I have an appointment at 9.30 in the new job. I'm excited. I assume it will take a good couple of hours. Then, I decided to pay my partner a visit. I am going there to talk to her and clear things out. Enough procrastinating and silly excuses. I was telling myself that I did not want to show weakness by crying should I feel like this. And with this excuse I have shown an even bigger weakness by not confronting her at all. Well, this is not the case anymore. I was thinking that taking some distance would help really, and because we are leaving for a long weekend this afternoon, I was thinking to take some time and then speak with her on Monday. Not the case, really. I left the office at 3 yesterday and walked to the national garden, walked there for an hour, fed the ducks and the birds, looked at so many young mothers and kids, then walked for another 3 hours all over Athens. Downtown, main shopping streets, really very quiet, and with exceptionally good weather for ths time of the year, a sunny 24 C. Then I walked over Plaka and old Athens and the Acropolis. This really cleared my head.

We will be back on Sunday evening. We are going in a place called Kardamili in Peloponese, a place we passed by 5 years ago and wished I could stay for a few days ever since. Its a strange story how we are going, we were seated with some strangers during the lunch after a christening, and we sort of clicked together and had lotsa fun. So they have a house over there and they invited us over. Although I am excited I really am feeling a bit weird to go now, since Ive only spent with them 3 hrs and now we are going to sleep over their house for 3 days...lol

I was thinking of a gift to take, and I decided to make a breakfast basket. 2 loafs of my mom's whole wheat bread, a small jar with my fig marmelade, a small jar with my grape spoon sweet I made on sunday, and chocolate chip cookies and oat/raisins/almond cookies I'm making when I'm back home after the appointments. Then I'll go to the organic shop and buy a good butter, a good goat cheese, 12 eggs, a couple of good sausages and apple waffles. I got the classic plaited red and white tableclothe and I am going to cut it in small pieces, and put everything in a piece, tie it up with some string, and place everything like this in a rustic basket. You think its nice?

I'll be back Sunday evening or Monday morning to tell you how everything went!

I'm excited...and a bit stressed. This place is about 350 km away...have I ever told you how I fear road trips?

I was tagged by Catesa!

And I have a bit of time before getting of this desk and entering the bath to take a shower and change for the last premiere, so I thought I'd do the tag post. I was really stunned when I read the 5th sentense of my 23rd post.

But the rules first:

Go into your archives
Find your 23rd post
Find the fifth sentence (or the closest one to it)
Post the text of your sentence in your blog along with these rules
Tag five other people

And here is the 5th sentense of the 23rd post, written on June 16 2004:

So if I can't win the Lotto - since I am not playing anyhow - can I get a nice job that won't have me slaving over maniacs and preferably somewhere else please?

All I want to say is wow! It really made my jaw drop!

And I think everyone has been tagged already, so I'll skip the last rule.

Right...beautification process begins. I want to look smashing on my last premiere!!!!

I woke up too early for a Saturday. My mind is not at peace. I was up while it was still dark, 6.10 am. The good thing is that Angelos woke up too a bit later, so we got to have morning sweeet cuddles and jokes in bed, and I feel better. A bit better. And I thought I'd try to see if the puter turns off, and yes it did! My museum item is resurrected! And I am begging him to last just 4 more weeks, till I get either the new credit card or the first pay check!

I have a lot of anger and hurt inside me concerning my partner. She goes around telling people that she had me like a sister and now I am betraying her. She says how hard things will be for her now without me to handdle some of the projects. There are a few from our clients with whom I was close too, and they won't answer their cell phone when I call them, nor will speak to me when I call their office. Two of them were calling themselves my friends too. And both of them are artists that fall in the alternative side. Hard stuff to promote. Yet, I did exveptional things for them, just because I believed in them. It hurts, I tell you.

Last year, at the very same period, when my partner was at home with her newly born, I had to deal with my mother's cancer, chemo, and surgery, 8 theatre premieres, a huge music hall opening, the biggest club's in athens oppening (3 stages) and the whole organisation of a congress. Me, my assistant and my partner's 20 yo sister who was a part time helper and performed a few basic secreterial tasks. And when my partner returned to work, the first thing she said was...omg...look at this office...you have made a mess...nothing is filed! She did not called me once during the 25 days my mother was at the hospital to ask me if I needed something, even a person to take a smoke break with for 10 mins.

