Tuesday, April 19, 2005
The reason is simple: it caught up with me!
When my close girlfriends ask me how much I weigh and I tell them 88 kilos, they exclaim...no way!!! You don't look that heavy!!! Now these are my 3 most beloved gf's and they have the right to ask. Same with my mom. She asked me how much I weigh these days last Saturday, and I told her around 88, and she said, around 88?! You don't look a kilo more than 80 to me! And Angelos, whose shirts now fit me loosely, though his jeans don't fit me at all!, told me other day that he would have guessed we are the same weight now (bastard is 1.84 and 80 kilos...grgrgrg ;o)
So I discovered that deep inside me I believed them.
A few facts about me say the following: My body is very well proportioned. I have a very well defined waist, and that makes for a lot of tricks. A nicely cut pair of trousers and a fitted shirt make me look thinner. A nicely cut A shaped skirt with the fitted blouse will make me look good. Really, after having lost 43 kilos, there are times when I wear clothes I never thought I'd ever be able to wear again, like a simple pair of jeans with a simple white t-shirt and sneakers, and look "presentable" , that I feel I look like a million euros!
Then, I have a good sense of style. I know how to mix and match. I can play with colours. I can even wear white trousers and white shirts and have the same effect as if I was wearing black. I have a gorgeous dress maker that alters clothes to flatter me more, or makes me clothes that I design for her and make me look thinner.
Plus there is therapy. During the last year and a half, among other things, we have been working a lot with my self image. It was when I realised how slim I used to be and how irrationally fat I was seeing myself to be. As my soul was cleansing from the negative stuff, as I was going closer to a more positive image, as I was getting accustomed with my sexuality all over again, I think I went to the other point. Insead of underestimating my apperance and overestimating my weight, I think I have reached a point of doing the exact opposite. Overestimating my appearance and underestimating my weight.
You know that this has happened when people tell you you look less kilos than you really are and you think to yourself...they may be right.
You know that this has happened when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a window and you are pleasantly surpised with how you look.
You know that this has happened when you think you will fit in a medium in Zara (you guys know Zara clothes? their XL is a normal 14!)
But then there is always a wake up call. And mine has come a bit rough. The weather is warming up pretty quick lately. And you know what that means. All the girls now wear less and less. The accidents' season, my friend Vangelis calls it. It's when the young girls wear short blouses leaving their bellies out, short skirts, sleeveless tops, small flowery dresses, strappy heels. Then the men drivers do not watch the street but the pavements and accidents occur ;o)
On Friday afternoon I saw my mom's doctor whom I haven't seen since Christmas. He is my parents family doctor and knows me for 5 years now or so. So he complimented me on having lost weight since Christmas. I was flying in the sky with my mom's results, and though we still wait for some biopsies, his reassurance that cancer is out of the question had me deliriously happy. Then I went to see a friend of mine who has a jewellry shop, since I went owntown to get Angelos present, and she complimented me on how good I looked with my 3/4 jeans and white shirt.
Then I came home, all pumped up with the good results and the nice compliments, and took off my clothes to put on pj's . Thus the brutal wake up call! Flab. Cellulite. Excess skin. Strech marks. Fat. Huge thighs. Chicken wiongs for arms. Not pretty. Not sexy. Not smartly covered by the right cut of clothes. Thus, suddenly feeling disgusted. Thus calling Deny's and ordering pitta gyros. Waking up the next morning still full. Eating home cooked mexican on saturday night. Waking up on Sunday to a house full of plates and glasses and left overs, and munching on nachos with melted cheddar while I was making coffee. Having a bad lunch. Having choclate icecream in our friends house, then chips, then more icecream, then doritos, then more icecream. Waking up on Monday with a heart burn. Bad stomach all day long. Constipated too!
For all the people I have known the last 4 years, who have seen me going from 130 kilos to 88, I look good. I look slim. But this is not the reality. The reality is that most women when they reach 80 kilos they start going on diet.
The reality is that summer is coming and I will again feel sad for not being able to wear singlets with pride because no matter what I do, besides surgery, my arms will always have so much excess skin it will hurt. I think I have reached a point where I feel comfortable with my body and yet I feel that if I go on loosing more, all that will happen is me ending up with so much more excess skin. You know when you have a whole lot of weight to loose and you never believe you will loose 40 kilos, and then one day you reach this point to feel that even if you loose the remaining weight, you will never be a normal person? That all the gyming and special creams in the world will never make the skin go away.
I ate too much during the weekend because my stress caught up with me. But it is not as simple. Stress makes us eat more when there are other things underneath too. Or else, why my skinny girlfriend cannot even drink water when she goes under lots of stress? What is the different thing that ties up her stomach while it opens up mine?
This is not a murmuring post. It is just my reality. I don't want you to tell me that I am silly and I am so much better with the loose skin that I was with the 43 kilos more. I know this very well. Mind you, I am proud for my accomplishment. I am still astonished with my achievement. I still pat myself in the shoulder and tell me "well done baby". But there is a part of me that is sad. There is a part of me that remembers what it felt like to wear my shirt tied up in the front, leaving my stomach naked, there is this part of me that remembers dancing a flamengo on the table with a skirt tied up in the middle of my thigh and men fainting on my legs. There is a part of me who remembers wearing a small bikini top and a pair of jeans out clubbing. And this part of me is mourning. Cos at 36, and with twice loosing and regaining loads of weight, this is never going to happen again. I am closer to 40 than I am to 30 you know. And my skin is not as elastic as I would have hoped it to be.
Yet, this new affair I am having is too precious to let go. I am having an affair with myself. I really am. And its fresh, and its good, and its fullfiling too. And I am determined to keep my new love happy. And she will be happy really when she gets on the friggin scales and see the 69. What if she got on the scales today to see a dreadful 91.5 again. While it was last week when she saw the sweet 87.5. She and I know the following:
At least 2.5 out of these 4 kilos are still in her bowels.
She woke up earlier this morning and used the treadmill for 40 minutes after ages!
She ate well yesterday and she will eat well today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow too!
She has another marathon in therapy this weekend. This means little time to think about food, therefore this will be a safe weekend.
She bets her ass that by next Tuesday, her weight will be back at 87.5. What if she is seriously considering laxatives? A girl has to do what a girl has to do!!!
And I am taking her shopping for anti-cellulite creams today!!!

