Thank you for the baby making wishes.
However, to have a baby, you have to have a father for them. I am not sure I still have one.
My husband left home on Friday. On Thursday he came to pick me up from work, we went together to the hair salon and both had a haircut, then we went to Vangelis and Sofia's, then home, where we made plans to go book-shopping after work on Friday, and slept in each other's arms.
Then on Friday I left for work, while he was still asleep. I called him around noon, and he told me that he has been very pushed lately, he feels he does not recognise himself anymore, and he needed the weekend away to catch his breath and see what he wants.
I have mentioned before that there has been a bit of a marital crisis lately.
I never mentioned that the reason have been my suspicion of him having an affair.
I do not want to sugar coat my situation. But I am old enough, unfortunately I have been there, and I say this with all the shame I feel for having cheated on my husband, and mature enough to admit my share of the responsibility. There is never room for a third person unless there is a gap between the two. And I created this gap. No matter how it hurts my ego to admit it, I am partly responsible for this. I am not happy nor proud of him who chose the easy way out of the problems, but Angelos is a very handsome man, who teaches 20 something year old girls how to drive. They see him as a god, and are showing him this all the time. When you spent your day surrounded by this, and you come home to physically and mentally exhausted wife, who tells you that you work too much and have no time for her, although she has been doing the very same for too long herself, then you have a right to take the easy way out. You have a right to take the risk. However, you should be also mature enough to admit it when confronted with that.
Angelos failed here.
So he chose the good ole "offense is the best deffense" strategy.
I have spent the last 2 days in a cloud. Since Friday morning, I have cried tears the amount of which I was completely unaware my body was able of producing. I have felt amazingly strong anger. I have felt completely panicked and I have felt my breath stop at the thought of loosing him. I have ached deeply. I have played our life backwards, and in very slow motion too. I have said to my friends that all I want is for him to come home. That I am ready to forgive and forget. That no matter how hard it will be, I will carry my pain inside and make him feel welcomed and that I have realised my mistakes and am willing to work towards fixing them.
However, I woke up differently today.
My sadness is bigger. My pain is greater. I woke up this morning with the feeling that perhaps, I should take the risk, and let go of my marriage. Let go of him.
I woke up with a full consious of how I feel. Amputated. Without him I feel there is a part of me missing. He told me he will come home either tonight or tomorrow morning. To discuss things. To tell him what he had thought of. To tell me what he has decided.
I will listen to him. My tears have drained so I know I will be calm and wont raise my voice. I do not have energy left even for this. Then I will ask him the third and last time. I will even accept half the truth from his part. But I need him to aknowledge his part of the responsibility as well. I need him to aknoweledge that he decided to fill the gap with someone else instead of walking the extra mile to solve things out.
If he goes on attacking me about my lack of trust, if he keeps telling me he has no clue who the number he has called more than 30 times from his mobile the last month belongs to, phonecalls that last from 3 to 23 minutes, then I will leave him. Then I will deserve the pain I will have for a long better due to his absense a lot more than to stay with a man whom I love, but don't trust anymore. Then he will show me that he came back for a thousand reasons, but not the right one. To work things out. Because in order to solve your problems, you need to acknowledge them first.
I am certain of her existance. I just dont know if its an affair, a flick, or just a flirt that never got to the bedroom. Does it really matter?
I also know he loves me. He told me yesterday on the phone that he knows I love him and that he loves me too, but he feels he needs space to clear things out in his head. I loved him too when I cheated on him. I know this sounds irrational, but it really can happen you know...
Still, you need a very strong base to stand on to work such a problem out, and to be able to use the realisations one made and the pain one felt as the tools to built up again. And for me, this base is nothing else but trust. Love is not enough I am afraid...
You know what is the worse thing that he did though? The thing that hurt me the most? That from Sunday to Thursday he kept on buying me pregnancy tests. He kept on pushing me to take yet another one. Then, the day after I got my period, he packed his bag and left.
And you know what is the worst thing I did to myself? From Friday till the wee hours of this morning, I was comparing myself to a woman 10 - 15 years yourger and 20 - 30 kilos less. I was crying thinking that if Angelos and I finally divorse, he is gorgeous and will get a ton of women fall in his free feet, whereas I am old, fat, and unattractive, and will end up spending my life single and childless.
It took me a lot of time to realise I am so much more than my flesh. And it also took me a bit more to realise that my flesh is part of whom I am. And I am proud of them both.