There are holiday pictures loaded in flickr for you to see!

Private ones, for friends only, because in most of them there are other people too, and because (mainly) in many of them I wear a bathing suit...heheh.

Those of you who are friends and not added on my flickr list email me at argyr at otenet dot com.

For you lurkers, you will have to wait a couple of days more till I make here the photo post I promised with landscapes and aqua waters!

You may recall that I am the "disgrace" of my family. This is how my brother and father call me affectionately because I come from a family of fishermen and really deslike fish. My great grandfather and my grand father from my paternal side had a big armada of fish boats in Vosporus in Asia Minor. Then my grandfather was forced (along with all the Greeks) to leave Smyrna, and he took my grandma and moved to Athens. He had no fortune, since they had to leave everything back, and started working in the port of Pireus cleaning fishing boats for a while. Then he opened his first fish shop. The fish shops passed to my father and then to my brother. All my family adores fish. My husband included. I am weird. I love eating fish grilled in real charcoal when I go on summer holidays in the islands. There is something really appealing to me sitting in a small tavern by the sea eating extremely fresh fish. But at home....tis super yuck!

I made an agreement with Angelos that we will eat fish at home at least twice a week. For various reasons really. First, because it is healthy food. Second because it is free food. We decided to start saving some money and buy a small piece of land in the island we went to. Really small piece, no more than 200 square meters. Enough to built two rooms, a bathroom and a kitchen and have a garden and a patio overlooking the sea. Though for at least 5 years I can see us living in our tent there...lol

Anyway, back to the fish. Now that we have our fancy BBQ, I thought that eating fish at home would be somehow bearable, since it would be similar to charcoal grilled one. Well, it is actually. But do you have any idea how fish smells while grilling? Y.U.C.K.!!! Omega 3 fatty acids be damned, this is thing smells BAD!!! But I have been particularly good, and have taken my two times a week done already. Fish was eaten yesterday and on Monday, with the promise of a big ball of frozen grapes and a few figs for dessert. And with some olive oil and lotsa lemon to disguise it a tad. It was funny really, because Angelos was moaning from pleasure and I was moaning from torment!

You know I thought getting back on diet would not be really tough. After all, I had no real craves, I considered myself satisfied and happy and lucky for having maintained all this time. But alas, Monday I was starving all day. I was tempted more than 10 times. But I stood strong. And I realised that I need a trick. And small steps too.

So the approach for this week is pretty simple really. I am not much of a breakfast person. I like having my coffee and that's it. Even croissants and bacon rolls cannot really tempt me enough to eat them in the morning. Imagine cereal or fruit. Also, for the entire summer I have been eating nothing all day, besides a piece of fruit for lunch or an occasional salad, and then had a big dinner. So for this first week I am doing the following things to get myself into the loosing weight battlefield again:

Get used to eating three meals a day. I eat breakfast. Two pieces of fruit. Period! Then lunch is a salad with either tuna or feta or grilled chicken or legumes tossed in. Olive oil and lemon or vinegar, depending on the kind of protein I put in. And dinner is some kind of protein with some veggies. Twice a week I will have some carbs for dinner too, pitta bread or bulgur or basmati.

I will not stress about portions this first week. I first need to get back in love with simple food. I will first get rid of my ice cream addiction and replace it with a fruit addiction. So much fruit to indulge to in the farmer's markets nowadays. Grapes, figs, melons, fresh apples, cantaloupes, water melons, fresh prunes, dumsons, bullaces, you name it!

After weigh in on Monday morning, I will reasses the plan and see what will be the thing I will change for my second week.

I am not doing any exercise right now, besides the occasional unplanned walking . But I want to let you know that the sea is the best gym ever. I will tell you all the things I did in the sea this summer that stunned my husband and resulted in me having looser jeans and firmer thighs although gaining a few kilos! However, there there are a few things I am contemplating right now concerning exercise and as soon I have all my options worked out, I will let you know.

Sofia had her birthday last night. I came home from work, ate the afforementioned fish, got dressed, waited for Angelos to pick me up, and we went to the party. I drunk water and club soda, I did not touch the snacks, and I only ate two bluberries that decorated her birthday cake. I felt good!

I did not like the first day back to work yesterday. But before leaving for my last appointment I left the pics of the holidays to my assistant so that she would scan them. I hope I have time later today to post them! But right now it is time for shower and getting ready for work!

Have a beatiful day!

And you know what it means. Re-starting your diet after a longish period of time that is. Three things, to me at least:

1. Re-evaluate your eating plan and see what approach you will have this time. Think about exercise and form a feasible plan.

