And the place where everythings starts...and where everything goes to afterwards... and yes, the freeze needs organising and cleaning, and I am going to just do that on January 3, when my 5 days off begin!

And the dinning area, with Angelos happily doing the bills....

And the fireplace...which makes me go out every couple of days and cut fresh branches from the bitter orange trees to keep the garland alive...oh...bibie laying on the sofa too!

and me...with my beloved christmasy nighty...cute innit?

Right...shopping now!

I want to do nothing but taking pics and post them. Do you mind?

This is my kindom...with very unorganised closets and fridge...which I am going to tangle as soon as my vacation starts, on January 3. And because we will soon leave to go to the fresh produce market, I am going to take more pics and post them in the afternoon!!! So...a view of the kitchen...















And some staples...oranges and tangerines, potato/onion basket, and pumpkins.... and then dry pineapple and mangos, sundried tomatoes, pasta.... In this old piece of furniture you see, another gift from my granny, I keep all tableclothes, and kitchen aprons and towels in the drawers, and in the closet i keep the water, wine and olive oil bottles...




















And here are the spices closet...and the staples closet...

Now...for some weird reason, although blogger tells me he is done with uploading my pics, it does not post more here...so I'll do a new post with the rest, after I am back from shopping!

or now?

I'll try now and if it takes ages...then later...

Can you tell how excited I am with the new toys...lol

to see the mess I live in most of my day......

And the nice things I'm facing from my desk...

Then I went to surprise my mom with a visit. But my mom surprised me cos she had my niece...

AND my nephew, who had just finished a chocolate chip cookie...

And then, I went home, sooooo eager to take Bibie of her bag. And then took some pictures of Christmasy stuff at home, like favourite ornaments from the tree...

and some more, although you will soon realise that I have not read the manual. I hate manuals! I actually flirted a little with the puter guy at work, and he offered to set it up for me, and show me the camera. But I do something with the flash. I dunno how to turn it off.Cos the natural light of the roon is very soft, just the lights from the tree and a few candles. In the photos though it looks like I have fluorescent lights on, even the soft cream walls and fabrics look totally white. But anywa, more ornaments....

And my christmas cards, in my late granny's antique sewing machine....

and on this piece of furniture I keep our china and crystals in. Oh wedding gifts...lol

And the ...oops ... I dunno how this is called...when the living room and the kitchen are joined there is this passage between them...oh I am not making sense...look...we've decorated both sides differently, cos we're strange like that...hehehe

and this is the other side....and I seriously doubt that this post will ever load too...

but I'm gonna try now anyways...!

You know, I really am a kid at heart.

Which is good and bad, according to both my experience and my therapist. It is good because I find joy and happiness in the smallest things. It is good because it allows me to dance like mad with absolute no embarassement in the most busy street in Athens with my niece till people start dropping coins in front of our feet. It is bad because the smallest things make me pout. Poutting is no adult behaviour you know. It is bad because sometimes I expect too much. Expecting is no adult behaviour either. You are a grown up, you want something, you do whatever it needs to get it.

I am in this constant dillema about how to feel lately. I should feel calm and accomplished after the hard work I put into these Christmas events we organised. I should feel happy and secure cos of my monthly paycheck. Instead, I pout. And while I pout I try to tell myself that I should not pout, so I try to smile. But the truth is I pout some more.

I did no baking this christmas. I spent no time with my niece and nephew. I had no sex by the tree. These are the things that make Christmas Christmas for me you know.

On the other hand, I am full of ideas. I am full of desires. I am full of plans. Things are happening inside me that make me want to move, make me want to take action, make me want to change.

I realised last night, while eating truffles of course, that indeed, the pleasure of taste is unbeatable. However, there is one thing that can really beat that feeling. I don't know how to properly describe it. You all have your little indulgence that makes your mouth water like no other. Be it pizza, be it chocolate, be it chips, it does not really matter. Let's say it is lasagna. I can eat a huge serving of lasagna and moan from the first bite to the last. And feel this sensual pleasure the taste and the texture of the food gives me. Unbeatable feeling really. But then, there is this little additional feeling that follows that makes all the difference. If the lasagna are made by my mom for instance, there is cream, there is butter, there is olive oil in the sauce, there is lots and lots of parmezan. So the little additional feeling that comes along is guilt. Which manages to instantly erase all the pleasure felt minutes ago. However, if the lasagna are made by me while I am eating right, there is 0% fat milk, there are perhaps 6 tsp of olive oil for the whole tin, there are about 8 Tsp of parmezan at the most, no butter, and many many grated veggies to give an extra taste. After a bigger piece of these lasagna compared to the piece I'd eaten of my mom's lasagna, there is the little additional feeling of pride. I really feel proud when I eat healthy, according to my weight loss plan whatever it might be at the time, and have used all my resources in order to make a meal that is tasty, nutritious, and can be eaten in satisfactory quantities too.

