I came back home at 1 am last night. I had two openings to do, in two different theatres, about 5 km apart. The first premiere was at 9 o clock, so I went there at 8 with my list and my precious assistant, seated everyone by writting their seat numbers in their invitations, arranged where the cameras will stand in the theatre, and let N. stay there and deal with the rest. She only had 180 seats to deal with, and the other theatre was a lot bigger (450 seats) and with many more celebrities that were going to act up, so I left to go tot he other. I was then at 9 in theatre no 2 faced the madness till 10.30 that the play started, actually watched half of it, then went to the near by bar where we had a party scheduled, saw that everything was ok, then went back to the theatre for the applause, took everyone to the bar and then returned home.
It is very unpleasant to return home from a very long day - I was at the office since 9am - and find it totally quiet. My husband had tried to wait up for me, but I found him asleep half seated in bed with the lights on and an open book in his lap. I made him lay down properly, turned off the lights, and went to the kitchen.
I poured myself a glass of wine, took the dinner he had left for me, and went to the living room, to eat something and watch some tv to calm down and go to bed.
So I was slowly sipping the wine, when I realised from the first sip that I had nothing to eat all day.The first sip of the wine made me all warm and by the end of the first glass I felt kinda tipsy. I poured myself another and I picked on my food with not much interest. My brain was full of thoughts nesting there for the last few days, waiting a peaceful environment to untangle themselves.
I was seriously thinking about posting that I had them all written down, but I was so comfortable in the sofa sipping wine and feeling a tad tipsy that I seriously could not bother.
So here I am today, fresh after waking up at noon (!!!!!), having the first weekend in the last month with no actual work to do - besides going to an agency to pick up some artists photos - sipping my coffee and posting with no actual rush! Bliss I tell you. My husband will be home from work in an hour or so, and we will go grocerry shopping and perhaps some fun shopping too! We have no plans for tonight, which is perfect too!!!
Last night I was thinking about too many things. I was thinking about you and all your sweet comments. You touched my heart. You made me blush. You made me feel love. And this is when I realised that love is the most important thing. It really is. In each and every second of our days, the things that matter are the things we love. The things we do for love. The things we do of love.
We love our bodies and we take care of them.
We love this red shirt and we wear it often and feel gorgeous on it.
We love chocolate and we often cannot resist.
We love working out and we put on our running shoes and go.
We love relaxing and we decide not to hit the gym today.
We love people and we show it to them.
Thinking about these and tons of others too, I realised that I don't love my job anymore. I care for her, but don't love her anymore. This was something that made my breath stop. Honestly. I have struggled for all this time and now I realised that I don't love what I am putting so much of myself at. Which brought to my mind, for some weird reason, what my therapist always points out. Let me tell you...
He always tells me (and others too) that all behaviour we call "weird", all feelings we cannot explain, moodiness etc are based on one thing only. Our refusal to become fully responsible adults. This is not a choise we make. This is the trial of our inner child which is angry or hurt or whatever, to remain a child till we resolve the issues of our childhood. He always tells me that a fat body is a body overfed to avoid its sexuality. A fat body is a declaration of a person that wants to verify their inabillity to be loved. It is a statement.
I have felt this through my course of therapy. And I have understood it to my core. Now, after all this time, he teases me and says that I am not 5 anymore, but not 21 either, though getting close. I think that what has happened to me lately, with the extra responsibilities at work and my mom's illness is exactly this.
I have been forced to become the responsible adult in my family, and take care of my mom and doctors and hospitals and all. To calm down my dad and brother. I have taken all responsibility at work where my partner was the head all this time. I have been forced to speed up my "growing up" in two important functions of my life, work and family. I swear, I felt my shoulders collapsing last night. Especially when I realised I do it for my family out of pure love, but I do it for my business only because I have to.
So I took decisions.
First and foremost, I am resuming my weight loss. I went to Angel's blog, and shamelessly copied the core program from her (thank you Angel dear :). As soon as I log off, I am making my grocerry list based on the Core. I will give it a week and see how it goes.
I called my mother's doctor this morning. She has her last treatment next week. He said she seems to do fine but he can't tell until the biopsy which will take place about 3 to 4 weeks after her last treatment. I decided that I will go to Cuba and bring her the scorpio medicine that is supposed to cure cancer, have her take it before the biopsy. I only have to work on the finances because right now I do not have the money for the trip, but I will manage.
I decided that I will not stay for much longer in my company. I decided that it is time for me to become selfish too. Shamelessly selfish. As of tonight, close to ovalution I may add, we will start trying to extend our family. Angelos does not know this yet, but I must tell you, this is one surprise that will take him to the sky!!! He has been waiting for this for seven years!!! As soon as I get pregnant, have our child, and become ready for work again, I will leave this company, and decide on what I want to do workwise. In the meantime, I will take it easy, depending on how my situation progresses. Yesterday my partner was telling me how wonderful it is to have a baby and she added that it is about time I think about it too. So I did...heheh
I must tell you, love is energy. And love for the small things make the difference. In our lives. And in our souls. But last night I understood one thing again. That it is not possible to really love unconditionally unless we love ourselves. Unconditionally. For who we are and also for who we are not. Love ourselves for our successes. And love ourselves for our failures. Love ourselves for making the effort. But love ourselves for loosing track too. Ladies, we are all gems, you know? Each and every human being is a gem. Some are polished and you can easily tell. Some are rough. Some have been thrown in the mud and have become dirty and you can not even imagine they are gems. All it takes is the love to take a piece of cloth and rub it softly, till it cleanses. Love will make it shine too. As a morbidly obese woman before I have felt that there was not a possibility for someone to love me. Such a lie. Back then there was not a possibility of me loving me. The moment that changed, things started falling into place. I tell you. The cure is not core or the treadmill. The cure is to love ourselves unconditionally. This is the only way to take care of us the way we deserve. And now if you excuse me, I am going to make my grocerry list!
And become soppy once more and tell you that I really love you!