Lynda left a comment on my blog today. And she gave me the idea of today's post. My good ole story! At the end of her comment she said that I sound such a happy person. Truth is I am. Most of the time. But I have honestly worked very hard for it.

I had a good childhood. I had a good teenagehood. As a child I was skinny, but as a teenager I was not. But I was not really fat, though I had discovered comfort food. However, because I was dancing at the time (I was going to ballet classes since I was 4) I was what someone could call "pleasantly rounded". I had an accident when I was 18 and I had to stay in bed for months and months. I started gaining weight. To cut the long story short, I have gained and lost the same 30 to 50 kilos 3 times in my life. The last time I was really slim was 1997, the year I got married. I was 67 kgs, and I didn't look skinny, but oh so pleasantly rounded again. I started gaining weight in 2000. Slowly at first. A couple of kilos, then 4, then I started moving a little, and then I met a new girlfriend. She was an homosexual woman. We instantly clicked and became best friends. My husband was working a lot at the time. He would leave home at 6 am and come back at 10 in the evening, eat, and sleep. He was relieved I had found a new girlfriend to keep me entertained. I grew fonder and fonder of her.

Again, to cut the long story short, I fell in love with her. It was so strange to me, because I had never feelings for women. Nor have I ever had again after her. We became a couple. I left home, moved in with her, spend 2 wonderful months together, and then things became ugly. With her, and with my family. Although I had asked for a divorce, my husband asked me to give us another try. So I went back home, with my self esteem down the drain, my heart broken, my guilt built to its highest levels, and tons of disgust for myself.

I returned to the low feelings I had at childhood. Only I never realised them back then. I was the first child in my family. I have had a great childhood from two loving parents that did the best they could. I was the queen of the world till my little bro came. Then I went to school. I was such a great student, that I was once again the queen and I started blooming! In the meantime, I made peace inside me with my brother's existence, and realised that I loved him so much. (My brother is now my best friend and has honoured me with a wonderful niece and a gorgeous nephew :)

Before he went to school all family friends and relatives had been telling him that he better be as good as I was when he starts school. So he suddenly became dyslectic. He was repeating letters or whole syllables when talking. My parents took him to a child therapist and he told them that they should make him feel special by turning all their attention to him. He even called me for a session and told me that my parents love me too much and that aint too nice for my little brother, so although they will go on loving me, they should not show it to me as much, so that my brother will be cured. I was six, and my mom still is afraid to give me his address cos she knows I WILL go bomb his place!!!

Anyway, apparently back then I had formed a belief. When I was wonderful and my parents loved and admired me, when I was doing wonderfully at school and my teachers and all appraised me, I was harming my brother, resulting in making my parents sad. In fewer words. My being wonderful should be camouflaged cos it had a bad effect on people I loved.

So when I returned home to my husband, I felt I was such a bad person, that I went into a depression, that would only go away with food. I would go to work, return, and eat, and eat, and eat. At the end of this circle, I weighted at 130 kilos. I had gain 60 kilos in about a year.

Luckily, in the middle of this period, I begun to see a Somatic Phychotherapist. Every day when I wake up, I remind myself to build this man a statue!

I went deep inside me. After tons of garbage I slowly begun to like what I saw. I came into peace with the forever existing issues between mothers and daughters and fathers and daughters and sisters and brothers. I begun to form a very close relationship with my body. I begun to learn how to stop thinking and begin feeling. My entire world changed. My priorities in life changed. I used to believe that work came first, then me, then the rest. Now, my husband, family, friends and myself come first. Work is just the means to pay the bills and the occasional shopping spree. As a young woman, I had developed a concrete theory about not wanting to have children. Ever. I actually believed that noone should have, till we run out of orphans in this world. See, I had to be nice and think globally so that people wouldn't think I am a selfish bitch who wants to do as she wants when she wants and that's why she didn't want to have kids. Big fat bullshit. I was scared to death. I was feeling incompetent. I was feeling unstable. And I was a selfish bitch!

(I am still spending 50 minutes a week in my therapist's place. I feel I still have a long way to go. I want to be as clean as possible from the past before I become a mother. I suspect that the remaining of the road will be more roses than thorns. We will see...)