I only want to feel like that you know. When I am in this mode, I can enjoy my treats with pride too. I can eat my chocolate, perfectly within my points/cals/plan, and feel rewarded, not guilty.

Too much change recently has not come unnoticed. It has taken its time to sink, but it's really present now.

I do not want to be fat anymore. I am not a fat woman inside like I used to be. I am all but that. And there are so many things I cannot control in my life. Like an extreme work overload that makes me feel like I missed Christmas. And all the tireness and tension that goes along. But let me tell you this. When I got home after a long day and ate a big bowl of brocolli baked with lemon juice, onions, and a little feta, followed by a small piece of roasted chicken, I went to bed feeling proud and happy. When I got home after a long day and ate a big bowl of pasta with bacon on red wine sauce, followed by a generous serving of chocolate fudge icecream, I went to bed feeling stuffed and tired. On the first case, I would wake up the next day still tired but in a very good mood. On the second case, I would wake up the next day still tired, and really very gloomy.

So the deal is as follows.

I weighed in this morning. No way I will enter 2006 in the desired 85 kilos. I have gained a kilo since the last weigh in. 87.2 is today's number.

However, I weigh less than last year. Not much. 7 kilos less if I remember well. But its less. And even if it was the absolute same weight, I still would have been pleased with that. With my history of regaining all plus some more, I really can tell now that I will never be in my starting weight again. Never.

But I decided that I have sacrificed many things in our life so far to let another year slip by. I am not getting younger you know. I will be 37 on January 31. And I can tell you now that it is enough with the casual life style. Since my husband and I decided to postpone the baby making for another year, due to this new job and money really, I think this is the year I should take advantage of and finally tie all the loose ends.

January 2nd will mark the beginning. There are so manypossible plans of action in my head right now, and I need a bit of time to decide.

The main areas I will need to work on however are very specific:

1. Loose the weight
2. Increase fitness
3. Clear all dept and save
4. Spent more quality time with my husband
5. Get back to the "rabbit" mode with him. It is really so not like me to not have sex at all in 3 weeks, like its the case recently. It doesnt matter how tired I am. I should ...give in...lol. Its funny to come up with excuses just to catch an hour more of sleep.

There are so many things at the office right now that need my attention. But I am sincerely overworked and totally unable to function. I need some rest. I have a few days off, actually I work till New Year's Eve, I am back to work on January 2nd, and then I have the 3rd, 4th, and 5th off. January the 6th is a national holiday, so I will have almost an entire week to rest. I had actually taken these leave to go to Amsterdam and although I cancelled the trip I forgot to cancel the leave. And till this morning, I was thinking of cancelling it to make sure I can leave for the Amsterdam trip early February.

But I am not sure anymore. I feel that perhaps we should not go this year. And save the money instead. We will see.

Anyway, I got to go now. But I will be back tomorrow. I still have not bought the computer for the house. I had some time in my hands yesterday, but the thought of having to think and decide (laptop or deskop? vario or satellite?lol) was too much. But I want my puter. And my digital cam as well. I want to start my healthy cooking blog with pics and recipes and all. I want to post progress pics come the beginning of the year. Measurements, weight, bmi, all the stats.
I want to get focused on me. On my mission. On my desire. On my embetterment.

Will you come along?

On Christmas eve, we got home at 7 in the evening. Surely our last event finished at 2 in the afternoon. But you know, there was some paperwork to be done. And 550 chairs to be put away. And two last pressies to be bought. And food to be bought too. And my mother in law, who was supposed to have us for lunch the day after Christmas fell and hit her back and although she is fine she did not want to tire herself, so I told Angelos to invite them over for lunch yesterday. So at around 6 in the evening, I was trying to think of what to cook and buy it too!

