in my refrigerator, since yesterday, one will find the following items, that were almost never there for me to eat, as part of a daily diet:
organic milk organic vanilla bifidus yoghurt
in the kitchen counter:
a huge basket with oranges for juice a huge jar with home made musli containing: organic oat flakes, organic rye flaks, flaxseeds, organic almonds, organic sultanas
in the kitchen table:
a basket with organic bananas, apples, kiwis, pomedegranades, mandarins
in the cupboard:
organic almonds, walnuts, decaf organic espresso, low sodium sea salt, and the follwoing supplements: green algae capsules, colostrum capsules, green energy capsules (containing alfa-alfa, spirulina and green algae).
in my bath:
levander calming and soothing shower gel
in my desk, as I wite this:
breakfast consisting of a small (125 gr) vanilla -bifidus yoghurt, 2 Tsp of musli, a small banana, and a glass of fresh orange juice (all of them are a struggle to eat, since breakfast and I dont go together!)
in my laptop:
a new folder in the favourites, named "expecting"
in my night stand's drawer :
blood results from an hCG test with the indication: Pregnancy Examination: Positive
I did not know I was pregnant on Wednesday night, when I wrote my last post. I was a couple of days late, but still, with all thats going on in my life the last months, my period had gone all crazy, and spotting would appear mid-cycle too. So when spotting started to appear last monday, I thought it was yet another hard period trying to come with me stopping it in a way with my state of mind and soul.
I had actually taken a home pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was negative, so I was just hoping that my period would arrive sooner than later, cos I was very edgy and pms-y.
Plus, Angelos was supposingly taking pre-cautions. He told me he does not want me to get pregnant untill he is certain he wants to stay for ever, and I wholeheartadly agreed with him. So I told him that contraception was his responsibility, since I have never been on the pill and never would, as I am very adamant about fake hormones entering my body unnecessarily. So he decided on the "pull out now" tactic.
I took a home test on Friday morning and it was positive. And took the blood test right away and it is possitive too. I'm 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. SInce early 2004, we have tried on and off and it had never happened. And now a sould chose me to mother them! Tell me it is not a gift and I will stick my tongue out for you!
I am happy. Calm. Serene. And not at all scared. Not at all panicked. With the miscarriage I had 8 years ago, I always thought that when I will get pregnant, I will spend the first trimester in angst and fear of miscarrying again. The thought does not even crosses my mind. I am going to have this baby. Even if I have to stay in bed the whole time. With or without him.
He, on the other hand is shocked. When I told him, he hugged me and congratulated me, but was not really into it. I think he feels a bit trapped. And I can see an excitement in his eyes at times. When for istance I mentioned casually that I am going to bring another PAO (my football team) supporter to the world, he starts a debate with jokes and smiles about how his son will follow his football team and not mine, and at that moments he seems like his old self. He is much more tender while we sleep too. He hugs me and caresses me in his sleep in a very sweet way.
My major problem now is smoking.
I was up to 3 packs a day for the last 4-5months. And Im on 5-7 cigarettes a day since friday, and yet, it makes me want to walk on the ceiling. I am quiting soon. But the doctor told me on the phone on friday that the adrenaline of going cold turkey will be more harmful than 5 smokes a day at this stage.
I have an appointment with my gyno on Tuesday for an ultrasound and the first things. What tests to take, and the likes.
My parents are deliriously happy and incredibly sweet. But they insists on not telling anyone till I complete my first trimester. The first couple of days I was thinking about not telling anyone as well. Now I think I am not going to tell anyone at work till then. But to be honest, I would go first thing Monday morning to the printer and print flyers and distribute them around athens, if I could.
I just wish I could share this joy with him. But to tell you the truth, suddenly, the thought of being without him is not that paralysing anymore. I have got the best of him inside me. The part of him that is trully compatible with me is in my uterus growing as we speak. It is his decision to chose if he wants to share this full time with me or not. As it is my decision to have a happy pregnancy regardless of his behaviour.
Also, we were supposed to go to prague for christmas. I have paid already the deposit, which is 700 euros and non - refundable. I did not know then. I will do whatever the doctor tells me.If he says I should not travel, then I will not.
As it seems, my body still has its juices. I savour each happy tear with intense appreciation. It is about time those eyes shed some happy tears too, don't you think?
