Monday, September 12, 2005
Random thoughts form insane questions that give not so nice answers!
There are many things that occupy my mind all day long. It is a chain of things that follow me all day and then visit me in different forms of dreams all night.
All of them are related to weightloss. And most of them if not all have started ever since I returned home from holidays.
Is there something I should be doing different? Will there ever be a time where I will be able to conquer weekends? Should I be less "into" it all week so that I will not feel fed up about it come Saturday night? Will I ever be able to enjoy a pizza with my husband on a Saturday night like a normal person? Is it ok that I did a round of 11.000 steps on Friday and then just 3.456 on Saturday and then none on Sunday? And if there was a waterproof pedometer, would my swiming on Sunday have counted for a few thousands of steps? Am I really different than I used to be or this is just a role I am currently playing?
I have been having all these thoughts all day long for the past week or more perhaps.
I am ashamed to tell you that it is not more than a few minutes back that made me realise the reason. And this is the reason I am posting, although I should be going home, since today was a surprisingly quiet day at work, and I should go home early while I can.
The reason for all these thoughts is plain, simple, and ugly.
I am really wishing for a quick fix. A fairy god mother that will come with her magic spells and take away 19 kilos of lard from my body. Overnight. Actually in 3 ickle seconds. Cos her spell should be that quick. I want to be normal and not have to obsess about diet. I do not want to feel proud of eating fish and watching my portions and working out. I just want to not to have to do all these!!!
I do not know what is wrong with me really. But I have to admit that something is. I do not feel guilty because I had not a good weekend eating wise. I actually was really very diligent. And because of this I suspect I had a bad weekend. Living - wise.
Saturday was big cleaning day. I cleaned the house spotless. Then Angelos came home from work and we went to the farmers' market. Then to my brother's shop for more fish. Then to the supermarket for detergents and napkins and the likes. Then to the organic shop for pasta and flour and yogurt and eggs and seeds and feta. Then home finally at 5 in the afternoon. I was up since 8 am!
We ate some grilled fish for a late lunch and then took a nap for a couple of hours and when we woke up we were both still knackered. Our late Friday night with the girls (for me) and the boys (for him) combined with all these chores really had us both feeling like zombies.
"What do you want to do tonight?" I asked him. "Stay in, eat pizza and watch any dvd" he said. "Fine" I said, I'll ring for the pizza and I'll go get it to walk some more, and you go get the dvd's"
So I called Pizza Hat, ordered his pizza (family classic crust half of it peperoni lovers and half of it cyprus lovers) and mine (medium thin and crispy crust margarita with onions and mushrooms and please, put as little cheese as possible, if you could actually put just 1/5 of the cheese you usually put I would really be thankful).
And I walked to the shop to take them and he went to the video club to get the movies.
And ever since I see more of that kind of dreams and feel really frustrated.
Yet, I am going to walk now on my way home and go and cook some fish for dinner! And wonder if it is just my hormones as I am approaching ovulation, or the stress I am having concerning the results of my ovulation, or simply the fact that I am a spoiled brat and deep deep inside still hoped that a bit more than 4 years back I had never eaten myself to 130 kilos so that I would not have to work hard and loose 60 of them!!!!!
All of them are related to weightloss. And most of them if not all have started ever since I returned home from holidays.
Is there something I should be doing different? Will there ever be a time where I will be able to conquer weekends? Should I be less "into" it all week so that I will not feel fed up about it come Saturday night? Will I ever be able to enjoy a pizza with my husband on a Saturday night like a normal person? Is it ok that I did a round of 11.000 steps on Friday and then just 3.456 on Saturday and then none on Sunday? And if there was a waterproof pedometer, would my swiming on Sunday have counted for a few thousands of steps? Am I really different than I used to be or this is just a role I am currently playing?
I have been having all these thoughts all day long for the past week or more perhaps.
I am ashamed to tell you that it is not more than a few minutes back that made me realise the reason. And this is the reason I am posting, although I should be going home, since today was a surprisingly quiet day at work, and I should go home early while I can.
The reason for all these thoughts is plain, simple, and ugly.
I am really wishing for a quick fix. A fairy god mother that will come with her magic spells and take away 19 kilos of lard from my body. Overnight. Actually in 3 ickle seconds. Cos her spell should be that quick. I want to be normal and not have to obsess about diet. I do not want to feel proud of eating fish and watching my portions and working out. I just want to not to have to do all these!!!
I do not know what is wrong with me really. But I have to admit that something is. I do not feel guilty because I had not a good weekend eating wise. I actually was really very diligent. And because of this I suspect I had a bad weekend. Living - wise.
Saturday was big cleaning day. I cleaned the house spotless. Then Angelos came home from work and we went to the farmers' market. Then to my brother's shop for more fish. Then to the supermarket for detergents and napkins and the likes. Then to the organic shop for pasta and flour and yogurt and eggs and seeds and feta. Then home finally at 5 in the afternoon. I was up since 8 am!
