My mom had a succesful surgery! A long one too. They took her in at 7.15 a.m. and they brought her back to her room at 5.15 p.m. It was the longest, hardest, more painful ten hours of my life. I experienced so many feelings I am still trying to sort them out. Fear of loss was the strongest.

They removed her uterus, ovelries, tubes, celvix, cyst, and some glands. They cut a piece of her bowel and created a cyst out of it and they attached it to her urethra and she will NOT have a plastic bag attached to her thigh with her urine. She will be able to go to the toilette like nothing is wrong!!!!!!!!

Of course, she will have to spend at least two more weeks in the hospital. And it will be a slow recovery, till the new "plumping" system gets to fuction. But people...my mom survived the surgery and she is well !!!!!!!!!

She is in lots of pain. She has 5 tubes getting out of her body with all kinds of fluids and 6 needles supplying her body with other fluids. She is still in oxygen. But...did I say so already??? She is fine!!!!

The doctor said that she seems to be cancer free. He checked all her intestine, and all her other organs look perfectly well. Of course he will do the biopsies in everything he removed but told us not to worry, the worse is over!

I came home last night to sleep a little. I must have had 2 or 3 hrs of sleep in 3 days. And I am leaving soon to go to her. She had a horrible first night with tremendous pain in her belly. My poor mom, she was so strong. When she was moaning through her pain, she would do her cross (my mom is very spiritual and religious) and she would say...thank you god for being here and helping me, and she would sustain her pain.

I am so proud of her. So happy. Yesterday, as I was watching the sun rise from the window of her room, I realised that since September 1st, when she went to the hospital for the first examinations, it was the first dawn I was not up with the rush of panic in me.

I just wanted to tell you all. When the doctor came out of the surgery to inform us that things went great, I started calling friends to tell them the good news, and I really felt sorry I could not let you know as soon as I heard. I am so thankful for your support and friendship and prayers. You are right Denise. God hears!

Thank you all from the deepest of my heart.

I'll update when I get the chance to come home again!

We are going to the hospital today. The operation will be done tomorrow. My mother's name is Kiki. If you spare a prayer, please send it her way. Thank you!

I feel better than earlier today. I have had a very bad weekend. Friday morning we had the bad news. All Friday and all the weekend my mother was in full denial. She was discussing seeing other doctors, seaking other chemo procedures, and the likes. I was telling her to find the two best doctors who do this kind of surgery and decide which one to use, and she was telling me, sure, because you know he can suggest further treatment instead of surgery.

The bad thing is that my dad was in the same ship. Let's see more doctors and then decide. He would suggest too.

And my brother could not agree more.

I had to be the bastard of the family and bring the reality in the party. At some point, on Sunday morning, where my brother with his wife and the kids were there, me and my husband and my parents were all gathered in the kitchen, and they were all saying such wise suggestions, I had to stop them and say...

"Sure, we can go to many doctors and ask for further chemo, and radiation and alternative medicine and and and. Of course, this way we can have the miracle and cure mom's cyst cancer. But since the cancer cells have started to penetrate the last layer of her cyst, which means that they will sooner or later have access to the rest of her vital organs, we will have to come up with such plans for whatever we might have to face next"

They hated me you know. I did hate myself too. They were having this casual conversation and I so wanted to be part of it. and feel hope, and dream that she won't have to go thru the cystectomy. But I had to be the bastard.

I am just back to the office after visiting her doctor with her. He was very thorough in describing the procedure. He reassured her that he will go for the option of not having the plastic bag, he said he will try to recreate the cyst in a way that she will go to the toilette like a normal person. Providing that her body allows him to do so. He told her that this is done so that she will get rid of cancer, and that she should treat this surgery as a way to a better health and not as an amputation.

We left and she was indeed better. So I am better too :)

Tomorrow we will go see the number 1 specialist in these kinds of operations. I had to use some vip's I know to get to him. I have never done this in my life before. But I would beg for anyone's health, let alone my mother's.

So tomorrow she will decide which doctor. But today I think she finally got in terms with the surgery. She feels hope. I do too.

