I did more than I announced yesterday :) Here is the list:

I walked from the office downtown to buy my Norton update. 3 km in 20 minutes. I walked back.

I walked to my therapy session, another 40 minutes!

I had my lunch (leftover chicken and bulgour)

I drunk 4 lts of water

I snacked on tangerines

I ate boiled fish and boiled herbs for dinner. Just lemon juice, no oil!!!

I smoked 13 cigarettes!!!

But this is not the best yet. The best thing is that on my walk to my therapist, I met someone I used to like so much and have missed a lot lately. As I was walking very fast, at some point I felt out of breath. I was ready to sit on a bench and get some rest, when I saw the time and realised I only had 10 minutes till my session, so I had to rush.

(I left work late because I was looking for cheap hotels in Amsterdam in the internet...hehe)

So instead of decreasing my pace, I increased it. And after a few minutes, I met her!!! Good ole Argy mates!!! She was there standing next to me. Feeling the rush of endorfins again. Her cheecks redish from the exercise. Her breathing much deeper. Her eyes sparkling!

She and I rung the bell when we reached our destination.

My therapist opened, hugged me, wished me happy year, asked me to wait 5' and went back to his room.

I was feeling so brilliantly!

When I went in and sat, he said... What is wrong...you have gained weight...your body looks tensed...your pelvic area and your back look like they have been gathering tons of bad energy.

I have been depressed, I said and ate and slept and ate and slept.

Why, he asked.

I dunno...I said. I think my body and soul is catching up with all the stress and fears and anxieties and sadness of working for 3 months non stop, having all teh projects of our company in my shoulders, then my mother's illness... I have also started panicking because I have no desire for sex, yet I want a baby.

Oh...he said.

I mean...I am torn apart the entire month. Let's say I get my period. Then for the next days I am counting days and think...oh...it is the 10th day, I must ovulate soon, I got to have sex tonight! Then tonight I have no desire, I don't have sex, I get all sad and paranoid that I am getting old and not try and I will end up childless. This goes on every day till the day I feel like having sex and I realise that it is not possible to still be ovulating. Then I get sad because I lost this month too and I get so depressed I am not in the mood for sex again. Here. I want to loose weight yet I am eating, I want a baby and I don't feel like making love, I want to exercise and yet watch another dvd, I want to change my job and yet I make no moves!But I have had a couple of days with good eating and mooving again and now I feel tons better!

And he laughed!

He made me breath deep to relax first. Then he said. No more talking today Argyro. Get up. We will do grounding exercises, clear your energy with some more exercises, leave 10 minutes at the end to discuss your feelings during the exercises, then you will go home, and soak in a hot bath with hot water and a kilo of sea salt for 40 minutes. Every ten minutes you will do a series of breathing exercises while in the bath. You must be in the dark, with nomore than two canddles if you don't like dark dark. Now, while we will be doing the exercises, I would rather you do not think of anything. Just feel your body. And try to feel where you are now. Not where you want to be.

The result was amazing. Although till that time I was feeling all energetic and vibrant due to my walk, gradually I got to feel like 100 years old. A sad, tired, almost sick 100 years old woman.

And I realised exactly where I am.

I am in a point where I have lost most of myself. By not tending to my needs for all these months, I forgot what my needs are. By not taking the time to give myself the time to decide what she wants, I have lost me. I did not know what I wanted to eat during the holidays. Yet I was eating everything in site. And because I was not satisfied because I ended up feeling..shit,...I didn't want that pizza...I wanted something else...I would eat something else...and...and. But hastily. I would open the fridge and catch the first thing and just swallow it.

The same thing went on with everyhting.

I would open the closet, wear the first thing, then did not like it, but had no time to change, and go on with my day feeling unattractive.

I would not have the time to decide on putting on make up.

I did not have time for exercise.

Honestly, I felt guilty thinking about the things I want to do. I felt guilty thinking about things normal people think, when I had my mom that ill.

When I went home last night, Angelos said...wow...you look radiant! After I got out of the salt bath, he said..wow...you look like you are 20 years old! Then we ate, and talked about Amsterdam. Then we went to bed. I slept like a baby. And woke up in the middle of the night and "attacked" my husband. Surely I was not ovulating. But I did not think about it till just now :)

I am slowly becoming me again. 30 minutes in the treadmill this morning. A good breakfast of hot oatmeal with ff milk and cinammon and a dash of brown sugar. A container with lotsa greens and peppers and mushrooms and two boiled eggs is awaiting for me for lunch. A lean piece of meat is defrosting at home and will be minced to fill my beautiful zucchinis for dinner. Tomorrow is a public holiday. We will undo the christmas decorations after we return from the hills. We will go walking. Just the three of us. My husband, myself, and our love for each other and life.

Beware world. I am (slowly) coming back!!!!