The mornings have become blissful. My husband is not working and we wake up together. After the cuddles, I go to my study, and turn on the puter to start reading on the blogs, while he is making me coffee, which he brings in, leaves it on my desk, and quietly disappears, till I properly wake up and am sociable and fun to talk to. Cos I'm a loner in the mornings, and need my time alone.
So after having my coffee and daily reads today, I turned the puter off, and went to the living room to see him. I thanked him for being so nice and leaving me alone to do my morning routine without complaining for not having breakfast with him, etc. I told him how thankful I am to have someone take care of me the way he does.
He looked at me very seriously. For about a minute he was silent. He then said "I am thankful too you know". I rushed to say something but he stopped me. He said "I am thankful for the way you
take care of yourself " I was stunned! Because for a second there I had actual images of me, of us, of him. Images of before, and images of now. And I really felt thankful. So I decided to list some things that were and not are anymore. And some things that weren't and now are:
Things that used to be
* I weighed 130 kilos
* I woke up in the morning sick from the food I had the last day
* I detested what I was seeing in the mirror
* I was uncomfortable all the time
* I had back pains and swollen foot all the time
* I was sarcastic to every person saying anything sweet or nice to me
* I was angry from the time I woke up to the time I slept
* I was not brushing my teeth at night
* I was feeling horrible in the mornings when I was showering and had to actually touch my body
* I thought I was going to eat myself to my death some day. For minutes before I drifted to sleep I used to beg God to let me live and not die in my sleep cos of the amounts of food in my stomach.
* I always felt that my family and friends loved me cos they had to, since they were family and old friends, and not cos I deserved it, since, after all, I looked and was horrible
* I was smoking pot so that I would have an excuse for my late night binges being caused my the munchies and not by my humendous appetite
* I was distant to my partner no matter whatever effort he put on approaching me
* I was dreading meeting a potential customer because I was certain I wouldn't get the account due to the way I looked
* I always thought that no matter how much weight I loose I will always be fat, since loosing 60 kilos needed a good number of years of hard work, and I thought I was not capable of sticking to a diet.
* I was discouraged to try since I had gained and lost big amounts of weigh in the past to gain it all back plus more.
Things that actually are now
* I have worked hard in many different ways since 2001 and have accomplished a loss of 42 kilos
* I shower twice a day so that I can put more body lotion on and feel myself
* I love going shopping
* I take time in getting ready and like spending time in front of the mirror!
* My family and friends are no more afraid to talk to me
* I wake up in the morning all happy for the new day and all ready for my exercise
* Food is a pleasurable fuel and not my death anymore
* I feel I can conquer the world some days
* I have made 3 new customers in the last month
* I actually dream about the future
* I brush and floss my teeth before bed
* I am having an affair with my husband
* I am confident that I will loose the remaining 18 kilos
* I am hopeful I will keep it off for good
* I feel grumpy if I don't exercise for a couple of days in a row
* I am thankful for the gift of life
Now I wrote all this down, I suddenly had a feeling of insecurity. I do not want you to feel that I am smug or egoistical or too fond of myself.
I just want to put this down for my own good. Because putting it down makes me remember and appreciate. Putting it down makes me accountable. Putting it down makes me to never want to go back. Putting it down proves that it is doable. And I want to tell you all, that if I can do it, then anyone can.
I am nervous about leaving for holidays. This is also one reason for putting my list down. Holidays mean no routine. No routine means challenges.
My husband eats a lot and adores a good meal with a good wine. And he is of the lucky kind to eat for four and maintain a six pack. Surely he works out a lot. He is the very energetic type and moves all the time. Last night he asked me hesitantly. "Honey, when we go to the island, will you still eat that little?" I laughed because I knew what he really wanted to ask: "Honey, when we go to the island, will we enjoy a meal a day together or will I go on feeling bad for eating what I eat while you only have salad?"
I know that lately it is a little frustrating for him. Now he isnt working I know he is having fast food lunches, pasta, pizza, etc. all the things that are sort of forbidden in our household. And he is the kind of person who enjoys a good meal with company. He loves commenting on the taste and stuff.
And the truth is I am nervous because I enjoy a good restaurant a lot when I am in holidays. And I am afraid to eat "normal" because I either binge or am dieting. The normal inbetween is still something of an almost unfamiliar territory. Surely, the last couple of months I was loosing and gaining the same couple of kilos and considered myself maintaining, but yet, I was at home, I had the treadmill, and most of all the scales to tell me every day how I was doing.
And surely the scales are hidden and get out once a week now, but they are handy if needed.
How do I do when on holidays? Weighin in some "foreign" scales might show a loss or gain that aint real. How do I control myself without being too picky and without depriving my partner from his beloved dinners in nice restaurants during holidays?
I have to come up with a plan. A flexible one. And I have to stop typing too. Because this post resembles a novel in length again!