It really is funny to always feel like I do not know where to start lately. I see my girlfriends and they ask me how I am and I do not know where to start. I post here and have a ton of things inside me and yet do not know where to start.
You know I have not seen my therapist in 7 weeks. That's quite a lot of time for me that has weekly sessions. I could not go because of work in May, and now he is on holidays in Italy till Monday, and I do not know if I will have a session next week either.
This has proven both hard and enlightening. Hard cos I missed the outlet he gives me in all forms of ways he makes me express supressed anger and stress - and I have had plenty of both during the last month in work - and enlightening cos I discovered how much I can handle by myself and in how many different ways.
I can now say that I am close in cutting my umbilical cord from him. I mean...I don't have the scissors in my hands just yet, but for the first time, I can say with certainty where EXACTLY they are! :)
I have caught myself in moments of extreme crisis, where I felt like I could explode in million pieces and be thrown right on the face of certain people, to suddenly switch off and get amazingly calm and serene and face the hysteria with grace and kindness. I have caught myself suddenly feeling content and peaceful in the middle of yells and cries. I have caught myself suddenly understanding the why's behind a certain behaviour of a certain person, a behaviour that made me want to kill them and insult them and hurt them a second before, and turn myself on the totally oposite direction of understanding the deepest reasons for this behaviour and instead of wanting to kill them I then wanted to hug them and reasure their insecurity, an insecurity that had nothing to do with the situation at hand, but with their own mentality and psyche.
Suddenly, all the directions lead to myself. I begin to be my own focus again. I get to work half an hour late because this is what I need to do in order to fill my vases with flowers again. I discard the thought of getting back home early because I have gotten the salmon fillets off the freezer and they might ruin if I don't get back home on time to cook them, and go out in search of the perfect beige high heel yet amazing comfortable sandals. I caress my husband's back and it's all about how smooth and soft his skin feels under MY fingertips. I have left the dishes on the sink the night before and I decide I'd rather go window shopping after work than returning home and cleaning up. I feel the cramps of my period and I smile in the thought that perhaps this is one of the last periods I will be having for the for a period of nine months. I've begun to think of nice shirts and skirts to make and an appointment with the dress maker is soon to be ralised.
I woke up at 9 this morning and decided to get back to sleep and woke up at noon again. Just because I can and just because I wanted to sleep in more than I wanted to go shopping. And I had to go food shopping, cos we need some meat and veggies for tonight's bbq (twill be just the two of us marvelling different body functions of the models that make the Italy football team ;). But I called Angelos just now - Angelos is working - and asked him if he could do the shopping because all I want to do now is stay home and re-pot my tomato plants, do last night's dishes, eat cold watermelon, and take a nap again.
I feel absolutely no guilt. I feel I have no pretenses to keep. I simply feel the strongest need to return to myself and tend to my own needs. I left my regeneration season, which is spring, to slip over my fingers this year and I am determined to speed the process.
When spring enters I always return to myself. I always eat better. I always walk miles. I always buy new clothes. I always buy fabricks and make skirts and dresses for me I design myself and I always go to my trustworthy dress maker for fittings, before or after a mani-pedi. I've done nothing of those this spring. I got to catch up. I got to.
The most cruel kind of disloyalty is to ourselves. Who can get a good night's sleep when they feel they have let themselves down?
Now tell me, aren't my roses, my new IKEA tablecloth, and especially my new beige pony skin Dr Scholl sandals gorgeous?!