Because of the school of therapy I follow, I have some very strong moments at times. I will do the same thing that I have been doing all of my life, and suddenly, I will know why I do it. It comes like a light - bulb on the top of my head and the realisation will always stun me. This happens because in Body Psychotherapy, when you finally start to get in contact with your body, your body eventually will start "telling" you things. Or things well hidden or supressed inside your body will suddenly surface with a vengence.
Lately, for instance, I cry after sex. It just happens. After I reach my peak, I feel a sudden rush of sadness and tears will start falling. My shame and pain were realeased after that last marathon experience and they need to express themselves. They need to get out. At first I was shocked and it kind of put me off for a few days, but I realised that this has to be done, so I am not fighting it anymore. I try to be as silent as possible so that I do not freak out my poor husband, but I let it out while I sent him to fetch my smokes or a glass of water or whatever I can think of at the time.
My last appointment got re-scheduled at an earlier time yesterday, so I had to go back to the office. I worked till 6.30 and then left and walked 3 k, then took the bus and got home. I had a big piece of salmon defrosting for dinner. Fish. Yuck. I put it in an oven tray, and then suddenly remembered an old recipe I had thought of years ago for salmon and tada! I actually had a superyummy dinner of fish! The zest of 3 lemons, the juice of one, a banch of parsley, 3 Tsp of dijon mustard, curry powder, garlic powder, and sweet paprika all blended together form a nice paste to cover the salmon, and when it is baked, all this yuminess sort of stabilises the fishy smell and it was really very very good, eaten with steamed brocolli and cherry tomatoes!
After I put the fish in the oven, I washed some grapes, dried them and put them in a small plastic bag to freeze them for dessert. Angelos came around 9.30 really very tired, we ate dinner and we were teasing each other about who would fall asleep first. I was too very tired from too much walking for a first day. So I took the remaining of my grapes to bed, while Angelos were watching telly, to finish them while reading my book.
At the back of my mind was the thought that I overdid it on walking. My shins were killing me after I got home. They still ache this morning. Which made me think again what of an all or nothing type I am. I can be either dieting hard or eating bad. I can either walk like a maniac or not walk at all. And as I was thinking about these, I was eating my grapes my favourite way. I put as many grapes as I can in my mouth, and after touching them each and every one with my tongue, I would try and press my teeth around them all to feel my mouth filling with their sweet juice. As I was doing this last night I was telling to myself all cocky "why take a peice at a time when you can enjoy such fullness?!" And the next thought was "why just have an orgasm at a time when all parts of your body can feast together?" Light-bulb switched on!
I realised that the reason I want big mouthfulls of combined food, like a small piece of pitta bread with a small peice of feta with a small piece of tomato with a small piece of onion is my supressed sexuality as a teenager. When this body of mine was really aching to feel the touch, when this body of mine was aching to be fully explored. Because really, the pleasure I feel when the grape juice feels my mouth is the same pleasure I feel when a big tsp of nutella fills my mouth, which is the identical plesure I feel when I am making wild love. Not sweet, tender, loving love. Not when love making is a statement of the deep feelings between two people. The kind of love that is based on a primeval need. And I realised that no number of combined big mouthfulls will ever ease this feeling unless I treat it at its core. It was really very hard for me afterwards to eat the remaining 8 grapes one by one. Slowly. Not putting one after the other in my mouth as fast as I could.
I know I am about to go through some really very tough and interesting therapy sessions soon. And I also know I am finally heading towards the end of my road there. Which is both exciting and scary. What I really need to admit and accept though is that noone but me can decide when the end will come. I am the one to speed or slow the process. I have to consciously take the decision to stop procastinating and go for the last headlong dive that will give me all the freedom and happiness diving into finally clear blue waters can give.
Now I will take my achy shins and take them for a 4 k walk. And I just thought I will save this post as a draft and post it as soon as I go to work. I just thought of the perfect photo from the island that would do for this post!