Sunday, January 08, 2006
The anniversary...the confession...the decision
On January 7, 2001, I had a great night. I know, cos its my brother's nameday on this day and my best gf's son's birthday too.

So all seventh's of January since 1999 go like this:

I go to the boy's bday party, have the cake, then go to my brother's house, and enjoy the feast his wife has cooked. Plus lotsa booze. And then lotsa after booze snacks and sweets.

When I went home on the 7th of January 2001, I went to change my clothes and wear my pj's and I remember I started to cry. Not silent cry. I cried and cried with groans and loud sobs. I remember my husband looking at me clueless, trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to estimate how drunk I was to act like this.

Granted, I was a bit drunk. Which made things get out easier.

What Angelos did not know was that as I went to the bathroom to get undressed and brush my teeth I had got on the scales. It must have been months since I had done this. I remembered I weighed 117 kilos the last time I had gotten on them. And I know that it was not a good idea to get on them at that point, right after a day of eating baby birthday party food AND adult name day party food and booze too.

Certainly, the day to get on the scales was not right.

Since I remember myself, I do not eat lots on christmas. But I get on some weird post christmas depression after December 27. I love christmas so much, I begin the preparations from mid November, and then suddenly it is over in 24 hours. What looked like a gorgeous home full of decorations and stuff suddenly in a day looks really outdated. And the binges begin. With all the leftovers. And the newly cooked meals and sweets too.

But I did get on the scales. 133. The number. Was. 133. Kilos.

I remember putting my finger in my mouth. I could not vomit. Then I begun to cry. It took me a couple of weeks to decide how I would approach the D thing. Diet. Deprivation. Demons. Dainties. Damage. Damnation. Fear!

I felt the same feelings last night. When after dinner I went to the bathroom and got on the scales. 90.Kilos. panic. This morning, after a good poo its 89.3. Still in the eighties right?

Fucking wrong you know!

I was 86.2 kilos three weeks ago. I gained 3.1 kilos in two weeks. While working out like a mojo every day. Cto5K workouts every other day this week, and 5K brisk walk on the inbetween days. Which really means that I should have gained at least 1.5 kilos more!

I had this long confess type of monologue with my husband last night after the weigh in.

He said at first....Honey, you know that in christmas you always gain a bit of weight. Remember last year you gained 7 kilos, so now you gained less, look at me, Ive gained 2! Next year you gain nothing!

Which made me mad.

Don't get me wrong here. But I really do not care if you lost 5 or gained 10 babe! This is all about me. Me me me!

And since I've started this blog, determined to loose the last 25 kilos, I have probably lost 30. And have regained them all. In small chunks of couple of kilos in, couple of kilos out. Does this matter?

But I can still taste how entering 2006 in 85 kilos tasted a few weeks back. I can still taste how close and possible that felt. And this explains the sour and bitter taste I have been feeling in my mouth all this week, the taste I try to make go away by eating sweet and spice.

Aren't you sick of me? Aren't you fed up listening to "oh...this is the last time, this time I will make it happen, after all its just 20 bloody kilos, I had 60 to lose when I started!"

I am really fed up with myself. Really. Fed. Up!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am afraid.

I am afraid that if I lose the weight I will not like what I will see. Hanged flesh. Fallen boobs. Loose skin.

I am afraid that if I lose the rest of the weight I will have no excuses anymore. For the things I postpone.

I am afraid that if I lose the rest of the weight I will get men at my feet. And I will cheat on my husband. Because I used to cheat on him and all my boyfriends when I was slim and sexy. Come on, think less of me now, you have every right to. I bluntly admit to you that I am a reformed "cheater"who is using the rest of the fat hunging from her thighs as her means to be a socially accepted good person.

Or not?

Could all these be wrong?

Could I just have become another person now? Am I not running the danger of becoming a slut? Do I not have to postpone things any longer? Do I have the right to decide what I really want to do and then say not to the rest? Would I look ok if I really worked out to tone, if I added weights in the scheme?

Will I ever find out? Will I dare?

I am really sick and tired of excuses. It is Christmas. It is just a treat. We all need our little indulgenses. Come on my husband wants to eat this I should not deprive him of it and the pleasure of sharing it with me. I burnt 768 calories according to my pedometer today, I can eat ice cream.

Where is this taking me but round and round in the same circle?

There is a decision to be made. I can say I am ok with how I look now, go on with my exercise, whatever it will be at the time, and eat to maintain my 89 kilos, knowing I will range from 85 to 89 for life, depending on how well I eat or how many social events I have to attend.

And you know, this would have been alright, if I had not done this first workout of the Cto5K. My weight is distributed well, I have a nice waist to make me look curvacious, I know how to play with styles and clothes, and when I am dressed and have taken the time, I look less than I really weigh.

But this were all well till the first cto5k work out I repeat. Because this first work out made me feel the real me. Not the beautiful picture I have in my head, you know, the current picture compared to the 130 kilos picture. The real picture honey! The woman who feels the flesh of her ass bounce and move painfully as she jogs. The woman who feels the weigh of her thighs every time she lifts each leg to run. The flabbiness of her underarms as she moves them rythmically to her jog.

