Regardless the issue, in each and every therapy session, when I am in front of a situation that is not pleasing me, that is causing me pain, that is causing me uncertainty, and yet I go on doing it, living it, I always have to answer the same 2 questions:

What do I avoid by sticking to the pattern of behaviour/relationship/etc
What do I gain by sticking to it

For four years, I never had the answers. I mean I have had countless answers. But not THE answers. You really know when you finally have them. You feel your shoulders suddenly so very light you know. Your headache disappears. Your body gets this buz in each and every pore.

I won't go into details.

But in the parts of my life I have been overweight, obese, or morbidly obese (and yes, I have been all three plus skinny minnie too, but never "normal, never balanced), I always needed to lose weight, I always had to lose weight.

For the first time in my life, I realised last night, that I want to lose weight. I want to. Really very much want to. The feeling was absolutely similar to the feeling I had when I realised a couple of years ago that I want to have children. My own, if I am blessed with them. A unique fuzzy feeling that warms your chest and brings colourful butterflies in your tummy, and makes your eyes water, and you laugh and cry all at once, because you are not afraid anymore.

Because for the first time in my life I admitted to myself I want to lose weight, for one reason and one reason only.

Because I deserve it. Because I have no reason to be ashamed of it. And mainly, because this is who I am. And there is no reason to hide. It is not disrespect to your roots to evolve more than they did. It is actually the very opposite. It is a tribune to each and every sacrifice they did. And you know something? Being rough, rigid, distant and cruel is a form of sacrifice too. Only that while someone is doing all of the above, they do not realise the warmth of feelings and contact they sacrifice in order to maintain what makes them cover their insecurity.

So many things one needs to do. So many people need to do things. But how many things one really wants?

Take me for instance. I need to quit smoking. But I don't want to. Not yet I mean ;) However, as of yesterday, I really really want to lose weight. And I tell you this: I am going to lose it. You will see!

Have a gorgeous weekend. We are decorating for Christmas on Sunday :)