But as I said, by 7 we were home, and the plan got into implementation. I disappeared in the bathroom, and took a looooooong bath (thanks so much for that pillow Trish!!!!!!), and then took an eon to moisturise and dry and moisturise some more, put on my gorgeous new red night gown, my new red panties (matching thank you very much), and walked into the living room. My Angel of an angel had done it all. He had built a gorgeous fire, he had each and every canddle burning, and he had set the coffee table with goodies:

a cheese platter: roquefort, bri, smoked metsovone (yep, greek cheese), some very soft cheese with black peppercorns, and parmezan reggiano

(of which I touched nothing but a bit of bri cos thank god I am no big cheese lover. actually I am a feta lover, period!)

A naughty spicy platter: salami negroni, chorizo, pastrami, prochiuto di parma

(of which I doubt my husband ate but a couple of slices, whereas I finished them all)

A fishy platter: smoked salmon, salmon's eggs, black caviar, philladelphia cheese, president butter

(of which we were both equally well fed)

and a basket with melba tost, and other kinds of crisps, and coctail rolls

(of which I only had a few melba tosts for the salmon eggs and caviar with triple the amount of regular butter or philli spread)

Also a bottle of champagne, two glasses, and 4 New Tree belgian chocolates: one with lemon zest (called digest), one with bluckcurrent (called eternity), one with ginger and guarana (called sexy) and one with espresso coffee (called boost)

My darling had thought of the chocolates in that order...smart boy he is!

However, at around 10.30 I was probably carried to bed by him. Anyway, I do not know how I got to bed. He told me the next day that as we were chatting, he turned his back to me for one second to throw another piece of wood in the fire, and when he turned to ask me again the same thing, he saw me sleeping. Actually he said "I saw you sleeping and then the very next second I heard you too"...hehehe, have you ever heard anything more polite to describe snoaring?

I woke up on Christmas day at 9 in the morning, and it felt like I had fallen asleep just an hour ago. I wrapped the kid's presents, and left all the others with the wrapping done by the shops' salespeople. This was a first you know. I always wrap all the pressies myself. And I always spend almost as much time thinking and deciding each wrapping as the time I spent looking for the gift.

We drove to my inlaws for a quick coffee and pressies exchange, and then at noon we went to my parents' house.

It was happily crazy as usual. The kiddies were anxious about the presents, there was no space under the tree for us to put our presents, 20 people from 75 years old to 6 months old were laughing and talking and making noise, and I was thinking that this was perhaps my bestest christmas lunch ever at my parents' house, cos my mom, exactly a year after her operation, was better and healthier than ever!

I ate just a little. All these negronis and proshiutos and salmon's eggs were still dancing in my belly. And I had no dessert either, cos someone had the idea to make baklava, which I dislike, and pudding, which I dislike too.

We were back home at 5, and Angelos built a fire, and we sat to watch a movie. Well, around 5.30 in the afternoon Angelos asked me if I feel like taking a nap. So we went to bed at 5.30 in the afternoon, and guess what time did I wake up. Come on, I challenge you, how long do you think I slept? And I mean totally slept, no wake-up-to-pee, no wake-up-to-drink sleep, I am talking continous uninterrupted sleep! Ha! I woke up at 9 am the next day! I slept for 15.5 hours straight!

So yesterday, after my mega rest, I cooked a happy lunch for my inlaws, and I ate just a little. When they left, I took a 3 hour long nap, and then, two friends of ours came for the left overs.

To make up for the sleep and the small meals I have had since Christmas eve, I begun eating at 8 in the evening and stopped at 1 am. I am talking about a mega binge ladies and gents. Mega mega binge. Which was consisted of:

a piece of roasted pork leg with lots of roasted potatoes
a bit of wild boar cooked in red wine
a small plate of roasted brocolli with feta and onions in lemon sauce
a plate of pasta with cream, butter and the remaining salmon and their eggs
1 piece of typical greek walnut cake smothered in cinammon syrup
2 pieces of galaktoboureko...which is custard wrapped in buttery layers of fyllo and smothered in syrup

And right now I am at work, with tons of bits and pieces to do and absolutely no desire. I'm having a very upset tummy and really, great feelings of disgust but no feelings of guilt. I only feel very uncertain about weighing in 85 kilos for the new year.

