Friday, December 02, 2005
The answers
Regardless the issue, in each and every therapy session, when I am in front of a situation that is not pleasing me, that is causing me pain, that is causing me uncertainty, and yet I go on doing it, living it, I always have to answer the same 2 questions:

What do I avoid by sticking to the pattern of behaviour/relationship/etc
What do I gain by sticking to it

For four years, I never had the answers. I mean I have had countless answers. But not THE answers. You really know when you finally have them. You feel your shoulders suddenly so very light you know. Your headache disappears. Your body gets this buz in each and every pore.

I won't go into details.

But in the parts of my life I have been overweight, obese, or morbidly obese (and yes, I have been all three plus skinny minnie too, but never "normal, never balanced), I always needed to lose weight, I always had to lose weight.

For the first time in my life, I realised last night, that I want to lose weight. I want to. Really very much want to. The feeling was absolutely similar to the feeling I had when I realised a couple of years ago that I want to have children. My own, if I am blessed with them. A unique fuzzy feeling that warms your chest and brings colourful butterflies in your tummy, and makes your eyes water, and you laugh and cry all at once, because you are not afraid anymore.

Because for the first time in my life I admitted to myself I want to lose weight, for one reason and one reason only.

Because I deserve it. Because I have no reason to be ashamed of it. And mainly, because this is who I am. And there is no reason to hide. It is not disrespect to your roots to evolve more than they did. It is actually the very opposite. It is a tribune to each and every sacrifice they did. And you know something? Being rough, rigid, distant and cruel is a form of sacrifice too. Only that while someone is doing all of the above, they do not realise the warmth of feelings and contact they sacrifice in order to maintain what makes them cover their insecurity.

So many things one needs to do. So many people need to do things. But how many things one really wants?

Take me for instance. I need to quit smoking. But I don't want to. Not yet I mean ;) However, as of yesterday, I really really want to lose weight. And I tell you this: I am going to lose it. You will see!

Have a gorgeous weekend. We are decorating for Christmas on Sunday :)

Posted by Argy at 3:50 pm
Anonymous Trish said...

Yes, needing and wanting are two different things. You may think you want to lose weight but unless the WANT is there, it isn't going to happen. I have had on and off WANT moments during my journey which is why I am on year 3 to lose 90lbs, lol. As you know, I am currently in my WANT mode :)

6:10 pm

Blogger Catesa said...

im in a WANT mode too now, its always easier this way than feeling like its a chore and something we HAVE to do. Tis too easy for rebellion to set in when its a HAVE TO *kisses*

12:13 pm

Blogger Shannin said...

I'm in a WANT mode, too - hence the surgery.

I'm doing some decorating for Christmas on Sunday as well, plus some gift wrapping. There is about 5 - 6 inches of snow on the ground so it feels like Christmas outside, it's time to make it feel like it inside.

7:05 pm

Blogger M said...

What a great post. Well done Argy. It is great to want something again. For the right reasons :D

You mention that it is OK not to suffer the same as the people who go before you, that their patterns do not have to be your patterns. We have the same issues here with DH and his family, but not in relation to weight. It is in relation to success in general. He has a mental block that won't let him move past the perceived success level of his parents. Every time we get on a roll and start seeing the results of the success, bang, sabotage hits in.

We have talked about therapy to get past it and I think I will bring up that subject again.

You are a champion gorgeous xx

12:47 pm


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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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