After I leave, all she will be left with is 2 more theatre premieres and an exhibition opening in December.

I fight hard inside me to not tell her these things. After the first argument we had early in the company's life, I told her a few things that bothered me/insulted me/annoyed me/hurted me. She agreed with them at the time, apologised, and said that things will change. But after a few weeks, everything was back where it was. There was a decision I had to make at the tpoint. Argue about the same things over and over again, and have a very unpleasant atmosphere, or accept that she won't change, and get rid of at least the arguments. Plus, at that time, she had her second unsuccesful attempt in in vitro fertilization (is this correct?) and I did not want to rise any more tension. So it was then I decided to shut up for ever.

But I am really not able to sustain for much longer. Yet, sometimes I see no point on saying these things now that I am leaving. And yet, I do not know what to do with all this anger and hurt. I ate through it all last week. And I got back on track with a vengence this week. Which means that I ate an apple for breakfast, an apple and 30 gr of cheese for lunch, another apple for a snack, and then dreamed of greasy food on my way home, got in the kitchen opening cupboards to see what I could make, and ended everyday on fish and salad, or lean meat and salad, or veggie stir fries and a bit of rice. And I would call and ask him to bring home icecream every night. And I would call him back after five minutes, and tell him to not bring icecream home.

My therapist tells me the decision is mine. I can try and supress both my anger and hurt by pushing them down deeper, by "throwing" food in. This way all the hurt and anger will go lower and lower in my body, will hide themselves below my solar plexus and will block my potential once more. Or I can let them out and free my sleep. I just don't know.... What I do know is that the coming week will be a very difficult one.

*********************

On Thursday night Angelos and I had an idea about a rug we had packed in my mom's basement. We both thought it would look great in the kitchen. In Greece we never put wall to wall carpets. Our spring and summer are too hot for this. We use rugs and carpets, we put away during spring, and put back when the weather cools. And the sense of carpets in the house gives such a feeling of warmth. So we went to the basement and what did I see there? The scales! So I stripped, took of my shoes, and got in. 86 kilos. I lost 1.9 kilos in 4 weeks. I do not know how much I gained last week though. But I did gain. I am pleased in the sense that this is the lowest number I have seen in years. And I am more pleased because I did not feel like taking the scales back home.

**********************

I have thought about food a lot lately. Not food I would like to eat. Eating habbits. Nutritional stuff. I read a wonderful post Margaret wrote about how her change in the food she eats and likes now. I read this in many blogs really. I think about it a lot.

I am different. I do not know how to speak about it without sounding a bit like a smart ass.

But I come from a country and culture where what the last decade discovered and called Mediterennean Diet was the way we lived.

This deserves a long post of its own. But for me, reading all these posts about changing eating habbits bring me back to my basic problem with food and dieting. Which is olive oil and portions. You know what I used to binge on? Lightly toasted thick slices of my mother's home baked whole wheat bread smothered in olive oil, salt, fresh grounded pepper, and dry oregano. So healthy. Wanna try to count the points/calories/fat grams/carbs on 5 of these thick slices of the oh so healthy whole wheat home baked bread, the magically good for you olive oil?

I will get to this post soon.

******************

There is also another post that is sitting on my mind for a bit more than a week now. The Thrusday before last I had an appointment for the new job. The managing director of the organisation (female), the PR manager of anotehr organisation (male) with witch we will organise a series of Christmas happenings all around town, and me, as the project implementation manager.

I looked good that day. Professional but feminnine too. Black trousers, with a very thin chain type of belt, fitted white button up shirt, pin striped back jacket, high heeled black shoes. Soft make up, nice straightent sleek hair. At the end of the meeting, I had weird thoughts and feelings. When the guy left, the managing director told me "you had him wrapped around your finger, well done!"

I will tell you this only, and leave the rest for the upcoming post. I realised that day, that if this proposal had come two years ago, or should I say 30 kilos ago, I would not have accepted it. I would have been too scared to be presented to a group of people as their manager. I would constantly think that all they would see when I spoke to them would be an obese woman. Who both looked and felt the part.

Now they will see a work in progress...

**********

Right...its off to the shops now. We need racks and shelves for the basement. Angelos is going to organise the basement today and tidy it up. Then we will go order some fire wood. And tonight we will spend our first evening at home, cuddling in front of the fireplace. We both need this so much.

