How have I been lately...
My days are hard, and my nights are harder. On Thursday afternoon at 5.30 we started a conversation with my partner that lasted till 8.30 in the evening. I struggled to not say things. And I have regretted not telling them. Actually to be honest, the hurt part of me regretted this. The more mature one, the one who initially made the decision to never bring these things up again in order to maintain a pleasant environment, the "friend" part of me who really understood and decided to not create conflict over character traits that simply don't change at the age of 46 hanged on to my decision and simply stayed there listening to all the accusations.
However, ever since I keep having all these "versions" of the conversation playing in my head. What if I told her this, what if I told her that, would she then realised the whole situation for what it really is? And the tapes play as soon as my head hits the pillow. Which keeps me up till 3 or 4 am. Which gets me really tired at 8 am that my alarm rings, and has me in a weak emotional state all day long, resulting in sudden tears falling on my cheeks out of the blue.
Then, the atmosphere at work is not nice either. Heavy, really heavy. And there is going to be another round of not so nice conversation soon, because she wants us to close the company at the end of the year and my accountant told me to close it the moment I go. She needs the extra couple of months to show on the company revenues so she can get a loan to buy a house next year. With the specific profits she wants to show coming in in the last trimester of the year and the salary I will be getting the next two months I will have to pay a lot more taxes on the other hand.
We agreed however that I should be going sooner than original planned. So that means that I can start on my new job on November 1st, which is my nameday :) A fresh start on the start of my favourite month, this can't be wrong!
Tonight we have a theatre permiere and I just cant bring myself to go. Thank God Angelos is coming with me! Though I am not sure I can stop my tears even in front of him.
I am not eating well either. This means I cannot have breakfast, because I wake up with a very heavy head every morning. And then when I am at the office I cannot eat anything, my stomach is tied up the whole time. I feel no hunger and it is difficult to even swallow coffee and water. Then I come back home and after a while I become ravenous. But I cant eat that much cos my stomach is still tied up.
But on Monday bright and early I am going to sign my contract on the new place. Then I will be showing my office, and most probably meet some of my team. I hope this will make me feel better.
The truth is that what has hurt me the most is the reasons she told me I was offered the position for. Lets call the woman who offered me the position G. and my partner E. So these are the resons for the job offer according to E.:
1. G. wanted to make E mad
2. G wanted to make E jealous
3. G wanted me because of my friendship with the minister's wife, so she will have some governmental back up
4. G wanted to destroy E's company
5. G is using me to get to E
6. Many people have refused this position because they are well aware of what a "whore" G is, so I was her last choise because...well...because I am so naive to accept it.
The possibility of me being actually the right person for this job because of my background both academically - you need a Master degree for this position) and practically - 7 years experience in big productions - did not cross her mind at all.
So now I am going to take my husband (who has been so super sweet all these days, that he went out before I woke up this morning and bought me breakfast from my favourite bakery though I still can't eat it) and go out for a bit of shopping. I will need a whole new wardrobe of things to wear in the new job, like suits and stuff. P.R. in theatres and concerts has a very free dress code, but this is a very "formal" organisation for me to show up with just jeans and a jacket during the first weeks at least!
And I have to tell you that I am having serious scales withdrawls the last couple of days. I can feel a bit of a difference in my clothes and I just NEED to see a good number to cheer me up! I am going to wait till October 19 though!
And last but not least, thank you all for your support these last days. Your comments have brighten up my days and have made me feel less of a bad person!
Have a gorgeous weekend!