Well, it has been raining since I left for that appointment (on which I got the contract :) which makes me 50% happy cos it smells wonderful and also I would not have been able to walk anyways, and 50% unhappy cos its so cloudy and heavy and I am just not ready for real autumn yet!
After that appointment I went to a photo shoot and now I am back to my office.
I took the bus and the metro to all these meetings. I prefer the bus to the metro really, because I really unwind and think during the rides. Something about a tune playing in my head and watching the people in the streets make things look and feel like I am watching a moovie, the never ending documentary of life in Athens. But this somehow relaxes me and makes me think clear.
My last ride back to work lasted 50 minutes. Traffic was insane due to the first real rain.
I thought a lot during that ride. And I took some decisions. Tough ones. But they will have to be applied. Otherwise it will be another serving of the same story. The obsessive one. The one that makes every day feel like a struggle. The one that makes every day worth enjoying based on a number I see in the morning. The one that makes me a crunky person to go home to. Really, I am a lot more than these things. And I do not want to be them any longer.
There are things I have to accept. I will always adore food. The other night we were over my in laws. And I noticed a cooking magazine called Gourmet which gets out once a month and is inserted in the most popular Sunday paper. The September issue. Burgundy cover, with a gorgeous female hand (just the perfect white palm) squeezing a bunch of perfect red grapes, wearing rubby rings. Incredible photo. Lemme get my assistant scan it for you actually... (it really looks better in reality)
Anyway, I begun reading it and I had an "epiphany"! I knew exactly how all these old kinda sick blokes feel when they cannot have sex anymore and instead, they watch hard core porn all day long! I am like them with food you know. When I am dieting, I read so much about food, I surf endlessly in cooking sites, I read cooking blogs, I read my cookbooks before bed. Although it seems weird and torturous to most, to me it is not. It actually satisfies one of my two basic needs with food. Creation. Eating is the second. But creating it is the basic one. And if I can dream about actually making it then I am partially satisfied, I feel less deprived.
Anyway, I admitted that I love food. And before I start writting a couple of paragraphs about each think I have to admit to myself and you, I better make a list!
- I adore food
- I can make gorgeous food
- I can make even better food when I use fresh wonderful ingredients
- I am generally pleased with myself the way I look now
- Yet, I want to loose more weight
- I want to look drop dead gorgeous
- I want my husband's one hand to be suffice for my left buttock. And since he can't grow his hand I will have to shrink my buttocks, right?!
- I want to feel better in my body
- I want to have better health
- I want to meet physical challenges
- I want to run
- I want this to happen overnight
- There is no chance that this will happen overnight! Even if I was not against plastic surgery, and even if I had the cash, it would take at least 4 months for my body to get where it should be with all the liposuctions and tacks and all.
- I have to bite the bullet and do it on my own...with a little help from my friends :o)
- The scales usually affect me more than I have ever admitted to myself and you. Both ways. Up or down.
- The taping measure affects me less, but it affects me too.
- With the detox I was doing before I started blogging, and the lotsa kilos I shed in a small amount of time I got really very spoilt. I insist on seeing at least 300 gr off each day.
- This is unreal and unhealthy too.
- I should loose weight to live my life (better). Instead, I am living my life to loose weight better. And its cool when I do. But when I do not...
- There has not been a situation in my life that I have been dilligent and perfect through it entirely. This is who I am, perfectly human, no super powers here I am afraid. I have to admit that weight loss will be the same.
- This has not make me less of the woman I am in all situations in my life. I have to stop feeling I am less of the woman I am when I am not perfect on my weight loss efforts. Even worse than that actually. I have to stop feeling I am less of the woman I am when I am not perfect on my weight loss results despite my sincere efforts.
- I admit I have an addiction to the scales equally disasterous to my smoking addiction. (though the latter I have learned to control and have gone from almost 2 packs a day to 2 cigarettes and 3 small cigars a day)
- I admit I want to break free
- I admit this list is too long and I totally understand if you already have stopped reading.
I called Angelos as I was walking the little distance between the bus stop and the office. I asked him: "Can you do me a favour tonight?" He said "Does it involve detergents?" "No" I responded "Then I suppose I can" he said. "Can you take the scales and put them in my parents' basement?" I asked "DEAL!!!" he replied.
I never go to my parents' basement. I just don't feel good there for some reason. It has so much stuff I have to sort out from as back as my highschool years that every time I go there I really get depressed.
Really, I will weigh in when I go home tonight, and then I will again weigh in on October 15. It's a Saturday, I just checked.
Then this Saturday, September 17, I will take my measurements. And I will take them again on October 1st. Between these dates, I will not measure or weigh myself.
And to reward all of you who managed to read through the end of this long and ranting post, I will admit to you one more thing. When the scales are not hidden, I wake up, weigh in, then pee, then weigh in, then drink coffee and have a poo, then weigh in, then take my shower, then weigh in, then go to work, return home, then weigh in, then pee, then weigh in, then catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, tell myself I am sick, then weigh in, etc...etc...etc....
Actually I am a bit embarassed feeling and telling you all these. I think if I delete this post, what weigh in will show huh? After all a burdain seems to moving into the right direction to finally get OFF my poor shoulders!!!!
It is about time doing this for the real reasons, not just to weigh in!!!!