There are many things that occupy my mind all day long. It is a chain of things that follow me all day and then visit me in different forms of dreams all night.
All of them are related to weightloss. And most of them if not all have started ever since I returned home from holidays.
Is there something I should be doing different? Will there ever be a time where I will be able to conquer weekends? Should I be less "into" it all week so that I will not feel fed up about it come Saturday night? Will I ever be able to enjoy a pizza with my husband on a Saturday night like a normal person? Is it ok that I did a round of 11.000 steps on Friday and then just 3.456 on Saturday and then none on Sunday? And if there was a waterproof pedometer, would my swiming on Sunday have counted for a few thousands of steps? Am I really different than I used to be or this is just a role I am currently playing?
I have been having all these thoughts all day long for the past week or more perhaps.
I am ashamed to tell you that it is not more than a few minutes back that made me realise the reason. And this is the reason I am posting, although I should be going home, since today was a surprisingly quiet day at work, and I should go home early while I can.
The reason for all these thoughts is plain, simple, and ugly.
I am really wishing for a quick fix. A fairy god mother that will come with her magic spells and take away 19 kilos of lard from my body. Overnight. Actually in 3 ickle seconds. Cos her spell should be that quick. I want to be normal and not have to obsess about diet. I do not want to feel proud of eating fish and watching my portions and working out. I just want to not to have to do all these!!!
I do not know what is wrong with me really. But I have to admit that something is. I do not feel guilty because I had not a good weekend eating wise. I actually was really very diligent. And because of this I suspect I had a bad weekend. Living - wise.
Saturday was big cleaning day. I cleaned the house spotless. Then Angelos came home from work and we went to the farmers' market. Then to my brother's shop for more fish. Then to the supermarket for detergents and napkins and the likes. Then to the organic shop for pasta and flour and yogurt and eggs and seeds and feta. Then home finally at 5 in the afternoon. I was up since 8 am!
We ate some grilled fish for a late lunch and then took a nap for a couple of hours and when we woke up we were both still knackered. Our late Friday night with the girls (for me) and the boys (for him) combined with all these chores really had us both feeling like zombies.
"What do you want to do tonight?" I asked him. "Stay in, eat pizza and watch any dvd" he said. "Fine" I said, I'll ring for the pizza and I'll go get it to walk some more, and you go get the dvd's"
So I called Pizza Hat, ordered his pizza (family classic crust half of it peperoni lovers and half of it cyprus lovers) and mine (medium thin and crispy crust margarita with onions and mushrooms and please, put as little cheese as possible, if you could actually put just 1/5 of the cheese you usually put I would really be thankful).
And I walked to the shop to take them and he went to the video club to get the movies.
And ever since I see more of that kind of dreams and feel really frustrated.
Yet, I am going to walk now on my way home and go and cook some fish for dinner! And wonder if it is just my hormones as I am approaching ovulation, or the stress I am having concerning the results of my ovulation, or simply the fact that I am a spoiled brat and deep deep inside still hoped that a bit more than 4 years back I had never eaten myself to 130 kilos so that I would not have to work hard and loose 60 of them!!!!!