Santa brought me many things but no new computer. I think I am going shopping for one this afternoon. Although we went crazy and destroyed our budget this christmas, I cannot not have a puter at home.

Usually for Christmas we buy each other a little something as a surprise, and then we buy together things we need. For ourselves or the house. Sometimes they are absolute necessities, like new tyres for the car, sometimes it is a fancy piece of absolutely unnecessary clothing.

But this year, with me at work all the time, Angelos did his "revolution", and on Christmas eve, where we were supposed to go buy our gifts (my computer and his whatever) he said...I have bought your gifts, now you have an hour to go buy mine...hehehe.

I got him Play Station 2, with Call of Duty, Fifa 2006, Moto GP, and Grand Turismo 4, and a Ferrari wheel and petals thingy.
I also got him Jamie Oliver's "Naked Chef", which he really loved!

He got me a very nice handbag, a gorgeous pen, the 2006 pocket Moleskin diary, and a magnificent key ring.

Oh I am rambling. I am still tired. Mainly I am in a yucky mood with all the food I consumed yesterday. There are more things to write. The important things. Christmas...the feelings. New Year's resolutions. You and me. But these will have to wait, till there is a puter at home. There will be one by the end of the week for sure!

Now, I got to concentrate and get back to work.

I hope you all had a marvelous time!

I've got no computer at home, and no time to breathe.

Work is absolutely crazy. I have slept no more than 20 hours since Saturday the 17th. Tonight is also a long night, since we're setting from midnight till dawn another show. The last. I will work tomorrow too, till 2 in the afternoon though.

I still have not fisnished my christmas shopping, which have costed me triple than normal, because it goes like this:

When I have a 15 mins break, I leave the metro, go out, enter the first shop I see, go in, buy something regardless of price, just to cross it off my list.

I suspect that Santa is getting me a new computer. If this is the case, I will have a bit of a surprise for you on Christmas day.

I have missed you all very much. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and I will talk to you after this madness.

Love,

moi :)

You know, I really do not complain. About work I mean. An almost stranger opened my eyes last night and it made so much of a difference.

I met this girl when I got to the new job. She was new too. And last night we met at the exit at around 11.00 and she asked me where I live and if I wanted a ride. Apparently she lives a couple of blocks away from our old appartment, and she wanted some company and to me it was a gift to not have to look for a taxi.

We were sort of whinning to each other about the long hours and the problems and crisis of the last couple of weeks, and at some point she started speaking so highly of me and my work I really got somehow embarassed. And I told her that she is exaggerating and you know what she asked me? If I think there is something I could have done in a better way. And I stopped for a couple of minutes to think and i could not find a thing. I suddenly felt this satisfaction of giving your 100% to something you really believe in.

Then I got home, and Angelos took my hand and walked me to the tree and showed me a big envelope under it. "This has come for you" he said.

I picked it up and !!!!!!!

The amazing Trish had asked in her blog who would want a Christmas card. Now, I am a sucker for Christmas cards you know. I keep them all. Even the ugly ones my insurance agent sends me each year. Even the unpersonal ones with a typed message we get from the FIAT service guys. So I asked for a card.

In this biiiiig envelope was so much more!

In this envelope there was sweetness and consideration. In the shape of a gel eye mask, a bath pilow, a mesh sponge, a terry headbband, and a killer "do not disturb" sign. Along with a corgeous Christmas card!

I've been smiling since last night cos of this.

I finally got my period today. Since Monday I've been living with the "drop torment" A pink drop here and there during the day, mild cramps, lots of sensitivity, moodiness, etc. My poor body is so stressed and tired that cannot release its normal function.

I have such a hectic schedule ahead. I am going to leave to go to the office soon. I will work for 4-5 hours. Then perhaps if I finish while the shops are still open we may go for a bit of christmas shopping.I cancelled the tickets to Amsterdam last night. I am too tired to go. And Amsterdam is always a wonderful trip, but when we are bck we are always too tired. We walk and shop all day, and go to clubs and dance all night. We get no more than 4-5 hrs of sleep daily there.