Through all this roughness, my wonderful husband stood by my side. I was fat and ugly and he would tell me how sexy my ass was. I would get mad at him and scream and yell and call him a liar. He meant it. I am blessed with a man who loved me equally fat or thin, nice or disgusting. Now I can appreciate it. Before I was not able to really admit anything as deeply nice as this.

Anyway, somewhere in 2001 I saw a dietician. Ever since, I have been loosing weight. I have tried different metthods because I like diversity and get easily bored. From that strict dietician, I moved to WW and in March to a holistic doctor. Currently I am following his basic directions and sort of maintaining, but I am seriously considering WW again, because I need some "fun discipline" and toying with the points was that for me. I have periods of non dieting and regaining some back, I have periods of brilliantly dieting and dropping the kilos like a star, and I have periods of learning to maintain.

I fell in love with my husband all over again - we first got together when I was 20 years old - and we are both working on our marriage every single day. We learned that a marriage is a full time job and needs constant commitment. We learned it the hard way and we appreciate it more cos of that. In September my business partner will give birth to her son and after October 10, when I finish with this big congress I am organising, we will start trying to have our baby.

If someone told me 3 years ago that on June 25 2004 I would feel the way I feel, I would believe the things I believe, and that I would be who I am, I would have laughed at their face. Hard. Unkindly.

I am no more afraid or ashamed to feel proud of myself about my achievements. I am no longer feeling guilty for my doings. I honestly regreted what I had to regret. I sincerely apologised to whom I needed to apologised. I am no longer avoiding compliments. I know I will loose the remaining 20 something kilos. In 6 months or 16. I don't care. I know for sure that I will not gain the 40 I lost through out these 3 years. NEVER AGAIN!

I also know, and I let you know too, so you won't form the wrong impression for me, that I am weak. I have ups and downs. I have wonderful days and mediocre days and bad days too. I have mornings that I wake up and feel refreshed and have a great work out on the treadmill, and a fantastic day at work, and eat brilliantly, and have extrasupergreat sex and feel that on top of the world and know, really know that there is nothing better in life than life itself! And then, I have a long working week with tons of crisis and fights with my business partner, and I want to kill my assistant, and eat poorly, and miss a couple of days on the treadmill and feel bad and disappointed of myself, and my husband comes home late from work and I whine and get grumpy and refuse his hugs because all I want is to be left alone and whine and whine and whine. After all I have had 32 years to built my world, and less than 3 to "renovate", so I still have to get used to the newly formed habits of living. But I know, and you should also know, that I am not giving up on me. Because I have learned, the hard way again, that giving up on me, is giving up on the gift of life. And this is an insult. And of all the things I have done in life, insulting life is something I shall never do again.

P.S. Through the last couple of years or less, I have been reading so many diet blogs. To some of these wonderful women out here, I have sent emails with parts of my "how I became an elephant" story. This is almost the whole thing. Almost. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Believe it or not, they were all related!

The Weekend: By definition, it is time to us. It is time to do what we don’t get the chance to do during our working week. Even if it is laundry, it means that though tired at the end, we will be happier because all our clothes will be wearable during the week! This weekend was fun for me. Beautiful places, beautiful weather, beautiful people. Beautiful food too! Grilled goodies, such as fish and meat and veggies and pita breads and seafood. Iced goodies, such as fresh fruit juices, iced teas, iced coffees, ice creams. Which leads us to …

The Red Notebook: It worked partly. Because each time I wanted to have something I should not, I wrote down the reason. Usually it was because I was in a great mood. I was content, I felt beautiful, I felt “normal”. I did not feel the “fat” one. Not because I was not. I was the heaviest of all in the group. But I really felt equal to them. I do not know the reason. So when someone suggested a beer, I would drink a beer if I felt like having one. So conclusion number one says that I tend to overeat when I am either in a very bad or very good mood. In the first instance I have a gap to fill, in the second I loosen up enough to feel “normal” and loose my control. (parenthesis: where we went it was a big beach, and an all day long beach bar where we had breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks, coffees, everything, so we went nowhere else besides our room). If it was during between 10 am and sunset, and I caught myself wanting something “naughty” to eat or drink, I would write it down, write why, and then hurry to my beach umbrella (is it correct English? The huge umbrellas you have in the beach so you sort of get protection from too much sun?). I would then apply the solution for my craving:

The suntan lotion: Yes. It is correct English this time. Because each time I felt I was ready to eat or drink “bad” stuff, I returned to the beach and applied suntan lotion. I enjoyed how much better my skin felt. I appreciated how smaller my thighs felt. I laughed because of the smaller quantity of the lotion it requires now to cover my body compared to 40 kilos ago. Then I went in the water. And I cherished the feel of the sea. I felt proud because I could swim faster and longer. My husband laughed all the time, because in the middle of a conversation while someone was ordering a banana split, I would get up and run to our umbrella, as if I was hit by a bee! But then the sun set and it was time to get back to our room, and shower and get ready for the evening. We then returned to the beach bar – café – tavern – grill – pastry house, met the beautiful people, sat all together and someone suggested ordering a round of frozen margaritas. It was then the first problems started. Because there was no way I would run in my umbrella and apply sun tan lotion! And because I’m a sucker for margaritas! Quick thoughts quick thoughts! Red notebook! Alcohol calories! Fun! Feeling content! But oh the weight gain! If we start at 10 p.m. with margaritas, then we will go on with wine, and then food and then desert, and oh my god! What if we move to tequila shots after? What will I do?! I was writing all this in my little red book when the decision came all by itself – or at least it felt this way: Drink, eat, enjoy and then … do a lot of Strenuous Exercise! Which leads us to ….

Sex: I had such an evening! I felt so good about the decision to go with the beautiful peoples’ flow, that I drunk 4 margaritas, 3 glasses of wine, and 6 tequila shots. We ate grilled fish and shrimps and salads. I shared a frozen tiramisu with another woman. And we danced the night away! And this wonderful day left us all relaxed and happy. And that entire dance left me and my husband in a very sexy mood. Which made us have sex till dawn! I slept for a few hours, then woke up, had a fruit ‘n’ yoghurt smoothie for breakfast, swam a lot, did the run-to-the-umbrella-and-put-on-sun-tan-lotion trick, had a huge salad with a little fish for lunch, and luckily, when the sun set, we left!

On Monday I hopped on the scales and I was 89.9. I gained 100 grms during the weekend. And I promise you. With what I drunk and ate, it should have been more than a whole kilo! But the great weekend, the little red notebook, the sun tan lotion, and the few extra rounds of sex did the job!

I concluded that once in a little while, it is worth going overboard. All it needs is a sort of “crisis management” and the right scheme to go with it. Eat more, move more. Enjoy the occasional splurge but take action towards it not being harmful, to both my weight loss efforts and mainly to my mood. I don’t need guilt. I had tons of it. It didn’t lead me anywhere nice. Plus I feel that when I have a “normal” person’s weekend, it sort of teaches me about maintaining. And for me, someone who has lost and re-gain 30 to 50 kilos 3 times in her life (and I am not counting the lose 5 to 10 regain 5 to 10) learning to maintain is precious.

That was my weekend. I was too busy at work to post before. And I had some time this morning so here I am all wordy, lol! I am still doing my 30 to 40 mins in the treadmill every day. I am thinking of re-joining WW for the summer. I feel I need some more discipline. I will think about it some more. Probably in-between my trips to the umbrella during this weekend. We will visit my parents at their summer house. And go to a wedding on Sunday. I will see you all tomorrow. Cheers for now

P.S. That was a looooooooong post!

And not just any Friday!

The Friday before my beach weekend!!! I am sooooooo excited!!! I got tons of work to do here before I go, then I have an appointment with the dress maker for the dress I am making, then I got to go buy sun tan stuff, then I got to go say bye to my parents who are leaving for holidays, then I have to meet 2 friends and my husband for dinner, then I have to pack my little bag, then I have to sleep, then I have to wake up, and guess what!!! Then, there is NOTHING I HAVE TO do!!!!

I will do everything I like, when I want it, if I want it!!! For two days!!! In the sun!!!

