Friday, March 11, 2005
It posted!

So I will try my luck and hope blogger is not the type who digs in main dishes by just ignoring appetisers. Assuming the little sentense I posted before was an appetiser. And am heading for the main course now.

So...what should I serve you today? Fettucini Alfredo? A good portion of work stress? Self Saucing Chocolate Pudding? A big bowl of diet insecurity? Lemon capellini with caviar? An "I-weighed-in-800-grammars-more-than-yesterday" platter? Stuffed tomatoes? Perhaps a "EatGood-WorkoutMore-WeightAintDropping" triffle?Good ole fashioned shrimps in coctail sauce? Gimme your choise! Come one, we are friends here, don't be silent, here is your chance to order!

Are you laughing? You should not. You should pat my head and be sweet and nice and tell me oh Argy, you know hard work pays off, you know next week will be a great result, you took your jeans in ten days ago and you felt them loose yesterday again! You are loosing cm. To see me acting up on you, like I did on Angelos last night. To discover I can be a bastard when I want to be a bastard.

Yes. I am angry. I am tired. I am overworked. I am stressed. I have digged the big black hole in therapy and there is stuff there that has blown me away. And I am hungry most of the time. I am tired of pep talking myself about weightloss. I am too much of an egoist to give up. I am not feeling a nice person today. Nor have I felt nice yesterday.

I left my office at 9 pm and I bloody walked home. I did not understood it till I was almost a couple of km away from home. I got of the building and walked and walked and walked. Frantically. Feet hitting the pavement with a vengeance. Hands free from bags (cos I had a backpack kind of bag) in fists hitting imaginery people in front of me. I walked 10 km in 82 minutes. How do I know? Because my mobile rung and brought me back in reality. It was Angelos, worried, asking me where I was. See he had called me right when I was out of the building, at precisely 9 pm asking me if Im still at work. And when my phone rung it was 10.22. See? I know my subtraction. 10.22 - 9 equals 82 minutes. I can do decimals and all.

What I cannot do is work my arse off and see no results. It exhausts me. It brings me down. It makes me the bitch I sound to be right now.

I am asking myself now if I should stop posting, before I make you all think I am letting my Mr. Hyde out in the open. But its 8.59, and it is too early for me to go to work. So perhaps I should stop and maintain some of my "oh she's such a nice woman" reputation in the blogosphere, and work out my 50 minutes in the treadmill. Oh yes, have I told you? I have upped my time and am walking for 50 minutes a day in the 'mill now. And I ask you. For what? To built my strength? To make my heart beat in a better rhythm? To clean my cardiovascular system? To drop my cholesterol levels? To never suffer the threat of diabetes?

Well, no!

I have to inform you that I am in excellent health. My annual blood tests come always surpisingly bright. Of course I am young and have not yet hit the age where the problems begin to show. But still.

I read the skiny daily post yesterday and it said to prioritise our reasons for weight loss. Health? Vanity? A smaller size of jeans?

It all comes down to vanity for me ladies. Of course I want to get pregnant and loosing more weight will mke things in the process a lot lot easier. Of course now I can climb 3 floors of stairs maintaining the same rhythm in my breath and only in the middle of the fourth floor I can get a bit uncomfortable, but hey! I am still a smoker.These things happen to smokers!

But I want to turn heads. Bottomline is I am not as nice as you are. Who are loosing weight and exercising in order to aquire better health. I want to hear whistles when I walk in the street. I want to see the lust in men's eyes. Not just in my man's eyes.

But this will never happen. Never. Not even if I bit the bullet and live in chicken breast, fish and boiled zucchinis till I reach 59 kilos. Because I will never wear a singlet in pride. Never. Because of all this loosing and gaining and loosing and gaining fricking lots of kilos, my skin has waved goodbye on me. Miles of stretchmarks. Chicken wings for arms. Boobs ten years older than my 36 years of life. Flab. Cellulite. Excess skin.

