The Impatient Body feels awful still.

The Impatient Body is mad at me for keeping it full of fat. The Impatient Body is not my friend now. It is making me unhappy. It is keeping me away from people. My husband tries everything and I simply do not feel like feeling better. He keeps on telling me what a hard and wonderful job I have done. How changed I am. He even made me wear this pants that fell off totally to make me visualize my loss. Nothing worked. Nothing works. All I can see is myself in that dressing room trying swimming suits. And the way I looked 5 years ago, when I had lost the weight, and before I regain it all back. Plus.

And I am afraid now. I am afraid I will loose it again just to gain it back.

I know I will get better. I just need to get in close contact with all this sadness now. Perhaps this is how I will work things out. Once and for good!

When you have lost a lot of weight, things happen to your life. First, you begin to like what you see in the mirror in the morning. Second, you become more energetic and your mood and spirits rise. Third, you get compliments and support from friends and family and you feel prettier and you look prettier. Fourth, you get motivated and work harder towards your goal. Fifth, you are Greek, and it's the end of May and you have to start going to the beach because, not only you adore swimming, but most of the people who do not work like crazy as you do, have already started and their tan is showing, so you got to get a tan as well, cos more than anything, a tan suits your eyes and makes you look thinner too! And then...you go swimming suit shopping.

You wear your nice white linen pants, your new red t-shirt with your new red sandals, you admire your clean french pedicure, you take your gorgeous superfit husband, and hit the shops. Spirits are high cos hey! I've lost and am loosing this weight! And I look good today too! And my husband is full of compliments today!And then you enter the shop.

You pick 4 different swimwears and you hit the dressing room. And reality strikes with flabby white cellulite thighs. Reality strikes with huge arms. Reality strikes with loose skin and strech marks.

The blues instantly arrive with their hands full of goodies. So yeah, they say. You have gone from a size 22 to a size 18 bottom. And you have gone from a size 20 to a size 16 top. Yeah...I forgot! In the right skirt you can fit to a 16. And if the top is elastic, you have a couple of sizes 14 in your closet too! Yeah, UK sizes. But your skin is loose, your stretch marks show, cellulite is there, and you still look AWFUL in a bathing suit!

That happened yesterday. The blues are still here today :o(

No matter what, I am still fat. 90.3 kilos is still too much. And if I want to end this, I need to concentrate harder. And right now, I am not feeling strong. I feel tired and gloomy.

This morning I didn't exercise. I was too tired. I came home from work at 1 a.m. last night. I had a 15 hour working day. So I woke up and made a coffee and sat in the PC to check on emails and blogs. And my all time favourite dg had a new post. Which always brightens up my day. She hit a nail again. And ever since I read through it and through the article she mentioned, I feel kinda angry and upset and concerned.

I read many diet blogs. I surf through numerous diet sites. A year ago I used to feel that for british folks, for australians and especially Americans dieting is such an easy thing. You have cooking spray, you have splenda, low fat chocolate, "Oh I can't believe it's not butter" stuff, you have 99.9% fat free brownie mixes, fat free sour cream, low colesterol stuff, and I could go on for ever.

I felt deprived in my little corner of the earth. I would check the incredibly delicious desert recipes in the weight watchers site and get angry cos I would never be able to make them cos half of the ingredients were not available in Greece. I would have to come up with my own, and be moderate in consuming them cos points were always greater due to the things in them.

During this year, my attitude changed. All it took was a documentary in TV. It was about cattle, chicken and pork farms. It was about genetically (oops I don't know the word! changed? mutant?) vegetables and fruits. It was pure horror. I remember waking up my husband, cos the documentary was at midnight, dragging him from the bedroom to the living room where we have the TV, and making him watch it too. He was complaining for waking him up for about 30 seconds. His complaints were substitued by silence and horror in his eyes. We stayed up an hour longer after the documentary, talking about things we saw, things we heard, etc. And decided to go organic.

But I am still confused about things. I am still trying to figure out why we do this to ourselves. Unless the very small percentage of people who die when they are too old, most of us die from illness. In our bodies. Which we feed crap!

I have a trillion things to say. I am so sensitive about this. In the last couple of years I have seen 3 people curing their cancers with food only. You think I'm a lunatic. Perhaps I am. But these people live a cancer free life now and I have witnessed it.
But I won't go on. I will only say one more thing. Last summer I was following weight watchers. And exercising for at least an hour a day for 5/6 days a week. And eating lot's of "diet" stuff like artificial sweeteners, diet sodas, low fat cheeses etc.

