You know, I really am a kid at heart.
Which is good and bad, according to both my experience and my therapist. It is good because I find joy and happiness in the smallest things. It is good because it allows me to dance like mad with absolute no embarassement in the most busy street in Athens with my niece till people start dropping coins in front of our feet. It is bad because the smallest things make me pout. Poutting is no adult behaviour you know. It is bad because sometimes I expect too much. Expecting is no adult behaviour either. You are a grown up, you want something, you do whatever it needs to get it.
I am in this constant dillema about how to feel lately. I should feel calm and accomplished after the hard work I put into these Christmas events we organised. I should feel happy and secure cos of my monthly paycheck. Instead, I pout. And while I pout I try to tell myself that I should not pout, so I try to smile. But the truth is I pout some more.
I did no baking this christmas. I spent no time with my niece and nephew. I had no sex by the tree. These are the things that make Christmas Christmas for me you know.
On the other hand, I am full of ideas. I am full of desires. I am full of plans. Things are happening inside me that make me want to move, make me want to take action, make me want to change.
I realised last night, while eating truffles of course, that indeed, the pleasure of taste is unbeatable. However, there is one thing that can really beat that feeling. I don't know how to properly describe it. You all have your little indulgence that makes your mouth water like no other. Be it pizza, be it chocolate, be it chips, it does not really matter. Let's say it is lasagna. I can eat a huge serving of lasagna and moan from the first bite to the last. And feel this sensual pleasure the taste and the texture of the food gives me. Unbeatable feeling really. But then, there is this little additional feeling that follows that makes all the difference. If the lasagna are made by my mom for instance, there is cream, there is butter, there is olive oil in the sauce, there is lots and lots of parmezan. So the little additional feeling that comes along is guilt. Which manages to instantly erase all the pleasure felt minutes ago. However, if the lasagna are made by me while I am eating right, there is 0% fat milk, there are perhaps 6 tsp of olive oil for the whole tin, there are about 8 Tsp of parmezan at the most, no butter, and many many grated veggies to give an extra taste. After a bigger piece of these lasagna compared to the piece I'd eaten of my mom's lasagna, there is the little additional feeling of pride. I really feel proud when I eat healthy, according to my weight loss plan whatever it might be at the time, and have used all my resources in order to make a meal that is tasty, nutritious, and can be eaten in satisfactory quantities too.
I only want to feel like that you know. When I am in this mode, I can enjoy my treats with pride too. I can eat my chocolate, perfectly within my points/cals/plan, and feel rewarded, not guilty.
Too much change recently has not come unnoticed. It has taken its time to sink, but it's really present now.
I do not want to be fat anymore. I am not a fat woman inside like I used to be. I am all but that. And there are so many things I cannot control in my life. Like an extreme work overload that makes me feel like I missed Christmas. And all the tireness and tension that goes along. But let me tell you this. When I got home after a long day and ate a big bowl of brocolli baked with lemon juice, onions, and a little feta, followed by a small piece of roasted chicken, I went to bed feeling proud and happy. When I got home after a long day and ate a big bowl of pasta with bacon on red wine sauce, followed by a generous serving of chocolate fudge icecream, I went to bed feeling stuffed and tired. On the first case, I would wake up the next day still tired but in a very good mood. On the second case, I would wake up the next day still tired, and really very gloomy.
So the deal is as follows.
I weighed in this morning. No way I will enter 2006 in the desired 85 kilos. I have gained a kilo since the last weigh in. 87.2 is today's number.
However, I weigh less than last year. Not much. 7 kilos less if I remember well. But its less. And even if it was the absolute same weight, I still would have been pleased with that. With my history of regaining all plus some more, I really can tell now that I will never be in my starting weight again. Never.
But I decided that I have sacrificed many things in our life so far to let another year slip by. I am not getting younger you know. I will be 37 on January 31. And I can tell you now that it is enough with the casual life style. Since my husband and I decided to postpone the baby making for another year, due to this new job and money really, I think this is the year I should take advantage of and finally tie all the loose ends.
January 2nd will mark the beginning. There are so manypossible plans of action in my head right now, and I need a bit of time to decide.
The main areas I will need to work on however are very specific:
1. Loose the weight
2. Increase fitness
3. Clear all dept and save
4. Spent more quality time with my husband
5. Get back to the "rabbit" mode with him. It is really so not like me to not have sex at all in 3 weeks, like its the case recently. It doesnt matter how tired I am. I should ...give in...lol. Its funny to come up with excuses just to catch an hour more of sleep.
There are so many things at the office right now that need my attention. But I am sincerely overworked and totally unable to function. I need some rest. I have a few days off, actually I work till New Year's Eve, I am back to work on January 2nd, and then I have the 3rd, 4th, and 5th off. January the 6th is a national holiday, so I will have almost an entire week to rest. I had actually taken these leave to go to Amsterdam and although I cancelled the trip I forgot to cancel the leave. And till this morning, I was thinking of cancelling it to make sure I can leave for the Amsterdam trip early February.
But I am not sure anymore. I feel that perhaps we should not go this year. And save the money instead. We will see.
Anyway, I got to go now. But I will be back tomorrow. I still have not bought the computer for the house. I had some time in my hands yesterday, but the thought of having to think and decide (laptop or deskop? vario or satellite?lol) was too much. But I want my puter. And my digital cam as well. I want to start my healthy cooking blog with pics and recipes and all. I want to post progress pics come the beginning of the year. Measurements, weight, bmi, all the stats.
I want to get focused on me. On my mission. On my desire. On my embetterment.
Will you come along?