We rescheduled for beginning of February (hint hint Shauny and Catesa)

Then I'm meeting my boss tonight to fill her in. She has been abroad on some councils the last 3 days. She'll be back this evening. And then Sunday and on will go like this:

Wake up, go to work, meet Angelos at 2 for a bit of Chritmas shopping, then come home, sleep a little, wake up, bathe, get dressed, eat, leave home at midnight, and start the rounds in the metro stations where our events will take place to set up the tech equipment (sound and lights) till 6 am, where we are suppossd to have finsihed everything. See, we cannot do these things while the public usues the metro. Then it will be back home around 7 am, shower and get dressy dressed, cos at noon there is our big press conference. Howver since the first event starts at 10, I will have to be at the metro around 9. Then we will have our last event at 8 pm and then it will be back home to sleep and rest till tuesday morning at 7 am, where I will have to wake up and be in the metro by 9 again. This will go on till Christmas eve!

So I got on the scales this morning. 86.2 kg. A loss of 500 gr since Monday's weigh in. I have not been counting points, nor have excersised. I just forget to eat. With the way I will spend the next 8 days I have two options really. To be 85 kilos by New Years or not. Simple huh? hehehe

What I mean is that I am afraid that after the events finish, and my work life sort of gets back to normal, I might relax inside and let it slip. My eating that is. And then I have a bad eating week between Christmas and New Year's and do not manage to loose this 1.2 kilos I so want to loose!

Seriously I'm silly now...lol

And I should get up and get dressed cos the sooner I go to the office the sooner I will leave from there!

Now, before I go, do you have any idea how much I miss you all???

I don't know about you. But I fall in love with him every time I see him. Yeah...good ole Richard Gere, the amazing butt movement in Breathless caught my breath when I was around 16 and I am a devoted fan ever since.

So last night, when I got home from work at 11.30 - yes, I left the office at a quarter to eleven! - "Autumn in New York" was half way through.

There was nothing more I could want to unwind afer a horribly tensed and tiring day. Richard and a warm plate of potato wedges Angelos has made for me.

At some point, she asks him to tell her something about food, since hes in the food business. And he said:


Could you agree more? Don't you love yourself a piece of Richard's wisdom? Or any piece of Richard's actually? hehe

Too much work girlfriends...too much work...

Which is not a recap really. Simply cos there is no time. But I got in the scales and the number stayed the same (which means I went a bit over points during the weekend, but just a bit really:)

Weight: 86.7 (loss of 1.4 kg)
Steps: something around 32.000 - not really counting as exercise for the week
Points consumed: 160 (6 points over)
Sugar points: 4

Have a super week darlings, I dunno when I will be back!

It has been an extra busy week. Thus the disappearance.

During this week, which was full of 12 - 14 hr working days (without the commute), preparations for 70 events to take place in 6 days (the week after next), lotsa crisis at the office, bit of crisis at home (to go to Amsterdam or not), no exercise besides the approximately 5,000 steps I do on high heels daily at work (does that count? ;), I have concluded the following:

1. Every woman should train herself in wearing high heels. It does not have to be 12 cm heels really. But 7-8 cm heels give you the following bennefits:

a. You become 7-8 cm taller ladies! This means that you look slimmer!!!! For fun really, do the silly thing I did and see for yourselves. Calculate your BMI with the added height. Or look at some table how many kilos you should weigh for your "height". I tell you, the people who saw you last week will start asking you if you lost weight! But this is not the only thing.
b.When you finally master the art of walking on high heels, you will see that your stride will be different. The way you walk will be different. You will feel more feminine. Sexier. Even during the aforementioned 12 hours!

2. When you leave your office after a very difficult day, when everyone and everything has been against you, and you feel beated and tired and ready to burst into tears, and also think to yourself, shite, this is not how I should be treated or have to treat ppl, you suddenly realise the balance of your bank account at the end of each month and realise that these are the things that go along with that number, and you breathe deep, and then suddenly smile. This has never happened to me before and I consider it a sign of me "growing" up. Work manages to stay outside our home entrance now, is not the centre of my world, instead, is the means to pay for all the other things of my world!

3. When I have problems and crisis in my life, I tend to overeat. I drow my sorrow in chocolate and spicy goodness. It really is a releif at the moment. I do not really know what has happened inside me lately. Nor how long will it last. However, during this awful week I have been faced with so many temptations. December is the month with more namedays than any other. And this is an organisation with about 200 employees. Boxes of chocolates, truffles, eclairs and you name it, come to my office on a daily basis. I have touched none. Instead I have spend my points wisely and I saw such a beautiful number on the scales this morning, I am going to write it down here, not as an update for the week, but as a tool to keep me for indulging during the weekend. You are entitled to bitch and yell at me on Monday if I come and report a bigger number! The number this morning was 86.7!!!!! 1.4 kilo loss and there 3 more days for "official" weigh in!!!

