I do not know where to begin again. I still have the tenths of posts I've "written" in my head and never took the time to transfer here and I'm,once more, lost as to where I left this and where I am now.
Life has decided to throw all the pebles in one go. Work is incredibly ...ummm.... complicated let's say, to the point of having my boss casually mention that perhaps I should not leave for holidays on Thursday, and stay till the end of the week. This would not have been horrible, unless you take into consideration that we've already paid 233 euros for our ferry tickets, and the next ferry to our paradise island is not before next Tuesday, and has no cabins or car spaces free. So if its not on August 3rd, then it has to be on the 10th.
Then, for the first time in many years, Angelos and I are having relationship problems. Two over tired and over worked people, each wanting just to be taken care of is not a nice combination. We both feel neglected from each other and we both expect too much. We do these endless conversations that lead nowhere and the next day something comes up again. I think we pulled the strings too much last Friday, and we spent the weekend with concsious effort from both parts to relax and have fun. So on Saturday he took the day off work, we went shopping, to a nice restaurant for lunch, then home to nap, and then we went out in the evening and saw a silly boys' movie in a gorgeous open air cinema. Sunday found us spending the afternoon in the beach, early evening in bed, and then bbq'ed a yummy mixed grill for his parents and brother.
You know, I don't glow anymore. I've lost almost all the winter weight gain, I'm back at 88, which is exactly the weight I was at last summer, and yet, I feel very fat and unattractive. You think that this does not have an effect in my relationship? You think that I am not making him see me through my eyes? I surely do, and then I compare myself to his perfect six pack and get insane.
We really need these holidays. Really need them. I am thinking that this should be our last summer without a kid. I know that 9 years of marriage with one spouse wanting a child from the start and one being uncertain about having one is not good. Now that we both want one I think I should finally stop procrastinating and just do it. I know he feels that I do not trust him to be a good father. Which is not the case at all. But I cannot make him believe the opposite. He feels that I am not trusting him to support me emotionally either. He feels this because I keep all my work problems to myself. I dont tell him things. He thinks I do not trust him. I try to explain to him that I am not allowed to tell. He can't undestand this. And I hurt him while I hurt myself from not being able to share, not being allowed to talk about things.
I also know that we will get through this. We have gone through worse and we have managed. However, we are both growing. We are both having a bit of a middle life crisis as we are both in the same age and we are both approaching the 40's.
It makes me wonder you know. Does this really worth it? The bigger house, the endless pairs of shoes, the closets full of clothes, the dinners in fancy restaurants? Does this really make sense? Two people working at least 12 hours a day, for what?
I also understood something else during the weekend. We, weight loss bloggers, have spent thousands of words describing the willpower and strength one needs to stick to the plan. I have found out that it takes the same willpower and strength to binge too.Perhaps it takes more. Of strength I mean. It takes a lot to step on your dream and crash it by eating pints of icecream and french fries smothered in mayo. Not that I binged or anything. But I was so close to this on Sunday, as I was watching the grilled pitas and the grilled feta with garlic poder and cayene pepper, and was imagining of dipping the pitas in the olive oil where all the juice of the tomato was floating, and the scent of new onions was so fragrant, and was thinking about this pita(s) covered with the melted feta on top of the olive oil and then bits of tomato on it, and me having 4 of those, and realised that I was using all my strength at that time to overcome my dream of finally loosing the last and rest of the weight. And I was really using all my resources at that point. I was really using my logic to persuade myself how much I "deserve" to indulge once in a while to something yummy and healthy, cos hey!, olive oil is good for you, whole grain pita is healthy, garlic is good, and organic feta is full of calcium goodness.
Who am I trying to fool?
When you get to an age, and one day you realise that you have more behind you than you have ahead of you, and yes, I am talking about years, and you also realise that these years are not going to be all productive and vibrant, like the ones you have behind, you feel like when you are in the shower, enjoying the hot steamy water, and suddenly someone turns on another tap, and the water suddenly gets very cold. And while you were in your steamy dreamy state, you wake up. And yoou realise you want someone to be there so there is coffee for you to smell.
I have neglected so much. It is almost hard to decide where to start and mend. I should start from myself though. I have to find what's mine in order to be able to give again.
Right. Not a happy post. I am expecting my period too. Im a day late actually, but took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. Both a relief and a disappointment. I cant leave for our secluded island if Im pregant, with no doctors or hospitals in case of an emergency. And we really need these 3 weeks away. Just us. Loving each other from the start. And making our baby with the surpluss of this love. Cos its there. Its just dusted a bit. And we both have to get the dust mops and get to business.
I will see you again before Thursday. Our ferry leaves at 4 pm. And we better be in it you know!