I cannot wait, I promise you.

My husband, me, and my red notebook are already ready to go :o)

See you Monday!!!

It was very warm last night. I think it was the first really warm and humid night for this summer. You know, one of these nights when you don't want to sleep, you don't want to talk, you just want to sit in the balcony and breathe, and feel all the sensations summer nights bring: The joy of a sudden cool breeze, the smells of jasmine and basil, the quietness of the city, the clear sky full of stars, the anticipation of the holidays by the sea.

This is exactly what I did last night. I sat by myself in the balcony and breathed. Long deep breaths that relaxed me. Got me all mellow and calm. And then, I thought of something.

In all the weight loss journals and blogs I read, there is always the issue of weekends. In my own long experience of dieting, there is always the issue of weekends.

We all have perfect weeks. That unfortunately last Friday night. Or Saturday night. Or at its best, Sunday morning. We all tend to go overboard at some point during the weekend. Why?

I asked myself this question. I could not reply it immediately. So I asked myself another question.

What has food been for me?

Food has been comfort. Food has been a way of venting. Food has been filling emotional gaps. Food has been entertaining my boredom. Food has been covering my anger. Food has been an outlet. Food has been relaxing. Food has been fun. Food has been involved with most fun things in my life: dinners with friends, celebrations, holidays, vacations.

And weekends are for venting after a hard working week. Weekends fill the gaps caused in my emotional needs by a hectic week, because weekends give me more time with my husband and friends and family. Weekends are comfortable. Weekends are entertaining. Weekends sometimes make me peculiarly angry because they last so little. Weekends are fun because we go out, have friends over for dinner, and enjoy our time.

So weekends tend to be food!!!

Now if only I was able to separate those two! But I am hopeful. Now that I cleared this in my head, now that I found some kind of relation to them, I am hopeful.

So I will challenge myself this weekend. And you will be my witnesses.

My husband and I will go away to a small village by the sea, a couple of hours drive from Athens. This is my challenge:

Take my little red notebook with me, and write down all the times I feel like eating something I should not, and why I want it. See what are the specific situations I feel like going overboard.

You think it will work?

So I won't have to work anymore! You know on Monday I slept from 6 am to 8 am on my office sofa! I was working from 10.30 in the morning till 6am! I also worked all Saturday and a few hours on Sunday too! And I am not rich either!!!

So if I can't win the Lotto - since I am not playing anyhow - can I get a nice job that won't have me slaving over maniacs and preferably somewhere else please? A nice 8 hr job with a bit of an overtime - so I keep my workaholic nature satisfied - that will pay me nice and give me normal holidays, leaves, sick days and all?

When I was offered this partnership, 2 years ago, I was thinking that having my own company with a partner would make me the boss. That it would give me freedom to come and go. HA! I was tricked by the bosses I used to have! They were either working for a bigger boss, or they had a loyal employee like me to do all the shit work...lol Now I work more, make less, and sleep in the office sofa!!!

On the weigh loss now, I waved goodbye to my water gain, and I am back to 89.8. I havent eaten brilliantly but not bad either. I missed the treadmill yesterday, but I carried boxes containing 6.000 2nd announcements for my congress. I carried them from the office to the car, from the car to the pavement, and from the pavement to the post office. The entire weight of these boxes (as the man of the post told me after weighin them for me to pay)was 174 kilos. I did 12 rounds to carry all the boxes, and I did 3 trips with them so that counts as a work out, doesn't it? (Please say it does!)

Then I did some retail therapy. I finished from the post office at 8 pm and the shops close at 9, so I spent a good 30 minutes in Marks & Spencer. I bought a cute skirt, a t-shirt and "roll of drums" another bathing suit! 2 piece please! And WHITE!!! Nice high legs bikini! I have a nerve don't I? hehehe I figured that cellulite, flab, strech marks and all need a bit of pampering after how bad I treated them last time. Last time I wear a white bathing suit I must have been 2 years old...lol

My husband liked it a lot and he told me that to celebrate my good mood after buying a bathing suit, he is taking me away for the weekend, so I can work on my tan! Bless him I say!

