and more on the scales I'm afraid. Remember the 1,5 kilo gain I saw on Monday? Well, it has another .3 added to it today I must say. 88.8. Oh I just remembered now how ecstatic I was the first time I saw it as I was moving downwards. Now its not such a nice number...

Dont go ahead and tell me sweet things to make me feel better. There is no reason for this really. As much as we all despise the gains, I have to tell you that I am ok with this.

Don't go ahead and try to talk reason into me either. Fear not that I will go on gaining. But I need to do this now.

See, I took last week's post to my therapist. I dont mean I carried my laptop or a printout there. I just discussed it with him. And while he pretended he did not understood and made me talk about it over and over again, the moment of enlightment and raw truth indeed happened again.

It was actually when I said the magical sentence "I feel like I am in the last few hours of a long journey in a ferry boat, and suddenly I feel like it is so pleasant here, in the deck, seeing the ocean all around me, the familiar ocean with its sweet embrace, that suddenly reaching the port feels very sad, very uncertain. It is like I want to get there and yet I am unsure of finishing the journey, because I will miss the anticipation, I will get there and then what?!"

"Right"he replied. "It would be as devastating and as earth shuttering as it would be for you to end your therapy, make the final decision, lose the rest of the weight, become a mother, have your ownn family instead of just belonging to one"

Bastard knows how to press the right buttons. I just adore this man with all my heart!!!

What he said is the absolute truth. The hardest thing I am dealing with in therapy is not the incident with that old man. It is not the trauma. The truth is that the hardest thing Im dealing with and the thing that really holds me back is my attachment to my past. For some reason we are yet to discover, I simply cannot seem to just let go. I cannot forgive and forget. I need to remember. I need to have an excuse...

It is all so much more clear now.

If you go back in the last 4 years, amazing things were happening in my mind and soul as things were settling, as questions were being answered, as realisations were being made. The result was the weight loss. You do want to take care of your body when you take care of your mind and soul. You simply want to. You do it naturally. Let me tell you something. This wonderful woman will lose all her weight and become a hotter mama than she already is because she found the secret ingredient in that post of hers.

So I take back what I said in the last post. I take back my need for a carrot. That was just another well formed excuse for me. And I will tell you why. Look at this:

Yep, I am the woman in red. Some of you must have seen this picture in my "private"ones in flickr. I must weigh 130 kilos in this one. Or a couple of more. Have I ever told you I went on a very strict diet of lettuce leaves and boiled zuccinis and rice with no protein for 2 weeks before I went to that dietician? I tried to minimise the heart attack I was about to have....Anyway, this picture was taken about a month or so before I went to the dietician back in the dark ages...

Now look at this bad picture my niece (!!!) took of me last week:

She made me pose, then she deheaded me...lol. And you can see the basic problem area, the thighs. But you know what? I feel pretty proud for the current size of the thighs if you compare them to the woman's- in- red thighs. I am really very happy with the waist and the rest, when compared to the past. The bad past, because you know, before that, there was a past that I was still curvey, but in a very delectable way:

I probably weigh somewhere between 70 and 74 kilos here. Its 2000 I think. I had gained weight due to summer nights with lots of booz and wanted to loose five kilos I remember.

I kid myself when I say I need a carrot. What I really need is to make a very concsious decision. To become the woman I am still a bit afraid to be.

When I manage this decision, when the fear subsides and the first step will be taken, the weightloss will reach its goal.

Now look what my angel of Angelos brought me for Valentines day. With proof too that this was the 17th Valentine's Day we celebrated today! I thought it was something like the 15th!!!

I don't really know when. The only thing I know is that to be that scared, it must mean I am seriously considering to take the first step to wherever the final destination is meant to be. Are you with me? Are you as excited as I am? Because I am really excited, no matter how scared. I take this as a bit of a cold feet period. But there is my husband, my friends, my therapist, my desire and you my precious to warm them up. I tell you. I am going to do walk that path sooner than later, even if that means I have to change my panties every 5 minutes cos I shit myself with fear for every little step I take!