I was thinking of not updating at all for a couple of days. I was thinking that I should have at least 3 good days in a row before coming here and saying anything at all. But I felt itchy all morning. When I woke up and got my coffee and turned on my puter to update on blogs, I was iching to update. This space here has been such a treasure for me. I always feel better when I come here in my "blue" costume, and I always feel even more high when I come here wearing my "pinks"!
But I was not liking myself a lot this morning. Like I have not been liking myself a lot the last week or so. And yet, I come here, and post my plan of attack, and yet, I never manage to complete one full day without managing to do some damage in dinner. So lately I feel such a failure. And I have to admit I am somehow embarassed to come after a determined update and admit I just blew it again.
But I been trying to write a very easy and straightforward press release for an hour now. And I cannot concentrate. Because my mind flies here and because my thoughts are still incoherent and perhaps, it was about time to admit to myself that no matter how much of a failure I feel right now, I still have to write about it, or else it really haunts my mind.
So here I am!
To tell you that last night was one of "those" nights again. Where Vangelis and Sofia and myself were complaining about finding it too difficult to get back to good eating after Amsterdam inbetween spoonfuls of decadent chocolate mouse with fresh strawberries. Oh, it was not till dessert we all started complaining. Because dinner was a relatively reasonable chinese meal. Relatively in the sense of deep fried won tons.
Earlier in the evening, after my appointment with the chiro and while walking to the metro, I was thinking that after our friends would leave, and while Angelos would take out the garbagge - he always does this when we get take away food, cos he detests to see all the bags and packages- I would light the candles in our bedroom and put on some music and "celebrate" more privately.
But who wants to do this after feeling so hideously about themselves? Not me for sure. Instead, I sat in the livingroom, with the chocolate mousse still on the coffee table, and lighted a small cigar. And I was eyeing the mousse, and my very clean plate too, and I was feeling so bad. So so bad. Not because I ate it. But because I was really trying to not take the very well licked spoon from my plate and continue eating the remaing decadence from the bowl! I was trying to not take the remaining strawberries and dig them into the divinity of this valhrona chocolate mousse.
Angelos came home, went to the bedroom, cos he thought I was there, and came in the livingroom looking for me. I told him to go to bed, because I wanted to finish my smoke. He understood that I needed to be alone. I know he knew why too, and I also know that he would rather prefer I go to bed with him, but did not insist.
So I stayed there, with my good friend the valhrona chocolate mousse, for another hour me thinks. Thinking and debating the well known good ole thoughts and debates: "You know you enjoy more loosing weight than any decadent spoonful of great food, why do you do this lately?" or "You ate greens and apples for 21 f*cking days, you were careful in your holidays to come back and blow it again!" or "I told you to not make annpouncements that will embarass you, to not change your profile in your blog and not write down that you only have 18 kilos to loose after the detox because see now? you gain back a few, you are back to having 2o something to loose you silly!!!" And on and more of this...
But self loathing leads nowhere but to the next binge. I know this too well. I know this not only from past experience. But from last weeks experience too! Returning back to a normal life after 6 days in a dream scared me. Now I really know this. It brought scary thoughts like my mom having to do a scan in a month to see if she is still alright. Scary thoughts of when and if I get pregnant. Scary thoughts about work and work stuff.
So I got up and planned!
Checked in the freeze to make sure there was more salad in my magic container. Checked in the freeze to make sure there were more azuki beans left. Took out a small container and let it right next to my coffee maker, so that I'd fill it in the morning. I took an apple, washed it, then a banana and put them on a plate for the morning. I took out a big nice lean piece of beef for it to defrost overnight. I wrote a big note and stick it to my handbag "Buy filter for your BRITA jar so you drink your water". And I took my running shoes and placed them right next to my side of the bed, so I stomp my feet on them when I wake up in the morning.
So far...at 2.34 p.m. I have...
eaten my fruits for breakfast
walked 20 mins in the treadmill
packed my lunch of salad and azuki beans
went to the pharmacy and got the BRITA filter
Refilled my jar for the 3rd time
Have planned dinner: boiled beef with lemon juice and mustard sauce and steamed wild greens for salad, with lemon and a little olive oil.
If I manage today, tomorrow will be a piece of cake! Now I will go and have my lunch!