Keep my bub in your prayers, will you? With all the unpleasant things around me I need all the prayers and white bubbles I can have!!!!
how it is to write a post for days in your head, having rehearsed the impressive beginning in all different tones and tastes, and suddenly the tiny little thing that will cross your eye will give you such a shift to your original perspective, that you will sit astonished looking at your empty screen and feeling: yes, the time is trully right for this post!
Blogger beta did this to me. For a couple of weeks now I have wanted to post. But I did not want the blog out in the open. Some of the comments made me feel uncomfortable. I may be wrong, because I am Greek and English is not my mother tongue, but phrases like "oh come back and post, i am dying to know what is happening" makes me feel like a stripper. And don't take me wrong. I am a stripper. Otherwise why I keep a blog instead of a personal journal... Why I type my thoughts and feelings in blogger instead of Word? But excuse me for I am a stripper with very specific requirements from my audience. And some just do not fit into my club. I want you to have reserved your table, for ever. But no casual entries through my door.
Yet, changing into beta version seemed like a terribly difficult to do. So I did not even looked at it.
As I was logging in now, it took me to a page that takes you to the switch through 3 very simple steps. I went through them, found them terribly easy, till I read at the end something that went something like this:
Your blog will remain unchanged however once you switch to beta you will no longer be able to go back to the old version.
My stomach is getting sick as I type this now. From fear. Of Change. Of anything Not Familiar. No matter if the change is something I crave for. No matter if I feel deep inside me that no matter the pain I will have to face, leaving him will be the wisest thing to do, because my husband has become a man I am not sure I admire anymore. The fear of the unknown paralyzes me.
I have seen something here today.
I was going to start this post telling you that perhaps, if you have lost or gained big amounts of kilos, say more than 30, in short periods of time, will understand what I mean. I sit in front of the mirror and I do not recognise myself. I remember reading weight loss blogs of women with whom I had a couple of kilos difference to keep on working and go 10-12 kilos lower, and me thinking "I do not have her desire. I feel so comfortable where I am now. I feel good with my body, I feel sexy" and then in a month I ganied 3 kilos and felt I will never reach the 80's again. And I weigh 78 kilos. Yes. Incredible is it not?!
But let me tell you something about loosing 15 kilos in two months because of a broken heart. It is not attractive. It is like a left over apple that has fallen from the basket behind the kitchen counter.And you find it after a couple of weeks, and it has shrunk in size, but its not attractive. The first thing you see is that the fruit has no juices. It is like all my body's juices have left my body in the form of tears.
I really got very sad now.
I will be back tomorrow. I really want to talk to you. I really want to hear what you have to say. Not you! The you you know ;o)
The gorgeous Beckie left a comment that really brought a sea of tears. Now you have to know that this was not something that took a lot for me to happen. I would see something, listen to something, smell something, taste something, touch something, think of something, and tears would fall effortlessly. Beckie said that this is my journal and that I should be back posting my thoughts, since many people were willing to hold my hand.
The truth is that I am really amazed with how many people willing to do just that I have in my life. People to take me out to dinner, have me in their homes, cook and try to make me eat (!), take me shopping, book appointments to the hairdresser and come at my house and make me go there, give me vitamins and other supplements, take me to massages, reiki masters, energy cleaners, walk with me in the beach with heavy pouring rain, take me on long drives with no words spoken, cope with me being around for three or four hours without saying a word.
This is mostly what I have been doing for 61 days. Yes, the one month initially asked for became 61 days.
But what I have not done during this time, is talk a lot about it. You see, when I talk, I say it all. I'm this kind of person that once her mouth is open and functioning, things will eventually get out. And I did not want to do this. Because I was upset. And angry. And disappointed. And hurt. And sad. And this combination would have worded things that were not fair.
His whole attitude was not fair.
But for some reason, I could understand. Not theoretically or magnanimously understand. Deeply understand. I just knew how someone whom you thought loved you unconditionally can make you grow apart. I just knew how you can still love someone and yet feel trapped for a long time in their worst behaviour. How you can want to let go and try something different. I just knew how fed up yoou can be from everyday struggles, how there are people who sense this and offer you themselves as your solution. I have been both the "victimizer" and the "victim" and I know.
I am really not too fond of these people by the way. The end does not always justify the means. You allow yourself to fall in love with a married person. You know from the first time you meet them. You see their wedding ring. I am not sure what really makes someone to decide to destroy something and built on those ashes. But still...