4. I miss my blogging routine. I realised this week that this is not just a passing time. When I read my favourite blogs and journals and do not have time to think and comment, I have them in my mind all day long, the same way I have in my mind my friend Elisabeth who broke up with her boyfriend. I am not saying this to excuse myself. I am saying this so you know.

5. Sometimes it is important to distinguish between what is good for me and what is best for me. A marathon is scheduled this weekend in therapy. A marathon is always good for me. On Thursday, during my session, I decided not to go and cancelled my participation. I have a horrible two weeks ahead of me. There will be 70 events in 4 metro stations from the 19 till the early afternoon of the 24th. I am organising them, and I and my team are serving them. And any techical work can be done during non working hours of the metro - 12.30 - 4.30 am!!! And then the events start at 10 am. Can you imagine the next two weeks? So this is the only weekend I will be able to relax, shop, see my husband and a few friends. This is best for me.

6. Last year, with my mother's situation, I really felt I missed Christmas. So I had promised myself that next Christmas will be really very christmasy! I will bake all my cookies again, I will make part of the gifts, I will shop ahead of time for the rest of the gifts, I will be on time with my christmas cards. Then when we moved in this house last summer, I made dreams about a huge christmas decoration, inside and out. And since this was the first house of Angelos and I that has a fireplace, I was dreaming of decorating the mantel, the huge kitchen, I was planning for a balcony packed in christmas lights. Well, so far its just the tree. Two series of lights (200 of them) got burnt during the week. I still have not replaced them. I have not bought one single present. I got the wicked idea last night that if we go to Amsterdam after all, I can tell everyone that I will delay them their Christmas gifts and will bring everyone something from the trip. Fair deal don't you think? I mean we will only be a couple of weeks late! Tonight our two friends who are coming with us to Amsterdam are coming for dinner to decide if we finally are going. I am so tempted to vote yes just to avoid the christmas gift shopping. Its not that I could not go today and shop. But I am in no mood, so I have no idea what to get for who. And we have a good 30 something gifts to buy. Oh my...

Tonight I am cooking mexican for our friends. I have all my points sorted out. I feel so much calmer inside when I am in such control. And I can eat things that are so no "diet" too.

An example:

On Thursday Sofia's mother returned from their village. She has gone there to pick up their new olive oil. The village is near Kalamata, which you might have heard of from the gorgeous olives that grow there. Their oil is of amazing quality. Organically grown trees, give an etra virgin oil you can simply drink straight from the bottle! She brought me some. So this was Friday's food:

Breakfast: A glass of fresh squeezed tangerines = 1 point
Snack: 7 almonds = 1.5 points
Lunch: 15 almonds, 2 dry figs = 4 points
Snack: 2 tangerines = 1 point
Dinner: 3 slices of mom's homemade whowheat sour dough bread = 3 points
45 gr of grilled feta on aluminum foil with crashed garlic, tomato and green pepper slices= 4.5 points
6 tsp of the devine olive oil = 6 points
half of Fage Total 0% yoghurt = 0.5 point
1 Tsp of my grape spoon sweet = 0.5 point

I evenly devided the olive oil and feta mixture on the toasted 3 slices of bread, and ate them with more slices of raw tomatoes, and then had half a cup of yoghurt mixed with the grape spoon sweet and I was really in heaven! And not one point more than I should.

I so dream to be 85 kilos on New Years Eve! This will mean I will only have 16 kilos to goal!!!!

Right...see what happens when someone has an eon to update? She rambles and rambles!!!!

Have a great weekend darlings. I will do my best towards this direction!!!!

Oright...Numbers first, shall we?

Weight: 88.1 (loss of 1.1 kg)
Steps: 53.670 (average of 10.000 on weekdays, meansly 3.670 on the weekend)
Points consumed: 158 (4 points over)
Sugar points: (14 - unfortunatelly all were consumed during the weekend)

I know there would have been a bigger loss if this weekend was not such a festive one. I ate more than I should yesterday and it certainly affected this morning's weigh in. How I know? Well, the scales were showing a 2 kg loss yesterday morning! But I really do not mind. Yesterday was such a perfect day, the food was part of the perfection and I am not at all sorry I was part of the mad gang!

