Tuesday, November 07, 2006
On losses and gains
The gorgeous Beckie left a comment that really brought a sea of tears. Now you have to know that this was not something that took a lot for me to happen. I would see something, listen to something, smell something, taste something, touch something, think of something, and tears would fall effortlessly. Beckie said that this is my journal and that I should be back posting my thoughts, since many people were willing to hold my hand.

The truth is that I am really amazed with how many people willing to do just that I have in my life. People to take me out to dinner, have me in their homes, cook and try to make me eat (!), take me shopping, book appointments to the hairdresser and come at my house and make me go there, give me vitamins and other supplements, take me to massages, reiki masters, energy cleaners, walk with me in the beach with heavy pouring rain, take me on long drives with no words spoken, cope with me being around for three or four hours without saying a word.

This is mostly what I have been doing for 61 days. Yes, the one month initially asked for became 61 days.

But what I have not done during this time, is talk a lot about it. You see, when I talk, I say it all. I'm this kind of person that once her mouth is open and functioning, things will eventually get out. And I did not want to do this. Because I was upset. And angry. And disappointed. And hurt. And sad. And this combination would have worded things that were not fair.

His whole attitude was not fair.

But for some reason, I could understand. Not theoretically or magnanimously understand. Deeply understand. I just knew how someone whom you thought loved you unconditionally can make you grow apart. I just knew how you can still love someone and yet feel trapped for a long time in their worst behaviour. How you can want to let go and try something different. I just knew how fed up yoou can be from everyday struggles, how there are people who sense this and offer you themselves as your solution. I have been both the "victimizer" and the "victim" and I know.

I am really not too fond of these people by the way. The end does not always justify the means. You allow yourself to fall in love with a married person. You know from the first time you meet them. You see their wedding ring. I am not sure what really makes someone to decide to destroy something and built on those ashes. But still...

Angelos and I went through a lot after that Sunday on October 15. That date went OK. Then next Saturday was horrible. Then the Sunday after was magical. We went to see Duran Duran and it brought out all our youth memories. Then the next week was disasterous. Then last Friday I sent him 18 white roses and a red one in the middle. For the 18 years we have had, and the 19th I was hoping to enter with him.

He just called and said thank you. I knew then that this was the end.

And then last Saturday, we spent an hour and a half on the phone, talking, yelling, crying, talking some more. Both of us. I have seen my husband cry more in the last 6 weeks than I have seen him in the past 18 years. Me? My friends tell me the weight I have lost consists solely from tears! At the end of this long phone call I told him that the real risk in life is not how faster you can drive, how taller you can jump, how deeper you can dive. I told him that the real dive is not on the 30 meters depth of the ocean that gives him such a thrill. The real dive is inside his heart. If he ever manages to dive into his feelings, if he wants to take the risk of aknowledging, forgiving, and forgetting, he knew where to find me.

An hour later he called me again. "I am in the front door", he said. Can I come upstairs?" And when he came home he asked if he could spend the night. And we woke up on Sunday and we took each moment as it came. I was running our of fire wood and asked me if I wanted to go and stock up. Then he asked me if I wanted to cook or have lunch out. Then we returned my DVD's and asked me if I wanted to rent one for the evening. Then he asked me if I minded if he stayed and wached it with me. Then he went on the spare room, where I had gotten all his winter clothes out but had left them in boxes and had not put them in his closets, and told me that he would pick something to wear tomorrow. He then went and took a bath. On Monday morning he called me and said that he would see me in the evening. And as I was cooking dinner last night, I heard his keys in the door for the first time in 2 months.

This morning, I asked him...are you here to stay? And he said, yes, I think I finally am.

I know that he had a difficult decision to make. I know that inside him he will mourn for sometime for what he left behind. Not the woman herself really. But this elevating feeling of the new sensations, this return to teenagehood, the younger woman who looked at him as if he was her mentor.