2. Get a bit nervous about both, and start making negative thoughts, resulting in re-evaluting the re-evaluated while eating valhrona sorbet by the gallons.

3. Record a start weight after you been two "unsuccesful-in-getting-rid-of-all-the-ice-cream-and-pitta-gyros-you-ate-during-the-weekend" times in the toilette on this particular Monday morning.

Yep, this is exactly me right now.

After the grocerry shopping on Saturday morning I was hit by a severe case of post holidays blues. Grocerry shopping was indeed fun. We went to the farmer's market and bought plenty of fruit (water melon, cantaloupe, fresh new apples, grapes, the last peaches, figs, and melon) and tons of veggies (zucchinis, red, green and yellow peppers, lettuce, rocket, dill, shallots, tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, eggplants) and then we went to my brother's fish shop, where I got a few compliments on my tan and lotsa fresh fish and shrimps and a few lobsters too (it's good to have my brother miss me, he gives me tons of free food...hehehe), and then we went to the butcher and got meat (chicken, pork chops I had him trim the fat off, lean beef mince). Then we returned home and filled our empty fridge and freezer. And when I was done and saw the fridge full of colourful fruits and veggies and the freezer stocked with food for at least 2 weeks, it hit me. This was our refrigerator on normal life. Not the pre-post holiday empty one. But the refrigerator I came back from work every day to cook dinner.

Which meant that soon, Angelos and I would not spend every single moment of the day together. Instead we would spent a couple of hours at night together and then sleep. And we would wait for the weekend to actually see each other. Instead of receiving phonecalls from friends to see when we would finally return from holidays, I would soon recieve phonecalls from upset photographers, neurotic journos, pissed off actresses.

To say I collapsed is an understatement. Top this up with waiting for my period by this coming thursday the latest, you can imagine how easily I called Fresh and ordered 2 pints of Valhrona Sorbet, a pint of Mantarine Sorbet, a pint of bourbon vanilla ice cream, and a pint of pistachio ice cream. I kept one pint of Valhrona at home and the rest I took with us for dessert to our friends (the ones whom we spent one week with in the island) where we were invited for dinner.

We all ate enormously in dinner. Giannis, our friend, is from Sifnos island and had promised us a typical Sifnos dinner. First, they cook in a ceramic pot, which they cover with dough, so that no air gets either in or out. And this ceramic pot with whatever is in there is baking in the oven for at least 8 hours. In Sifnos they are famous for their chick peas. So the first course was chickpeas with lots of onions and lemon juice in a very thick sauce. Second course was Sifnos lamb with potatoes. Now picture this: On the bottom of this ceramic pot, they place thin branches of vine. On top of them the potatoes cut in big pieces. And on top of the potatoes the pieces of the lamb. No oil or other juices besides 2 glasses of white wine. Then a secret mix of herbs (bastard did not share...hehe) and then the dough to cover the pot, then in the oven for eight hours. Can you imagine how the lamb and the potaotes melted in the mouth? We also had fresh Sifnos cheese and a huge tomato salad. And then all 4 pints of icecream!!!

All depressed for being back, we thought binging would soothe the sadness. And it did, temporarily as always.

And yesterday I was really very depressed too. I did some housework, and then Angelos persuaded me to go to the beach, where I got more depressed, because there was no comparison between the waters we swam in the island and the water we swam in yesterday. And then we were back home and since we had not eaten nothing but fruits on the beach all day, we ordered 3 pitta gyros each, 2 beers each and finished the meal by sharing the remaining Valhrona pint.

And all this introduction was to just tell you that this morning I weighed on 90.5 kg!!!!

I left for holidays at 87. 5 and I was back from the island at 89.2. I gained a bit more than a kilo over the weekend *sigh*.

But I already have eaten my breakfast and I am defrosting fish for dinner and I will have my salad for lunch too. It is about time to get serious and drop the rest of the weight, don't you think?

I have my plans ready, but this is too long a post already!

Do you get this feelilng after your summer holidays? A feeling stronger than in New Year's Eve, a feeling of a fresh start, a feeling of evolvement coming?

If you think that I have spend all my Septembers from the age of 5 till the age of 22 planning the new school year, you will understand why I am feeling stronger about September "resolutions" than the new year's ones. But luckily for you, it is still August, and although there are so many things in my mind already, there is still time to conclude them and put them down. But beware, I have returned with decisions!

Our holiday was magnificent. No, not magnificent. Superb. No, not suberb. There is actually not one word that can really describe it. From August 5 to August 10 we spent the first days in the island by ourselves, then on August 10 our friends came till the 17th, and then we were alone till the 25 we left. Alone so to speak, because through the 3 years we go to this small devine island we have made lots of friends with locals that we really feel like home.

