On January 7, 2001, I had a great night. I know, cos its my brother's nameday on this day and my best gf's son's birthday too.
So all seventh's of January since 1999 go like this:
I go to the boy's bday party, have the cake, then go to my brother's house, and enjoy the feast his wife has cooked. Plus lotsa booze. And then lotsa after booze snacks and sweets.
When I went home on the 7th of January 2001, I went to change my clothes and wear my pj's and I remember I started to cry. Not silent cry. I cried and cried with groans and loud sobs. I remember my husband looking at me clueless, trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to estimate how drunk I was to act like this.
Granted, I was a bit drunk. Which made things get out easier.
What Angelos did not know was that as I went to the bathroom to get undressed and brush my teeth I had got on the scales. It must have been months since I had done this. I remembered I weighed 117 kilos the last time I had gotten on them. And I know that it was not a good idea to get on them at that point, right after a day of eating baby birthday party food AND adult name day party food and booze too.
Certainly, the day to get on the scales was not right.
Since I remember myself, I do not eat lots on christmas. But I get on some weird post christmas depression after December 27. I love christmas so much, I begin the preparations from mid November, and then suddenly it is over in 24 hours. What looked like a gorgeous home full of decorations and stuff suddenly in a day looks really outdated. And the binges begin. With all the leftovers. And the newly cooked meals and sweets too.
But I did get on the scales. 133. The number. Was. 133. Kilos.
I remember putting my finger in my mouth. I could not vomit. Then I begun to cry. It took me a couple of weeks to decide how I would approach the D thing. Diet. Deprivation. Demons. Dainties. Damage. Damnation. Fear!
I felt the same feelings last night. When after dinner I went to the bathroom and got on the scales. 90.Kilos.
Right...no panic. This morning, after a good poo its 89.3. Still in the eighties right?
Fucking wrong you know!
I was 86.2 kilos three weeks ago. I gained 3.1 kilos in two weeks. While working out like a mojo every day. Cto5K workouts every other day this week, and 5K brisk walk on the inbetween days. Which really means that I should have gained at least 1.5 kilos more!
I had this long confess type of monologue with my husband last night after the weigh in.
He said at first....Honey, you know that in christmas you always gain a bit of weight. Remember last year you gained 7 kilos, so now you gained less, look at me, Ive gained 2! Next year you gain nothing!
Which made me mad.
Don't get me wrong here. But I really do not care if you lost 5 or gained 10 babe! This is all about me. Me me me!
And since I've started this blog, determined to loose the last 25 kilos, I have probably lost 30. And have regained them all. In small chunks of couple of kilos in, couple of kilos out. Does this matter?
But I can still taste how entering 2006 in 85 kilos tasted a few weeks back. I can still taste how close and possible that felt. And this explains the sour and bitter taste I have been feeling in my mouth all this week, the taste I try to make go away by eating sweet and spice.
Aren't you sick of me? Aren't you fed up listening to "oh...this is the last time, this time I will make it happen, after all its just 20 bloody kilos, I had 60 to lose when I started!"
I am really fed up with myself. Really. Fed. Up!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am afraid.
I am afraid that if I lose the weight I will not like what I will see. Hanged flesh. Fallen boobs. Loose skin.
I am afraid that if I lose the rest of the weight I will have no excuses anymore. For the things I postpone.
I am afraid that if I lose the rest of the weight I will get men at my feet. And I will cheat on my husband. Because I used to cheat on him and all my boyfriends when I was slim and sexy. Come on, think less of me now, you have every right to. I bluntly admit to you that I am a reformed "cheater"who is using the rest of the fat hunging from her thighs as her means to be a socially accepted good person.
Could all these be wrong?
Could I just have become another person now? Am I not running the danger of becoming a slut? Do I not have to postpone things any longer? Do I have the right to decide what I really want to do and then say not to the rest? Would I look ok if I really worked out to tone, if I added weights in the scheme?
Will I ever find out? Will I dare?
I am really sick and tired of excuses. It is Christmas. It is just a treat. We all need our little indulgenses. Come on my husband wants to eat this I should not deprive him of it and the pleasure of sharing it with me. I burnt 768 calories according to my pedometer today, I can eat ice cream.
Where is this taking me but round and round in the same circle?
There is a decision to be made. I can say I am ok with how I look now, go on with my exercise, whatever it will be at the time, and eat to maintain my 89 kilos, knowing I will range from 85 to 89 for life, depending on how well I eat or how many social events I have to attend.
And you know, this would have been alright, if I had not done this first workout of the Cto5K. My weight is distributed well, I have a nice waist to make me look curvacious, I know how to play with styles and clothes, and when I am dressed and have taken the time, I look less than I really weigh.
But this were all well till the first cto5k work out I repeat. Because this first work out made me feel the real me. Not the beautiful picture I have in my head, you know, the current picture compared to the 130 kilos picture. The real picture honey! The woman who feels the flesh of her ass bounce and move painfully as she jogs. The woman who feels the weigh of her thighs every time she lifts each leg to run. The flabbiness of her underarms as she moves them rythmically to her jog.
I feel very fat. Very very fat.
I am not happy with how I look now.
So I decide to lose weight.
I am going to go now. Angelos has gone to buy firewood. I will make a pot of my "cleansing"soup and this is what I will be eating today. And to make this fun, I will give you the recipe later.
But know that this is not going to be easy for me. It really feels like 5 years ago now. I will give it my best.
The good thing is that the third workout of week 1 was done earlier today! Nooooooo fun!!!!