During the detox, the one thing that keeps me going, and I really mean the ONE thing that keeps me going, is the scales. I weigh myself when I wake up and see a few hundrends of grammars less. Then I return from work, and take out my clothes to wear something more homey, and I weigh myself again, and see at least a hundrend grammars gone. And that keeps me going.
Yesterday morning, for the third day in a row, the number in the scales was the same. 90.6. I was hungry all day yesterday. Really hungry. The kind of hungry that makes you edgy. The kind of hungry that make people ask...wow....was that your stomach growling? The kind of hungry you sustain only and I mean ONLY because you know you will go back home, strip of your clothes, and before you wear you pj's you will weigh and see another 100 grammars gone.
But last evening, when I came home and got on the scales, I saw 91.5. And I am still trying to figure out why. Because this morning, I got on the scales and there it was again. A tad worse too. 91.6
So yes, I burst into tears this morning. And I am not in the greatest of moods still. The last days it has been cold here. I know that spring is coming. I witnessed it, remember? But it is still cold. The juices might be secretly flowing in the plants, but it will take them at least a couple of months to show. And I have been craving a warm meal for 16 days. When I was eating rice and boiled veggies for lunch, I ate them cold, because I had to cook them in the morning and by the time I ate them at work they were cold. And then, when I had the baked veggies for dinner by the time I ate 1/3 of them, they had been cold too. I mean, how long do you think a thinly sliced zucchini can remain warm?
And then the apples are cold, and the salad is cold, and I have been eating them watching Angelos steaming plate full of freshly cooked warm yummy food, and I sustained because I had seen the fewer grammars before and knew that I will see fewer grammars in the morning, and I had strength because of this.
But seeing a whole kilo more this morning broke me.
If I was not in such a bad mood, I would make myself eggs and bacon to eat right now. Warm fried eggs and crispy hot bacon I would eat without minding burning the tip of my tongue. But I could not be arsed this morning to even make my espresso. I put a spoonfull of disgusting instant coffee in cold water and that was it. See I had seen the number before. I just want to crowl back to bed and hide of this disappointment that fills my heart right now. Because I am hungry. Very very hungry. And apparently I am a kilo heavier than yesterday morning. And I am not retaining water. I had my period 10 days ago. Now I come to think of it, I may be ovulating and my body might be playing with fluids again. But seriously, and very honestly too, I don't give a damn!
Perhaps I am reaching this point in the detox that I can only remember too well from last year. Only that last year it came very early, in the 4th day I recall, where the lack of variety in taste mixed with the hunger brings some depression and leaves you with the true feelings that make you overeat. It sort of bears the memory of this emptiness in your inner child's soul that you been trying to fill with food and lets you deal with it and it only. No way of filling it with even the momentarily satisfaction of a good warm meal. Or the lusciousness of a very fancy chocolate bar. And last year this depression it lasted a couple of days and then it turned to a strong feeling of achievemnt because I didn't fall and kept on going, prooving to that emptiness that I am now an adult that can take care of myself and needed no substitutes for love and care. That I can, And I will.But back then, the scales were nice to me. Each and every day.
This morning I woke up before the alarm rung, and I heard Angelos leaving so I called him back. He came rushing in the bedrrom kissed me quickly and said, I have to run I am late. So I was left there without cuddles that would have - perhaps - made me feel better.
And all this time I am reading blogs and updating, I see my treadmill right on my left, less than a meter away, and I am thinking that perhaps if I managed a good 30 minutes, the endorfins might make me feel better. But I do not have the energy. And I am so hungry. I have eaten my apples and my stomach is still growling. I can hear it from here. And I am asking myself this very moment, why I am still sustaining it. What tells me that tomorrow the scales won't say 92? Or perhaps this is the only reason I am still sustaining it?
I am confused. And gloomy. And I weigh 91.6. And I feel this is unfair. I have worked so hard with eating the last 15 days. I have been around food and sweets and wine and candy and I have refused to eat it. Oh look at me...lol. I do sound like a 5 year old!
But this I think proves it that I am reaching this depessed state in the detox. Perhaps I have been pushing myself too hard. Because it is not only food I am restraining from. It is also the smokes. When I was doing it last year I was smoking at least 10 cigarettes more than I used to. Perhaps it is my oral-ness (does this word exist) that is acting up. Boy...do you think that I will need a dummy soon?
Now repeat after me... Amsterdam...Nine days to go...Boots...Clothes....Coffeeshops...Spare Ribs in Gaucho's....Chocolate with chilly pepper in the Australian Home....More Boots...More Clothes...Amazon Mushrooms...Boots again....More Clothes...in S M A L L E R S I Z E ! ! ! !