Half the weekend I ate nothing. Nothing on Friday. Nothing on Saturday. Then on Saturday evening, I had a pizza binge.

I will let you know more tomorrow. I am so grateful that I begun blogging. I have used this to express many feelings and have been blessed with some wonderful women who show sincere concern and support. I have no words to thank you all.

As you probably guessed from my absence, the news are not good. My mother has to go through surgery and have her cyst removed. Right now we are seeing various doctors, to see what is the less painful procedure for her after the surgery. We are trying to find out if there is plastic surgery that can be done afterwards, so that she will not have the plastic bag with her urine attached to her thigh.

However, no matter what, the surgery has to be done urgently this week.

I am petrified and panicked. I do not know when I will be back updating.

See, there are some people, who when they are waiting for something mighty important they are patient. They work a lot during the waiting period, and take their mind of things, till the results appear.

I am not this kind of person. It is 6.45 pm right now, and we just managed to speak with the doctor - who was operating all day - to learn that the biopsy will probably be out tomorrow morning.

I have been barely functioning basic tasks all day, playing solitaire like a maniac, digging into blogs, reading and re-reading the same posts over and over again, in an attempt to occupy my mind with "stuff".

Now I will pack my things and go home and I have absolutely no desire to cook, mixed with a desire to cook "naughty".

When it comes down to it, you see I am still an emotional eater. I try and fight it, but for the absolute wrong reason it feels that if I was to go home to a hearty 3 course meal, I would feel so much better.

The good thing is that it starts feeling ill before it ends. My stomach cannot take crap anymore.

Ah...yes, I know what I will do. I will call our favourite grill place and order a mixed grill for two. This way I will have something tasty, relatively good, and not overindulge.

Till tomorrow...

Since Monday the biopsy results are coming. Again today they said to us, after hours of waiting, that they will come out tomorrow. Needless to say I am ANGRY!

The pants...lol

I was thinking that it is about time to see a before and current pic of me. But I dunno how to post them!!!! I will take the pants on Saturday, because they needed to fix the hem (is it right? I mean shorten them a couple of cm's). So perhaps I will take a couple of pics during the weekend. But then, I will have to learn how to post them!

I must get used to the idea that my mom has cancer. The results of the biopsy will come out early next week. We all pray and hope that her muscular tissue will remain unaffected. This means she will have to go to yet another round of chemo. During these 10 weeks from her first biopsy, another tiny tumour managed to form in her cyst besides the chemo treatment. The doctor said that he did not want this to have happened. None of us had wanted this.

She is not feeling very positive right now. Honestly, I am all gloomy and blue too. I am trying to tell myself that this is life, that things happen, and yet life manages to go on, that I will not feel that devastated for ever, that there is always a sunshine to come, and all this, but I lack the vigoureness to persuade myself.

I get annoyed by laughs and small talk between the girls in the office. I get annoyed with so many things. My body is tensed and numb at the same time. I have no brain for work and yet I am pretending I am doing serious work here, so I keep my door closed.

This morning I got on the scales, in an attempt to do things as normal, and I have lost a kilo since yesterday. Sadness can prove to be a weight loss tool huh? And today is the grand opening of the music hall that my diva singer sings, and have to go home after work, and get dressed and do my hair and make up in all glam. I have not a clue how I am going to do this.

This is what I decided last night.

To abolish the "Gonna Club". I decided that I do not want to be a member of that club anymore. And I need your help. And your contribution. And your commitment too.

But let me tell you first what the "Gonna Club" is.

Think of the following situations:

1. You sit in your sofa late at night and you think ... tomorrow I'm gonna wake up early and go to the gym first thing in the morning.
2. You sit in a table with friends in your favourite restaurant and think... I'm gonna refuse dessert.
3. You go grocerry shopping in the supermarket and while you park your car you think... I'm gonna buy healthy food only, lean meats and greens and fruits and grains.
4. You go shopping for clothes and see a gorgeous skirt size 12 and think.... I'm gonna be able to wear this one day
5. You get off the shower and are in a rush and think... tomorrow I'm gonna apply body lotion because I have no time today

Possible continouation of the previous situations can very well be:

1. You stay in the sofa too long because the movie is great and your honey is cuddling up with you oh so devinely, and you go to bed long after midnight, where the cuddling evolves and you don't get to sleep before 2 a.m. The alarm goes on at 6 am but god you are so tired, you hit snooze a few times, and then reschedule your alarm for 8 am, with just enough time to shower and go to work
2. You are so proud of your self with your main course order, grilled fish with steamed greens, that when the lemon sorbe arrives, you think of it as a low fat kind of dessert, plus you want to wash out this fishy taste of your mouth, so you are oh so good and restrain by eating half of it.
3. And while in the supermarket, with your cart full of healthy goods, you see a wonderful discount on your husband's favourite turkish delights, and you buy two boxes, because you want to be a good wife and that, and you end up eating 3 of them in 3 days. But hey! You could have eaten the whole box (package included) so you still feel good...cos after all...you're gonna workout harder tomorrow!
4. And you pass the size 12 skirt, heading for the comfortable 16, which is not the usual 22 you used to wear, and definetely, one day, you will fit in a 12, because, remember?!. You are gonna eat brilliantly tomorrow!
5. And tomorrow you wake up just early enough for your 20 minutes in the treadmill, you quick shower, your banana on your way out breakfast, and still no time for body lotion, but hey! You're gonna take a long bath with salts and scrubs and body masks during the weekend!

This has been me in general the last couple of months. With a few shinny examples of actually realising my "gonna's", but a few alltogether.

So I decided I am not going to be a Gonna Club Member anymore. The sooner I realise that all I have for sure is the present, the better the future will be. It has to be inserted in my brain. Current choises win the battle. Not future ones. It is all about now. This afternoon. This day. Surely I do not mean to be perfect. Surely perfection is beyond my lead. But I can try. We all can! So, here comes the part I need your help, contribution and commitment, if you want to share this challenge with me.

My mom is checking in the hospital tomorrow for her cystoscopy and biopsy. So from tomorrow till Thursday I will be in the hospital with her. But Friday starts the challenge and I want you with me, if you feel like sharing a little adventure. Here is the scheme.

I will have to write down every day in my little notebook (have I told you I am super excited that Moleskin notebooks have finally reached Greece, so I get to buy them myself and not beg my friends that go abroad to bring me some?!) all the "I'm gonna" thoughts that cross my mind, the ones related to weight loss of course. And I will post them here for a week. And I will have to also post the course of action taken - or not.

Then for this week, I will also do a little training too. The first " gonna " thought that comes to my mind has to be realised instantly. Even for a short amount of time. For instance, if I think "I'm gonna spend some extra time in the treadmill tomorrow" I will have to get up, take the stairs, get out in the street, and walk, even if it is for 5 minutes.

I have yet once felt that I have slowed down with the process. Being perfect 5 days of the week and not-so-perfect-to-totally-blow-it the remaining two does nothing to me but maintaining. I have learned the maintenance trick very well me thinks. There is just one problem. Last night I asked myself, honestly and with sincerity, if this is what I want. Because you have to want something for it to be feasible. So I asked Argyro, while looking at her in the mirror, with just undies on, Darling, is this what you want to maintain for the rest of your life? And she replied, with equal honesty and sincerity, No, I do not want to maintain 90 kilos for the rest of my life. I want to loose 20 kilos and maintain 70 healthy kilos for the rest of my life, 80 at the most during my pregnancy. She told me that she is not "gonna to" from now on. She will just do it!

I trust her to try her best. Do you want to join in the challenge?

I am going to try and re-write a small entry containing most of the big post I just wrote and blogger ate. Do I make sense? lol

We had a great weekend. The dinner party was absolutely wonderful. Our ten friends had a blast. All of them complained while leaving that they will have to stay up all night because they all ate too much. We all ate too much. I told them to stay longer and try and digest together. They left at 4 am.

I went crazy Saturday morning and cooked so much.