***********

Oh, and a last question! (God this post is ginormous!!!). I cannot find sour cream in greece. Does any of you know how to make some low fat sour cream? I found a recipe that says to beat a cup of cottage cheese, a cup of ff yoghurt, and a Tsp of lemon. But as I think of it, I am not sure the taste will be similar?

Have a gorgeous weekend my friends. And thank you for helping me so much during this time with your support and comments!

Not only am I running like a headless chicken between office-to-leave and office-to-go, not only have I to learn and absorb 345 bits of new information for 234354 projects running in the organisation, not only have I to give in writting my managerial approach to the President of the organisation (managerial approach?!?! where are my Bus Admin books?!?!?) but my pc at home finally died after 8 years of serving me to the spot without never been updated. Poor bugger, seriously was a museum item. I had gotten him when the first Pendium II were out. A smashing machine at his time. Now? Dead!

So my morning routine changed as of this morning. I cannot make my iced coffee and read blogs and comment and post. Not that I had time to do anything but read blogs lately.

So after the bad eating week things are back on track. Hard, but done. I get cravings for the most bizarre things, things I do not normally eat. Like fried calamari. Or cheese sticks. Or omelletes. I never liked omelletes! I have actually disliked them so much I think I am spelling them wrong!

And cos today I had lots of time in my hands, I walked again. 3.1 km to a metro station and then 1.8 km from the metro station i got out on to the office-to-go. Which felt good. And doable. I have been going there by taxi or taxi and metro. And it has taken me from 40 to 50 minutes. Well, it took me 53 minutes to go there by foot and metro, so if I manage to leave home at 8.45, I will be at work 20 minutes to 10. I was told today I must be at my office a bit later than my team starts work (they start at 9) and not later than 10. I think its a deal.

I have been told so many things about how the rest of the managers act towards their team there that I get a bit more nervous each time. I have managed groups of ppl before. Small ones mainly, but twice, the people under me were a lot more than the team I will have now. But always my approach was the same. After the first couple of weeks (a small testing period) we would all speak on a first name basis. This will not be the case now. The way things are in that organisation is that managers call their team by the first name, whereas the team reffer to the manager as Mr so and Ms so. There are ppl who are as much as 15 years older than me in this team. oi oi oi !

Anyway, I want to let you now cos I got to do some more work, with an amazing combination of two innocent things that together form a great dessert.

Grapes and dry figs. But listen carefully...hehehe. You got to have cool grapes, right off the fridge, and you have to cut the dry figs in small pieces, almost the size of the grape. And you have to put in your mouth a couple of grapes with a small piece of dry fig - please don't laugh Marla - and eat them together. Each way you look at it, texture or taste, it is a very interesting combination.

Talk to you soon I hope :)

...a good eating and exercising day. And I feel on top of the world again! Not that yesterday was perfect. I have experienced this so many times and it never ceases to amaze me. How the first day back on track is always hard. How a week of poor eating creeps on you without realising really. I thought last week that I would not stress about food as I had too many things to stress about anyway. And never it occured to me that I was simply about to break the chain of good habbits once again.

So I ate a few more dry figs than I should last night. But I had a good day overall and I power walked for 30 mins in the treadmill and then did also 7.456 steps in the pedometer the rest of the day, so I am pleased. It was silly I did not have my pedometer on while on the treadmill, but I'm going to put it on now that I will work out again.

I went to bed at 11, and woke up an hour before the alarm went on! 6 am and my eyes were open! Ever since? I have done a load of laundry, I have made breakfast for a very surprised husband to see me up (and functioning!) that early, have kissed him good bye, have put dinner in the oven (yes, back to fish, big red mullets with fresh oregano, garlic, bit of olive oil, and lotsa lemon juice) have gone to the farmer's market, and at almost 9 am now, I am ready to report here, then do the treadmill and shower and go to work.

So dinner last night was really yummy and also very appreciated by my bowels, so here it is, in case you are interested in something totally veggie for a nice cleanising dinner!

a kilo of fresh spinach
arugula
dill
greek wild herb i dunno how its called in english 1
greek wild herb i dunno how its called in english 2
many many shallots chopped finely
120 gr raw bulgur
9 tsp of olive oil
the juice of 2 lemons
lotsa black pepper
salt

Wash and cut the spinach in big pieces with your hands. Put it on a pot with no water and let it simmer so it gets all its liquids out. Add the finely chopped herbs and shallots. Add the olive oil, and about a glass of water. Let it simmer for a little bit, till the spinach is almost ready. Then add the bulgur and when it is almost done, add the lemon juice, the salt, the pepper.

