Blues out of the blue? Nahhh...
I have been unfair. Very very unfair. To myself that is. To all of myself actually. To my spirit, to my soul, to my body. That last post was indeed a reflection of my current state though. As the wonderful Beckie
said "if it feels like rock bottom, the only way is up!"
I am that type. I really have to get down there. There is no other way for me to get back up. And I have spent the last months in an intermediate situation. Feel the blues, kill the blues. But you know, who really can kill the blues? And most importantly, why kill the blues? Why not take advantage of them. Construct on them.
There is not a possibility of getting the blues out of the blue you know. So pretending there are not there is a waste of time.
For the last months I have stomped my feet on the ground, have grown roots at my current position, and feel scared - to the point of being unable to even grasp the magnitude of the fear- to move on. I am not talking about weightloss. I have said this many times and I will never stop saying it. Fatness is not my problem. Fatness is the result. I do not deal with my weight to solve my problems. I try to solve my problems and this is how I have all the energy and willingless to lose the weight. This is how I got to lose the fortysomething. This is how I got where I am today.
So when you hear me complain about the weight, you have every right to tell me that I am avoiding the reality.
Like I have been doing for so long. Without much details, I have to be honest to you and tell you that I am trying to deal with a trauma. Which was deeper and has caused much more damage than both me and my therapist had ever realised. I actually was under the assumption that I was pretty well dealing with it. And I was. In absolute theory I'm afraid.
There are only two ways a person can act towards a trauma you know. Either completely avoid what caused it, or totally throw themselves in situations similar to those that caused it, in an attempt to diminish its impact. Two sides of the same coin of denial.
For most of my life I have done the latter. I realised lately that I have switched to the first way of "dealing" with it. This is what allienated me from my body.
I took the very hard decision to get over with it yesterday. This will not be easy. This will probably be my greatest struggle and my greatest achievement at the end. I'm scared shitless and proudly happy at the same time.
So my therapist proposed to prepare my body for the reaction of my soul. The deal is this: We will not talk about anything else. Actually we will not talk during our session for the next 3 weeks. We started a series of exercises to prepare my body for the work yesterday. I have to do all 3 sets of them when I wake up and before I go to sleep. These exercises will soften the reactions and will protect me from any shock. They will smoothen my energy channels and get me ready. For the big freak out...lol. I really am smiling. Weird woman I am....
I will get there. You know, I took a few weeks off therapy. I went to my last session on December 8, cancelled the following, then my therapist took 2 weeks of for holidays, I did not book a session during the week of my holidays. I do this when I get in such situations. This makes me get deeper in the problem and get in a dead end which hurts and troubles me to the point I have to admit things and take decisions. Now that I admitted the depth of my fear, now that I felt the dead end in all its magnitude - Im afraid to deal with this so this fear of the immense pain to come will stop me from doing these couple of things I have been always afraid to do and because of this I will never feel absolutely complete - I am ready to conquer this last beast. Because it is the last one for sure.
But I also want to state that I have been very unfair to my body and spirit, by thinking and feeling not so nice 'bout them.
It's my spirit that has saved me from all the rough spots and it is my body that has carried me around for all my life. It was my sweet sweet body that got me on the treadmill yesterday to do the 1st workout from the second Cto5K week! Now go on. Give my bod a loud applause please, cos the poor bugger really deserves it!
To them, and all of you who took the time to get in my shoes and give your support and wisdom, I am indebted!
Thank you wonderful women out there! I needed both the sweetness and the kick in the arse!