It is soothing to get supportive comments. And it is very much appreciated.
I am still in this gloomy state. The weekend did not help much, due to the premiere on saturday, and some rehearsal I had to go to on sunday, resulting in seeing her both days.
I do not know why I hurt so much inside. I don't know why I feel so bad. I feel as if I am a bastardious human being who's really betraying someone who has been so very good to me. Which is not the case. Honestly, it is not. But all these ugly feelings are here and I still cannot rationalise them at all.
Surely there is something wrong with me. This has been happening in all seperations in my life. Both personally and professionally. I would not be happy with a relationship/friendship/work and I'd decide to split up/say goodbye/change working place, and suddenly, all the things that till the second before I made my final decision made my life difficult or hurt me or disappoint me would suddenly evaporate, and I would get in a very sad state for leaving the lover/friend/employer. Suddenly all I concentrated at were the good times. No matter how few, it was always the good times that really counted at the end.
Although I have made my decision, I still have second thoughts. Many of them are about delaying getting pregnant for yet another year or so. Some of them are about loosing some of the freedom I have now, concering holidays, taking days off out of the blue. And some of them are about the new position. Since the organisation I am going to work for is a public one, and sincethis position is empty for the last 3 months, many people from the department expected to be promoted to this managerial job. Yesterday I went there I met a couple of them. They did not seem happy to hear I am going to be their new manager. Plus I did not sign my contract either. I had my cv and personal details taken and I was told I will be notified when my contract is ready. I wanted to be done with it yesterday. I get a bit paranoid and wonder if something changes at the last second, and I am left suddenly with no job and no income.
Sunday I ate like a pig. I think I still have the crap I ate in my stomach. I made meatloaf with just spices, lean beef mince, herbs and grated veggies. Really very low point with equal quantity of meaty mince and veggie mince. But then I also made baked sweet and regular potatoes. The greek way. Cut in wedges, with lots of garlic, lemon, oregano, salt, sweet red pepper, and tons of olive oil. And ate so many of them. A whole plate of them. And then we went to the rehearsal. And got upset. Angelos and Elias came with me. So on the way home, I asked them to stop for some ice cream. And we got a kilo consisting with three chocolate flavours: chocolate with espresso, chocolate with cookies, and chocolate with praline. And then Elias said that he has really been craving for the new Phi1adelphia crust pizza from Pizza Hut, since he saw the advertisement. What did you say? Philade1phia crust? Let's order some take away and pick it up on our way home.
And I also got the ladder and took the little box I keep in one of the high closets and got one out of the three joints I keep for special occasions. So I ate 4 pieces of pizza, and 1/3 of the kilo of the icecream. On top of all the potatoes and 2 generous slices of meatloaf I had for lunch. Then I got upset with myself for doing this after being so dilligent with eating since September 19, then realised I did this just a week before I get to weigh in, got more depressed, and ate a few slices of dry pineapple and papaya.
However, on Saturday we did go shopping. And I bought an incredible dress. For work related evening functions. Black, with a very fitted top and a very rich bottom. Very 50's. And I also bought grey woolen shorts that cover the knee. And two shirts, another black one, and a dark hunter's green. The shirts and dress were both size L from Zara. I dunno if you know this store, it is around most of Europe, and has really nice stuff in really good prices. But the sizes are really small. So I saw the dress, fell in love with it, looked for an XL hoping I will fit in, saw none, and got on looking for other stuff. Angelos went and asked a sales girl if there is an XL. And she said no, but is it for the lady? She should try a large!
The dress is really tight. I need to loose at least 3 kilos for it to be perfect, but I wore it on Saturday evening and got a ton of compliments. But the really weird thing were the shorts. Cos they were a size 10. The one and last pair left. Really snugly too, I need to loose weight for them to not be uncomfortable, but I wear them today and I still can breathe!
So yesterday, to cheer me up, I went to Zara again to try more pants and see if I could get a suit. I thought since I managed to squeeze myself in a 10, I could wear easily a 12 or even better 14. Now 14 is their larger size, they start from 4. But I did not fit in no 12 nor 14. So either the cut of these shorts are meant to be extra loose and not fitted like they are on me, or there was the one and only wrong pair of shorts in the whole of Zara!
Anyway, although I have absolutely no wish to do any work at all, there are still things I have to finish here, so I better start. Thank you for staying with me and still come back to read my sagas. I should gather myself back soon.