Tuesday, February 15, 2005
So I planned!
I was thinking of not updating at all for a couple of days. I was thinking that I should have at least 3 good days in a row before coming here and saying anything at all. But I felt itchy all morning. When I woke up and got my coffee and turned on my puter to update on blogs, I was iching to update. This space here has been such a treasure for me. I always feel better when I come here in my "blue" costume, and I always feel even more high when I come here wearing my "pinks"!
But I was not liking myself a lot this morning. Like I have not been liking myself a lot the last week or so. And yet, I come here, and post my plan of attack, and yet, I never manage to complete one full day without managing to do some damage in dinner. So lately I feel such a failure. And I have to admit I am somehow embarassed to come after a determined update and admit I just blew it again.
But I been trying to write a very easy and straightforward press release for an hour now. And I cannot concentrate. Because my mind flies here and because my thoughts are still incoherent and perhaps, it was about time to admit to myself that no matter how much of a failure I feel right now, I still have to write about it, or else it really haunts my mind.
So here I am!
To tell you that last night was one of "those" nights again. Where Vangelis and Sofia and myself were complaining about finding it too difficult to get back to good eating after Amsterdam inbetween spoonfuls of decadent chocolate mouse with fresh strawberries. Oh, it was not till dessert we all started complaining. Because dinner was a relatively reasonable chinese meal. Relatively in the sense of deep fried won tons.
Earlier in the evening, after my appointment with the chiro and while walking to the metro, I was thinking that after our friends would leave, and while Angelos would take out the garbagge - he always does this when we get take away food, cos he detests to see all the bags and packages- I would light the candles in our bedroom and put on some music and "celebrate" more privately.
But who wants to do this after feeling so hideously about themselves? Not me for sure. Instead, I sat in the livingroom, with the chocolate mousse still on the coffee table, and lighted a small cigar. And I was eyeing the mousse, and my very clean plate too, and I was feeling so bad. So so bad. Not because I ate it. But because I was really trying to not take the very well licked spoon from my plate and continue eating the remaing decadence from the bowl! I was trying to not take the remaining strawberries and dig them into the divinity of this valhrona chocolate mousse.
Angelos came home, went to the bedroom, cos he thought I was there, and came in the livingroom looking for me. I told him to go to bed, because I wanted to finish my smoke. He understood that I needed to be alone. I know he knew why too, and I also know that he would rather prefer I go to bed with him, but did not insist.
So I stayed there, with my good friend the valhrona chocolate mousse, for another hour me thinks. Thinking and debating the well known good ole thoughts and debates: "You know you enjoy more loosing weight than any decadent spoonful of great food, why do you do this lately?" or "You ate greens and apples for 21 f*cking days, you were careful in your holidays to come back and blow it again!" or "I told you to not make annpouncements that will embarass you, to not change your profile in your blog and not write down that you only have 18 kilos to loose after the detox because see now? you gain back a few, you are back to having 2o something to loose you silly!!!" And on and more of this...
But self loathing leads nowhere but to the next binge. I know this too well. I know this not only from past experience. But from last weeks experience too! Returning back to a normal life after 6 days in a dream scared me. Now I really know this. It brought scary thoughts like my mom having to do a scan in a month to see if she is still alright. Scary thoughts of when and if I get pregnant. Scary thoughts about work and work stuff.
So I got up and planned!

Checked in the freeze to make sure there was more salad in my magic container. Checked in the freeze to make sure there were more azuki beans left. Took out a small container and let it right next to my coffee maker, so that I'd fill it in the morning. I took an apple, washed it, then a banana and put them on a plate for the morning. I took out a big nice lean piece of beef for it to defrost overnight. I wrote a big note and stick it to my handbag "Buy filter for your BRITA jar so you drink your water". And I took my running shoes and placed them right next to my side of the bed, so I stomp my feet on them when I wake up in the morning.

So far...at 2.34 p.m. I have...

eaten my fruits for breakfast
walked 20 mins in the treadmill
packed my lunch of salad and azuki beans
went to the pharmacy and got the BRITA filter
Refilled my jar for the 3rd time
Have planned dinner: boiled beef with lemon juice and mustard sauce and steamed wild greens for salad, with lemon and a little olive oil.

If I manage today, tomorrow will be a piece of cake! Now I will go and have my lunch!

Posted by Argy at 1:04 pm
Blogger Catesa said...

you are getting back into it, thats so great! each planned step achieved will feel better and better :) good work!

3:06 pm

Blogger Tracy said...

(((hug))) I guess it matters the most what you do next - don't beat yourself up about the indulgence on the trip. I know it's hard - and there is huge pressure to say "ok I'll just stop eating then, I'm such a pig" - but as far as I'm concerned it's the worst thing to do. Just grab the apples and azukis and enjoy the simple, healthy meals with condiments and spices (I know you know your herbs lady!) and love yourself :)

3:15 pm

Anonymous dietgirl said...

argy! see, you are unstoppable once you are planning :) good for you, i am damn proud. btw, what do you do with the azuki beans? i bought some the other day and have no idea what to do with them!

5:41 pm

Anonymous Carla said...

I just have to tell you how much I appreciate your posts. You are such an inspiration to me. When I am feeling a little shaky with my struggle, I come here and find someone who is going through the same thing, but seems to always pull through with such a great attitude. Your posts describing your holistic med, your conversations with friends & family - are so interesting and informative. I can honestly say that I have learned alot from you and really appreciate you sharing your life and experiences. Thank you.

5:53 pm

Blogger LibrarianOnTheLoose said...

I am having to learn that when I overeat I have to acknowledge it happened, learn from it, and move on. It looks like that is what you are doing. No sense in beating yourself up about the past, just get back on that horse and ride into the sunset!

11:11 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lynda here...

I have to agree with Carla above. Yes, I love coming here and reading about your life. Its just so full of colour and fun! I totally understand how you have been feeling - food is an amazing source of pleasure but being fat is not. Your comment about eating the Choc moouse v weight loss is something I think we have all felt at some point.

12:25 pm

Blogger kimba said...

*hugs and kisses* thank you for your comment on my blog today, you really made me smile. It's not just the 'Golden Age' Greeks who are wise ;)

Now precious, please don't beat yourself up. Life needs some indulgences now and then otherwise it would be very bloody boring! But you know what you want to achieve - so it's what you do NEXT that counts.

You summed it up perfectly: "If I manage today, tomorrow will be a piece of cake!" And you KNOW you can manage today. If you can manage 21 days of the scariest detox known to man, you can do ANYTHING. I know you can!

12:54 pm


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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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