You know, there are times like this very one, that I so want to write something here, and yet, I still cannot really listen to my thoughts. This has been a very good description actually for me lately. I cannot even hear my thoughts. I am on auto pilot.
It is not the Easter weekend for us orthodox ones yet. Its next weekend. For me its just another working day. I just do not have to get to work before noon. So I have the chance to go do some grocery shopping. Next week, Good Week for me, it will only be veggies, legumes and grains. Oilless too. This is how we eat the week before Easter.
I have gained a lot of weight. I touched the horrific number again. Round 90 kg's. Scary. I so regretted buying new batteries for the scales. I am going to have to do something. I am going to have to put myself accounted again. I called and looked for a WW meeting near by work. There will be one held at Mondays at 9:00 am, about 15 mins walk to work. It will start on April 25 (a tuesday actually, since monday the 24 is an easter holiday for us). I called and held a place. If I am silly enough to have to pay for someone to weigh me and keep me accountable, then I will do it.
I cannot afford to gain any more weight. My smart idea of taking my clothes in every few kilos down has me suffering in my clothes right now. Not to mention the disgusting feeling in the morning when I go to get dressed and cant find something I feel good at. Not to mention that soon I will have to get our spring/summer clothes out and I willhave to go shopping for work clothes and i wont like the tightness of the 16 pants.
Our granny is at the hospital, in the intensive care since wednesday. She is Angelos mothers mom, and she is more than a mom for him, and even more beloved than my own grannies for me. She is 86 yo and things are not looking good. Honestly, I want her to be better so badly for so many reasons. And I am ashamed that one of them is that I cannot fit a loss in my life right now. I have no energy to deal with such a thing. No time. How horrible is this?
My husband had his birthday yesterday. I did not get him a present. I had no time. Yet, we spent a quiet sweet evening at home together. Which started at 11.30 that I got back from work.
There are so many things that I cannot deal with right now.
The toughest is the remorse I feel for taking back my resignation from work. I really should have left in March. Now the time is too close to even think about it again. But seriously darlings, it is not worth it. And this hurts. There is, of course, this very deep feeling of "whatever does not kill you makes you stronger" that has a peculiar kind of satisfaction attached to it. I am really looking forward to June 5, when the lights will be off, the event will be over, the bravos will be distributed. But I am scared of who I will have become till then.
We are going to leave with Angelos now, and go to buy pots and soil and new plants. And tomorrow I am going to spend the morning beautifying my balconies. From the estimations I have done, I will be able to be back home from work around 8 in the evening. And we will bbq fish and seafood and eat it with V and S and complaint about our busy lives, while planning our little Easter get away next week.
To all you beloved women that celebrate Easter this weekend, happy Easter!!! And many many thanks for your concern and friendship!