This is the image I have in my head now. Something fresh. Like a rose blossom slightly opening. This is how I want to think of the New Year. 2006. Think of it. Isn't magnificent that the world have managed to survive 2006 years? Isn't it magnificent that besides the wars, the polution, the damage, babies are born, orange trees get blossoms, water is still drinkable, and people, no matter how poor or rich still feel?
2005 was a tough year for me. It really took me so much more time and effort than I ever admitted to get over the fear and panic I felt with my mother's illness. All this made me get back in childhood traumas and insecurities. My mom had left for 3 months when I was almost 6 years old. Her bother was in Italy studying, could not come back to greece, as he was a bit of a rebel during thedictatorship years in greece, and he political situation was not permitting for him to come back. Then, my mom had health problems with her breasts. So she had to have an operation. She decided to have it in Italy and also go help her younger brother. My aunt and cousin moved in to take care of us. I really thought I lost my mom. My aunt would make me eat 3 slices of bread with butter and honey and drink a huge glass of milk with ovaltine. a cocoa thingy for milk. I would cry while eating this every morning and then throw up.She would make me eat more. Bad times.
All this came back. It took me time to accept the relationship between the feelings I had at this time last year and the past. But through therapy the veil once more was lifted.
I cosnider my maintaining and even loosing a bitof weight on 2005 a big achievement. I could have easily gained at least half the weight back. What really saved me was the taking in clothes strategy. I have said before how much this costs me, but really, if you go on and take your clothes in every 3-5 kilos, then this is all you can gain. Unless you can afford new clothes all the time.
But there has been so much more during 2005. The move to the new appartment, the change of jobs, the attempts to get pregnant, the decision to postpone the pregnancy due to the new job, the emptiness inside this decision has brought, along with the hope of advancing professionaly and saving money so that I can be able to not work for at least the first year of our baby.
I also lost a few friends during the lasst year. Relationships I was maintaining by making all the effort slowly grew distant when I halved my efforts. It is always bittersweet. Since I started therapy I have lost many "friends". Which makes me sad, and at the same time, makes me feel richer inside.
I grew closer to the people I have met through this blog. I value this closeness more than I can describe.
And now, I have to take the big decision. I have to commit. And I am ready to. I have really felt it boiling inside me the last month. You know, when you live your life in auto mode, with no time to think and feel, you end up with a very fresh look about yourself. It is weird to explain, but during the whole of December that I was working like a mad woman, I caught myself watching me and my life as if I was watching a movie. Three movies actually. "Argy the professional", "Argy the wife" and "Argy the woman".
Right now, Angelos and I share the sofa. He plays "Call of Duty"in his playstation, and I am writting this. We really want to spend the whole day like this. But we have to get up, get dressed and go to his parents for lunch. I will be back. I have so much to write. For me. I need this clearness writting in here brings me.
I will be back after lunch. I really want you all to have a very strong year. Strong in the feelings, strong in the heart, strong in the health.
You know we can really do whatever we want. Our possibilities are endless. Tis a bit unfair to limit the greatest gift of all...our own potential!
Right...more after lunch...which I have no idea what is gonna be!