Eat it with a bit of feta on the side or any other cheese you like.

Typical greek recipe is without the greek herbs 1 and 2, and with rice instead of bulgur, and it is called spanakorizo (spinach rice).

I have enough left for a nice 5 point lunch.

Right, I think I will go get the flowers in the vases now. Have I told you about my newly discovered farmer's market in this still new to me neighbourhood? It has a guy that sells flowers so cheap it is really unreal! I spent 15 euros on flowers weekly and with these money I buy:

6 big white star gazer lillies
a bunch of 10 burgundy chrysanthemums
4 bunches of roses (each bunch is 10 roses) in red, orange, yellow and white usually
10 zerberas

A house full of flowers makes my heart sing you know! Right, let's do the flowers, then the treadmill, then the personal beautification process. It is a sunny yet crispy autumny day and I am ready to live it!

Somewhere in my archives there is a post I have been working on for almost a week now, about last week's therapy session. I begun writting it, and while still in the middle I realised it was the longest thing I ever wrote, so I stopped and have tried a few times to summarise things, but the end result is not what I want it to be. If I don't manage to shrink it a bit more, you will have to read the whole novel if you want!

I had a very warm weekend. After a week with too many things in the evenings, we spend a weekend at home doing house things. Last week we had friends over for dinner on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, we went our seperately (boys out, girls out) on Wednesday, and we went to some friends' house on Friday evening too. Although weeks like this are really amusing, they leave us both with a very strong desire to cocoon for the entire weekend!

Plus it was the first real autumny weekend. Windy, cloudy, a bit cold too. On Saturday I spend the morning cleaning the house, then Angelos returned from work and went for a bit of grocery shopping, and then we watched a dvd and napped from 4 in the afternoon till 8 in the evening! We woke up sleepy, and decided to defrost some pork chops, and bbq them along with pitta breads and the feta parcel. Teh feta parcel is aluminum foil, with thick slices of tomatoes, onions, red peppers, feta, garlic, and sweet paprika, left on the higher rank of the bbq to become a decadent melt in your mouth delicacy.

But my honey wanted more. He wanted sweets. So he and I left after I put the chops to defrost, and walked for 40 mins to get to his fav pastry shop and buy his favourite assortment. Eclairs, and similar kinds of greek sweets made of fyllo and cream in different versions.

40 mins after, as we were entering home, he was trying to persuade me to share the sweets with him cos hey, you walked for 80 minutes! lol

Angelos is the person who has helped me most during all these years I have spend to loose the 42 kilos I have lost. However, once in a very long while, he wants me to share food with him. He wants to not feel bad for eating it alone. And I need no better excuse. Shame on me!!!

On Sunday we did the hard job. We folded and put away all summer clothes, and got out all winter clothes. Although I do not weigh much less than May that we put the winter clothes away, the trousers are a bit looser. Must be all the walking I have been doing, along with all the swimming during the summer. However I was shocked with my winter clothes! I was planning to really clean my closet from clothes I do not wear too much. or I dont like too much, and have less items that I wear more often, and a much more well organised closet. In the previous house my closet always looked like a battle field, because it had too many clothes I almost never wore.

I had totally forgotten that I already did this last May. When I was packing everything for the move, and the moment to put away the winter clothes came, I thought back then, and discussed it with Angelos too, that it would be better to do the cleansing before packing the stuff for the new house. I did the same in everything, from pots and plates I did not use to table clothes and sheets. But for some reason I had forgotten I did this with my clothes and Angelos clothes too!!!

And my closet is really empty! I only have 3 skirts, and the one I have bought recently! None of them is suitable for work though. I have enough shirts, but only 4 sweaters, I have plenty of coats but no cardigans, and just one pin stripped jacket. I have two pairs of jeans, one black par of trousers, one brown, and one grey. I really need at least a couple of suits for work, a couple of skirts, and a couple of thin sweaters for the office!

And after our hard work yesterday, which started at 9 am and finished at 4, we went over my gf's who moved on Saturday and helped her shift the furniture to see where to put things better, and then were back home at 9 pm, and angelos wanted to light all the canddles in the house, and burn oils, and open a bottle of white wine, and eat pasta carbonara. Which I made and shared with him.

