Saturday, February 18, 2006
More on the "carrot"...
and more on the scales I'm afraid. Remember the 1,5 kilo gain I saw on Monday? Well, it has another .3 added to it today I must say. 88.8. Oh I just remembered now how ecstatic I was the first time I saw it as I was moving downwards. Now its not such a nice number...

Dont go ahead and tell me sweet things to make me feel better. There is no reason for this really. As much as we all despise the gains, I have to tell you that I am ok with this.

Don't go ahead and try to talk reason into me either. Fear not that I will go on gaining. But I need to do this now.

See, I took last week's post to my therapist. I dont mean I carried my laptop or a printout there. I just discussed it with him. And while he pretended he did not understood and made me talk about it over and over again, the moment of enlightment and raw truth indeed happened again.

It was actually when I said the magical sentence "I feel like I am in the last few hours of a long journey in a ferry boat, and suddenly I feel like it is so pleasant here, in the deck, seeing the ocean all around me, the familiar ocean with its sweet embrace, that suddenly reaching the port feels very sad, very uncertain. It is like I want to get there and yet I am unsure of finishing the journey, because I will miss the anticipation, I will get there and then what?!"

"Right"he replied. "It would be as devastating and as earth shuttering as it would be for you to end your therapy, make the final decision, lose the rest of the weight, become a mother, have your ownn family instead of just belonging to one"

Bastard knows how to press the right buttons. I just adore this man with all my heart!!!

What he said is the absolute truth. The hardest thing I am dealing with in therapy is not the incident with that old man. It is not the trauma. The truth is that the hardest thing Im dealing with and the thing that really holds me back is my attachment to my past. For some reason we are yet to discover, I simply cannot seem to just let go. I cannot forgive and forget. I need to remember. I need to have an excuse...

It is all so much more clear now.

If you go back in the last 4 years, amazing things were happening in my mind and soul as things were settling, as questions were being answered, as realisations were being made. The result was the weight loss. You do want to take care of your body when you take care of your mind and soul. You simply want to. You do it naturally. Let me tell you something. This wonderful woman will lose all her weight and become a hotter mama than she already is because she found the secret ingredient in that post of hers.

So I take back what I said in the last post. I take back my need for a carrot. That was just another well formed excuse for me. And I will tell you why. Look at this:


Yep, I am the woman in red. Some of you must have seen this picture in my "private"ones in flickr. I must weigh 130 kilos in this one. Or a couple of more. Have I ever told you I went on a very strict diet of lettuce leaves and boiled zuccinis and rice with no protein for 2 weeks before I went to that dietician? I tried to minimise the heart attack I was about to have....Anyway, this picture was taken about a month or so before I went to the dietician back in the dark ages...

Now look at this bad picture my niece (!!!) took of me last week:


She made me pose, then she deheaded me...lol. And you can see the basic problem area, the thighs. But you know what? I feel pretty proud for the current size of the thighs if you compare them to the woman's- in- red thighs. I am really very happy with the waist and the rest, when compared to the past. The bad past, because you know, before that, there was a past that I was still curvey, but in a very delectable way:


I probably weigh somewhere between 70 and 74 kilos here. Its 2000 I think. I had gained weight due to summer nights with lots of booz and wanted to loose five kilos I remember.

I kid myself when I say I need a carrot. What I really need is to make a very concsious decision. To become the woman I am still a bit afraid to be.

When I manage this decision, when the fear subsides and the first step will be taken, the weightloss will reach its goal.

Now look what my angel of Angelos brought me for Valentines day. With proof too that this was the 17th Valentine's Day we celebrated today! I thought it was something like the 15th!!!

I don't really know when. The only thing I know is that to be that scared, it must mean I am seriously considering to take the first step to wherever the final destination is meant to be. Are you with me? Are you as excited as I am? Because I am really excited, no matter how scared. I take this as a bit of a cold feet period. But there is my husband, my friends, my therapist, my desire and you my precious to warm them up. I tell you. I am going to do walk that path sooner than later, even if that means I have to change my panties every 5 minutes cos I shit myself with fear for every little step I take!

Posted by Argy at 11:32 am
10 Comments:
Anonymous dg said...

you are so wise, argy babe. it really is like your ferry analogy, it is just so scary taking the last step. especially like in our case when the journey has been such a long one...


but here's wishing you lots of luck in taking it :)

3:02 pm

 
Blogger Shannin said...

That realization holds true for me, as well. I never could have said it so elegantly, but I'm starting to want to slow things down and bit, but at the same time hurry up and get to my goal...

10:44 pm

 
Blogger Mary said...

All I can think of is Ouzo and fried fish LOL. You know what you gotta do and I know for myself too.

I'm actually going through a bit of an identity crisis and it started when I got to goal. Losing weight sure changes your life in so many aspects! I am thinking of seeing someone too, just for perspective.

12:18 am

 
Blogger ms ralph said...

How right you are.

12:53 am

 
Blogger kathrynoh said...

You know, I looked at the deheaded photo of you and didn't even notice your thighs until you mentioned them in your post. All I could see was your tiny waist.

Good luck with this last stage. I feel like we are in similar places both with weight and mentally. It's finding those extra reserves to make it over the finish line :)

2:23 am

 
Blogger airlie said...

maybe you can make some sort of pact with yourself that this is not the last step? I have lots of friends who have made goal and then headed on some of those body and soul tracks, some even running marathons. Maybe you need to plan what you will do AFTER you reach goal so that is not a scary and final destination. whatever you do, I will be there honey!

8:59 am

 
Blogger Tracy said...

Oh Argy hunny you made me speechless, again. Such a beautiful post, and so full of life. You look amazing in the beheaded picture :D

10:05 am

 
Blogger Catesa said...

im with Tracy, you are just as beautiful beheaded! i didnt notice your thighs as a problem area but i guess thats normal, we dont look at people we love that way, you're lovely Argy. You know where to find me whenever you need xox

11:54 am

 
Blogger M@rla said...

I'm very excited for you Argy, I know you will find the perfect carrot for yourself. Mine has changed too, and it took me too long to realize it and let go of something that wasn't helping me. We are too stubborn and don't want to change direction because we are afraid it will look like failure. But it's not failure to stop doing something that isn't working.

5:07 pm

 
Blogger Beckie said...

I'm not sure why, but I'm sobbing.

Each word you write, sounds like my own.

I understand where you are right now (end of journey) even though I haven't been there.

Argy. Picture this. Standing on that shore, is a handful of your dearest friends, waving bright coloured scarves and balloons, eager to see you and bring you into their world again. This isn't the end of your beautiful, scary journey, it is the beginning of an extraordinary life.

Smile, dump the baggage of the past. Leave it on the boat and step onto shore.

I love your honesty, I love your support and I thank you for your belief in me.

1:22 am

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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