My exercise lately has been moderate. Nothing like the 6 miles in 45 mins in the treadmill, plus a weight session I used to do last year. I am just walking for 40 to 60 minutes a day. Sometimes these 60 minutes are done in 4 sets of 15 mins each, depending on my work load.

When I was 96 kilos last year, I wore a size 20 skirt, and a size 18 top. In 96 kilos early spring 2004, I wore a size 16 top, and a size 18 skirt. Last year my exercise was stronger. This year it isn't. So no, exercise is not the reason my body shrunk. Eating good quality food is the ONLY reason. Cos in my body there are no chems. My system doesn't retain water to cope with the chemicals and antibiotics and poisons in my food. My skin is brighter. My hair shine. And I will keep on getting into my friends' nerves and scream: GO ORGANIC!!!

Oh dear blog! Imagine what a pain in the arse I'll be when I quit smoking this coming September!!!

I won't spell check this one!

I mean it. Let's all petition for 3 more hours in a day. Let's make days with 27 hrs! At least weekdays! Then we can feel we have some time for ourselves?! Praps feel more human?!

Soon...but not too soon I'm afraid. I'm having too much craziness at work to last me a week.

But oh my blog...I miss you!!!

My husband has one great friend left from his highschool years. I have known this guy for 16 years now and like him almost as much as my husband does. The last 5 years they kept their relationship between themselves. They would go to footy together, they would go for beers, they would work out together, etc. The last two years, they decided to involve the wives too. His wife is not my cup of tea, but I'm making the effort to go out with them a few times a month, cos my husband really likes the four of us going in places together.

Last night we were invited for dinner at their house. She called to ask me if I was still "watching my food intake". I told her that she shouldn't get into too much trouble, that I had already prepared food for the next couple of days, and I could bring something for me. "Don't be silly" she said. "A steak and salads are always handy in this household".

We arrived at their place at 9 p.m. At about 10 she started setting up the table. I moved to the kitchen and to help her and told me not to enter, that she'd do everything and I should just get myself comfy. So I did. The three of us sat on the table and waited for the gracious hostess to serve dinner.

First came three different kinds of salads. Green salad swimming in blue cheese dressing. Colourful peppers, cherry toms, avocado and pine nuts swimming in italian dressing. And a greek salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, olives, capers, feta cheese and oreganon, flooded in olive oil. I exchanged glances with my husband. "It's o.k." I said to myself. "I'll pick some cucumbers and tomatoes, leave them on my plate for a while so the oil runs, and just eat my steak".

Then the main course arrived. A HUGE platter with 4 different kinds of pasta. Penne carbonara, penne al pesto, penne with red wine sauce and garlic, and spaghetti with cream and mushrooms. She presented with a smile and said: "I decided to feed you vegetarian tonight".

"Oh, then the bacon in the carbonara is fake I assume?" came my question. I saw the look of "Please, let her be" in my husband's eyes, and took a deep breath.

But I was so angry. Why on earth did she ever called me to ask me what I was eating?! Why she didn't let me bring my dinner?

I picked some al pesto pasta. It's just basil, garlic, olive oil and pine nuts smashed in a blender then mixed with the pasta. The less dangerous one. But dangerous still.

She was complaining I was not trying the rest to tell her how it tasted. I told her that the moans coming from the men's mouths were a good indicator. She said, "But you are the master cook, your opinion matters". I was ready to throw my iced water with ALL the ice cubes straight to her face. Then something clicked in me.

I took a single piece of penne in my fork. From the red wine sauce bunch. I brought it to my nose. I smelled it thoroughfully. I then said: "The wine is not dry enough. The garlic shouldn't be crushed cos it overcooked in the oil. Excellent choice of red pepper. Gives it this little something" and then smiled and said "Master cooks go by smells".

The guys laughed, she faked a laugh too.

This woman is slightly overweight. Has something like 10 kilos to loose. Every time we meet since I started loosing weight has always something nice to say. But with a smile that never reaches her eyes. And then complains about her not being able to follow a diet for longer than two days. Blah blah blah.

On our way back home, while we we're walking in silence, my husband suddenly burst into a loud laugh. "What's up?" I said. "Brilliant...BRILLIANT!!!" He exclaimed. "What is so brilliant???" I asked puzzled. "Master cooks go by smell!" He said. And then he hugged me and told me that it was so unkind of her to do this. He promised that next time we meet for food with them, it will either be a restaurant of my choice, or our home so I can cook. I tell you. It will be our home. And I'm cooking fish. And leaving all the skin and bones in it!!!!

