I woke up too early for a Saturday. My mind is not at peace. I was up while it was still dark, 6.10 am. The good thing is that Angelos woke up too a bit later, so we got to have morning sweeet cuddles and jokes in bed, and I feel better. A bit better. And I thought I'd try to see if the puter turns off, and yes it did! My museum item is resurrected! And I am begging him to last just 4 more weeks, till I get either the new credit card or the first pay check!
I have a lot of anger and hurt inside me concerning my partner. She goes around telling people that she had me like a sister and now I am betraying her. She says how hard things will be for her now without me to handdle some of the projects. There are a few from our clients with whom I was close too, and they won't answer their cell phone when I call them, nor will speak to me when I call their office. Two of them were calling themselves my friends too. And both of them are artists that fall in the alternative side. Hard stuff to promote. Yet, I did exveptional things for them, just because I believed in them. It hurts, I tell you.
Last year, at the very same period, when my partner was at home with her newly born, I had to deal with my mother's cancer, chemo, and surgery, 8 theatre premieres, a huge music hall opening, the biggest club's in athens oppening (3 stages) and the whole organisation of a congress. Me, my assistant and my partner's 20 yo sister who was a part time helper and performed a few basic secreterial tasks. And when my partner returned to work, the first thing she said was...omg...look at this office...you have made a mess...nothing is filed! She did not called me once during the 25 days my mother was at the hospital to ask me if I needed something, even a person to take a smoke break with for 10 mins.
After I leave, all she will be left with is 2 more theatre premieres and an exhibition opening in December.
I fight hard inside me to not tell her these things. After the first argument we had early in the company's life, I told her a few things that bothered me/insulted me/annoyed me/hurted me. She agreed with them at the time, apologised, and said that things will change. But after a few weeks, everything was back where it was. There was a decision I had to make at the tpoint. Argue about the same things over and over again, and have a very unpleasant atmosphere, or accept that she won't change, and get rid of at least the arguments. Plus, at that time, she had her second unsuccesful attempt in in vitro fertilization (is this correct?) and I did not want to rise any more tension. So it was then I decided to shut up for ever.
But I am really not able to sustain for much longer. Yet, sometimes I see no point on saying these things now that I am leaving. And yet, I do not know what to do with all this anger and hurt. I ate through it all last week. And I got back on track with a vengence this week. Which means that I ate an apple for breakfast, an apple and 30 gr of cheese for lunch, another apple for a snack, and then dreamed of greasy food on my way home, got in the kitchen opening cupboards to see what I could make, and ended everyday on fish and salad, or lean meat and salad, or veggie stir fries and a bit of rice. And I would call and ask him to bring home icecream every night. And I would call him back after five minutes, and tell him to not bring icecream home.
My therapist tells me the decision is mine. I can try and supress both my anger and hurt by pushing them down deeper, by "throwing" food in. This way all the hurt and anger will go lower and lower in my body, will hide themselves below my solar plexus and will block my potential once more. Or I can let them out and free my sleep. I just don't know.... What I do know is that the coming week will be a very difficult one.
On Thursday night Angelos and I had an idea about a rug we had packed in my mom's basement. We both thought it would look great in the kitchen. In Greece we never put wall to wall carpets. Our spring and summer are too hot for this. We use rugs and carpets, we put away during spring, and put back when the weather cools. And the sense of carpets in the house gives such a feeling of warmth. So we went to the basement and what did I see there? The scales! So I stripped, took of my shoes, and got in. 86 kilos. I lost 1.9 kilos in 4 weeks. I do not know how much I gained last week though. But I did gain. I am pleased in the sense that this is the lowest number I have seen in years. And I am more pleased because I did not feel like taking the scales back home.
I have thought about food a lot lately. Not food I would like to eat. Eating habbits. Nutritional stuff. I read a wonderful post Margaret
wrote about how her change in the food she eats and likes now. I read this in many blogs really. I think about it a lot.
I am different. I do not know how to speak about it without sounding a bit like a smart ass.
But I come from a country and culture where what the last decade discovered and called Mediterennean Diet was the way we lived.
This deserves a long post of its own. But for me, reading all these posts about changing eating habbits bring me back to my basic problem with food and dieting. Which is olive oil and portions. You know what I used to binge on? Lightly toasted thick slices of my mother's home baked whole wheat bread smothered in olive oil, salt, fresh grounded pepper, and dry oregano. So healthy. Wanna try to count the points/calories/fat grams/carbs on 5 of these thick slices of the oh so healthy whole wheat home baked bread, the magically good for you olive oil?
I will get to this post soon.
There is also another post that is sitting on my mind for a bit more than a week now. The Thrusday before last I had an appointment for the new job. The managing director of the organisation (female), the PR manager of anotehr organisation (male) with witch we will organise a series of Christmas happenings all around town, and me, as the project implementation manager.
I looked good that day. Professional but feminnine too. Black trousers, with a very thin chain type of belt, fitted white button up shirt, pin striped back jacket, high heeled black shoes. Soft make up, nice straightent sleek hair. At the end of the meeting, I had weird thoughts and feelings. When the guy left, the managing director told me "you had him wrapped around your finger, well done!"
I will tell you this only, and leave the rest for the upcoming post. I realised that day, that if this proposal had come two years ago, or should I say 30 kilos ago, I would not have accepted it. I would have been too scared to be presented to a group of people as their manager. I would constantly think that all they would see when I spoke to them would be an obese woman. Who both looked and felt the part.
Now they will see a work in progress...
Right...its off to the shops now. We need racks and shelves for the basement. Angelos is going to organise the basement today and tidy it up. Then we will go order some fire wood. And tonight we will spend our first evening at home, cuddling in front of the fireplace. We both need this so much.
Oh, and a last question! (God this post is ginormous!!!). I cannot find sour cream in greece. Does any of you know how to make some low fat sour cream? I found a recipe that says to beat a cup of cottage cheese, a cup of ff yoghurt, and a Tsp of lemon. But as I think of it, I am not sure the taste will be similar?
Have a gorgeous weekend my friends. And thank you for helping me so much during this time with your support and comments!