A five kg pig leg soaked for 4 hours in red wine, with sage, garlic, red, green and white pepper. Then it got coated in a paste of lemon zest, cumin, garlic, coliander, olive oil, crashed peppers and salt, and baked in the oven for almost 5 hours. It was PERFECT! I made mashed potatoes with chestnut pourree. A spinach and shrimps souffle with smoked regato cheese. A pumpkin pie with feta and onions and pine nuts. An egg salad with capers and sundried tomatoes. A green salad with honey - balsamic vinegraitte. A chocolate mousse. A New York cheese cake. And last but not least, yogurt with double cream beaten up together, mixed with butter cookie crumps and grape spoon sweet!

It was a feast. I cooked with so much joy! It has been ages since I cooked a lot for lots of people. I spent so much time making our home look festive and autumn-y. Small and big baskets with pumpkins, quince, pears, apples, chestnuts, pommedegranates and candles were spread around the corners of the living room and dining room. Vases with cream button roses and hyacinths spread their sweet aroma. 60 candles lit the place. It was wonderful, and we all enjoyed it a lot!

Sunday we ate salad, boiled eggs and fruit. The good thing was that there were no leftovers at home. I paked the leftovers in small containers and gave them away to our friends as they left. One splurge was enough for me. Then I had to try several clothes to make sure I did not gain all the weight overnight, because I certainly felt like I did!

I am still having my period, and I still feel bloated. I have this yukky dry feeling of bloatness. But I realised that the last couple weeks I either drink green tea, coffee, or yogi tee. No water! So today, I packed my 5 750 ml bottles of water, and I am trying to drink it all :)

On Friday evening, I moved the treadmill from the living room it was to my study. Our house is very wintery and our friends always want to spend time with us during the winter months. I think it is the colours, the walls of our living room and dinning room are two different shades of cinammon, the sofa and armchairs are cream, our carpet is a handmade oriental one with all earthy colours and lotsa orange and reds, and I spent a fortune on candles, each and every night, even if we are just ourselves, we light at least 20 flames to have this warm feeling of soft candlelight.

But I have no tv in the study, and it makes the treadmill time pass so slowly. I managed 20 minutes this morning, and it felt as if I was there for 2 hours. I must come up with something, or else I will get too bored too soon.

I also just had lunch, grilled chicken breast and cabbage with grated carrots and lotsa lemon juice for salad. Dinner will be yogurt and banana and kiwis, because I will not get home before 11, since I have another premiere in yet another theatre.

Here is to a great week with great food and at least 150 minutes spent on the treadmill.

I had a very bad day yesterday at work. It was like a conspiracy. Everyone, from my assistant to each and every one of our clients, had something to complain about. Everyone was disappointed or upset with something. Everyone had something happened to them and they wanted to vent out by nagging and whining to me. It was not a good day yesterday, have I already said so?

To top it all up, I got my period. I was not disappointed or sad. But I am having one of the worst periods ever.Horrible cramps kept me awake most of last night. And I was craving too salty or too sweet all day yesterday too.

Angelos was no help either. He had a very bad day at work too. So on his way home, he called me and said to me that he needs to binge on peperonni pizza and ice cream truffles.HE asked me if it was too much to ask to share them with him, because he did not want to feel bad eating it alone. I had just cooked spinach with brown rice. I got upset, because I was feeling the need to eat bad too all day, and had resisted. And when he said he will bring these foods at home, I realised I am still game to a very good excuse.

My first reaction to his saying, after I got off the phone, was that I have been feeding him core foods for two weeks now and that he has always been so supportive by not bringing anything "dangerous" home, so this one time he needs to eat comfort food, I should be ok with it. I said to myself that I need to be sharing it with him since he asked me just this once. I had to be a good supportive wifey kind of. But this was bull. I have wanted to eat too salty and toos weet all day along. And he offered me the perfect excuse. And I took it so easily and said thank you too!

So I had three slices of peperoni pizza, and three icecream truffles. And had to bite my teeth to stop, cos I would have eaten the entire pizza and the entire box of truffles too. All this sugar made my cramps worse, and that got me even more upset, so I went straight to bed, with this yukky feeling of bloatness and eating something too greesy after days of eating right. While I was walking to thebedroom I asked him to hide the scales, so I won't weigh in in the morning.