I feel sick really today. I am sorry to say that all last week I have eaten bad. I have eaten decadent. And I have excused myself with the pety excuse of too much going on during the day so I need to unwind during the evening.

The truth is I am really tired. Both physically and emotionally. I wake up earlier and go to the new job for a couple fo hours in the mornings. Then go to current office and work like mad to finish up my projects and have a very tensed and ugly atmosphere there. She spoke to most of our clients. She had asked me to tell them so herself, and I accepted that. But she was supposed to inform me when she would do it. Well she did not. So people were calling me, asking me how I was, asking me if I had any news, and I replied no, things are like usual. One day someone asked me straight why I am not telling the truth. I got so upset. She has told everyone for a week and had not mentioned anything to me!!!

But another truth is that last Thursday I had an epiphany. I had an appointment with the PR manager of another organisation, with whom we are going to organise a series of Christmas events. My first real appointment in the new job. My first project :)

So when my "boss" introduced me to this man, and he smiled at me and shaked hands. At this very moment I realised that if this offer came to me a couple of years ago, that I was probably 30 kilos heavier than I am today, I would have not accepted it. I would have stayed in my current company. I would be too afraid and too consious of my appearance to make such a change. I would not feel comfortable to enter a room with 8 people and be introduced as their manager. I would be sure that after the meeting they would all gather and ridicule the new fat manager.

So it is time to stop the excuses. And get back to my good eating and exercising. I was supposed to weigh in on the 19th. I am not. Not with the way I have eaten this last week. I will take another week to undo some of the damage I did. So weigh in is on Wednesday October 26.

Now lets get serious and shed some of the newly acquired kilo(s)! There is a plan too!

Daily points: 20
Daily walking: 60 mins (might be all in one of 2 x 30 mins)
Fish 3 times a week
Red meat once a week
seafood once a week
veggie meals the rest of the week.

And because life needs to be enjoyed, I will cook something new every day, and let you know about it too!

Lets have a superb week!!!!

It still amazes me. The reason is really still difficult to understand. All it takes is one day of clean eating, and the next morning I wake up a new person. My face looks better. My stomach feels better. I wake up with energy.

Did you know that when you are asleep and your body has not had the time it requires to properly digest your dinner, it uses all its energy for digestion dropping the cell re-birth and other "maintenance" processes to their minimal capacity? Such a pity for the skin ;) Not to mention liver and kidneys and pangreas!!!

So yesterday we had friends over. For food. And they always expect something kind of fancy. Not rich necessarily, but fancy.

They were on for a surprise. "What's for dinner?" they asked as soon as they got in. "Grilled fish, steamed veggies, and home-baked whole grain bread" I said. "Yeah right" they replied, with that tone that showed they thought I was teasing them.

But as soon as we sat down to eat, and I begun to bring the plates and platters, they all got kind of serious. First came the steamed brocolli and cauliflower with a bit of olive oil and fresh lemon juice. Then the boiled beets. With crushed garlic, olive oil, black pepper, apple vinegar. Then the grilled tuna steaks, with rosemary, oregano, garlic, pink peppercorns, and lemon zest. And then mom's freshly baked whole grain bread.

They seemed disappointed at first. No rich sauces, no side dishes, no fancy stuff at all.

But they all admitted at the end that it is not bad to eat like this. They noticed that their taste buds appreciated the simpler, cleaner tastes. And they asked for more dinners like this!

As far as I am concerned, I never thought there would be a day that I would admit I had missed eating fish!

I will be back tomorrow :)

It is soothing to get supportive comments. And it is very much appreciated.

I am still in this gloomy state. The weekend did not help much, due to the premiere on saturday, and some rehearsal I had to go to on sunday, resulting in seeing her both days.

I do not know why I hurt so much inside. I don't know why I feel so bad. I feel as if I am a bastardious human being who's really betraying someone who has been so very good to me. Which is not the case. Honestly, it is not. But all these ugly feelings are here and I still cannot rationalise them at all.