We spent all day yesterday tending to our poor hurt plants. The cleaning lady who was supposed to water them (anf got generously paid for this too) did not do it the way I told her, every other day that is. She must have come every three or four days and then over water them. The result were 9 dead plants, 6 of the dried to death and 3 were so overwatered that the roots got rotten. And there are also 3 more plants that have little chances to survive. Then we cleaned the house, took the photos we had left earlier for development, and met our friends (who came to the island for one week) and saw pictures and had dinner and got all nostalgic about the dinners we had in the island.

As soon as I go back to work (on the 30th) I am going to scan the pics and give you photo post with all the things we did and see in this wonderful small piece of land swimming in the Aegean.

I came back from the island with a few things, some were gifts given to us as we were leaving by our local friends, some we bought. So I came back with sage and thyme I picked from my two favourite beaches, thyme honey, 1.5 lt of organic concentrated home made tomato paste, a kilo of fresh goat cheese, 5 kilos of wild kid (is this the right word for a small goat?), and 1.7 kilos more in the scales. But! Jeans are looser, and the test red linen shirt fits almost perfect now! So much swimming and snorkeling and walking and 89 stairs to climb at least two times a day to get to the place we lived, that my body has shrunk a tad. Still is disheartening to see the number up while I had Angelos telling me every day the last week that I must certainly have lost weight!

Right, I will leave you now and start a grocery shopping list. Our fridge is empty and there is only half a pack of basmati, one pack of whole wheat pasta, half a pack of lentils, and just enough coffee for a second one right now!

Although I would give a leg and an arm to still be in the island, I have to admit it feels good to be back so refreshed and calm and serene. So tanned too...hehehe. And you know, I have really missed you while we were away!

to wake up at 7.30 this morning, wait for the manicure/pedicure woman to come do my nails at 8.30, then leave for a few last minute shopping (books mainly and extra sun tan lotions so we don't run off), then come home, do a long post, read the blogs, pack and leave at 1.30.

Instead, I woke up on time, the pedicure lady came on time, my cleaning lady came on time to pick up my keys to water my plants, and then left to go to water my mom's plants.

Then she called me.

Thieves broke into my parents home.

Ever since we been counting stuff that was taken. I have packed like maniac and now we got to go to the polive station again!

BUT!

My mom and dad are ok with it, though sad, but strangely serene. And we are going on holidays. I am trying to still wear pink :)

We will be back between August 23 and August 28, depending on how long our money lasts!

You take care all!!!!

I never really spoke to you about the last marathon I had in therapy. But those of you who have been following 25 to go from the begining might remember that I always do. Also, those of you who know me well by now may have realised that since the last marathon I have not really been myself.

The series of "bad" things happening have a lot to do with this. When the energy is low, the mind is in a mist, and the heart aches, a person can easily forget, lose things, etc.

For a person to gain massive amounts of weight, them being food lovers is never enough of a reason. There is always a serious emotional reason that comes along too.

It can be an unbearable emptiness that needs to be filled. It can be deprivation that brings rebellion. Or, as it is in my case, it can be a very vivid sexuality that scares and needs to be supressed.

The last marathon opened the wound of a very old trauma, one I almost had no recollection of.

I went to elementary school in a private one. Where the girls and the boys wear uniforms. Sky blue skirt, crispy white shirt, navy blue sweater, white socks, blue shoes, and the obligatory white or sky blue band in the hair.

The school bus used to come and pick my brother and I up everymorning. But sometimes we used to miss it and our mom had to drive us to school. Which we all did not like. Us cos we wanted to go with our friends, and she cos she had to change her plans at the time. The one and only reason we would miss the bus would be the hair band. I'd discover at the last moment that I had no clean bands. My mom would then send me to the little shop at the end of the block to buy a new one. At this shop, there was Mr. P., whom I knew since I was two. Sweet old man in his middle sixties, running a small shop with candy and newspapers and little stuff like hair bands. I used to play with his grandchildren.

I was around 6 or 7, when I went to buy yet another white hair band. It was early and quiet. He told me to go sit on his lap. Which was something he would do occasionaly. Take me on his lap, give me some candy, tell me how much more good a girl I was compared to his grand-daughter. I was enjoying the attention. And the candy too.

That one day, he caressed my thigh, and slowly slipped his hand inside my panties. I felt odd, I remember it so well, but not bad. After all he was my sweet Mr. P. I felt him like a grandfather. So he was caressing my vagina, and it did not feel awful. I was feeling warm. And then I begun to get restless because I suddenly thought of the bus. I told him I had to go cos mom would yell at me if I missed the bus. He told me ok, smiled, and told me not to tell mom anything cos she would feel jealous that he doesn't like her as much as he likes me, and I did not want to hurt mom's feelings.