I feel very fat. Very very fat.

I am not happy with how I look now.

So I decide to lose weight.

I am going to go now. Angelos has gone to buy firewood. I will make a pot of my "cleansing"soup and this is what I will be eating today. And to make this fun, I will give you the recipe later.

But know that this is not going to be easy for me. It really feels like 5 years ago now. I will give it my best.

The good thing is that the third workout of week 1 was done earlier today! Nooooooo fun!!!!

Posted by Argy at 2:02 pm
Blogger Slim, in disguise. said...

That was a beautifully honest post :)

I too am a reformed cheater. The bad thing is, that I was a fat cheater. I did it because I was stuck in a relationship I was bored of; or because the boy I was seeing didn't pay me enough attention, and I needed to feel better about myself. Now I'm not so fat, and not a cheater - granted I have no one to cheat on, and hope I don't find anyone until I'm at goal (for the simple reason that I don't want to meet someone, then lose 15kg and decide I can do better :/ That's horrible, I know...)

I so know what you mean about being scared, but don't be. When it comes down to it, you make the decisions in your life - not your weight, or the people around you. I too suffer from the fear of loose skin and saggy boobs - and I'm only 21. I'm terrified of what lies under this 15kg of fat, absolutely terrified.

I hope you find it in yourself to carry on with your journey :) You sound like an absolutely beautiful person who deserves that slim woman inside :)

2:30 pm

Blogger Catesa said...

after twiddling thumbs and rubbing ears and staring at the ceiling, there are still no words to offer you any comfort in moments like this. Just know im always here anytime for you k? its admirable the way you are able to be so open about everything, especially about your infidelity because thats something i struggle so hard with but have decided it shouldnt be an issue anymore. Lets just get the weight off and deal with the sex stuff later. Itll be ok, it has to be ok. Theres no other way without being committed to an asylum.
It hurts not to be able to just tell you what to do to make everything better, thats what friends do.
anytime luv, you know where to find me

2:31 pm

Anonymous dietgirl said...

don't panic, argy babe! huuuug! huuuuuuuuuggg!

when i started running, i felt exactly the same as you in the first week. why? because running, more than any other physical activty (except for sex) makes you completely aware of your body. it's just you, your body and the open road. there's no bike or treadmill or weights. and unlike walking, it takes all of your body's effort to make it move.

it's a high impact sport, so you feel all those wiggles and jiggles. i found devastating. i felt like i was 160 kilos again! all blubber and cellulite. i wanted to give up.

but it got better! soon i started to enjoy the feeling of making my body work harder than ever before. just doing the three session a week, making that committment, seeing my slow progress... i started to repsect my body's ability to change and adapt. and my mind did the same thing!

i really think if you stick with C25K you could have a similar change in thinking about your mind and body. it could really help with all your fears and issues! just to commit to the three days a week, you learn a lot about yourself!

i just have so much more respect for my mind and body now. this time last yer, i felt exactly as you do now. I gained nearly 7 kilos over xmas. I had never felt so depressed and consumed by fears. i thought i would just slide back to the bad old days.

But a year later, i feel so differently about myself now, my self esteem has finally changed, old fears are gone.

this probably should have been an email, but maybe it will help other people too. it may sound crazy, but something like C25K can really make you see things differently. i know personally my brief flirtation with being a runner changed how i felt about myself forever.

(we have to meet up mate. we have so much to talk about. we really do!!!!!!! xxox)

8:03 pm

Anonymous Julie said...

Ten years ago I went from not being able to run 60 seconds (literally) to running 6 miles daily. My weight at the beginning went UP and I was pissed. But I read about muscle-building and the water our bodies retain to support that and decided to stick with it. After about three weeks, the weight started to fall off.
BUT that was ten years ago. I'm back at square one with the running and once again seeing a gain on the scale. I'm hanging in there and I know you will too.
I love your blog and your honesty. I wish more of us had the guts to be as open. You've got it together girl! More than you know.

10:13 pm

Blogger Joc said...

Wish I could say something to help you feel better, but I dont know what to say... I understand the fear thing, and if I find any answers I will pass them on. Good luck :-)

2:27 am

Blogger M said...

The fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all. People are scared to lose weight for so many reasons. "What happens if I still don't get the job when I am slim and fit" "What happens if that guy/girl I have a crush on still doesn't want to go out with me" "What if I still can't have children" etc. So many reasons. So many years of worrying when it might never ever happen. And for some people it is still the same. They may never get that job, or that guy, or have that baby, but they will be leaner, healthier, and if the journey was done correctly (as yours is) they will be of a state of mind to handle it all once it is in their grasp.

I believe, truly believe, that your blog and your therapy gives you the outlet you need. I truly believe that one love is enough for you and Angelos is it. You won't cheat on him - because you are worth too much to cheat on yourself.


4:41 am

Blogger Beckie said...

