I am in my hotel room for the last two hours.
I have been looking at the ceiling all this time. I have felt the saltiness of tears unable to be held for another second for the whole two hours. I actually cannot stop crying even now. And I do not want to either.
These are tears held inside me for months now. These are tears of anger, frustration, sadness, insult, loss, nostalgy. These are also tears of pride, emotion, friendship, support. These are tears that have to find their way our of my system so that I can take my distance from the sentimental and finally concentrate on the pragmatic.
The event was a success.
Ms. Boss finished her introductory speach thanking her associates, my team and myself nominally in front of members of the government, v.i.p.'s, artists, managers and promoters from 40 countries all over the world.
I have slept a total of 19 hours in 6 days.
And I am certain now I do not want to be part of this anymore. Actually, this is not precise. I would like to be part of this, I would love to slave over this actually for the rest of my life. But in the idealistic environment I have always hoped for all these 14 years I work in this field.
Art is an expression of one's soul and emotions. No matter what the form of it, it is destined to elevate the human spirit and feed the human soul.
Instead, artists and "artistic" politics feed each others' egos by tearing away each others' flesh.
Small things besmirch what should be pure and exemplar.
Small people gather "corpses" to support themselves and have something to surmount to in order to show their magnitude.
The one thing I had to put aside in order to be able and stand the process was my self respect. I would have to give up and go if I did not do this. But I am glad I did it in a way. It helped me to sustain my power to finish the job. Now there is no need for me to do this anylonger.
The cause was indeed noble. Our project was indeed noble. Only it was done for the wrong reasons.
I will always treasure each and every moment of the whole four months. The bad ones more actually. These are the ones who make me who I am. These and the power to say that I do not want to be part of it anymore.
I need some time off to take my distance and evaluate things with a clear head. Then I will hand in my two weeks notice.
I am going home tomorrow afternoon. See you soon!