Thursday, September 15, 2005
Attention please! A second, LONG post for today!

Well, it has been raining since I left for that appointment (on which I got the contract :) which makes me 50% happy cos it smells wonderful and also I would not have been able to walk anyways, and 50% unhappy cos its so cloudy and heavy and I am just not ready for real autumn yet!

After that appointment I went to a photo shoot and now I am back to my office.

I took the bus and the metro to all these meetings. I prefer the bus to the metro really, because I really unwind and think during the rides. Something about a tune playing in my head and watching the people in the streets make things look and feel like I am watching a moovie, the never ending documentary of life in Athens. But this somehow relaxes me and makes me think clear.

My last ride back to work lasted 50 minutes. Traffic was insane due to the first real rain.

I thought a lot during that ride. And I took some decisions. Tough ones. But they will have to be applied. Otherwise it will be another serving of the same story. The obsessive one. The one that makes every day feel like a struggle. The one that makes every day worth enjoying based on a number I see in the morning. The one that makes me a crunky person to go home to. Really, I am a lot more than these things. And I do not want to be them any longer.

There are things I have to accept. I will always adore food. The other night we were over my in laws. And I noticed a cooking magazine called Gourmet which gets out once a month and is inserted in the most popular Sunday paper. The September issue. Burgundy cover, with a gorgeous female hand (just the perfect white palm) squeezing a bunch of perfect red grapes, wearing rubby rings. Incredible photo. Lemme get my assistant scan it for you actually... (it really looks better in reality)

Anyway, I begun reading it and I had an "epiphany"! I knew exactly how all these old kinda sick blokes feel when they cannot have sex anymore and instead, they watch hard core porn all day long! I am like them with food you know. When I am dieting, I read so much about food, I surf endlessly in cooking sites, I read cooking blogs, I read my cookbooks before bed. Although it seems weird and torturous to most, to me it is not. It actually satisfies one of my two basic needs with food. Creation. Eating is the second. But creating it is the basic one. And if I can dream about actually making it then I am partially satisfied, I feel less deprived.

Anyway, I admitted that I love food. And before I start writting a couple of paragraphs about each think I have to admit to myself and you, I better make a list!

  • I adore food
  • I can make gorgeous food
  • I can make even better food when I use fresh wonderful ingredients
  • I am generally pleased with myself the way I look now
  • Yet, I want to loose more weight
  • I want to look drop dead gorgeous
  • I want my husband's one hand to be suffice for my left buttock. And since he can't grow his hand I will have to shrink my buttocks, right?!
  • I want to feel better in my body
  • I want to have better health
  • I want to meet physical challenges
  • I want to run
  • I want this to happen overnight
  • There is no chance that this will happen overnight! Even if I was not against plastic surgery, and even if I had the cash, it would take at least 4 months for my body to get where it should be with all the liposuctions and tacks and all.
  • I have to bite the bullet and do it on my own...with a little help from my friends :o)
  • The scales usually affect me more than I have ever admitted to myself and you. Both ways. Up or down.
  • The taping measure affects me less, but it affects me too.
  • With the detox I was doing before I started blogging, and the lotsa kilos I shed in a small amount of time I got really very spoilt. I insist on seeing at least 300 gr off each day.
  • This is unreal and unhealthy too.
  • I should loose weight to live my life (better). Instead, I am living my life to loose weight better. And its cool when I do. But when I do not...
  • There has not been a situation in my life that I have been dilligent and perfect through it entirely. This is who I am, perfectly human, no super powers here I am afraid. I have to admit that weight loss will be the same.
  • This has not make me less of the woman I am in all situations in my life. I have to stop feeling I am less of the woman I am when I am not perfect on my weight loss efforts. Even worse than that actually. I have to stop feeling I am less of the woman I am when I am not perfect on my weight loss results despite my sincere efforts.
  • I admit I have an addiction to the scales equally disasterous to my smoking addiction. (though the latter I have learned to control and have gone from almost 2 packs a day to 2 cigarettes and 3 small cigars a day)
  • I admit I want to break free
  • I admit this list is too long and I totally understand if you already have stopped reading.

I called Angelos as I was walking the little distance between the bus stop and the office. I asked him: "Can you do me a favour tonight?" He said "Does it involve detergents?" "No" I responded "Then I suppose I can" he said. "Can you take the scales and put them in my parents' basement?" I asked "DEAL!!!" he replied.