This morning I am back at 90.3. T'aint a big deal, besides the fact that I didn't enjoy it. But I still can't understand why...

I do my mind work. I do it once a week with my therapist. And I do it 24/7 a week alone. I do it with my husband. I do it with my friends. I do my mind work in front of the mirror, talking to myself out loud. I do it silently inside my head minutes before I drift to sleep.

I discover my demons and I confront them. And I confront them. And I confront them. With sincerity and devotion. And I confront them more. Deeper. And then, I confront them some more. And then I have a good number of successful days. And I think... aha! I confronted them! Strong and for good! Now I can forget about them!

It is then that happens. I loosen my guard, and the sneaky ones re-appear!

It took me years of yoyo-ing to finally accept the fact. My demons are unforgettable. My demons shall never go away. My demons are part of who I am. Confronting them is endless. I will have to confront them every single day. One way or another. The realisation of it made me feel tired at first. Is this something I will have to live with for the rest of my life? Isn't there a remedy? Something I will do, no matter how hard, and be done with them, for good, for ever and ever?

Then I thought of the latest confrontations. And the sweet feeling of accomplishment. And the bitter feeling of self disappointment. And how both of them make me feel alive and kicking. Each on its own way. Struggling, but with a cause.

Living a life is a full time job. I'm almost glad to announce that confronting my demons is a full - life job! It almost seems that the more things on my plate lately, the more variation I find in them.

I confronted my demon again last night. And the bastardious chocolate went from my hand to the garbage bin. Instead of second thoughts, I had a smile in my face. The scales thins morning said 90.2. Confronting a demon burns calories apparently *wink*

are all subjects to a good decorator. They all depend on the decorative art.

Think. No matter if you live in a huge mansion on a small flat, no matter if you have a huge garden with all kinds of flowers or just a pot with one plant in your tiny room, you very well know that taking care of how it looks makes all the difference. The colours, the arrangement, the candles, an old wine bottle with a single rose, a painting, a nice throw over a boring sofa, the little ceramic cat you brought from a trip, they all make the difference.

Think. You wake up in a tidy and beautiful home and your spirit rises. You come back to your little room and the sight of your plant highlights your entrance. You buy a pair of extremely cheap but oh so funky candle holders and you go back to your flat all excited to light them up and enjoy your evening.

And think again. Why would “decorating” ourselves be any different?

Tall, short, skinny, overweight, blonde, brunette, redhead or bold, we, like houses and gardens, need our "decoration". We all know how differently we feel when we take some time and care for our appearance. Our self esteem rises. Our smile shines. Our mood suits our appearance.

Lately, I have the effort to seriously take care of my appearance. I am trying different combinations with my clothes. I used to wear my red shirt with my black and grey pants or skirts. Yesterday I tried it with a brown skirt. Don't roll your eyes and rush to call me colour blind! They were so warm together!

I still wear my hair in a pony tail. But instead of my usual elastic bands, now I am using old, worn - out scarfs that were in a drawer for ages and were never worn till now. The silkish feel of the scarf on my neck gives me a good sensation all day. And the bright colours of the scarfs make my face look brighter. I put on my make up every day. I carry my Mac clear lip-glass with me and re-fresh it on my lips every now and then. I paint my toenails and nails. I wear earings!

What I mean is that I am feeling better when I carry my 90.3 kilos in colour than when I carry them in a dull face with no make up and these little things that make the difference: accessories! Cos then, if I get a compliment about my appearance, I get more focused on improving it.

Yesterday I treated myself to an icecream. Yup, the ones I was talking about the other day. We went to our friends' house, and they asked us to get them icecreams. So we did. On the shop, while I was looking into yogurts, I decided to treat myself to an icecream cone. It has been about 6 weeks since I had something sweet. I decided that deprivation is a sneaky evil that leads to binges. And one icecream a month won't harm me.

I hopped on the scales as soon as I woke up. And yes, it didn't harm me at all. And I felt so good about it, so relieved and content, I walked an extra 15 minutes this morning. And decided on buying an elliptical machine.

I promise you, it is!

On my way back home from work yesterday, I decided to not take a taxi, but walk for half an hour, and then take the bus. I finished at 10 p.m after a 4 hr meeting about a congress I am organizing for October '04. So walking was necessary for me to vent a little, or else my husband would be on for a very tensed Friday evening!