We ate some grilled fish for a late lunch and then took a nap for a couple of hours and when we woke up we were both still knackered. Our late Friday night with the girls (for me) and the boys (for him) combined with all these chores really had us both feeling like zombies.
"What do you want to do tonight?" I asked him. "Stay in, eat pizza and watch any dvd" he said. "Fine" I said, I'll ring for the pizza and I'll go get it to walk some more, and you go get the dvd's"
So I called Pizza Hat, ordered his pizza (family classic crust half of it peperoni lovers and half of it cyprus lovers) and mine (medium thin and crispy crust margarita with onions and mushrooms and please, put as little cheese as possible, if you could actually put just 1/5 of the cheese you usually put I would really be thankful).
And I walked to the shop to take them and he went to the video club to get the movies.
And ever since I see more of that kind of dreams and feel really frustrated.
Yet, I am going to walk now on my way home and go and cook some fish for dinner! And wonder if it is just my hormones as I am approaching ovulation, or the stress I am having concerning the results of my ovulation, or simply the fact that I am a spoiled brat and deep deep inside still hoped that a bit more than 4 years back I had never eaten myself to 130 kilos so that I would not have to work hard and loose 60 of them!!!!!
Posted by Argy at 5:14 pm
About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.
Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs
Previous Posts
- Don't just assume honey!
- The gadget
- Fish & Shins
- Learn to enjoy JUST one!
- The challenge
- The truth is...
- Trying...
- Part II
- Our little paradise, Part I
- Evidence!!!!
Links
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dietgirl
Cat
Denise
Kate
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ms ralph
Very well said once again! I feel exactly the same way. I do so well during the week, but the time the weekend rolls around I am exhausted - mentally & physically - and I don't want to have to devote so much time to planning meals plus exercise. I want a break! I need to come up with a different want to nuture & reward my self, but damn - a movie and pizza sound heavenly! Thanks again for posting, you always have a way to get me thinking!
8:29 pm
I'm starting to think that "normal" (as in being able to eat whatever and not worry about gaining weight) is actually not all that normal. The more I talk with people who maintain a healthy weight, the more I realize that they too are managing it - in subtle, less vocal ways, maybe. Of course, there are people with monsterous overactive metabolisms (like my husband) who really can eat whatever they want and never gain weight, but I don't think they're the norm. (And even my husband is moderate in his ice cream consumption - he has other motivations - like keeping his cholesterol in check.)
So maybe the wish is that the fairy godmother bestow upon you an abnormally active metabolism? :-)
8:46 pm
I am in total agreement with you. This battle sucks, it really does. It is hard work plain and simple. I also feel the same way about the great divide between what I do and eat during the week and then the person I turn into on the weekend. I eat anything and everything on the weekend these days, and it is showing up on the scale and in my jeans! I'm frustrated, but working on it. Lets motivate each other! I am going to do everything I can to have a healthy weekend this one coming up, and then try to make it a habit. :)
3:10 am
well you're not alone in wanting a magic fairy to come along, how perfectly simple that would be... and you know i dont think you could ever eat your way up to 130 again, even if you are comfortable where you are. maintaining this weight is almost like second nature to you now. pushing through and giving that extra effort is just the annoying part of not wanting to be in that comfort zone anymore. you know deep down what you really want and you are the kind of 'go to it' woman that will put up with the irritating part to achieve those results. if you think of all youve accomplished life wise, your own business and a beautiful home, a firm established loving relationship.... this weight thing is almost too easy compared to all that and i KNOW you will do it because thats the kind of woman you are. of course its still fun to daydream about weight fairy :)
12:02 pm
damn, you are hard on yourself though. i mean, you made a good choice with that pizza! no greasy meats, hardly any cheese, thin crust... i think that is a good compromise! that is balance!
4:04 pm
LOL. Only today have I been thinking about the quick fix. It has been a long time since I wished I would wake up with the body of my dreams and no longer have to battle it. I think this has to do with the recent gains. I think these are thoughts that will always be with us, and in our stronger moments they fly out as quickly as they fly in. But in those other moments..... ;)
1:24 pm
i still, today, dream of a quick fix... can't help it. so i completely understand. (this said, i also know it isn't possible!)
and by the way, you need to re-look yourself in the mirror. you are hooooooot! "lucky photo"... my big behind as they say! ;op you were/are hot on several shots! (actually, on all the shots where you are! lol) oh. and if we had been together at the same time in brussels! honey we would have set people's tastebuds on fire!!!!! lol
12:36 am
i agree with diet girl though! you made a great choice!
12:37 am
Normal for me just is fish, rice, vegetables, no cheese or meat, no butter, nothing processed or fried. it is expensive to live this way, and it takes a lot of thought and planning. i'm very bad about exercise. i've lost 30lbs and kept it off for two years. i want to lose another 15 & be the same size i was in high school.
1:01 am
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