Not just there yet...
I have been moodier than ever. One day my world is full of sunshine, the other is blue and gloomy. And this I can handle. What I find hard to deal with is an hour of sunshine, two hours of blues, then a ray of light, then the darkness of depths.
This is also how I see myself in the mirror. One day the 4 kilos I've gained are not even there. I see myself in my bathroom mirror, while I am taking my shower in the morning, and I see a well rounded sexy renaissance figure that makes me smile to myself, proud for the 40 kilos still out of my body. Then I catch a glance of myself in a window as I walk by and say...yuck....I'm so fat!
I have to be fair with myself. For someone who has gained enormous amounts of weight in difficult times, as a very compulsive emotional eater, once 40 kilos, other times from 10 to 20, till the disasterous 2001 that I gained 60 (!!!), I have dealt very well with the last couple of years and the things I have been through. I have struggled to maintain. Even if that means that I have days where all I have from the time I wake up till dinner time is water and coffee, so that I can eat a decadent dinner.
However, this does not make me feel terribly better. Surely it gives me a sense of semi-achievement, a kind of "cheer up, it could have been soooooo much worse" feeling, but if I want to be totally honest, it drives me mad as well. It makes me angry. Really angry.
This is normal for the all-or-nothing type I am. But an all-or-nothing type is not normal.
I am kind of lost as to where to start. With what do I start. What is the thing I need to tackle first. With work, things are straight forward in a very confusing way. I will stay there till at least October. I go by day by day and it is manageable now. I try to take as few things inside me as possible and I try to take the personal involvement out of it completely. Some days I succeed better than others, but generally, it is not too bad currently.
With Angelos things are a bit more complicated. He really spent all his patience during my hard working months. Which means that now, he expects me to be my normal summer self. More feminine, more fun, eager to go out, smiley and happy. This puts an enormous pressure on me. He is not demanding but I sense his demand, if you know what I mean. Me, on the other hand, is full of guilt for the months I was totally really barely physically existant in our home and marriage, and I try to surpass my mood and pretend to be cheery, but it ends up in a more frustrated me and a less pleased him.
Then the August holidays plans had to be made. You know I go to the same secluded little island almost yearly for the last 5 years. I adore this place. And the people are magnificent. We have made so many friends there. This summer however I was not too keen to go there. Because all I need is 3 weeks in an island I'm familiar with - I cannot handle surprises or adventure now - but with no company besides my husband. In that island is almost impossible to not run into someone in the beach, or at dinner. Gorgeous warm people really. But I want silence. I want quietness. I want a bit of husband and wife seclusion. But Angelos wanted to go to Fourni so much, I said ok, and booked our room.
Two days after, Angelos came home with a special insert of that day's paper, dedicated to exotic trips. Surely, after the disasters Thailand and Bali and Shri Lanka are cheap places to go. The travel agencies have put up vacation packages that are very very attractive. For the money we will spend in the island for 3 weeks we can spend 17 days in exotic Thailand. Then, we could extend our stay and stay at my friend in Bangkok for another week, and with a bit more money have our three weeks in Koh Samui and Puket. Just like we would say we would do in 2004. I got all excited back then and he changed his mind at the end. So now what do I do? Cancel the room in the island? Look for the more attractive package? Or stomp my feet in the ground and decide and announce to him what I really want?
I know you will think that I am crazy and ungrateful. Angelos said that since after June 28 we enter the 10th year of our marriage, we should celebrate with something special, since this will be our last summer with no baby. Since next summer we will either have a baby or be expecting one soon. You would expect me to melt with his romantic idea and get all mellow inside with the thought of a baby coming. But no. Instead, I get all stressed and panicked about when and if I will get pregnant. Which, of course, makes the baby making take a step back cos Im in no mood.
One thing at a time Argy, you would say. And this is where I will stop my feet and ask: If I am to deal with one thing at a time, then why on earth do they come in dozens????!!!!!
I think I should go to the beach. And feel fat in the same fuschia bathing suit I was feeling fabulous last year. At least I'll get a bit more tan at my thighs and this will make the cellulite look less revolting. Not that I wear shorts. But I see it anyway!