Now, summer is close and besides all other stuff, summer is icecream! One of the major icecream makers in Greece is one of the Great Sponsors for the Olympics. That means that there are huge icecreams everywhere. You see them on billboards, you see them on buses, you see them on TV, you hear lusty voices describe them in the radio. I had an apple for breakfast, 2 barley crisps with a tomato and some feta cheese and a growling stomach when I was surrounded by all those humungous icecreams. I was thinking I wanted one so badly.

Then my mind went through various dieting methods. I read about the quickness of SBD in so many blogs. Atkins is still resting in a piece of my mind. Weight Watchers are always an option. Fasting worked well for me once. Eating the same thing for 3 days in a raw - three days only protein, three days only carbs, three days only fruits, three days only veggies - had also very fast results. A friend is doing some weird diet a dietician gave her but she can have 3 icecreams a day, well, the 0% sugar 0% fat ones, but still...3!!!! Another friend is eating whatever she wants till 6 p.m. and then only drinks some weird enhanced green tea and she has lost lots of weight. Her lunch is always huge and fattening, fast foods, mexican, pasta, you name it. And she has lost something around 6 kilos in less than a month. I was thinking what would be the best fat burning exercise. Elliptical or treadmill. Early in the morning or whenever. I then saw a billboard with a slimming cream advertisement. I went mentally over all the brands I have heard of and I was wondering, if I was to use one, what should I choose: the anti-cellulite ones, the slimming ones, the firming ones? Then I got upset there aren't any creams that do all 3. Kill cellulite while slimming you by 2,4 cm (it kills me when I see this on TV..2,4 cm in a month!)and resulting in a more firm skin. Oh, and then I remembered the one that is supposed to "erase" strechmarks! Now I had bloody four to decide on!!!!

Half hour of walking and I was more tensed than when I left my meeting!!!

When I was in the bus, there was a young woman sitting in front of me, with a little girl, about 4 years old. They were quite a pair. The little girl was as charming as her mom. And it was in a very funny mood and they were exchanging jokes and I was watching them and they took my mind of my previous thoughts. As the people got off the bus - I get off at the last stop - and the bus got all quiet, I was watching out of the window, the city getting ready for a Friday night out, billboards with ads everywhere, neon lights, and then it stroke me!

Where did the logic went? We are Greeks for crying out loud!!! We were taught our philosophers at school. The ones that said "A healthy mind exists in a healthy body". The ones that said "Moderation is excellence" (and they didn't mean in spirit).

My stress deflated instantly.

I do not need to know any information about new revolutionary diets. I do not need to decide between elliptical and treadmill. Between early morning work outs and late night ones. And -THANK GOD!- I don't need to decide on which cream to massage on my thighs!!!

Actually, I wish I didn't know about any of this!!!!

I will eat right, and move. And keep believing that Ignorance is Bliss!!! And S T R E S S - F R E E !!!!

It is past midnight in this corner of the world. 12.34 to be exact. And I got back from work half an hour ago. I hate days like this. My first appointment was at 10.30 am. And it went crazy till 7.30 in the evening. And then at 8.30 I had to be to an event by Votre Beaute magazine that gave some rewards to the best cosmetics according to their readers. Fancy evening I must admit. Super models, actors and actresses, the Mayor of Athens herself, tons of celebrities and press. One of my clients is a radio station, and we were the media sponsor of the event, so we had to be there. There was lots of champagne, and wonderful finger food at the reception after the awards. I didn't touch anything. I had two glasses of water. It wasn't hard, I wasn't that hungry. I was kind of upset and restless to get back home. And now I'm finally home, my husband is asleep :o(

I know I know, I should go to bed. And I will...soon. I'm totally knackered, but wanted to smoke a cigarette and relax a little, remove my make up and...post!!! hehehe I am getting a new obsession me thinks!!! As if I didn't have enough already!!!

I have to report eating great, though I've skipped a meal. I had breakfast, a very late lunch at 4 p.m. and I had an apple, strawberries and a little cantaloupe when I got home (actually I am finishing it now). No "official" exercise, but so much walking between appointments, and an hour of window shopping (and some actual one too) with a girlfriend before lunch was enough for such a long and tiring day.

So now...all I need is to feel some warm flesh and cool sheets next to my skin. This woman is going to bed. Good night!!!!