Surely there is something wrong with me. This has been happening in all seperations in my life. Both personally and professionally. I would not be happy with a relationship/friendship/work and I'd decide to split up/say goodbye/change working place, and suddenly, all the things that till the second before I made my final decision made my life difficult or hurt me or disappoint me would suddenly evaporate, and I would get in a very sad state for leaving the lover/friend/employer. Suddenly all I concentrated at were the good times. No matter how few, it was always the good times that really counted at the end.

Although I have made my decision, I still have second thoughts. Many of them are about delaying getting pregnant for yet another year or so. Some of them are about loosing some of the freedom I have now, concering holidays, taking days off out of the blue. And some of them are about the new position. Since the organisation I am going to work for is a public one, and sincethis position is empty for the last 3 months, many people from the department expected to be promoted to this managerial job. Yesterday I went there I met a couple of them. They did not seem happy to hear I am going to be their new manager. Plus I did not sign my contract either. I had my cv and personal details taken and I was told I will be notified when my contract is ready. I wanted to be done with it yesterday. I get a bit paranoid and wonder if something changes at the last second, and I am left suddenly with no job and no income.

Sunday I ate like a pig. I think I still have the crap I ate in my stomach. I made meatloaf with just spices, lean beef mince, herbs and grated veggies. Really very low point with equal quantity of meaty mince and veggie mince. But then I also made baked sweet and regular potatoes. The greek way. Cut in wedges, with lots of garlic, lemon, oregano, salt, sweet red pepper, and tons of olive oil. And ate so many of them. A whole plate of them. And then we went to the rehearsal. And got upset. Angelos and Elias came with me. So on the way home, I asked them to stop for some ice cream. And we got a kilo consisting with three chocolate flavours: chocolate with espresso, chocolate with cookies, and chocolate with praline. And then Elias said that he has really been craving for the new Phi1adelphia crust pizza from Pizza Hut, since he saw the advertisement. What did you say? Philade1phia crust? Let's order some take away and pick it up on our way home.

And I also got the ladder and took the little box I keep in one of the high closets and got one out of the three joints I keep for special occasions. So I ate 4 pieces of pizza, and 1/3 of the kilo of the icecream. On top of all the potatoes and 2 generous slices of meatloaf I had for lunch. Then I got upset with myself for doing this after being so dilligent with eating since September 19, then realised I did this just a week before I get to weigh in, got more depressed, and ate a few slices of dry pineapple and papaya.

However, on Saturday we did go shopping. And I bought an incredible dress. For work related evening functions. Black, with a very fitted top and a very rich bottom. Very 50's. And I also bought grey woolen shorts that cover the knee. And two shirts, another black one, and a dark hunter's green. The shirts and dress were both size L from Zara. I dunno if you know this store, it is around most of Europe, and has really nice stuff in really good prices. But the sizes are really small. So I saw the dress, fell in love with it, looked for an XL hoping I will fit in, saw none, and got on looking for other stuff. Angelos went and asked a sales girl if there is an XL. And she said no, but is it for the lady? She should try a large!

The dress is really tight. I need to loose at least 3 kilos for it to be perfect, but I wore it on Saturday evening and got a ton of compliments. But the really weird thing were the shorts. Cos they were a size 10. The one and last pair left. Really snugly too, I need to loose weight for them to not be uncomfortable, but I wear them today and I still can breathe!

So yesterday, to cheer me up, I went to Zara again to try more pants and see if I could get a suit. I thought since I managed to squeeze myself in a 10, I could wear easily a 12 or even better 14. Now 14 is their larger size, they start from 4. But I did not fit in no 12 nor 14. So either the cut of these shorts are meant to be extra loose and not fitted like they are on me, or there was the one and only wrong pair of shorts in the whole of Zara!

Anyway, although I have absolutely no wish to do any work at all, there are still things I have to finish here, so I better start. Thank you for staying with me and still come back to read my sagas. I should gather myself back soon.

My days are hard, and my nights are harder. On Thursday afternoon at 5.30 we started a conversation with my partner that lasted till 8.30 in the evening. I struggled to not say things. And I have regretted not telling them. Actually to be honest, the hurt part of me regretted this. The more mature one, the one who initially made the decision to never bring these things up again in order to maintain a pleasant environment, the "friend" part of me who really understood and decided to not create conflict over character traits that simply don't change at the age of 46 hanged on to my decision and simply stayed there listening to all the accusations.