We woke up to an amazing sunshine. I am not sure what is wrong with the weather, but it was around 22 C yesterday. It is close to this today too! So we got up, put on our dressing gowns, our sunglasses, and had a wonderful breakfast of pineapple, apples, pears, and freshly squeezed tangerines in the balcony, soaking on the sun. We took our shower and then got dressed, and met V and S in the main square of our neighbourhood and had iced espresso in the sun.

Then we went to my parents for half an hour to say hi, took a couple of containers with food (steamed wild greens, skewers with grilled sword fish, onions, tomatos, and peppers) then we passed from Angelos' parents (took another couple of containers with pumpkin fylo pie, and meatballs on lemon sauce and rice) and then we went and got our tree! And some more ornaments to add this year.

We got all the boxes with Christmas stuff from the basement, and by 5 in the afternoon the first Bill Crosby CD was on and the tree was also assembled. It took Angelos 3 hours to put the lights on. He does such a detailed job with the lights! Our tree is 2.20 meters high and it has 1200 lights on it! Anyway, our friends begun showing up around 8, and we all decorated the tree, drung too much eggnog, ate chinese I cooked, and chocolate covered almonds and chestnuts I also made.

Our livingroom this morning resembled a battlefield. Boxes, ribbons, garlands, angels, christmasy stuff is everywhere, plates, glasses, pots, and pans are scattered around the kitchen, but I really do not give a rats arse!

The feelings I shared with my husband and friends last night, the impromptu chinese cooked from scratch, the woodfire grilled chestnuts given to me by a very happy husband to dip in melted bitter Valhrona chocolate, and the beautiful christmas tree, with ornaments dated back to the first Christmas we ever spent together, are too precious for me to mind this morning when I was trying to go to the kitchen without hitting myself in all those boxes, or when I was trying to find a clean glass to put my coffee in.

My friend Sofia took a couple of pictures yesterday of the tree and us. If she emails them to me, I will post them here.

Now, lets get serious for this second week!

*update*

the photos were awful! and this one is so unfair to the lights, cos only in the bottom of the tree the real light is depicted. Could it be it was taken without flash? Oh I dunno...But most of the lights are put in the inside of the tree, close to the "tunk" so the light comes out but the little bulbs don't show, and this is not captured by the camera. Oh well, you know what that means eh? That I will have to do a series of photos of all decorations by the end of the week, when everything will be up! For now, just a bad picture of the good tree :) And how on earth can I post the pic on the bottom of the post still beats me!!!!

Regardless the issue, in each and every therapy session, when I am in front of a situation that is not pleasing me, that is causing me pain, that is causing me uncertainty, and yet I go on doing it, living it, I always have to answer the same 2 questions:

What do I avoid by sticking to the pattern of behaviour/relationship/etc
What do I gain by sticking to it

For four years, I never had the answers. I mean I have had countless answers. But not THE answers. You really know when you finally have them. You feel your shoulders suddenly so very light you know. Your headache disappears. Your body gets this buz in each and every pore.

I won't go into details.

But in the parts of my life I have been overweight, obese, or morbidly obese (and yes, I have been all three plus skinny minnie too, but never "normal, never balanced), I always needed to lose weight, I always had to lose weight.

For the first time in my life, I realised last night, that I want to lose weight. I want to. Really very much want to. The feeling was absolutely similar to the feeling I had when I realised a couple of years ago that I want to have children. My own, if I am blessed with them. A unique fuzzy feeling that warms your chest and brings colourful butterflies in your tummy, and makes your eyes water, and you laugh and cry all at once, because you are not afraid anymore.

Because for the first time in my life I admitted to myself I want to lose weight, for one reason and one reason only.

Because I deserve it. Because I have no reason to be ashamed of it. And mainly, because this is who I am. And there is no reason to hide. It is not disrespect to your roots to evolve more than they did. It is actually the very opposite. It is a tribune to each and every sacrifice they did. And you know something? Being rough, rigid, distant and cruel is a form of sacrifice too. Only that while someone is doing all of the above, they do not realise the warmth of feelings and contact they sacrifice in order to maintain what makes them cover their insecurity.

