Sunday, June 04, 2006
Torpid
I am in my hotel room for the last two hours.

I have been looking at the ceiling all this time. I have felt the saltiness of tears unable to be held for another second for the whole two hours. I actually cannot stop crying even now. And I do not want to either.

These are tears held inside me for months now. These are tears of anger, frustration, sadness, insult, loss, nostalgy. These are also tears of pride, emotion, friendship, support. These are tears that have to find their way our of my system so that I can take my distance from the sentimental and finally concentrate on the pragmatic.

The event was a success.

Ms. Boss finished her introductory speach thanking her associates, my team and myself nominally in front of members of the government, v.i.p.'s, artists, managers and promoters from 40 countries all over the world.

I have slept a total of 19 hours in 6 days.

And I am certain now I do not want to be part of this anymore. Actually, this is not precise. I would like to be part of this, I would love to slave over this actually for the rest of my life. But in the idealistic environment I have always hoped for all these 14 years I work in this field.

Art is an expression of one's soul and emotions. No matter what the form of it, it is destined to elevate the human spirit and feed the human soul.

Instead, artists and "artistic" politics feed each others' egos by tearing away each others' flesh.

Small things besmirch what should be pure and exemplar.

Small people gather "corpses" to support themselves and have something to surmount to in order to show their magnitude.

The one thing I had to put aside in order to be able and stand the process was my self respect. I would have to give up and go if I did not do this. But I am glad I did it in a way. It helped me to sustain my power to finish the job. Now there is no need for me to do this anylonger.

The cause was indeed noble. Our project was indeed noble. Only it was done for the wrong reasons.

I will always treasure each and every moment of the whole four months. The bad ones more actually. These are the ones who make me who I am. These and the power to say that I do not want to be part of it anymore.

I need some time off to take my distance and evaluate things with a clear head. Then I will hand in my two weeks notice.

I am going home tomorrow afternoon. See you soon!

Posted by Argy at 7:28 pm
10 Comments:
Blogger Denise said...

Oh, Sweetheart...I'm so, so sorry! I hope that you are able to sleep for several days, soak in a nice bath, get a mani/pedicure, and bask in the glow of love from your beloved husband. You need to recharge, badly, and I am hoping you get the chance to do so immediately.

12:16 am

 
Blogger Shannin said...

What a relief things went so well, but I know what you mean - you are too wonderful of a person to go through this trauma/drama all the time. Hugs...

12:43 am

 
Blogger linda said...

Congratulations that your event was a success and good luck with your decision to give it away. Get out and enjoy your wonderful summer. xx

1:49 am

 
Blogger kathrynoh said...

I hope things work out for you. You definitely sound like you need some time to get yourself back. Rest up and look after yourself.

2:33 am

 
Blogger M@rla said...

I am so glad this horror is over. I went through a similar ordeal a few years ago, and it really changed me - I think I came out of it a better person, ultimately not brought down by what happened, but that is not the way I want to learn life's lessons, at the hands of crazy people. You must simply try to hang onto your self and your soul until it's over. In a way I am glad to read what you have written, because I thought I was the only one who went through this kind of thing! I am glad you are back and it's over with, I know you will amaze and delight us with your new adventures.

12:46 am

 
Blogger Joc said...

so glad this is over for you. hope you can find a more peaceful path to follow next :-)

10:31 am

 
Blogger Catesa said...

you must be so proud of yourself for all this hard work and sticking with it right through the end! All through the hard times and difficulties. it's great dove, now go get a cuddle from your man and take a few days to breathe

kusjes

11:17 am

 
Blogger ms ralph said...

I am relieved for you. Missing you and wishing you all the best. I love you.

1:27 pm

 
Anonymous dg said...

huuuuuuuuug hug hug huggggglety hug... you made it. what an ordeal. take care lovely girl...

5:38 pm

 
Blogger Lynda said...

Oh I feel for you and your tears.. I hope you enjoy being home and sleeping! What was the event?? Tell us more about it, I'm very curious.

12:14 pm

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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