However, ever since I keep having all these "versions" of the conversation playing in my head. What if I told her this, what if I told her that, would she then realised the whole situation for what it really is? And the tapes play as soon as my head hits the pillow. Which keeps me up till 3 or 4 am. Which gets me really tired at 8 am that my alarm rings, and has me in a weak emotional state all day long, resulting in sudden tears falling on my cheeks out of the blue.

Then, the atmosphere at work is not nice either. Heavy, really heavy. And there is going to be another round of not so nice conversation soon, because she wants us to close the company at the end of the year and my accountant told me to close it the moment I go. She needs the extra couple of months to show on the company revenues so she can get a loan to buy a house next year. With the specific profits she wants to show coming in in the last trimester of the year and the salary I will be getting the next two months I will have to pay a lot more taxes on the other hand.

We agreed however that I should be going sooner than original planned. So that means that I can start on my new job on November 1st, which is my nameday :) A fresh start on the start of my favourite month, this can't be wrong!

Tonight we have a theatre permiere and I just cant bring myself to go. Thank God Angelos is coming with me! Though I am not sure I can stop my tears even in front of him.

I am not eating well either. This means I cannot have breakfast, because I wake up with a very heavy head every morning. And then when I am at the office I cannot eat anything, my stomach is tied up the whole time. I feel no hunger and it is difficult to even swallow coffee and water. Then I come back home and after a while I become ravenous. But I cant eat that much cos my stomach is still tied up.

But on Monday bright and early I am going to sign my contract on the new place. Then I will be showing my office, and most probably meet some of my team. I hope this will make me feel better.

The truth is that what has hurt me the most is the reasons she told me I was offered the position for. Lets call the woman who offered me the position G. and my partner E. So these are the resons for the job offer according to E.:

1. G. wanted to make E mad
2. G wanted to make E jealous
3. G wanted me because of my friendship with the minister's wife, so she will have some governmental back up
through me.
4. G wanted to destroy E's company
5. G is using me to get to E
6. Many people have refused this position because they are well aware of what a "whore" G is, so I was her last choise because...well...because I am so naive to accept it.

The possibility of me being actually the right person for this job because of my background both academically - you need a Master degree for this position) and practically - 7 years experience in big productions - did not cross her mind at all.

So now I am going to take my husband (who has been so super sweet all these days, that he went out before I woke up this morning and bought me breakfast from my favourite bakery though I still can't eat it) and go out for a bit of shopping. I will need a whole new wardrobe of things to wear in the new job, like suits and stuff. P.R. in theatres and concerts has a very free dress code, but this is a very "formal" organisation for me to show up with just jeans and a jacket during the first weeks at least!

And I have to tell you that I am having serious scales withdrawls the last couple of days. I can feel a bit of a difference in my clothes and I just NEED to see a good number to cheer me up! I am going to wait till October 19 though!

And last but not least, thank you all for your support these last days. Your comments have brighten up my days and have made me feel less of a bad person!

Have a gorgeous weekend!

I woke up feeling so much better. It took a couple of long phonecalls with close friends, a long chat with my mother, and mainly a very supportive and proud for me husband.

The difficult part was accepting and admitting things I chose not to see, not to admit and not to accept.

Friendship is a "used" words nowadays. I am not sure why we all do this. Why we distinguish friends by adding adjectives to the word. I myself just did it in the beginning of this post. I just realised that I wrote "close friends". My mother was right (ouch it is always hard to admit this ;o) when she used to tell me I had to learn to distinguish between friends and aquintances. I had to learn to distinguish between people I met and had fun with and friends. She used to tell me that friends are the ones for the hard times. I used to tell her shes over cautious.

I met my partner in 1993. She was the PR manager of a local festival, and I was the PR manager of a radio station back then. We did some cooperations, and through them we appreciated each other and became "friends". We would meet twice a year and call each other occasionally through all these years, but each time it will feel as if we were together the day before. As if time has not passed. She called me when her husband asked for a divorce. I called her when I met that woman.

When she proposed to me to start a company together, I hesitated. I told her that we should not mix business with our friendship. She said I was silly. Our first 3 months were fantastic. Then one day, one of her oldest clients called, she picked up the phone, he said hello's and how are you's to her, and then he asked for me. She said puzzled, why do you want Argyro? and he said, I want to talk to her about a project I have thought.