So many things one needs to do. So many people need to do things. But how many things one really wants?

Take me for instance. I need to quit smoking. But I don't want to. Not yet I mean ;) However, as of yesterday, I really really want to lose weight. And I tell you this: I am going to lose it. You will see!

Have a gorgeous weekend. We are decorating for Christmas on Sunday :)

In loosing weight I have mainly used 3 tools:

Therapy
Eating
Exercising

Each of them has been used in a different way.

Therapy:

Therapy has been my major tool. Being a woman who has lost substantial amounts of weight a bit more than a couple of times, I realised that loosing is not the real pain. Maintaining is. And there should be a reason why I did not maintain before. As well as there is a reason why I eat so much to begin with. There should be no reason to lose it again if I was to regain it sooner than later. Of course, we really never had sessions "dedicated" to my fatness. However, in each and every session the fatness made herself present. As things became clearer, patterns of behaviour became more obvious, self destructive practices begun to eliminate themselves, some knowledge was aquired, some character traits smoothened, a lot of anger and sadness and pain were released, and acknowledged, and things in the dieting front became simpler, in a weird way, they became almost natural.

Eating:

Then eating entered the scheme. I begun to eat better, and most importantly, I begun to eat less. I was not really a big junk food lover. I really gained most of my weight (s) eating mostly the good stuff. Grilled chicken. But almost the whole bird. Olive oil, perhaps a cup a day. Brown rice, certainly the equivalent of 10 points worth of rice per meal. Huge quantities of vegetables, but with the aforementioned cup of olive oil on them. Whole wheat pasta. The whole pack in a sitting. You get the point.

Cooking scrumptious dishes with less density, in fats, carbs, etc, became an art for me. I became really obsessed with achieving a 4 points per serving perfect lasagna. I made it my week's purpose to make spoon sweets with 150 gr of sugar per kilo of fruit, instead of a kilo of sugar per kilo of fruit. I used vegetables like never before. I was spending hours a day cutting and cleaning veggies for salads, stir fries. I dedicated an extra cupboard to spices and herbs.

And I did well.

Exercising:

Then the need to move (a result of therapy and eating right - see weighing less) rose. I suddenly wanted to walk instead of taking the taxi. Then I joined a gym. Then I bought a treadmill. Then my summer holidays stopped being all about the books I'd read while laying on the beach for hours and hours till I aquired the perfect tan. My summer holidays became more and more about snorkeling, long walks, hiking, swimming, racket ball, beach volley. Then I begun walking to work.

But you know, I have been thinking a lot lately. Along with all the changes inside me, it is quite expecting for the realisations to come too.

During all these months I have been toying with the same 3-4 kilos, gaining them, loosing them, gaining them, loosing them, I have done nothing but using my tools as my excuses.

Therapy:

After a very demanding and draining session, I have gone home to an already prepared dinner, to which I add things that increase its caloric/point-y value, with the excuse of me being really very stressed/sad/upset. Or have eaten the good dinner, and then have ordered icecream.

Eating:

I have used my ability to cook really well although extremely low fat to trick me back into bigger portions. With the "oh this is just bulgur and veggies oh so good stuff" in mind, I have eaten portions 3 times bigger than I should.

Exercising:

Because I walked 10 k today, I have gained activity points/burnt more calories, so I deserve an extra piece of lasagna.

All these examples have happened during the last year on a daily basis. One way or another, I have managed to trick myself in using my tools as my excuses. Now that I can see back with a more clear and most importantly a more objective eye, I can reassure you that if I was to rank the three, eating would be the first.

In the previous attempts I had in loosing weight, I never exercised. I did a very sedentary life. But I managed to lose around 30 kilos twice just by eating well. There is no point in exercising if one needs to eat more to compensate, right?

Second would be therapy. But beware. Although therapy gave me the insight into many personal issues that had a direct relationship to my overeating, issues I never thought had anything to do with the extra weight, it also worked a bit like homeopathy does in the beginning of each cycle. Same way homeopathy tends to increase the symptoms at first.

And exercing makes me hungrier.

I do not know if all this post is clear to you. What I want to state is that I have been using my tools as excuses many times really. And while doing it, honestly it really never occured to me that I was doing it. So the reason for talking about it here is that perhaps, I am not the only one who did it, and if you did it too, perhaps it is also time to acknowledge it.