Wednesday, August 04, 2004
The mornings have become blissful. My husband is not working and we wake up together. After the cuddles, I go to my study, and turn on the puter to start reading on the blogs, while he is making me coffee, which he brings in, leaves it on my desk, and quietly disappears, till I properly wake up and am sociable and fun to talk to. Cos I'm a loner in the mornings, and need my time alone.

So after having my coffee and daily reads today, I turned the puter off, and went to the living room to see him. I thanked him for being so nice and leaving me alone to do my morning routine without complaining for not having breakfast with him, etc. I told him how thankful I am to have someone take care of me the way he does.

He looked at me very seriously. For about a minute he was silent. He then said "I am thankful too you know". I rushed to say something but he stopped me. He said "I am thankful for the way you take care of yourself " I was stunned! Because for a second there I had actual images of me, of us, of him. Images of before, and images of now. And I really felt thankful. So I decided to list some things that were and not are anymore. And some things that weren't and now are:

Things that used to be

* I weighed 130 kilos
* I woke up in the morning sick from the food I had the last day
* I detested what I was seeing in the mirror
* I was uncomfortable all the time
* I had back pains and swollen foot all the time
* I was sarcastic to every person saying anything sweet or nice to me
* I was angry from the time I woke up to the time I slept
* I was not brushing my teeth at night
* I was feeling horrible in the mornings when I was showering and had to actually touch my body
* I thought I was going to eat myself to my death some day. For minutes before I drifted to sleep I used to beg God to let me live and not die in my sleep cos of the amounts of food in my stomach.
* I always felt that my family and friends loved me cos they had to, since they were family and old friends, and not cos I deserved it, since, after all, I looked and was horrible
* I was smoking pot so that I would have an excuse for my late night binges being caused my the munchies and not by my humendous appetite
* I was distant to my partner no matter whatever effort he put on approaching me
* I was dreading meeting a potential customer because I was certain I wouldn't get the account due to the way I looked
* I always thought that no matter how much weight I loose I will always be fat, since loosing 60 kilos needed a good number of years of hard work, and I thought I was not capable of sticking to a diet.
* I was discouraged to try since I had gained and lost big amounts of weigh in the past to gain it all back plus more.

Things that actually are now:

* I have worked hard in many different ways since 2001 and have accomplished a loss of 42 kilos
* I shower twice a day so that I can put more body lotion on and feel myself
* I love going shopping
* I take time in getting ready and like spending time in front of the mirror!
* My family and friends are no more afraid to talk to me
* I wake up in the morning all happy for the new day and all ready for my exercise
* Food is a pleasurable fuel and not my death anymore
* I feel I can conquer the world some days
* I have made 3 new customers in the last month
* I actually dream about the future
* I brush and floss my teeth before bed
* I am having an affair with my husband
* I am confident that I will loose the remaining 18 kilos
* I am hopeful I will keep it off for good
* I feel grumpy if I don't exercise for a couple of days in a row
* I am thankful for the gift of life

Now I wrote all this down, I suddenly had a feeling of insecurity. I do not want you to feel that I am smug or egoistical or too fond of myself.

I just want to put this down for my own good. Because putting it down makes me remember and appreciate. Putting it down makes me accountable. Putting it down makes me to never want to go back. Putting it down proves that it is doable. And I want to tell you all, that if I can do it, then anyone can.

I am nervous about leaving for holidays. This is also one reason for putting my list down. Holidays mean no routine. No routine means challenges.

My husband eats a lot and adores a good meal with a good wine. And he is of the lucky kind to eat for four and maintain a six pack. Surely he works out a lot. He is the very energetic type and moves all the time. Last night he asked me hesitantly. "Honey, when we go to the island, will you still eat that little?" I laughed because I knew what he really wanted to ask: "Honey, when we go to the island, will we enjoy a meal a day together or will I go on feeling bad for eating what I eat while you only have salad?"

I know that lately it is a little frustrating for him. Now he isnt working I know he is having fast food lunches, pasta, pizza, etc. all the things that are sort of forbidden in our household. And he is the kind of person who enjoys a good meal with company. He loves commenting on the taste and stuff.

And the truth is I am nervous because I enjoy a good restaurant a lot when I am in holidays. And I am afraid to eat "normal" because I either binge or am dieting. The normal inbetween is still something of an almost unfamiliar territory. Surely, the last couple of months I was loosing and gaining the same couple of kilos and considered myself maintaining, but yet, I was at home, I had the treadmill, and most of all the scales to tell me every day how I was doing.

And surely the scales are hidden and get out once a week now, but they are handy if needed.

How do I do when on holidays? Weighin in some "foreign" scales might show a loss or gain that aint real. How do I control myself without being too picky and without depriving my partner from his beloved dinners in nice restaurants during holidays?

I have to come up with a plan. A flexible one. And I have to stop typing too. Because this post resembles a novel in length again!

Posted by Argy at 12:03 pm
Blogger Linda said...

Great Post!!
A lot of people gauge themselves by the way their clothes feel so while on hoiday just take note of how your clothes are feeling if they are getting a bit tight then cut back slightly or do even more exercise but it is your holiday so ENJOY!!

1:50 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your lists. Don't dare feel any bad feelings about posting them. They are part of you and your journey and it's a great idea to write them down for you -- and the whole world -- to see. I think I'm long overdo for my own lists.

As for your upcoming vacation, don't stress over it too much. Because holidays are to be enjoyed, not stressed over. If you *want* to eat out on occasion, then do so. You can still eat a decent meal and make healthy food choices -- it just takes a little bit of will power and descretion. And you do have both!

Whatever you do, though, do NOT step on someone else's scales. I was so tempted to do that at my in-laws this past week, but ultimately opted NOT to because I know what would have happened. Just be patient and weigh-in when you get back home.

You'll do fine. You're a confident and smart woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. Just remember that and all will go well.


2:11 pm

Blogger Shauny said...

you are just so gorgeous and inspiring... thank you :)

3:04 pm

Blogger Shauny said...

as for your holiday, maybe just try limiting the fancier meals to one per day, have a light breakfast/dinner and have a nice fancy lunch, or swap it around. and walk on the beach a lot. and have lots of sex. see, you will get plenty of exercise :P

3:53 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just landed back home from three weeks of beach-holiday - my style to cope with eating on holiday is choosing few semi-healthy treats that I'm allowed to eat no-limits, and completely deny everything else (I'm not the one who can taste a little bit of everything, it's all or nothing for me :))

My Semi-Healthy-Holiday-Treats were full fat (yolks too, butter on a pan) omelettes, all fruit I can stuff in myself, all meat and all vegetables, no matter how prepared (=including vegetables with butter, cream etc.). Complete denial list consisted of ice cream, candy, dessert, chips and all other alcohol except red wine. I was doing pretty well, and after my holiday -> no weight gain!! But I guess everyone has to find what suits best for one self.

Have a nice day dear Silverella :)


4:59 pm

Blogger Angel said...

I loved that entry about you and about you & your husband. I got tears in my eyes readin git as I was so touched. Sounds like you both have somthing very special. I know the feeling and it is so nice to read about your happy times and being thankful for the goodness in your life. I really appreciate you sharing this and being so open. You sound like an amazing person :)

7:47 am


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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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