Mom was indeed furious. Because she was worried of where I was. It had taken me lots of time to get back home, because I was trying to figure out an excuse. I remember her first words: Where WERE you?! I was worried SICK! What on earth were you doing?

I remember saying the wrong words: "I cannot tell you!"

My mom insisted and insisted and she was so worried that she really yelled at me at some point and I remember breaking down in tears and saying I did nothing wrong and then through my tears I was telling her what happened and how nice he was to me and that he cared about her too and did not want to hurt her feelings and that I knew he was right because look at how she was reacting!

Horror. Terror. Panic.

My mom called my dad, the doctor and my aunt. She sent my brother to school with my aunt. The doctor examined me. He made me lie on my bed and open my legs. He said to my father: "She is not ruined, do not worry". Ruined? Why would I be ruined?

I then learned all the stories of the big bad wolves out there. My parents on their best effort to protect me terrified me. But I was born a sensual woman. And this bifurcated me. It draw me away from my body. It caused a schism between love and touch.

All this was burried deep inside me. Till Sunday, July 17, 2005.

I begun to gain weight right after that incident when I was a kid. Till recently I thought that the reason was my brother (which is another long story). Then I lost the weight as a teenager. Then had an accident when I was 18 that did not allow me to dance anymore and gained 40 kilos again. Only that the accident happened cos I was "playing" with my bf while he was driving. Then I lost again the weight.

But then, I gained 60 kilos a few years back too. Back then, my vivid sexuality was the reason again. I had opened all windows and secret doors of my imagination with my Englishman. See, it was safe. Him in his study in England, me in my study in Athens. But the beast was released. I suddenly wanted to live out all my fantasies. My Englishman was hesitant to meet me, though I had proposed this twice. I was married. He was living with his partner. What if this was true? Then Angelos was finding most of them a bit too "weird". I was asking him to hire a pro and have a threesome. He refused. So I met a lesbian and had an affair with her. I almost destroyed everything I had managed to built and call my life.

Then, I begun to eat. Every day long binges. Cooking and eating cooking and eating.

When you are fat you do not run the risk of becoming a nympho. I mean what if you actually become one? All you would do was have a big collection of toys. Cos who would want to really get into the shack with you?

Layers of fat became my protection from the filth I still had left inside me after that incident. The filthy old me who was almost ruined! The stupid little girl who so naively thought that this big bad wolf was actually a big sweet bear.

Do you know how it feels when you remember these at the age of 36? It was like someone cleared a dirty window from all the dust accumulated in 3 decades and I could finally see what was behind it. A weird feeling of finally understanding why. A new sense of power. But immense amount of pain too.

I have a series of exercises I have to do daily so that my body releases all this stagnant energy. I have a series of exercises to do daily so that my muscles in certain areas learn to stop contracting without a reason. I have a series of exercises I have to do in order for my uterus and genitals to finally relax. To finally trust my sexuality, accept her, love her, feel proud of her.

I am looking so forward to them. I really get to a kind of nirvana thinking of me doing these exercises in the beach with Angelos (most of thme require a partner) in the island. And then exploring my body with him. All over again. Like the first time. Like I am a teenager ready to explore her first lover, ready to let her body be his toy. Like I never heard about bad wolves. Like I never heard or were told that I should not have sex because I would get pregnant. Because I am not 12 anymore. And I should stop acting like I am. I am married to the man I love and I so want to get pregnant. This is not a threat anymore you know. This is a blessing I am craving for.

I walked from therapy to the main shopping area downtown. Must be 3 to 4 km. In 40 C. I did not mind the heat and I have very little tollerance for the heat generally.

My mind was set.

Angelos asks me to wear a halter top for eons now. He has a little fetish with my collar bones and shoulders (among other things...heheh). I like my collar bones. I like my shoulders too. But I dislike my flabby, fat, full of stretchmarks arms.

I bought five different halter tops. You know why? Not to do my husband a favour. But to do myself a favour. The favour of seeing myself through the eyes of the man I love. The favour of accepting that even with these tragically plump arms I can still make my man drool.

Suddenly, after the session and the shopping nothing feels like it did yesterday. The urge to scream has been altenated by a smooth and serene feeling of hope.

And I am telling you all this because for once more I want to tell everyone that the body is amazing. The body remembers. And the body is afraid too. However, its ability to forgive is a lot greater than its ability to succumb to guilt. It really is a temple. And ladies. Never forget we hold the keys to the temple. We are the high priestesses after all.

