Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I am certain you know....
how it is to write a post for days in your head, having rehearsed the impressive beginning in all different tones and tastes, and suddenly the tiny little thing that will cross your eye will give you such a shift to your original perspective, that you will sit astonished looking at your empty screen and feeling: yes, the time is trully right for this post!

Blogger beta did this to me. For a couple of weeks now I have wanted to post. But I did not want the blog out in the open. Some of the comments made me feel uncomfortable. I may be wrong, because I am Greek and English is not my mother tongue, but phrases like "oh come back and post, i am dying to know what is happening" makes me feel like a stripper. And don't take me wrong. I am a stripper. Otherwise why I keep a blog instead of a personal journal... Why I type my thoughts and feelings in blogger instead of Word? But excuse me for I am a stripper with very specific requirements from my audience. And some just do not fit into my club. I want you to have reserved your table, for ever. But no casual entries through my door.

Yet, changing into beta version seemed like a terribly difficult to do. So I did not even looked at it.

As I was logging in now, it took me to a page that takes you to the switch through 3 very simple steps. I went through them, found them terribly easy, till I read at the end something that went something like this:

Your blog will remain unchanged however once you switch to beta you will no longer be able to go back to the old version.

My stomach is getting sick as I type this now. From fear. Of Change. Of anything Not Familiar. No matter if the change is something I crave for. No matter if I feel deep inside me that no matter the pain I will have to face, leaving him will be the wisest thing to do, because my husband has become a man I am not sure I admire anymore. The fear of the unknown paralyzes me.

I have seen something here today.

I was going to start this post telling you that perhaps, if you have lost or gained big amounts of kilos, say more than 30, in short periods of time, will understand what I mean. I sit in front of the mirror and I do not recognise myself. I remember reading weight loss blogs of women with whom I had a couple of kilos difference to keep on working and go 10-12 kilos lower, and me thinking "I do not have her desire. I feel so comfortable where I am now. I feel good with my body, I feel sexy" and then in a month I ganied 3 kilos and felt I will never reach the 80's again. And I weigh 78 kilos. Yes. Incredible is it not?!

But let me tell you something about loosing 15 kilos in two months because of a broken heart. It is not attractive. It is like a left over apple that has fallen from the basket behind the kitchen counter.And you find it after a couple of weeks, and it has shrunk in size, but its not attractive. The first thing you see is that the fruit has no juices. It is like all my body's juices have left my body in the form of tears.

I really got very sad now.

I will be back tomorrow. I really want to talk to you. I really want to hear what you have to say. Not you! The you you know ;o)

Posted by Argy at 10:44 pm
Anonymous Liz said...

I am a long time lurker on your site. I read you everyday. If you have not posted I read your archives. I just want to you to know that I admire are so aware, so articulate, so full of spirit. Your last post makes me want to get onto a plane for Athens and just hold and hug you. As I cannot do that, please accept my virtual "hugs" and positive thoughts. Positive thoughts just for you, not for reconcilliation or any specific outcome to any issue. Just for you - for your strong and happy spirt. Take care.

11:39 pm

Blogger kathrynoh said...

There is so much I want to say but I just feel that words are inadequate. Life will get better, just remember that.

2:16 am

Blogger kimba said...

English may not be your mother tongue but you have a more beautiful and meaningful way with words than anyone I know. Your wisdom and thoughts are just so bright and stunning to me. Love!

10:19 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dear Argy, I have spent the past few days reading your archives and just finished with your current entry. You have taken me on quite an emotional journey, my sweet. I am so "new" to you that I don't want to over-step my bounds. There is so much I would like to say...In time, I suppose. I have been stunned, literally, by some of the similarities between us and our lives. You would be shocked, I think! We have one other thing in common that you might not expect. I live in Athens too. I am an American, married to a Greek man. Today actually marks 3 years that I have been here. How has it taken me so long to find you?? Well, the important thing is that I did! I offer myself to you for whatever help I might be. My Greek is not quite as good as your English, but I am sure we could manage. No pressure...after all, I know quite a bit about you and you know nothing of me. My email address is if you would like to get in touch.(Ελευθερια ειναι το βαφτιστικο μου!)I will light a candle for you.
Take care of yourself...

3:31 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops...apparently Blogger isn't Greek language friendly! What I wrote was that Eleftheria is my baptismal name.

3:34 pm

Anonymous dg said...

hug huuuuuuuuuuuuug hug. i've always thought your english was beautiful and poetic. we all miss you so much argy babe. i don't know what else to say m'love... thinking of you! xxox xxox xxox

5:12 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was wondering how Elefteria got her Greek name as an American...
Hey gorgeous Argy, thinking of you always and I really hope things turn out for the best. xxlindaxx

11:43 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I am sending special thoughts and prayers your way. I hope for you a sense of peace. Take care.

8:11 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I try to find something wise to say to you but you, as always, say the wisest things of us all. That is why we love you and come back again and again to check if you have written more. The things that you write are painful yet I'm sure many of us can relate to things in our own lives. I fully understand what you say about those 15 kilos that came off through heartache and not from a purposeful effort that would give you pride. Don't worry though, you will return to feel like the beautiful woman you are.. truely you will.

9:55 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this

11:56 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this

12:01 pm

Blogger Denise said...

Darling Argy, I wish I could do something helpful and instead I just sit here and send you positive thoughts and prayers. Much, much love!!!

11:20 pm

Anonymous eleftheria said...

As some of the others said, I keep checking back for some sign from you. Sending "virtual hugs" to you every day Argy. A wise person once told me that there's no way out of a difficult situation without going through it. Let yourself feel your feelings as silly as that may sound.

p.s. To Linda, who asked about my name...When I converted to the Greek Orthodox religion I needed to choose a "saint's name." I read about many saints and decided on Eleftheria. It means FREEDOM and the story of Saint Eleftherios is about someone who held on to his beliefs and principles, no matter the cost. It applies in my life. Anyway, my legal name is still Tracy, but most people in Greece call me Eleftheria. It was just my way of reaching out to Argy. Hope that helps.

8:33 am


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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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