I woke up this morning at 9am! I had set the alarm clock at 7.30. I don't know what happened! I got panicked the moment I realized the time. My plan was to wake up at 7.30, drink my coffee, go for a walk, get back and shower and get ready for work. Instead, I woke up the time I was supposed to be in the shower!

In a different day, I would skip walking, and go on with my morning routine. In a different day, I would have an honestly good excuse.

But not today! Because as the thought of making my coffee and sip it slowly in front of the PC, while checking mails and surfing a tad crossed my mind, I thought of this blog. And the promise I made to myself to eat right and move as much as I can. So, I put on my running shoes, and went for a brisk walk of 40 minutes.

I went home feeling so alive and content!

So I was late at work. I was at my desk at 11.30. Big deal! First, it's my company! (well...50% of it ;o)Second, I won't be leaving before 8 pm. And last, but not least, with the mood I have had all day due to this 40 mins of walking, I have done more work than I would have done if I was here at 10 and feeling I let myself down for skipping my exercise.

I have to tell you dear blog. On my second day with you, you already fulfill your purpose!!!!

Oh, and eating has been good too :o)

Cheers for now!

...eager to go home and play with her new doll, the one she had dreamed of so long and finally acquired! This is exactly how I felt on my way home from work. I understood that when I realized how fast I was walking. And then I realized I was in a hurry to get home, turn on the PC and post!

I am puter illiterate I'm afraid. There are so many things I would love to add here and make it more like myself, but I dunno how.

Then it's the language. I know I speak English well enough, but being a foreigner I'm making mistakes all of the time.

It is also the vague fear of someone of my friends and family will find this blog and then?!?!?!

Additionally, it is the thought of not making it happen now and have my failure here in full quote for the world to see.

And still...I can't wait to get home and "post"!!! I must have been 7 years old when I got my first journal. All pink with dried roses and girlie frilly stuff. I am equally excited!

My eating has been great today. I had an apple for breakfast, and a black iced espresso, I had a 100gr piece of beef fillet with grilled zuchinnis, yellow peppers, and portobello mushrooms, with a little bit of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I had an apple for my afternoon snack, and dinner is getting ready: I'm making burgers with a big salad. Oh I am so obsessed with burgers lately. I have found a way of making 3 burgers with the mince you'd need for 1! I put zucchinis, onions, peppers, and fresh herbs in the blender, mash them, and make a veggie "mince" which I add to the beef mince. The burgers are so juicy and tasty with all those veggies! Mmmmmm.... And I bought a bunch of strawberries from the organic shop, so there is also dessert tonight!

I walked 3 km. Not much, I know, but work has been insane today.

Overall I am pleased. I feel this blog will keep me motivated. If I can journal my day here, I can review things and see what habits are to be formed and what habits are to be broken.

I will soon take my measurements and post them here. And there is also the new scales.AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Panic panic!!! I got this new scales that measure fat and muscles and water and stuff. And I still haven't got the batteries in, out of fear they will show me something different than my current scales.

Ah its almost 8.30. My husband should be home in an hour or so. I feel like setting up the table with candles. And opening a bottle of wine for him. Yup, I am pleased today. I better go chill this wine for now...

Measured in lbs, pounds, kilos, grams, stones, or whatever, how much excess weight weighs is absolutely subjective. My friend needs to loose three kilos and she feels as miserable as I was feeling when I had 61 kilos to loose. She would complain and whine and nag all the time bout the size of her ass...a size 10 mind you. But her anxiety and difficulty in committing to loosing them was the exact same with mine. Honestly.

I have been struggling with weight for many years. Now that I am almost clean of all other issues and weight is just weight to be lost for me I can say with sincerity that I have felt the same disgust with my body when I had just 5 kilos more and the same disgust when I had 61 kilos to loose.

For me, the important thing was first to lift the weight of my shoulders. By doing so I waved goodbye and farewell to 36 kilos of fat.

Tricky thing that was. The taste of accomplishment resembles that of tequila you know. And it is equally intoxicating. It drives you to cloud nine, and makes you feel on top of the world. And then you slip... And then I slipped. Fitting comfortably to a size 18, sometimes a 16, enabled me to go shopping and have a blast, feel beautiful inside my clothes, and good about myself. But it did disoriented me from my initial purpose. To reach a healthy weight range.

I got 25 more kilos to loose.

And I am going to loose them.

By eating right and moving as much as I can.

These last 25 kilos will not be a diet for me. It will be a life-style change. And I will share it with you, if you want :o)

selfexplanatory...