Posted by Argy at 9:24 am
10 Comments:
Blogger lms said...

I am a bit sad when I think about what I have done to my body by gaining weight. Stretchmarks on my arms that mean I might never feel comfortable in strappy tops. Varicose veins on my legs, so I'll always feel self conscious in anything that reveals my legs.

But I know when I get to goal, I will appreciate my body a lot more than when I was younger and slimmer, but thought I was fat. I try not to think about whether I'll have excess skin or the strechmarks.

All that talk about what you ate on the weekend is making me hungry!!

11:14 am

 
Anonymous dietgirl said...

huuuuuuug.

i really hear ya on this one. seeing all that summer flesh is such a wake-up call. instead of thinking 'i look good compared to how i used to' i think, 'i look bad compared to these flesh-flashing nymphettes'.

(btw, i KNOW you worry about loose skin and believe me so do i, but maybe it's worth considering give weight training a try sometime? i know it has helped my skin tone soooo much and i was a much bigger flabbyass than you, m'dear :)

1:07 pm

 
Blogger Emma said...

Yes I know Zara, teeny tiny clothes for girls with boys bodies. Hehe.

I really have nothing I can say about the whole thing, because anything I do say will sound trite. I haven't been there and done what you've done, so how can I empathise? However I have seen what you've done and I do have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and you are stunning! Both inside and out!

2:00 pm

 
Blogger Catesa said...

its like opening a little window over your heart and taking a peek inside everytime you make an amazing post like this.
as happy as you are with yourself its a little heartbreaking to not beable to touch your skin and make it all go away so you dont have to hurt over it anymore. i know youve said it somewhere before but could you tell me again why you would never consider a few cosmetic procedures to tighten the skin? if you did wouldnt you be happy with the results? xox hottie Argy

2:38 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh how i relate to your post! i have lost 82 lb (only 3 to go), and while i am really happy and look pretty good in some clothes, the saggy and flappy skin bits are a bit sad... i wish i had never gained so much weight in the first place. i probably will have my tummy apron removed surgically one day, but as for the turkey waddle on my legs, arms etc., well i just need to accept it i think (self tanning cream helps a little lol) and hope some will reabsorb. i do try to focus on my much better health and fitness, and looking not bad for my age (41)... and i hope you can find that balance between being unhappy enough with your bod to keep losing, but not so unhappy you get discouraged. cheers, tooraloora

2:59 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, let me say that your posts are amazing, so honest and with great insights.

I don't have any memories like yours to long for because I was never that confident in my body. And I haven't lost enough weigth to experience any loose skin yet. But it worries me a little even if I don't have as far to go as you did (I'm a couple of years older you know). I have enough flaws already and they wont go away even if I reach goal. And ofcourse it makes me sad to. But at least some of it will be better and thats worth figthing for.

And, it's not all of it that we can blame ourselves for, some things just happens with time. It does not make it any less sad but atleast we can get rid of the guilty part. We wont be teenagers again just because we reach goal, bugger....

But all that you wrote made me even more curious to see your pictures. I haven't been able to see them. If you'd still like to share them maybe it would work better it you make me a contact (like I mailed you about). Or is there any other solution?

Cathy (LadyCathy2B)

3:48 pm

 
Blogger Tracy said...

I love the idea of having a hot affair with yourself :D Good idea. I'll do that too - starting today! Some massage and body butter for my soft skin tonight mmm...Argy, you are the best *hugs*

6:26 pm

 
Anonymous Trish said...

Hugs Argy, I know how you feel. I have 25lbs to go and although I look great in clothes (at least I think so, lol), without them I think "what the hell" and I get depressed. I have an apron of skin on my belly and it seriously depresses me. I keep thinking of ways to get $4K together so I can have it removed. But for as much as I am nekkid and for how little time whoever I am with will see me nekkid...I think I can live with the rest. I am more than my nekkidness and I have to be proud of how far I've come..and so too should you. More hugs!

5:10 am

 
Blogger kimba said...

I hear you sister :) I sometimes feel a bit down about the damage that I've done to my body too, but I always try to live my life with no regrets, so I try to remind myself that there's no point upsetting myself about choices I made in the past which I can't change now.

And I too have fond memories of wearing shirts tied in front and wearing bikini tops out clubbing - yeah baby! and those days will never happen again for me either. But I also remember how much more insecure, anxious and uncertain I was in those days. I think if I had a choice between wearing a bikini out clubbing, and being older, wiser, and more confident and assured, the way I am now, I'd choose the latter :)

1:15 am

 
Blogger - u said...

i perfectly understand. i personally feel i look pretty good in my small pants nowadays, and that's what people judge on, eh?
but i know i hstill have a long way to go because when i'm naked i still have rolls of fat on my hips (a.k.a. the tire), big thighs and knees... however much people compliment on the waist, i still see the belly...
and it's about me/us in the end, ain't it? how comfortable we are with our own body.
you're right though, we also have to take a good look at how far we've gotten (that's what i understood from the end of your post)

11:59 am

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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