When I woke up today, I wanted to call him and ask where he hid the scales. I did not. I did not weigh in yesterday, and I am so bloated from the period, that it is not a good idea. I still have bad cramps. I went to the treadmill and after 5 mins my cramps got worse, so I stopped.

So I made my coffee, and sat on the puter to read your blogs. In a very bad mood. Very. BAD. Mood!!!! The last two weeks, I have been restricting my smokes from 20 to 10 a day, in case I was pregnant. I have smoked 7 already all this hour I am sitting in the PC. I was angry with myself for eating bad yesterday, I was still mad at the clients and their madness yesterday. Then I read Kimba's update. And I calmed down. Then I read Tree's brilliant entry, and I felt even better. Last but not least, I read Beckie's entry, and I had a smile again.

Bottomline is, I have to be honest to myself. So, here are all my beans, spilt for you:

Good thing is that I believe in my ability to deal with the crisis in my life. The crisis is too much right now though.
Bad thing is that I felt all my stress released after the first slice of pizza.
Good thing is that I stopped at the third piece. I could have eaten three more easily. I wanted to. But I stopped.
Bad thing is that I ate the three truffles too.
Good thing is I stopped. The box had twelve, Angelos ate 4, I threw the remaining 5 in the trash bin, and after fifteen minutes I went, open the trash bin, and watched them melting, just to make sure the evil went away.
Bad thing is that I had heart burn all night combined with cramps and slept so little.
Good thing is that I got on the treadmill this morning.
Bad thing is that I could not do a descent work out.
Good thing is that I read Kimba's and Tree's posts that brought me back to reality.
Bad thing is that I wanted to post myself to let it out of my system.
Good thing is that I feel better indeed and I am packing last night's spinach and brown rice for lunch today.
Bad thing is that it is 15 to ten and I am still in pj's and have not yet showered.
Good thing is I don't give a penny. I am the boss, I will be late today!
Bad thing is that I won't be home tonight before long after midnight. Got another rehearsal to go to.
O.M.G.!!!! My brother just called me!!!! I am going to be an auntie again!!!! My sister in law is pregnant on their third child!!!!
Good thing is that life goes on! Gloriously!!!!
That just made my day!!!!
Off to the shower now :)

On Sunday evening, I had to go to the rehearsal at 8.30. My husband and I took a very late afternoon nap, a rather long one too. We both woke up on Sunday early - it always happens to us when the time changes - and after the party on Saturday, we were knackered. So we slept at 4.30 and woke up at 7.30 in the evening!!!

He was a bit worried when he woke me up. "Honey, its 7.30, you gotta get up, shower, get ready and go, or you will be late for the rehearsal!" I laughed and told him that he sounded as if I was rehearsing myself, that he sounded as if my being late for it would be a disaster cos noone else could do their job.

With this thought, I went to the bath, took a very hot, very long and very relaxing shower, then went into our bedroom, put on body lotion, new, comfy pj's, and went to the living room where he was watching tv, and told him. "I am not going there. I will cook for us. Don't approach the kitchen. Just light the candles!"

Hehehe...You should have seen his face. It lit up! He was thinking about yet another lonely evening at home, he was thinking of poor me working on a Sunday evening, and instead...a warm dinner with just us!

I opened the freezer and saw shrimps. Here is what I cooked, totally Core, and oh so deliscious!!!

You will need:

Shrimps
brown pasta (penne is a good option)
garlic
fresh basil
tomato juice
4 tsp of olive oil
powdered chilli
fresh grounded coarse black pepper
half a glass of white wine

Put the oil in a pot. Crash the garlic and saute it in the oil. Add the chili powder. Then put the shrimps on the pot, (whole shrimps, with heads and shells and all). Add the wine, and the tomato juice (a 750 ml bottle is just fine), some salt, and a glass of water. When it starts to boil, add the pasta. Stay close to the pot, cos you will have to stir it often so the pasta cooks and doesnt glues to the bottom of the pot.

It was heavenly! The pasta cooked in the juice of the shrimps and the tomatoes, and it was so tasty, you would not believe it! And the fresh pepper on top of it gave it the final kick!

Now, I would have stayed totally within my Core, if it wasnt for the remaining of that bottle of white wine.... ;o)