Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Learn to enjoy JUST one!

Because of the school of therapy I follow, I have some very strong moments at times. I will do the same thing that I have been doing all of my life, and suddenly, I will know why I do it. It comes like a light - bulb on the top of my head and the realisation will always stun me. This happens because in Body Psychotherapy, when you finally start to get in contact with your body, your body eventually will start "telling" you things. Or things well hidden or supressed inside your body will suddenly surface with a vengence.

Lately, for instance, I cry after sex. It just happens. After I reach my peak, I feel a sudden rush of sadness and tears will start falling. My shame and pain were realeased after that last marathon experience and they need to express themselves. They need to get out. At first I was shocked and it kind of put me off for a few days, but I realised that this has to be done, so I am not fighting it anymore. I try to be as silent as possible so that I do not freak out my poor husband, but I let it out while I sent him to fetch my smokes or a glass of water or whatever I can think of at the time.

My last appointment got re-scheduled at an earlier time yesterday, so I had to go back to the office. I worked till 6.30 and then left and walked 3 k, then took the bus and got home. I had a big piece of salmon defrosting for dinner. Fish. Yuck. I put it in an oven tray, and then suddenly remembered an old recipe I had thought of years ago for salmon and tada! I actually had a superyummy dinner of fish! The zest of 3 lemons, the juice of one, a banch of parsley, 3 Tsp of dijon mustard, curry powder, garlic powder, and sweet paprika all blended together form a nice paste to cover the salmon, and when it is baked, all this yuminess sort of stabilises the fishy smell and it was really very very good, eaten with steamed brocolli and cherry tomatoes!

After I put the fish in the oven, I washed some grapes, dried them and put them in a small plastic bag to freeze them for dessert. Angelos came around 9.30 really very tired, we ate dinner and we were teasing each other about who would fall asleep first. I was too very tired from too much walking for a first day. So I took the remaining of my grapes to bed, while Angelos were watching telly, to finish them while reading my book.

At the back of my mind was the thought that I overdid it on walking. My shins were killing me after I got home. They still ache this morning. Which made me think again what of an all or nothing type I am. I can be either dieting hard or eating bad. I can either walk like a maniac or not walk at all. And as I was thinking about these, I was eating my grapes my favourite way. I put as many grapes as I can in my mouth, and after touching them each and every one with my tongue, I would try and press my teeth around them all to feel my mouth filling with their sweet juice. As I was doing this last night I was telling to myself all cocky "why take a peice at a time when you can enjoy such fullness?!" And the next thought was "why just have an orgasm at a time when all parts of your body can feast together?" Light-bulb switched on!

I realised that the reason I want big mouthfulls of combined food, like a small piece of pitta bread with a small peice of feta with a small piece of tomato with a small piece of onion is my supressed sexuality as a teenager. When this body of mine was really aching to feel the touch, when this body of mine was aching to be fully explored. Because really, the pleasure I feel when the grape juice feels my mouth is the same pleasure I feel when a big tsp of nutella fills my mouth, which is the identical plesure I feel when I am making wild love. Not sweet, tender, loving love. Not when love making is a statement of the deep feelings between two people. The kind of love that is based on a primeval need. And I realised that no number of combined big mouthfulls will ever ease this feeling unless I treat it at its core. It was really very hard for me afterwards to eat the remaining 8 grapes one by one. Slowly. Not putting one after the other in my mouth as fast as I could.

I know I am about to go through some really very tough and interesting therapy sessions soon. And I also know I am finally heading towards the end of my road there. Which is both exciting and scary. What I really need to admit and accept though is that noone but me can decide when the end will come. I am the one to speed or slow the process. I have to consciously take the decision to stop procastinating and go for the last headlong dive that will give me all the freedom and happiness diving into finally clear blue waters can give.

Now I will take my achy shins and take them for a 4 k walk. And I just thought I will save this post as a draft and post it as soon as I go to work. I just thought of the perfect photo from the island that would do for this post!

Posted by Argy at 9:02 am
6 Comments:
Blogger Kate said...

Beautiful photo, beautiful post. I love the beauty of people looking within themselves and seeing what they can find. I love how you think about things, and then tell us here.

I hope your shins don't ache too much. Mine have been sore too - but only while exercising. The new shoes are helping though!

12:21 pm

 
Anonymous dg said...

:) you are so lovely, mate

5:49 pm

 
Blogger M@rla said...

This is such a good post and so interesting. I know it is a serious subject, but I must laugh at the image of you with nine grapes in your mouth, trying to touch them all with your tongue. That is so cute.

1:28 am

 
Blogger Mary said...

WOW, that's how I am feeling with yoga and meditation now. Our bodies will tell us things but we must be open to it and then there it is!

You are going through some extraordianary revelations right now and I hope it does become much clearer for you. I think that you will never come to an end of this process though because life is the journey. You continue to exist, explore and love but the way you react and feel about things will be constantly evolving and changing.

Acknowledging the past and letting it go is a big step too. Once you can do this, you are able to continue on your journey, choosing your paths at every opportunity. Hopefully you will be more at peace with your mind, body and spirit.

8:45 am

 
Blogger M said...

The photo is so clear, so blue, so calm. I hope your shins calm down soon for you.

Have a great day today :)

1:55 pm

 
Blogger Catesa said...

was going to post yesterday but something about the way you explained your feelings made me ashamed because i feel the same way, you are exploring the past and understanding why but im shutting it away and ignoring it. you are such a star Argy, you are very brave to explore this side of yourself. ive still got so far too go *sigh* xox

2:38 pm

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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