I never go to my parents' basement. I just don't feel good there for some reason. It has so much stuff I have to sort out from as back as my highschool years that every time I go there I really get depressed.

Really, I will weigh in when I go home tonight, and then I will again weigh in on October 15. It's a Saturday, I just checked.

Then this Saturday, September 17, I will take my measurements. And I will take them again on October 1st. Between these dates, I will not measure or weigh myself.

And to reward all of you who managed to read through the end of this long and ranting post, I will admit to you one more thing. When the scales are not hidden, I wake up, weigh in, then pee, then weigh in, then drink coffee and have a poo, then weigh in, then take my shower, then weigh in, then go to work, return home, then weigh in, then pee, then weigh in, then catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, tell myself I am sick, then weigh in, etc...etc...etc....

Actually I am a bit embarassed feeling and telling you all these. I think if I delete this post, what weigh in will show huh? After all a burdain seems to moving into the right direction to finally get OFF my poor shoulders!!!!

It is about time doing this for the real reasons, not just to weigh in!!!!

Posted by Argy at 6:16 pm
10 Comments:
Blogger Nikki said...

You're not the only one. My mood is tied to weigh ins. One of the reasons I stopped Weight Watchers. I just started again and in the morning I keep telling my self while I walk, "My mood is tied to my performance." I realized I needed to tie it to something and I have absolutely no control over the number on the scale (given that I do everything), but I have control over how I eat and exercise.

I also adore food. My personal confession: It is my best friend.

9:10 pm

 
Blogger Kate said...

Argy sister, I love this post. I love your honesty. I used to do the exact same weighing thing as you - and I'm starting to break free from it too. I realised the other day that it really doesn't matter about the scales - like it truly doesn't. I have hovered around the same weight for months and on almost a daily basis people are telling me I look slimmer, so really, the scales aren't all that helpful (especially on the days when I had got on, seen a gain, and then someone said I looked skinnier - that kinda messed with my brain).
I also was getting the guilts and doubting every area of my life when I wasn't being 'perfect' at the weight loss thing. Now I am letting go of all those things, the food thing is easier.

And I love the way you describe being on the bus, and it feeling like a movie or documentary - i know EXACTLY what you mean, exactly - I do it all the time. I was having a smoke with a friend the other day, and we were listening to one of our favourite albums, and at one point in the conversation it all became so unreal, and we decided we were listening to our soundtrack, and that this was actually our movie. Hehe, fun!

10:51 pm

 
Blogger Kate said...

ooops, change unreal to surreal!

10:52 pm

 
Blogger - u said...

i hear you so much on the food. i've nearly tried everything in terms of weight loss, but i never suceeded for more than a day or so with anything that made the food tasteless or left me really hungry. and that's probably better!
as of late, i haven't weighed myself in about 1 month or something. which is pretty surprising because i use to do the "weight in, pee, weigh in, try to eat grains, go to the loo again, pee as well again, weigh in" etc. lol and that point i either just stare at the scale (like that's going to change anything!) or just sulk for the rest of the day.

12:03 am

 
Anonymous lynda said...

Amen to all you just said... I have rejoined Weight Watchers today after resisting this for years. I lost 12 kilos on my own but now is the time for support and more information.

8:33 am

 
Blogger Lyn said...

All I think about on weighin day is my weighin so youre not alone

9:21 am

 
Blogger M said...

I think you have made a wise and well thought out decision. As much as your relationship with the scales was unhealthy, it would be equally unhealthy not to address the real reasons you want it put away. And you did. And it is great that you fixed a date for it's return because then you cannot trick yourself into thinking you are "scale deprived"

And I think measuring yourself at the same time is excellent. With all your step step stepping your size will go down quickly even if the scales do not (which I am sure they will too!)

Have a great weekend :)

1:19 pm

 
Blogger M@rla said...

My husband has forbidden me to have a scale in the house, because I do the exact same thing. I would weigh myself six or seven times a day, waiting for the number to drop. When it didn't, I was depressed and didn't want to continue my diet, it seemed hopeless. I know if I had a scale, I would have given up a long time ago.

2:09 pm

 
Anonymous dietgirl said...

argy! i feel so liberated after reading this! to be out and proud that you love food. this is such a brilliant entry, so much to think about...

3:04 pm

 
Blogger Mango said...

Thanks for letting me comment. Come visit me if you are into weight loss

9:39 am

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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