I want to thank you all for leaving comments on my blog. It makes such a difference. But you have to know one thing. I am puter illiterate. This is why this blog has no pics and fun stuff. I don't know how to add them!!! So unless you leave a url or email, I have no idea how to contact you and thank you personally! Tis all Greek to me ... and so am I!!!

Have a great morning, I am going to shop for fabric to make a dress for my nephew's christening beginning of July. Ah...lol...the occasional merits of being the boss ;o)

It is horrible you know. Even when it is totally rationalised, even when you know it is not real and it has a very good reason for its appearance, even when you have all the credentials you need for its fast disappearance, even when your mood, your head and your body all scream water retention, a gain is always a gain!

I woke up this morning, and because yesterday I did an extra 20 mins in the evening in the treadmill, and because I ate exceptionally well (for a good dieter) for dinner, I thought I'd might see a few more grams gone. Yeah right missus! Tough luck! There was a gain of 1.2 kg!!!! Yes I know! Tain't possible!!! One can't gain a kilo and two hundrent grammars in 24 hours when they eat fruits, veggies, and a nice lean grilled fillet, and they walk 7 km in the treadmill. They can't...can they?

Unless...they have back pains...and the cramps begin...and their period is coming in the next couple of hours!

So I know. It is not a gain. But it is still a gain, if you know what I mean. It is a friggin number that makes me upset to see, even if I know it is not really real!

Bottomline is that in my present hormonal (this is greek for full of hormones..hehehe) state, I can realise that although I do my hard work, I am still subject to ups and downs, just like my body! And I occasionally need a good ole whine!

P.S. Ladies, thank you for taking the time and for having the kindness to support your Greek fellow looser. You are gems!

I hadn't noticed!!!! I hadn't expected it!!!!

I have comments at my previous posts!!!!

Two!!!

Thank you!!!

I thought about it a lot last night. I dare say I thought about it long and deep. I came to various conclusions. First, dilemmas make us who we are in a way. Because our choices show who we are. From the t-shirt we wear, to the partner we choose to spend our lives with, to the professional path we decide on walking at,to the ripe tomatoes we pick at the farmers' market, to the colour of our hair, it all determines and all is determined by one thing: who we are.

Second, for me, as a woman who works towards loosing weight, dilemmas have a certain taste. "Should I eat this ice-cream or eat some melon instead?" "Should I add some grated Parmesan in my pasta or let the fresh tomato sauce conquer my taste buds?"

You see, I am waiting for my period. I am not PMSing severely this time, but I have huge ice cream craves.

Last night, I wanted one so badly. It was funny, because I hadn't realised it till my husband burst into a loud laughter. We were watching a debate in television about the Euro Elections and each and every break had icecream commercials. I was moaning harder and harder the more of them came. So he asked me if I wanted him to go get me some ice cream. My wise man is oh so nice and sweet the few days before my period...lol

I told him I want to think about it for a few minutes. So I got up and went to my study, sat down and thought about it. My dilemma: To have an icecream or to not have an icecream.

The sensational taste of bitter chocolate ice cream attacked my taste buds. God I wanted it so bad. I could imagine its texture, smooth, melting inside my mouth, the coolness of it as it would slip down my throat. And suddenly, I had another taste fantasy!

Salty liquid on my dry mouth. Yes. The taste of my sweat as I'm trying to surpass myself on the treadmill. The taste of sweat on my dry mouth, dry from the extra effort of the last extra 5 minutes on a higher incline.

My dilemma tasted salty yesterday.

Today, I weighed in. I am 89.8 kilos. I lost 1.5 kilo since June 1st.

This morning, while on the treadmill, I had a salty taste in my mouth again. Not the sweaty one just. The happy tear extra salty one.

Cheers for now. I got to go back to working because I will leave early to go to the organic farmers market :o)

I have been up since 5:45 this morning. For a sleepy head like me this is weird!I wouldn't worry if it just happened today. But the last few days I woke up too early. I haven't woken up later than 7:30, including the weekend! Well, on Saturday and Sunday I had long naps in the afternoon, but still! My husband says its the morning exercise. It might be. Cos I'm in bed at night around 11 which is also weird for a night owl like me! Ah I don't know...it just feel strange to be 8 o clock now, and me having already watered the plants in both balconies (I have 65 pots!), having spent at least an hr online, having made breakfast for my husband, having prepared my lunch.