My husband and I are even. Not even in a revengeful way. No. Not at all.

We are even in really getting into each other's shoes.

Now I can forget myself for my affair. Because I was able to forget him for his. I have been carrying this little baggage with me since it happened. And he will be able to frgive himself soon. Because he was able to forgive me back then.

I really want our marriage to work out. And I know I have to do most of the work. I wish it was the other way around. But I am the woman. I have spent the years in the therapist's armchair. I have the deeper understanding. So I have to do the work. And as soon as I lay the ground, he has to walk on it. And if we manage to do this, we will spend the rest of our lives walking down the same path. If we don't, then perhaps we should both aknowledge the limitations and take the joint decision of letting go.

I will be back blogging soon.

Now it is time to process all these feelings I had. All the things I did.

Now it is time to lose the rest of the weight. It's not much left really. Amazingly, I weigh 81.2. I actually saw 79.9 last week, but he wanted pizza and ice cream on Saturday night ;)

Who would have thought that at the beginning of the winter of 2006, I would have lost and gained a husband, lost 11 kilos, gained knowledge of myself 5 years in the therapist never gave me, lost my centre and my world, gained a new appreciation of all the given things that we consider for granted.

The most difficult thing was to come home at night and find the place in perfect silence, stillness, and darkness.

Do this for me.

When you go home tonight, and you open the door and you see your spouse, roomate, sister, mother, boyfriend, dog, hug them tight and tell them how wonderful it is to go home to them every day. Don't wait till you almost lose it to appreciate it.

Oh...and another favour. Cos Im greek and prejudiced and although I so wanted to post this this morning, Im still afraid I will jinx myself. So if you know any good un-jinxing spells and vibes, do send them our way.

I know you were thinking of me. I felt your concern and I am really warm inside each and evry time I think of you.

Soon....

Posted by Argy at 8:10 am
27 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just say, you are so wise Argy!!

Im so happy for you that Angelos is back home.

xxx

9:30 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are back together. And back blogging, I have missed you so much!
Take care of each other

11:51 am

 
Anonymous dg said...

argy argy argy... wow, what a time you have been through. i am glad you found him again xxox

5:23 pm

 
Anonymous Lynne in Memphis said...

Best wishes. Missed you.

8:45 pm

 
Blogger linda said...

Argy - I'm happy he is home.. I am touching wood, 'spitting' and doing all those greek unjinxy things for you. Take care xx

1:45 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have missed you Argy. I think of you often and wonder...

I truly hope this all works out for you. You both have so much love for each other, and working through this will make you stronger than ever before. You're so strong. Thanks for sharing all your thoughts with us.

xx

3:52 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Argy, un-jinxing vibes being sent from California by way of New York. Best of luck. Glad you are posting again.

Nicole

3:57 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh, I have tingles running all over from such a deep and honest post Argy. I wish you both the very best! I will go home tonight and give my partner a big old hug to remind both of us how much we mean to eachother, thank you.

Jinxes? I always find a little meditation always helps, surrounding yourself mentally with a white bubble or your favourite colour which keeps you warm and safe :-)

x

6:23 am

 
Blogger LisaB said...

Argy :)
So glad to see things are looking more positive for you...I hope you get to where you both want to go.
sending you good thoughts.xxxx

10:06 am

 
Blogger kathrynoh said...

I am so glad to hear that things have worked out. Your future will be all the stronger for what you've been through :)

10:47 am

 
Blogger kimba said...

Ah Argy, you know how I feel about this :) so all I will say is I'm really glad that you were able to get to this place, and I hope that you DO continue to walk the same path for the rest of your lives.

love and light
Kimba :)

11:18 am

 
Blogger Lynda said...

Oh Argy... that was absolutely beautiful. I am sending all the very best vibes I can from New Zealand. I so hope this will work for you two now. I felt such joy reading how he finally came home to you. *hugs*

11:29 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow deep post. Lots of good vibes. Thanks Argy for sharing, and good luck to both of you on your journey XOX

5:05 pm

 
Anonymous Trish said...