To you all....sincerely thank you for making me feel I can share this with you.

Now, I will go buy a bra suitable for halter tops. Who would have though...hehehe :)

Since Sunday night I have been wanted to post. So many things in my mind that needed a way to untangle. Blogging really untangles my thoughts. But did I have a chance? Well no!

On Sunday I tried to post while Angelos and Elias prepared our dinner (they both insisted so I had some time to relax). Did they really let me a single minute without questions? Noooo. "Where is this? Where is that? How do we do this? Oh really? Why we do it like that then, couldn't we do it like this?" arrgghhh!!! Plus the directions and ingredients were specific from the start. While on the beach (yes, thank god at least I went swimming on Sunday) I told them I had taken chicken breasts from the freezer for dinner and I thought that we could have these with potatoes and mushrooms on the bbq plus a big tomato salad with lotsa fresh herbs. How does this sound to you? I asked. Yummy, the boys replied.

But come the cooking time, they were coming to my study all the time asking...why not cut the chicken breast in half and add some cheese in the middle...or...why do we have to cover the potatoes with aluminum foil to bbq them...or...hey, have you ever thought of cutting the tomatoes for the salad first and then rinse them all instead of rinsing them first and then cutting them? Arrrrggggghhhhhh.....

Since the minute I got in the office on Monday morning I had a blog post window open only to close it just before I left work. Same thing today.

Either someone is really testing the remains of my patience, energy, and endurance, or (more likely) I simply kid myself when I think I have any of them left at all!!!

So really, I had so many things to say. Actually I was grouping them on my mind on Sunday in order to make a coherent post with both updates on life/weight/weightloss/or lack of and thoughts/feelings/conclusions/ideas.
Now? Really, all I want is to scream! Whine. Winge. Complaint. Fuss. Snivel.Yoooooooooowwwwwwwl!!!!!

It seems like I am in a string with not so nice things happening. Most of them cost too. Like our car, on which we spent 700 euros for a full service two weeks ago. And which had a problem on its radiator and thermostat which costed us a fortune last Thursday.

Or the phone line. When I am talking on the phone, and any of my neighbours is calling as well, we can all have a nice chat together. All 4 of us. Cute innit? When I am in the internet, and my neighbour decides to give a call, he disconnects me. So we called the phone company. Who told us that this is a problem of the electrician who did the network on the building. So the electrician came. And insisted that this is not his problem. And to prove his point, he disconnected all lines from the building distributor and connected them directly to the network outside the building and we were all with wireless phones on the street speaking to our someone and each other too! Indeed. The electrician proved his point. But the phone-company? They "do not think" they can do anything about it, since to fix the problem they would need to dig deep and re-do the underground wiring. But hey...they are not cooperating with the condructor who did this job anymore!

Or I go to a shop and buy a couple of t-shirts, a pair of capri pants, a nice skirt paid for them, took the recipt, wait for them to give me the bag, go home and find a dress, a few lingerie items, and a hot jeans short, all in size 10. So then I go back to the shop, with my receipt, and tell them that the girl in the casshiers probably mixed the bags. But noone had returned my stuff, and they refused to either take the wrong ones back and gimme the items I chose and paid for or refund me! And when I asked them if they think it is possible for me to buy stuff in 3 sizes smaller do you know what the shop manager told me? "How could I possible know? You women are weird creatures"

Arrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

If you are laughing now, you really should. If you are so polite that you think of poor me and have restrained your laughter, please let it out. At the end of the day, I laugh with all these too. However, before reaching this point of careless laughter I have smoked a pack of cigs and have consumed at least a couple of beers.

Right, I vented a little :)

We are leaving on Friday afternoon. And the weather forecast gives thunderstorms all day on Friday and Saturday. This is a 12 hr long ferry trip.

Between tomorrow and Friday, I plan to give you at least 3 big posts with all these things I mentioned above.

And I know I owe most of you a post card from last year. But in my wallet I had my little precious address book. So any address I had is lost. If you want to get a post card, or a letter, or a pack with a bit of sand and a few sea shells from Fournoi (tis the island we go to), then email me at argyr at otenet dot gr and I will really post them this time!

Cheers for now, I got to get all dressy here at work and then go to a play in the ancient theatre Herodion on the bottom of the Acropolis hill. We are working for this producer who called me half an hour ago to tell me he promised invitations to more people that he should, the show is sold out, and I should be there as soon as possible, cos I will have to handle the situation!

Breathe Argyro...breathe...soon you will be in that ferry (and hopefully it won't rain during the trip!!!)