She changed from that moment. What was reffered to as "our company" our clients" "our bank account" suddenly became "my company" "my clients" "my bank account". I had a long talk with her and I realised she did not even acknowledge it. What we do not acknowledge we cannot change. So I took then a very conscious decision to let her be the "boss". Because of the madness of the business we are and the people we deal with daily, and between constant arguments arising from silly power games and a low profile, I chosed the latter.

After all she was my friend. She was 10 older, had the business longer, is a woman who has fought all her life to reach her current business status, a woman I admired, and she felt threatened from the youngster coming in. Understandable.

Things got great and we finally had a pleasant working environment and a renewed sense of being a team.

Then she left to give birth and was away for 3 months. Same three months my mother went through chemo etc. So when she came back to the office, she got all these compliments from clients about how hard I worked, how well I dealt with things, etc. And the power game begun again. However because I did not follow it, it stopped sooner than before.

I did not expect her to be happy for me. I expected her to tell me that we are so busy it is impossible for me to let her in such a busy season. In the meantime, on Monday evening I met the woman who offered me the position, and worked out with her ways to keep my company too. I was ready to give my partner an alternative. I would stay here till Nov. 15, when all our theatres would have finished their openings, in the meantime we would hire another assistant. I would train her. She would get paid out of my profit share and not the company's expenses budget. The remaining of my share would go to my partner. I would not get paid any share unless things got a lot better financially. After all I was going to get a good salary. I had dreams about me getting tons of new connections in the new position
and sending tons of projects "our" way. I had dreams about helping our existing clients do more productions through this organisation.

I never got the chance to tell her any of this.

The woman who offered me the position, had offered a similar one to my partner a year and a half ago, when she was in the middle of her pregnancy. She accepted the position and just came and announced it to me. However, there was a personal conflict between the two women and at the end the offer was taken back.

Apparently her hatred towards that woman is a lot more important and strong than any friendship she had for me. Otherwise her last words would not have been "I have been always a lady. Now you will go work for a whore".

Accepting and admitting all these were hard. Really very hard. Because twice during the last year and a half I have been offered a very good position in one of the ministries of greece as the minister's PR consultant. The minister is married to my oldest friend and I know and have been friends with for more than 10 years. He offered me the position once, I declined immediately. He asked me a second time telling me he needs me as someone he can trust. I declined again. Neither my gf nor her husband told me that our personal relationship will never be the same. Mind you, the money were better than what I have been offered now. And I told my partner both times. I told her I would not go somewhere to do alone the same job we were doing together. And this is also the reason I gave to my friends when I declined the offers.

I am really getting this new job because it involves production and production is what I am superb at and production is also a job that makes my heart really sing. I have done this for more than half my professional life and this is perhaps the greater opportunity I will ever get to re-enter this field. I told my partner this yesterday. I told her I declined my best friend's offer twice. An offer with lotsa zeros in the annual paycheck. If she cannot understand it is fields I am changing and not persons to work with, it is not my problem.

And I decided that should she comes for a second discussion, I will not tell her all the plans I made the night before so we could stay together. Because what one can not acknowledge one cannot understand nor change. And it will sound as if I was making excuses for myself to show I am nice and think of her. I have nothing to apologise for. Because in my decision process her well being took a major factor. Till yesterday.

And yes, there is still sadness inside my heart. But now there is also anger. Which is healthier. And there is also slowly appearing joy for the new opportunity, the new start.

Thank you so much for the supportive comments you left yesterday. You made my morning black coffee extremely sweet :)

This is one post that is written for my own peace of mind. Or lack of actually. I know you will all be sweet and leave me words of care and support, but the truth is that I feel so bad right now, that I have no idea what could lift me up emotionally.

I took the decision to discuss the job offer with my partner and be honest with her. Tell her that this job is so attractive to me because of its nature, having to do with production, and not because of the whole package, which is not something trivial either. I wanted to tell her that I made arrangements with the other woman in case I accept her offer to be able and do some work for our company although in the other office. Till she finds a solution, assistant or new partner. Without any money of course.

I had no chance to say this. Because as soon as I told her that I had an offer from this particular person, her face changed, her voice changed, and what she said was "If you decide to go and work for her, our personal relationship will never be the same".

I am really very hurt, hurt beyond words actually.

Anyway, I have been staring at the screen for 30 minutes now and still I cant word my feelings.

I got lots of spam comments, and I turned on the word verification thingy. Excuse me for any inconvenience this might cause you.

Soon..