I am certain you know....
how it is to write a post for days in your head, having rehearsed the impressive beginning in all different tones and tastes, and suddenly the tiny little thing that will cross your eye will give you such a shift to your original perspective, that you will sit astonished looking at your empty screen and feeling: yes, the time is trully right for this post!
Blogger beta did this to me. For a couple of weeks now I have wanted to post. But I did not want the blog out in the open. Some of the comments made me feel uncomfortable. I may be wrong, because I am Greek and English is not my mother tongue, but phrases like "oh come back and post, i am dying to know what is happening" makes me feel like a stripper. And don't take me wrong. I am a stripper. Otherwise why I keep a blog instead of a personal journal... Why I type my thoughts and feelings in blogger instead of Word? But excuse me for I am a stripper with very specific requirements from my audience. And some just do not fit into my club. I want you to have reserved your table, for ever. But no casual entries through my door.
Yet, changing into beta version seemed like a terribly difficult to do. So I did not even looked at it.
As I was logging in now, it took me to a page that takes you to the switch through 3 very simple steps. I went through them, found them terribly easy, till I read at the end something that went something like this:
Your blog will remain unchanged however once you switch to beta you will no longer be able to go back to the old version.
My stomach is getting sick as I type this now. From fear. Of Change. Of anything Not Familiar. No matter if the change is something I crave for. No matter if I feel deep inside me that no matter the pain I will have to face, leaving him will be the wisest thing to do, because my husband has become a man I am not sure I admire anymore. The fear of the unknown paralyzes me.
I have seen something here today.
I was going to start this post telling you that perhaps, if you have lost or gained big amounts of kilos, say more than 30, in short periods of time, will understand what I mean. I sit in front of the mirror and I do not recognise myself. I remember reading weight loss blogs of women with whom I had a couple of kilos difference to keep on working and go 10-12 kilos lower, and me thinking "I do not have her desire. I feel so comfortable where I am now. I feel good with my body, I feel sexy" and then in a month I ganied 3 kilos and felt I will never reach the 80's again. And I weigh 78 kilos. Yes. Incredible is it not?!
But let me tell you something about loosing 15 kilos in two months because of a broken heart. It is not attractive. It is like a left over apple that has fallen from the basket behind the kitchen counter.And you find it after a couple of weeks, and it has shrunk in size, but its not attractive. The first thing you see is that the fruit has no juices. It is like all my body's juices have left my body in the form of tears.
I really got very sad now.
I will be back tomorrow. I really want to talk to you. I really want to hear what you have to say. Not you! The you you know ;o)