And now, as soon as I finish this...guess what! Its treadmill time!he he he

Since the day I got it, I have spent a minimum of 45 minutes and a maximum of 65 on it. Yesterday I tried something new too. I took two small weights and held them while I was moving my hands vigorously, as if I was marching in a parade! It gave me the feel of a more total work out, if you understand what I mean.

I don't see any change in my body after 5 days of exercise. I know that it takes about three to four weeks before it starts to show. But I can tell that the difference in my mood is amazing. I buzz with energy all day long, I am in high spirits, and I sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow! My eating is so much better! I have second and third thoughts every time I get a crave for something I shouldn't have. I remember all the puffing and sweating early in the day and I instantly feel that it was not for maintenance purposes, but for loosing, so I conclude I do not actually want the icecream that bad!

I had a great weekend too! Open air cinemas opened finally!!! I just love them in the summer! We saw Troy. It was a huge disappointment! A complete distortion of the original story! My poor husband who adores epic films has not yet get over it...lol.

I think I will get ready for my exercise now. This will be my 6th day in a row. And tomorrow it will be weigh in day :)

It just stroke me this morning. A moment of enlightenment at 7.30 a.m. And yes...I love my sleep. And since I am working till at least 8 in the evening, I do wake up late according to many people. I don't go to my office earlier than 11 am, unless I have an early morning meeting. It's the industry I'm in that's working odd hours as someone would say.

But I woke up at 6.45 today. I'm going to the hair dresser's at 9.45 to refresh the colour in my hair. And I woke up that early because I wanted to walk my 30 mins in my treadmill. So I got up, put on my trainers, and on I was.

Usually, I would get up, drink my coffee, wake up, then do any kind of exercise. But today I don't have all the time in the world, so I went on without coffee. While I was puffing after 30 mins I decided to go for 5 mins more. And then it stroke me!

Last year, around June, I had discovered the merits of treadmill by going to the gym. Till then, I had numerous arguments with my husband who loves running in the treadmill. I thought the machine was totally stupid, worse than an exercise bicycle. I used to say ...right...if you want to run why not going to a park? He always tried to explain that the steady pace in the treadmill is what makes the difference, but I can be such a pain in the arse and pretend I don't understand sometimes! lol

Anyway, after a few weeks on the treadmill, I was secretly dreaming of having one at home, so I would wake up, get my shoes on, and use it.

Last year around June, I discovered my first weightloss journals. It was the wonderful Jo from N.Z., known as Kiwi Jo, and another incredible woman, Heather. I was so stunned by both of them. Their honesty, their struggles, their successes were there for the world to see, they were there for the world to get motivated!
And I secretly dreamed to have a blog too.

Well...guess what!

Today, June 4 2004, I woke up, put on my shoes, walked on my treadmill for 35 minutes, made my coffee, turned on my computer, and sipped it slowly while I was posting on my blog!

Dreams come true. It is only a matter of timing! And really really wanting them!

Have a great day, I am having a long one, last appointment is at 8 pm. But my husband has discovered a new grill place and he is taking me there tonight for dinner at 11 pm. Yes yes I know...way too late...lol

Well...us Greeks eat late ... lunch is around 2 to 3 in the afternoon, and dinner never before 10, especially when its dinner out!

Since 9.30 this morning I am in an omg!omg!omg! state!
My doorbell rung and I was all excited already because I was waiting my elliptical machine to arrive. And it arrived! And it wasn't an elliptical! It was a treadmill!!! My husband arranged with his friend to get me a treadmill!!!! I don't even want to estimate the difference in spending! But he reassured me that he will pay it in a year's period, so it isn't too bad!

My husband told me to consider this an early anniversary present (we have our wedding anniversary on June 28).

I am so excited! Not only because of the treadmill. Mainly because of the faith he has on me to purchase me something like that. My husband is a very practical man. He would invest on something that is going to be used long enough to worth its money.

