The gorgeous Beckie left a comment that really brought a sea of tears. Now you have to know that this was not something that took a lot for me to happen. I would see something, listen to something, smell something, taste something, touch something, think of something, and tears would fall effortlessly. Beckie said that this is my journal and that I should be back posting my thoughts, since many people were willing to hold my hand.
The truth is that I am really amazed with how many people willing to do just that I have in my life. People to take me out to dinner, have me in their homes, cook and try to make me eat (!), take me shopping, book appointments to the hairdresser and come at my house and make me go there, give me vitamins and other supplements, take me to massages, reiki masters, energy cleaners, walk with me in the beach with heavy pouring rain, take me on long drives with no words spoken, cope with me being around for three or four hours without saying a word.
This is mostly what I have been doing for 61 days. Yes, the one month initially asked for became 61 days.
But what I have not done during this time, is talk a lot about it. You see, when I talk, I say it all. I'm this kind of person that once her mouth is open and functioning, things will eventually get out. And I did not want to do this. Because I was upset. And angry. And disappointed. And hurt. And sad. And this combination would have worded things that were not fair.
His whole attitude was not fair.
But for some reason, I could understand. Not theoretically or magnanimously understand. Deeply understand. I just knew how someone whom you thought loved you unconditionally can make you grow apart. I just knew how you can still love someone and yet feel trapped for a long time in their worst behaviour. How you can want to let go and try something different. I just knew how fed up yoou can be from everyday struggles, how there are people who sense this and offer you themselves as your solution. I have been both the "victimizer" and the "victim" and I know.
I am really not too fond of these people by the way. The end does not always justify the means. You allow yourself to fall in love with a married person. You know from the first time you meet them. You see their wedding ring. I am not sure what really makes someone to decide to destroy something and built on those ashes. But still...
Angelos and I went through a lot after that Sunday on October 15. That date went OK. Then next Saturday was horrible. Then the Sunday after was magical. We went to see Duran Duran and it brought out all our youth memories. Then the next week was disasterous. Then last Friday I sent him 18 white roses and a red one in the middle. For the 18 years we have had, and the 19th I was hoping to enter with him.
He just called and said thank you. I knew then that this was the end.
And then last Saturday, we spent an hour and a half on the phone, talking, yelling, crying, talking some more. Both of us. I have seen my husband cry more in the last 6 weeks than I have seen him in the past 18 years. Me? My friends tell me the weight I have lost consists solely from tears! At the end of this long phone call I told him that the real risk in life is not how faster you can drive, how taller you can jump, how deeper you can dive. I told him that the real dive is not on the 30 meters depth of the ocean that gives him such a thrill. The real dive is inside his heart. If he ever manages to dive into his feelings, if he wants to take the risk of aknowledging, forgiving, and forgetting, he knew where to find me.
An hour later he called me again. "I am in the front door", he said. Can I come upstairs?" And when he came home he asked if he could spend the night. And we woke up on Sunday and we took each moment as it came. I was running our of fire wood and asked me if I wanted to go and stock up. Then he asked me if I wanted to cook or have lunch out. Then we returned my DVD's and asked me if I wanted to rent one for the evening. Then he asked me if I minded if he stayed and wached it with me. Then he went on the spare room, where I had gotten all his winter clothes out but had left them in boxes and had not put them in his closets, and told me that he would pick something to wear tomorrow. He then went and took a bath. On Monday morning he called me and said that he would see me in the evening. And as I was cooking dinner last night, I heard his keys in the door for the first time in 2 months.
This morning, I asked him...are you here to stay? And he said, yes, I think I finally am.
I know that he had a difficult decision to make. I know that inside him he will mourn for sometime for what he left behind. Not the woman herself really. But this elevating feeling of the new sensations, this return to teenagehood, the younger woman who looked at him as if he was her mentor.
My husband and I are even. Not even in a revengeful way. No. Not at all.
We are even in really getting into each other's shoes.
Now I can forget myself for my affair. Because I was able to forget him for his. I have been carrying this little baggage with me since it happened. And he will be able to frgive himself soon. Because he was able to forgive me back then.
I really want our marriage to work out. And I know I have to do most of the work. I wish it was the other way around. But I am the woman. I have spent the years in the therapist's armchair. I have the deeper understanding. So I have to do the work. And as soon as I lay the ground, he has to walk on it. And if we manage to do this, we will spend the rest of our lives walking down the same path. If we don't, then perhaps we should both aknowledge the limitations and take the joint decision of letting go.
I will be back blogging soon.
Now it is time to process all these feelings I had. All the things I did.
Now it is time to lose the rest of the weight. It's not much left really. Amazingly, I weigh 81.2. I actually saw 79.9 last week, but he wanted pizza and ice cream on Saturday night ;)
Who would have thought that at the beginning of the winter of 2006, I would have lost and gained a husband, lost 11 kilos, gained knowledge of myself 5 years in the therapist never gave me, lost my centre and my world, gained a new appreciation of all the given things that we consider for granted.
The most difficult thing was to come home at night and find the place in perfect silence, stillness, and darkness.
Do this for me.
When you go home tonight, and you open the door and you see your spouse, roomate, sister, mother, boyfriend, dog, hug them tight and tell them how wonderful it is to go home to them every day. Don't wait till you almost lose it to appreciate it.
Oh...and another favour. Cos Im greek and prejudiced and although I so wanted to post this this morning, Im still afraid I will jinx myself. So if you know any good un-jinxing spells and vibes, do send them our way.
I know you were thinking of me. I felt your concern and I am really warm inside each and evry time I think of you.