Fear has been the feeling.
Under all the sadness and the anger and the weird feelings I have been having lately, fear was the master source.
Fear of this new body emerging. Fear of the memory of a very vivid sexuality that was very supressed during teenagehood. I became fat and became thin and became fat and became thin to become fat again because I have been made to fear my sexuality. With the best intentions ever. With the most love a kid could ask for. But yet, I was being made to fear the body's sensations.
I am indeed doing better since I have realised this. As a matter of fact, there is nothing worse than feeling weird without knowing why. And now that I know, I am really a lot more relieved. I have my hard work in therapy to take care of this. In my previous session, my therapist told me that we are hitting the last and deepest "layer" of my problem. He told me to write down all the dreams I have. He told me things might be rough for a while. He explained that this happens when someone gets deeper and closer to the end of therapy.
The end of therapy?! This is scary by itself! It is like reaching goal. Scary too! Where one shifts all the efforts then? Not that I am close to both. I know I have almost 20 kilos to loose still, and at least a good six months in therapy too, but hey, I been doing both for 3 years now and feeling that the end approaches is a tad overwhelming.
I got very upset with Angelos this morning. Last night a very close friend of mine (ours too) who leaves in another city came to visit, and brought me a perfume for my birthday. I am very strange when it comes to perfumes. I never buy the big brands. I am a snob who wants to smell of something that nobody else wears...lol So what I do usually is buy essential oils and mix them to make my own. Spices and peppers go well on me. Sweet stuff like vanilla and sweet flowers are not my cup of tea, though I like to smell them in others. My latest addiction is a nutmeg body water I discovered and a ginger-splash of vanilla- cinammon I have made. The only perfume I always buy is channel no 19. Because it reminds me of things. Anyway, I did not open the perfume last night, it had a changing card on it and I was looking forward to go to the shop and change it today and buy some cosmetics I need, like nail polishes and a new mascara. And this morning, he came in my study and had the perfume on his hands, OPEN, wanting me to try it. It is very difficult to handle situations like this. When your partner does something with the best of intentions and this something pisses the crap out of you! He thought that since last night I came back from work at 9.30 and entered the kitchen as soon as I arrived because our friend, Vangelis, Sofia and himself were already here, starving, and I had to cook fast!, that I did not open the perfume because I was in such a hurry. So he brought it to me to me this morning thinking I had forgotten about it! He was all smiley when he came to my study and I exploded! I tried to hold myself from screaming like a bitch, but this is not good for me, because now I am really angry inside me. For such a trivial reason I know. But with what is going on inside me lately I do not need much to go overboard!
Anyway, I think I will hit the treadmill for a bit, this should calm me down. He usually works on Saturday mornings and I do not want to miss his rare Saturdays at home by being in such a bitchy mood.
I have been eating very well and have stuck to my points all days so far. We have no plans for tonight yet, but I will have a light lunch just in case we go out.
Right, I am still too upset. You should hear the sound of my fingers in the keyboard. Machine gun!!!
Treadmill, will thy save my sanity?