And then I am also trying to follow the "natural path". I am not considering plastic surgery to remove the skin. It is against the rules for me. Like gastric bypass was against the rules when I was 130 kilos and 2 doctors reccomended it. My isurance agent even had said back then that in my weight the insurance would cover for the cost. No? Shocking! Preposterous!

Angelos touches my skin and moans from pleasure. He tells me how soft and silky and warm it feels and how it turns him on. And I secretely feel he is insane.

Then there are times I see myself naked in the mirror and admire my curves. My so well proportioned body. I feel like a renaissance woman, all fleshy and curvy and sexy.

I really love my body. I am thankfull for it each and every day. It carries me around. It makes me feel. My body is the only proof I am alive. My body is my existance and I am gratefull and thanking God for it each and every day. It gives me shivers. It gives me orgasms. It gives me sensations.

But it will never turn heads in the beach. Besides the ones who will woman must have been huge once, look at all this skin!

I am not giving up. I am just tired. And discouraged. But I will finish this post now and hit the treadmill. Because I am also very very willful. And I will get to the 69 kilos. I will!

Now if blogger decides to eat this post, it will only mean you were not meant to read this vent. Of which I am not at all proud. But which came straight from the core of me.

Have a nice day all!

Posted by Argy at 8:43 am
Blogger kimba said...

Ah, I love you. You know why? Not because you're 'nice'. (Even though you are that, of course) But because you're honest. Open. Strong. Genuine. Passionate. Warm. Intelligent. REAL. And because you share your 'core' with us - for that I thank you.

You think you're the only one losing weight for vanity? Sure, I might want to be healthy too, but my number one reason is to feel comfortable in my body and looking good is a major part of that. So add me to the vanity club - you ain't alone :)

As for the weightloss, ego is as good a reason as any to not give up. God knows my own ego/ pride keeps me going - that's why I have a blog! sharing my efforts with the world means my ego makes me keep trying, even when I don't feel like it :)

Anyway what can I say but hang in there. The body does funny things sometimes and you're making some changes at the moment in terms of eating/ exercise - let your body catch up. I think your detox has sort of conditioned you to expect big, rapid results (and aren't they fun!) but remember that slow and steady is OK too. You said yourself that your clothes are looser - kilos aren't the only measure of success!

And look, I wrote a novel for you. Blogger had better let me post it!

6:08 am

Blogger ms ralph said...

Oh darling, I know blogger has been ridiculous lately hasn't it. I tried to post a few times during the week without any luck so I gave up, until today. It appears to be working at least for now. I'm sorry you're feeling angry, but I know how you feel. Sometimes we want things so badly, and waiting feels akin to torture. And I'm with you on the vanity reason. I absolutely just want to look good. Feeling healthy is fine and dandy, but I want to stop traffic. And we both can and will. I believe it.

9:13 am

Blogger Shannin said...

I don't read you for nice -- I read you because I like what you write. I can identify with it. I read it, and nod along. Yes, it would be more healthy for me to lose weight, but I want to look sexy and strong.

Keep writing....

As far as blogger, I usually write in word and copy over (helps me with my spelling as well...).

12:58 am

Anonymous Lyn said...

Yep I too lost weight for vanity! To be honest I think every female who ever lost weight did it for that reason. I'm sure there were other reasons involved too but I know vanity would have been fairly high if not at the top for every weightloser.

You're not alone in that and infact in your honestly have made everyone else realise we are all the same.

Thanks for a great post!!

2:54 am

Blogger kathrynoh said...

Vanity is a great motivator. Health improvements and those kinds of motivators are so intangible, whereas fitting into a pair of jeans that used to be too tight is something you can see immediately. Vanity rocks!

4:40 pm

Blogger Denise said...

I love you not because you are always positive but because you are wonderful and honest and open. Whatever you feel, you ought to write, because that's the way to work through how you're feeling. Be well and keep on writing!

5:25 am

Anonymous dietgirl said...

we really appreciate your honesty argy, and totally relate to it. i'm in it for the vanity too :) i've missed you and you writing and now i'm about to catch up! hope you are ok :) xxox

12:59 pm


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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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