I am really very relaxed. A bit hormonal since I had my period yesterday evening, but really very relaxed.
There comes the time when the questionmarks instead of rulling my world are put aside because the answer is not important anymore. What is important is actually the ability to question.
Take me a bit closer to the truly important stuff in life, and I gain my perspective again. And you will ask: "but this was the second time that this happened, did you not got it already from the first?" And I will reply that unfortunately, I'm the kind of woman who needs to get things repeated to her in order to really grasp them.
The forever learning process needs repetition. And I am currently learning that dealing with one part of your life at a time is no good. I am, yet again, trying to distinguish among the things that make me sad, angry, scared, happy, relaxed, pleased.
I have been so silly really. So work was making me angry and crazy and I really had to put my entire energy and concentration on this? And not on the relaxation and content my husband was waiting to offer me? I had to feel terribly bad about myself because I gained 4 kilos in 4 horrible months, instead of patting my emotional eater of a shoulder and tell me bravo for managing to stop this at this ickle number only?
I have been unfair to my life. And I am apologising. And I need to admit why too. Because don't you think that I got all wise and serene all of the sudden. I actually went through another heart - stopping fear again. The one of loss. The one that makes you feel totally helpless and inadequate.
So early April my mom had her normal three month tests. She then told me all were clear. Because I was so burried in my tremendous workload and office madness, my mother did not tell me that they found an 1cm mass in her left lung, a mass that was going to be checked in a scan middle of June.
Middle of June my mom had her scan. Because I was burried in the madness of the aftermath of that project, my mom did not tell me that the mass showed an increase of 1mm during the two months. But on June 25, my dad told me that my mother was supposed to go to the hospital cos they saw some liquid in her lung and they wanted to check it. I went into another panic. My mom was swearing to me it was just liquid, probably from a series of bad colds she had in the winter and they just wanted to give her the right treatment.
So on our wedding anniversary, June 28, my mom went to the hospital. We saw the pneumonologist, and he asked her: where is your scan? She replied she had left it in the hospital, so it would be given to him. He then turned to me and asked me to go to the lower level and ask for her scan and get it to him. I saw my mother's face change but did not really pay much attention then. I went to the lower level, got the scan, opened the envelope, took out the report and read it: An increase in the mass of 1 cm found in the previous scan (April 14). The mass is now 1.1 cm. This may be caused by the patient's breathing.
So right there I realised that my mother was in the hospital for another biopsy and I had no idea! Right there I realised that despite the therapy, depsite how close I have gotten to the core of myself, despite how persistant I am about giving all the attention to the important and the small things in life, I, for once again, had concentrated on the tree and had missed the entire forest.
The biopsy results are out and this little mass is a silly virus that will be dealt with with a bit of antibiotics. I love this little virus for being just that!
Everything in life depends on a decision. Everything is about the choises I make. What makes me spent 60 euros and an hour a week in my therapists place is the series of decisions I have taken in the past and my total stubbornness to change those decisions that do not seem to work anymore for me. What makes me feel still while my need is for motion is very simple and was indeed hard to admit, so please, I honestly ask you to pat my shoulder and congratulate me for coming here today and admit this to you. Cos you are the first to know. Pan, the therapist, will hear this on Wednesday ;)
I want my pie whole and the dog fed too.
I want 37 pairs of shoes and I want to save money too.
I want to eat Valhrona Sorbet and maintain my weight loss to the grammar
I want to work like an addict and still have a giving husband
I want to sleep in on weekdays and I want to take my time to read blogs and have coffee and take my shower and be calm when I get ready for work
I want to add more olive oil in my tomato salad and lose weight
I want to scream when I feel like screaming and yet get no screams back
I want a low responsibility job and the pay of a high responsibility one
I want to have a perfect marriage and have my husband do most of the work
I want my life to move forward and I do not want to push too hard either
In other words my dear friends, if you go to Webster Dictionary, you may as well see my picture instead of any other explanation next to the word "bratish"!
I am not too hard on myself. Don't rush to pat me in the back and say so. I am just brutally and raw honest. And I am not like that all the time. I am also giving and considerate, tender and loving, I do my fair share of sacrifices for the general good, I really am a good woman. But I am still the 2 year old that had been announced the world's grand princess upon birth, had been treated like one, and suddenly had a baby brother to share the attention, the love, and the room with.
I have indeed worked hard for the things I have in my life. The relationships, the people, the job, the house, the 37 pairs of shoes. However, still, when I am being pushed to my limits, my tendency is to return to the inner baby brat and act like her in a more sophisticated and adult way of course. A very artistically created facade. But although noone hears the sound, I still stomp my foot in the ground.
This week, was all about taking a deep breath before stomping that foot. And it has been brilliant.
Since Monday (morning weigh in 90.2) I have eaten good. Not perfect, but good. And the not perfect part applies to not having breakfast every day but 3 out of 5. Not having lunch every day but 3 out of five. See, when I had breakfast I was hungry for lunch. When I had just coffee for breakfast, I suddenly heard my stomach grumbling around 7 in the evening.
I have had very good and balanced dinners. Big ones, but within my daily allowance of 24 points. I gave myself 24 points to start with. The days with no lunch I ate fewer points for dinner. And I am exercising again!
On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I woke up at 6am (here is where you are supposed to cover me in bravos again ;), my friend Sofia and her mom picked me up around 7, we were at the beach by 7.20, in the water from 7.30 till 8.30, back home by 9, quick shower and out of the house and in the bus stop by 9.30!
In other words, I sacrificed my morning internet/coffee/slowly waking up/showering/slowly getting ready routine for my morning exercise. And in return, I have been able to handdle all siliness and madness of work with the serenity swimming for an hour at 7.30 in the morning gives me. And have also slept so much better and so much more easier and earlier the last three nights!
In the same note, there is Valhrona Sorbet in our freezer intact since Sunday night. Angelos has a couple of spoonfuls each evening while I have a huge slice of cold watermelon.
And I am going to make an effort to blog at least twice a week. I will sacrifice a bit of my time between my arrival at home and angelo's return, usually the time that I sit in the balcony with a huge glass of cold water, icecubes and basil or mint fresh leaves and unwind, and take my laptop in the balcony with me, write the post in word, and then get it back here in the study, connect and post it.
If I am willing to work hard I am going to have most of what I want. And what I won't have, I probably don't want them as much as I think I do. Or, cos there is always this option too you know, I am not yet ready to appreciate the strength of my desire for them in its fullness. Which is good, cos it means Im still developing!
Thank you for reading this long :)
Oh...and we are leaving on August 3rd for the same magical and beloved island we went to last summer. August 3 to 26. We both are getting more impatient every day!