I have to work...but I will be back later.

Oh...and!!!

Exercise for today:

35 mins on MY treadmill
Speed 4.5 - 6.2 (kph)- 0 incline
10 mins on MY treadmill
Speed 3.6 - 4.5 - 5% incline

Food so far:

breakie: 4 apricots
lunch: 2 tomatoes, half a cucumber, half an onion, 4 olives, 60 gr. of feta cheese, spearmint, basil, parsley, 1.5 tbs of olive oil.
dinner is planned and it will be: green salad with 1 tbs of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and grilled beef fillet
I may have some melon too.

I am home and will be for a little while before I go to a Press Conference, scheduled at 9.30 p.m. I wasn't going to return home but while I was in the middle of a very demanding document at work, I realized that it is Wednesday, and not Tuesday like I thought! When Monday is a public holiday, I'm always a day back in my mind. Sad I count the week according to working days huh? lol...Anyway...Wednesday means The Organic Farmers Market!!! From 5:30 to 8:30 in the evening now it's summer. Which allows me to shop for fruits and veggies there and not from my usual organic shop.

This makes me happier, for many reasons. First, the variety is a lot bigger. Second, the prices are better. And last but not least, there are the smells!

The smells are I N C R E D I B L E!!! Cantaloupes, apricots, melons, cherries, they all fill the air with long forgotten smells. Tomatoes and peppers make my mouth water. And the herbs! parsley, basil, drill, spearmint, fresh sage, fresh oreganon, and so many others that make me dream of herb pies!!! (O.K. herb salads...not pies...hehehe)

My kitchen smells like a garden. My freeze smells like a garden!

I have eaten very well so far. Had the stuffed zucchini for lunch, a couple of apricots for breakfast, and 4 apricots just now so they sustain me till dinner, which is going to be a late one...I don't expect to be home before midnight. But I have planned it well, so I'll eat as soon as I get home. A big salad with tomatoes, onions, peppers, cucumbers, spearmint, basil, 60 gr of feta cheese, and a bit of olive oil.

Tomorrow I am expecting my elliptical machine!!! It is supposed to arrive around 10.30 in the morning!!! We went with my husband to his friend who is selling poisons to body builders (tis how I call all these protein stuff they scorf down)and has added a line of trainers too recently. He is his old high school friend I told you about the other day. Anyway, he gave me a pretty good deal on an elliptical machine...It's called Hammer I think...though I am not good with brand names.

I can't wait to post my official exercise too!!!

I got to get ready and go now. I am going to meet some people I haven't seen in a couple of years, people from a festival I used to work for. Now one of my clients is giving a concert in their festival, so I'm gonna see them. I'm a bit nervous if they notice the difference in me. Which brings me to the most serious question for today:

Which is the skirt that makes me look thinner than I actually am?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh boy...Cheers!

I really do! Since yesterday something moved back to its original place. And I am not feeling lost or disoriented any more. After posting I left work to go to the dentist. I did my last two fillings and I can now proudly present a clean and healthy mouth!!! (If you knew how scared I am of dentists you would clap your hands for me). Then I walked for about an hour, window shopping all that time. Well, some actual shopping too...I got a red polo shirt. The woman in this shop was horrible. You know the kind. In her middle 50's, dressed like in her early 20's, skinny with lotsa make up, and well defined triceps under her loose aged skin. I asked her if they had the shirt in Large. She said "No but we have it in XL". I said XL is big for me. She said "You're sure?" I said "I'm positive". I asked if there was possibility of calling and asking in their other shop if they had it in L, cos I wanted this particular shirt in red. She said it's left only in XL and M. I said...oh...then perhaps I should try the medium on. She looked at me as if I was from Mars, gave me the M and pointed her finger to the dressing room. I came out wearing the M shirt which fitted perfectly, and is slightly tight in the arms. She apologised. I paid. I was smiling when I got out. Not because I bought the shirt. Because her attitude didn't intimidate me at all!

So I came back home and felt like cooking something new and nice. I had taken minced beef out of the freezer in the morning, thinking of making burgers with grilled zucchinis and peppers for dinner. I came up with a new recipe and it was D E V I N E!!!