Angelos and I went through a lot after that Sunday on October 15. That date went OK. Then next Saturday was horrible. Then the Sunday after was magical. We went to see Duran Duran and it brought out all our youth memories. Then the next week was disasterous. Then last Friday I sent him 18 white roses and a red one in the middle. For the 18 years we have had, and the 19th I was hoping to enter with him.
He just called and said thank you. I knew then that this was the end.
And then last Saturday, we spent an hour and a half on the phone, talking, yelling, crying, talking some more. Both of us. I have seen my husband cry more in the last 6 weeks than I have seen him in the past 18 years. Me? My friends tell me the weight I have lost consists solely from tears! At the end of this long phone call I told him that the real risk in life is not how faster you can drive, how taller you can jump, how deeper you can dive. I told him that the real dive is not on the 30 meters depth of the ocean that gives him such a thrill. The real dive is inside his heart. If he ever manages to dive into his feelings, if he wants to take the risk of aknowledging, forgiving, and forgetting, he knew where to find me.
An hour later he called me again. "I am in the front door", he said. Can I come upstairs?" And when he came home he asked if he could spend the night. And we woke up on Sunday and we took each moment as it came. I was running our of fire wood and asked me if I wanted to go and stock up. Then he asked me if I wanted to cook or have lunch out. Then we returned my DVD's and asked me if I wanted to rent one for the evening. Then he asked me if I minded if he stayed and wached it with me. Then he went on the spare room, where I had gotten all his winter clothes out but had left them in boxes and had not put them in his closets, and told me that he would pick something to wear tomorrow. He then went and took a bath. On Monday morning he called me and said that he would see me in the evening. And as I was cooking dinner last night, I heard his keys in the door for the first time in 2 months.
This morning, I asked him...are you here to stay? And he said, yes, I think I finally am.
I know that he had a difficult decision to make. I know that inside him he will mourn for sometime for what he left behind. Not the woman herself really. But this elevating feeling of the new sensations, this return to teenagehood, the younger woman who looked at him as if he was her mentor.
My husband and I are even. Not even in a revengeful way. No. Not at all.
We are even in really getting into each other's shoes.
Now I can forget myself for my affair. Because I was able to forget him for his. I have been carrying this little baggage with me since it happened. And he will be able to frgive himself soon. Because he was able to forgive me back then.
I really want our marriage to work out. And I know I have to do most of the work. I wish it was the other way around. But I am the woman. I have spent the years in the therapist's armchair. I have the deeper understanding. So I have to do the work. And as soon as I lay the ground, he has to walk on it. And if we manage to do this, we will spend the rest of our lives walking down the same path. If we don't, then perhaps we should both aknowledge the limitations and take the joint decision of letting go.
I will be back blogging soon.
Now it is time to process all these feelings I had. All the things I did.
Now it is time to lose the rest of the weight. It's not much left really. Amazingly, I weigh 81.2. I actually saw 79.9 last week, but he wanted pizza and ice cream on Saturday night ;)
Who would have thought that at the beginning of the winter of 2006, I would have lost and gained a husband, lost 11 kilos, gained knowledge of myself 5 years in the therapist never gave me, lost my centre and my world, gained a new appreciation of all the given things that we consider for granted.
The most difficult thing was to come home at night and find the place in perfect silence, stillness, and darkness.
Do this for me.
When you go home tonight, and you open the door and you see your spouse, roomate, sister, mother, boyfriend, dog, hug them tight and tell them how wonderful it is to go home to them every day. Don't wait till you almost lose it to appreciate it.
Oh...and another favour. Cos Im greek and prejudiced and although I so wanted to post this this morning, Im still afraid I will jinx myself. So if you know any good un-jinxing spells and vibes, do send them our way.
I know you were thinking of me. I felt your concern and I am really warm inside each and evry time I think of you.
Tonight might be the most important meeting of Angelos and me.
We will go out for dinner. We have been out for dinner a couple of times so far, and he has come home for dinner a couple of times too.
I feel a little different.
I took the week to myself. Did not call him or reply to his calls, did a few things on my own, like sessions with my therapist, and body things, like a cleansing of my energy, etc, and I feel a bit more composed.
I did a killer shopping for an outfit to wear tonight too. A nice size 16 from Zara pair of black pants, a cute satin hunters green shirt, and a pair of 12 cm black heels! Do you know what fitting to a Zara 16 meant for me?
So far, I have lost 11 kilos and a husband. I want the latter retrieved please!
Sent us good energy tonight. I feel we might get our real second chance!
About Me I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.