Very deep post, thank you. I am glad your husband decided to take the journey with you and hope that you stay on this path together forever.

Big hugs.

8:12 pm

 
Anonymous Darcia said...

This post has touched my heart. May God bless you both, and strengthen and bless your marriage. So beautiful to acknowledge our limitations, and that we can always improve upon our past performance. P.S - have been a "lurker" for a long time, and was hoping for a happy ending to this chapter in your life.

9:17 pm

 
Blogger totegirl said...

I lost track of you and came back to find out all this. My heart was broken, but now it sings for you Argy.

1:08 am

 
Blogger Beckie said...

My tears are dropping onto my shirt in big fat droplets.

Argy, the line you wrote about hearing his keys in the door had/ has me sobbing.

You both will be tender for a long time and I wish, from the bottom of my heart, for loving, healing feelings and a new chapter for you both.

I can sense you are tired of crying, weary or being alone and desperate for your love to grow to it's former glory and yet-to-be-experienced-depths.

I've missed you.

All my love and warm fuzzy feelings,
Beckie

p.s. the comment you left for Bradman was beautiful. Thank you.xoxox

1:07 pm

 
Blogger M@rla said...

Darling darling Argie, I am so glad you posted. I check back time and again and worry about you.

I'm sorry for all you have been through, and so much yet to come, and so happy Angelos is back. I will make every spell and charm for you that I can think of!

You are not the first person I've heard say that the weight was all the unshed tears. It is making me wonder...

7:17 pm

 
Blogger Denise said...

I am not glad that you had to cry, but I'm so glad that the tears came out and that you're moving through things together. I'm sending you healing thoughts, dear friend, and am sitting here tearing up with the joy of having you "back".

4:07 am

 
Anonymous Chris H said...

I was so relieved to see your latest post, and happy that you two are together again. May it be smooth sailing from here on in, and good luck and wishes from this New Zealand blogger.

7:37 am

 
Blogger ms ralph said...

Sweetheart, You have no idea how much this has touched me.
I miss you so much! please write to me.

11:45 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Argy - I am so glad to see you back posting. I know you are going through so much, and it's so tenuous and tender right now. Sending you love, healing, renewal thoughts.

2:06 am

 
Blogger Shrinking Girl said...

I am so happy to hear that you two are back together again my dear. I hope you can feel the sunny, warm, healing vibes that I'm sending you...take care.

7:18 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is great to hear from you that the people who want to lose weight must keep patience. If you are looking for some kind of motivation you required to keep on loosing weight then my fast weight loss can help you to great extent.

9:12 am

 
Blogger Lee said...

Argy - that was such a touching post that had me in tears. I am so happy for you.

Mum had a heart attack at the beginning of the year, and I know exactly what you mean about taking things for granted.

You write so beautifully. And I'll say it again, I'm so happy for you.

Lee xo

12:39 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, this is going to sound a bit strange but if you are looking for unjinxing here's an interesting thing to try. Get a lemon. Cut it in half. Focus on putting all the negative energy into those cut halves. Then cover both cut halves with salt. Leave the lemon around for a few days. If it dries out then you can throw it away. If it gets moldy then you should do it again. I am not sure why this works but it does.

Best of luck to you and your relationship. I think learning to work through hurt and pain and keep what is real and abiding is the truest work of being human.

1:15 am

 
Blogger M said...

I have just given Mark and extra long hug (he has been away for over a week) and given the boys a smoochy kiss (they didn't like that very much!) But I like to show my love and to ensure they understand I never take them forgranted.

Thank you for your post. I hope your path continues to get stronger together. Marriage is always a 'work in progress' and sometimes the work is a little rough and most of the time it is a joy.

I wish you more years of joy and only a little of the rough to wake you up from time to time.

I will talk to you soon.
Love M xx

11:12 am

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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