K..here it is, so I won't forget it! (Thank you darling blog for being my cook book as well :o)

Take 5 (or how many you want, but I got a man to feed and he is eating A LOT) big zucchinis. Cut them in half. Remove all the white flesh with a spoon and just the outside green part as thin as you can.

Take a non sticking pan. Put the mince till it gets a bit brown. No oil. Take the flesh from the zucchinis, a couple of bell peppers, a couple of onions, and a little garlic. Shred it to thin pieces and add them to the mince. Let it cook till it absorbed all liquids. Then take some tomatoes, put them in the blender, and add the tomato sauce in the pan. Salt, pepper, curry, cumin to your taste.

When the sauce is thick, remove pan from stove. Fill the zucchinis with the mince. Put in your pan some tomato juice and a little water. Still no oil or other fat! Put them in the oven for 30 mins, or till the outside of the zucchinis is tender. Sprinkle half of them with Parmesan cheese so your husband won't feel he is on diet as well. Eat the rest and moan from pleasure. Oh...Don't forget to leave a couple so you can take them to work as lunch!

The entire thing was made out of 400 gr minced beef, 5 big zucchinis, 2 bell peppers, 2 onions, half a garlic, and tomatoes.

And both my husband and I kept two halves each for lunch today.

I just love eating tasty,hearty and lean too!

I almost forgot!

On Sunday and Monday I did not eat well. I ate some pizza, some icecream and a pitta - gyros too!

This was yesterday and the day before.

This was the past.

Nothing I can do now. Regrets won't benefit anyone.

This morning I went to the scales and I saw I gained one kilo. Bringing me back to 91.3

I tried to remember how happy I was when I saw 91.3 for the first time after years a few weeks back. And keep that feeling.

I managed. And this day has been great ever since. Food-wise, exrcise - wise, mood-wise too! :o)

Please forgive me.

Forgive me for calling you impatient. Forgive me for hating parts of you. Forgive me for putting the blame on you. Forgive me for putting the blame ever. Forgive me for being ungrateful and judging you from your appearance and that only.

I would never do that to a good friend. I would never do that to any person. I don't know what happened to me that day and did it to you!

Instead of looking at your inner self, instead of appreciating all the things you do for me, I judged you from your appearance. I did to you what I hate others doing to me. Can you please forgive me?

Can you please allow me to thank you?

Each and every part of you?

Thank you skin. Thank you for covering my precious organs. Thank you for protecting them. Thank you for being the reason for all these wonderful sensations I feel when I am being touched. Thank you for the beautiful colour you get when you spend sometime in the sun. Thank you for the flush in my cheeks.

Thank you arms. Thank you for moving. Thank you for enabling me to hug my lover, my family, my friends. Thank you for enabling me to type and work, or else I would be in dept, cook or else I would not be able to express this part of my creativity, let alone feed my husband and myself, bathe or else I would smell, scratch my face, or else I would have to sustain itching, comb my hair or else I'd go like a mad woman, wash my teeth so that they don't rot and fall. I could go on for ever, but I am sure you understand.

Thank you thighs. Thank you for the sensations felt in your inner part. Thank you for carrying my upper body with precision. Thank you for protecting my womanhood. And thank you calves too! For working so perfectly harmoniously with the thighs and the feet and making me walk. Dance. Move. Run. Swim. Lay down. Climbing. Jumping. Making love. Knee to pray.

Thank you belly. Thank you for being elastic and able to expand so you can host my future child till it gets ready to come to this world. Thank you for the warm fuzzy feelings you give me when you are tickled.

And thank you my butt. Without you I wouldn't be able to sit, not to mention other things. I would be doomed to forever standing up.

And thank you kidneys and heart and lungs and liver and blood and veins and hair and nails and bones and ovalries and tubes and arteries and stomach and tenonds and muscles and I wish I knew all the words in english to thank each and every one separately. Thank you stretch marks because you showed me the limits of this huge wonderful organ called skin. And thank you fat, because at the bottomline, you are my fuel and you can be my energy.

Thank you body! Truly, really, deeply, and honestly THANK YOU!!!