Oh. My heart has dropped. Sweet, sweet Argy.

The other girls are right. Deal with each issue, an issue at a time.

I wanted to just say one thing.

You ARE NOT the same person and you are not your past.

I have written many posts like this in the spur of the moment so I hope the moment has passed and I hope you are feeling much better.

Darling, if it feels like rock bottom, the best news is - the only way is up.

Oh, I just had a Yazz moment.

5:52 am

Blogger Denise said...

Dear, sweet girl, it's the thinking too much that gets us in trouble, isn't it? You're doing the right things, you're heading in the right direction, so don't let a number make you crazy. Don't let the jiggling flesh worry you. Just know that you're on the road to even greater (physical) strength and that I'm immeasurably proud of you for it!!!

7:56 am

Blogger Lynda said...

I agree with Beckie - you are not the same person who you were years ago. If you are slimmer and feel more beautiful (not likely, as from what I see, you are pretty gorgeous now) you may get more attention from men but probably no more than you get now. If you were going to cheat I'd say you'd do it now so lose the extra weight if that is what you want and don't worry about the "what if's".

9:45 am

Blogger l15a said...

You've gotten some great advice from your friends/readers here - I hope it boosts you.

I will just add that I hope you continue with the Cto5K. Like you, I've just finished the Wk1 sessions .... and look forward to flopping on the virtual couch with you at the end of Wk2!

12:46 pm

Blogger linda said...

Argy, you are such a beautiful person and it makes me sad to hear you like this. When I run, I actually love the feel of my fat arse jiggling up and down because I know that I'm working it hard and the harder it jiggles the faster it's going to disappear. I hope u have written this post in a moment of sadness and that it has passed. Please dont try to sort out your 'issues' all at once, you'll only drive yourself crazy. Big hug and look forward to another update. My son is baptised 'Yianni' and I am baptised 'Yianna' so we also celebrated on Jan 7. Sorry it is a bad memory for you. Linda Rxx

2:02 pm

Blogger airlie said...

I loved this post because it was just you argy. You out on a platter for everyone to see. This is one of the reasons I love reading your posts. You are always honest. Sometimes brutally. The other reason is that I see you as extrenely successful. You have lost a great deal of weight. 30% or more of your body and you are learning to maintain at that weight. It would be so easy for you to return to your old habits, tell yourself that you have a man that loves you and eat accordingly. But something in you has changed. You are not willing to accept weight gain anymore. Even if you put on the smallest amount of weight, you fight to get it off.

The road ahead is scary. I worry about saggy skin, stretch marks, loose boobs, the lot..........but all of that is better than the heart attack, stroke, illnesses that I might get now from being an overweight smoker.

Now, get off that couch, go kiss your hubby and tell him that he is the only man for you, and then run your little heart out baby girl!!!!!!

1:08 am

Blogger Lynne said...

You ask, "aren't you sick of me?" and "aren't you fed up?" of hearing about your ongoing struggle. Please know that it is quite the opposite. What I feel is identification because I too know what it is like to feel weary from fighting the same battle. I have said "this is it, it's going to happen this time" before only to crash and burn. I also have felt that fear you talk about; feeling like the end result of all this work won't be worth the reward. As you can see, many of the other comments talk about that "fear" that you mention. Just know that you are not alone in feeling it and there are others out there who support you.

2:23 am

Blogger anji said...

Hey argy - ....

Hmmm... I hope I don't write this the wrong way and you think that I'm an idiot but, I'll just come out and say it and if it sounds like I'm being mean, honest, I wasn't trying to be!

There are thin sluts and fat sluts and inbetween sluts. And, you my dear, really love your husband. I don't think your weight has anything to do with that. I think you have grown, and you are past that and it is you who has all of the power to say yes or no.... whether you are 70 kilos or 140 kilos! I think your love for your husband has grown stronger, and I think you want to keep him, am I right? Well, focus on that and ignore the other guys as best you can and you being the powerful and strong woman I see from this side of the world, can stop those men in their tracks, with the word NO. "No, sorry, I found the love of my life!"

Please don't let this fear, stop you from losing weight. If you feel like you go back to your old ways, come online, tell us and we'll collectively around the world, kick your butt :)

Take it easy!!! And keep being strong, you're doing a good job!

5:49 pm

Blogger Shannin said...

Argy - you are doing so wonderful in so many areas of your life. I know weight is a big portion of your happiness. You have made so many positive changes - you are eating better, you are exercising, you are working at a great new job. It's all going to fall into place for you - a little at a time, but it is going to be a great 2006 for you - I just know it!

3:29 am

Blogger kimba said...

Argy my sister, this is why I love you so much. You're so real, so open, and so honest in such a heartfelt way.

I can really empathise with a lot of what you're feeling right now. Feel it, own it, and use the energy to make changes!

I don't think there's a single person reading your blog who would ever think badly of you for opening up and being honest about what so many of us feel but maybe don't have the guts to express.

Love and light,
Kimba :)

12:51 pm


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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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