I am obsessed with food. Seriously obsessed. I have been obsessed with food as an overeater. And I have been further obsessed with food as a dieter.
On my eat-to-test-the-expanding-abilities-of-my-stomach days, all I was thinking about was what to eat next. As I was gorging myself with every huge bite, I was contantly thinking of what to eat next. Sweet? Savoury? Both? It took me many years to realise that a big part of why this was happening was that I was just swallowing my food without actually tasting it, and that left me insatiable for a next new taste.
When I consiously entered the weightloss battle field this last time, a bit more than three and a half years ago, I became more obsessed with food. I had to make the most of my points. I had to come up with sensuous new recipes using simple and healthy increients, lots of vegetables, less olive oil, you know what I mean. But it had to be sultry and yummy, cos otherwise I would be hit by deprivation again and I would give up. Like I have done so many times in my life before.
But really, there was not much difference between me when I was eating mindlessly like a pig, and me when I was sensibly eating like a model dieter. Because I was totally obsessed with food in both situations. Even during my detox, where my choises of allowed foods is really very limited, I catch myself thinking of different varieties of apples to eat in different ways. I like my pink lady ones raw with cinammon, I boil my red apples, I have my granny smith's baked, I have the Gala ones for breakfast. And I won't even take you to the different combinations of veggies and herbs for the salad. That obsessed I am!
It is in periods like this current one, that the reality of this realisation (bad english) strikes me like the most important discovery in my life. Though it has been discovered over and over again, and manages to so easily slip my mind afterwards.
I am mad busy with this Festival. Not just because of the daily events that we have to promote and attend as well. Which means that I leave home around 10 and don't return before 1-2 am. Every day! But because there are other projects that are either running, or start in a short while, and we run like mad all day long. My partner does not do more than a couple of nights a week, since she has her baby, so I have to be in almost all events, sometimes 2 or 3 in the same evening.
And the same happened in September - October. Because my partner had just gave birth, I was working for two, I had all the theatres opening, the congress, the club, lots and lots of work!
During these times, I do not have the time to think about food. I know it is lunch time only because my stomach starts making noises. I go back home at some point, open my salad container, throw a couple of handfuls in a bowl, add olive oil and the rye rusks, and mechanically munch on them while I am going through numerous lists of still-to-do things for work.
I don't think of food. I think of work, love, when I will finally find time to repot my plants, when I will see my friends, when will spring decide to finally come and STAY, how I can fit in 20 more minutes of treadmill in my day, without sucrifising any of my little sleep time, and the likes.
When I am really busy, I don't think about food. Of course, I do not want to live my life like the last couple of weeks with such a work overload, so that I won't think about food. What I want to do though is really work on this situation of not thinking about food as if my life depends on my taste! Dieting or not!