Email me at argyro.k@gmail.com for the new blog

...to say good bye to this blog.

Its about time to say good bye to many things.

I just need to find the strength. The way. The balance.

So I will succumb to the need to change to beta blogger and create a private blog.

I will give you the details soon.

Right, in matter of importance:

in my refrigerator, since yesterday, one will find the following items, that were almost never there for me to eat, as part of a daily diet:

organic milk
organic vanilla bifidus yoghurt

in the kitchen counter:

a huge basket with oranges for juice
a huge jar with home made musli containing: organic oat flakes, organic rye flaks, flaxseeds, organic almonds, organic sultanas

in the kitchen table:

a basket with organic bananas, apples, kiwis, pomedegranades, mandarins

in the cupboard:

organic almonds, walnuts, decaf organic espresso, low sodium sea salt, and the follwoing supplements: green algae capsules, colostrum capsules, green energy capsules (containing alfa-alfa, spirulina and green algae).

in my bath:

levander calming and soothing shower gel

in my desk, as I wite this:

breakfast consisting of a small (125 gr) vanilla -bifidus yoghurt, 2 Tsp of musli, a small banana, and a glass of fresh orange juice (all of them are a struggle to eat, since breakfast and I dont go together!)

in my laptop:

a new folder in the favourites, named "expecting"

in my night stand's drawer :

blood results from an hCG test with the indication: Pregnancy Examination: Positive

****************************

I did not know I was pregnant on Wednesday night, when I wrote my last post. I was a couple of days late, but still, with all thats going on in my life the last months, my period had gone all crazy, and spotting would appear mid-cycle too. So when spotting started to appear last monday, I thought it was yet another hard period trying to come with me stopping it in a way with my state of mind and soul.

I had actually taken a home pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was negative, so I was just hoping that my period would arrive sooner than later, cos I was very edgy and pms-y.

Plus, Angelos was supposingly taking pre-cautions. He told me he does not want me to get pregnant untill he is certain he wants to stay for ever, and I wholeheartadly agreed with him. So I told him that contraception was his responsibility, since I have never been on the pill and never would, as I am very adamant about fake hormones entering my body unnecessarily. So he decided on the "pull out now" tactic.

I took a home test on Friday morning and it was positive. And took the blood test right away and it is possitive too. I'm 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. SInce early 2004, we have tried on and off and it had never happened. And now a sould chose me to mother them! Tell me it is not a gift and I will stick my tongue out for you!

I am happy. Calm. Serene. And not at all scared. Not at all panicked. With the miscarriage I had 8 years ago, I always thought that when I will get pregnant, I will spend the first trimester in angst and fear of miscarrying again. The thought does not even crosses my mind. I am going to have this baby. Even if I have to stay in bed the whole time. With or without him.

He, on the other hand is shocked. When I told him, he hugged me and congratulated me, but was not really into it. I think he feels a bit trapped. And I can see an excitement in his eyes at times. When for istance I mentioned casually that I am going to bring another PAO (my football team) supporter to the world, he starts a debate with jokes and smiles about how his son will follow his football team and not mine, and at that moments he seems like his old self. He is much more tender while we sleep too. He hugs me and caresses me in his sleep in a very sweet way.

My major problem now is smoking.

I was up to 3 packs a day for the last 4-5months. And Im on 5-7 cigarettes a day since friday, and yet, it makes me want to walk on the ceiling. I am quiting soon. But the doctor told me on the phone on friday that the adrenaline of going cold turkey will be more harmful than 5 smokes a day at this stage.

I have an appointment with my gyno on Tuesday for an ultrasound and the first things. What tests to take, and the likes.

My parents are deliriously happy and incredibly sweet. But they insists on not telling anyone till I complete my first trimester. The first couple of days I was thinking about not telling anyone as well. Now I think I am not going to tell anyone at work till then. But to be honest, I would go first thing Monday morning to the printer and print flyers and distribute them around athens, if I could.

I just wish I could share this joy with him. But to tell you the truth, suddenly, the thought of being without him is not that paralysing anymore. I have got the best of him inside me. The part of him that is trully compatible with me is in my uterus growing as we speak. It is his decision to chose if he wants to share this full time with me or not. As it is my decision to have a happy pregnancy regardless of his behaviour.

Also, we were supposed to go to prague for christmas. I have paid already the deposit, which is 700 euros and non - refundable. I did not know then. I will do whatever the doctor tells me.If he says I should not travel, then I will not.

As it seems, my body still has its juices. I savour each happy tear with intense appreciation. It is about time those eyes shed some happy tears too, don't you think?

Keep my bub in your prayers, will you? With all the unpleasant things around me I need all the prayers and white bubbles I can have!!!!

how it is to write a post for days in your head, having rehearsed the impressive beginning in all different tones and tastes, and suddenly the tiny little thing that will cross your eye will give you such a shift to your original perspective, that you will sit astonished looking at your empty screen and feeling: yes, the time is trully right for this post!

Blogger beta did this to me. For a couple of weeks now I have wanted to post. But I did not want the blog out in the open. Some of the comments made me feel uncomfortable. I may be wrong, because I am Greek and English is not my mother tongue, but phrases like "oh come back and post, i am dying to know what is happening" makes me feel like a stripper. And don't take me wrong. I am a stripper. Otherwise why I keep a blog instead of a personal journal... Why I type my thoughts and feelings in blogger instead of Word? But excuse me for I am a stripper with very specific requirements from my audience. And some just do not fit into my club. I want you to have reserved your table, for ever. But no casual entries through my door.

Yet, changing into beta version seemed like a terribly difficult to do. So I did not even looked at it.

As I was logging in now, it took me to a page that takes you to the switch through 3 very simple steps. I went through them, found them terribly easy, till I read at the end something that went something like this:

Your blog will remain unchanged however once you switch to beta you will no longer be able to go back to the old version.

My stomach is getting sick as I type this now. From fear. Of Change. Of anything Not Familiar. No matter if the change is something I crave for. No matter if I feel deep inside me that no matter the pain I will have to face, leaving him will be the wisest thing to do, because my husband has become a man I am not sure I admire anymore. The fear of the unknown paralyzes me.

I have seen something here today.

I was going to start this post telling you that perhaps, if you have lost or gained big amounts of kilos, say more than 30, in short periods of time, will understand what I mean. I sit in front of the mirror and I do not recognise myself. I remember reading weight loss blogs of women with whom I had a couple of kilos difference to keep on working and go 10-12 kilos lower, and me thinking "I do not have her desire. I feel so comfortable where I am now. I feel good with my body, I feel sexy" and then in a month I ganied 3 kilos and felt I will never reach the 80's again. And I weigh 78 kilos. Yes. Incredible is it not?!

But let me tell you something about loosing 15 kilos in two months because of a broken heart. It is not attractive. It is like a left over apple that has fallen from the basket behind the kitchen counter.And you find it after a couple of weeks, and it has shrunk in size, but its not attractive. The first thing you see is that the fruit has no juices. It is like all my body's juices have left my body in the form of tears.

I really got very sad now.

I will be back tomorrow. I really want to talk to you. I really want to hear what you have to say. Not you! The you you know ;o)