Saturday morning. 9.39 to be precise. I have been up since 8 am. The birds awake me. It really delights me to wake up with the birds. Living in the big city, such things are really to be treasured. The birds in the morning, the smell of the bitter orange trees blossoming in the pavements, the wild yellow daisies popping everywhere there is just a handful of soil, the farmers market smelling of strawberries, the new buds forming in the bare branches of the mullberry trees. Did you know that most of the trees planted in the streets of Athens - well on the pavements really...lol...in big round holes in the pavements to be precise - are bitter orange and mullbery trees? It's funny, cos the rationality behind this really beats us athenians. Noone eats the mullberies, since they are loaded with polution from the fog, so when they ripe the pavements end up purplle from all the fallen fruit, and the bitter oranges just drop from the trees in orange piles. Perhaps they planted them cos they need not much to grow and maintain. And the folliage is pretty too. But at that time of the year, it is really delightful to walk in Athens, because the scent of the orange blossoms is so gorgeous.
As unexpected as it was, after weeks of rain and wind and grey skies, Spring has come and it shows her intention to stay. It has been sweetly sunny since last Saturday. I go out with a shirt and a jean jacket. I roll up the sleeves of my shirt when I am at work. I am not turning the heat in the aircon in my office. It gets a bit chilly when I get out the office in the evening, but I strangely enjoy the shivers while I am waiting for a taxi to go home after work.
I have been quiet this last week. Inside me that is. After Wednesday, I tried to calm the noise all these thoughts were making in my head, and concentrated to every day tasks. Wake up. Turn on the puter. Go put the espresso maker on. Return to puter to connect to the internet. Go get the coffee. Sit in front of the puter. Open mailbox and explorer. Choose the WeightLossSupport folder from my favourites. Look at the emails downloading. Read the first blog. Seeing more emails downloading in my task bar. Read through another blog, hoping that there are comments in the emails. Read though another blog. Opening the mailbox. Getting rid of trash emails. Savouring each and every one filled with support from you. Get to the next blog. Finish coffee. Chew on the remaining icecubes. Disconnect from the internet. Turn off the puter. Go to the bathroom. Take a shower. Take much time after the shower to put on body butter, face cream. Put on undies. Spend some time in front of my closet. Taking lots of care in what I wear. Choose jwellery. Put on make up. Do hair. Choose sunglasses. Put on perfume. Look for the keys. Leave home.
Walk. Walk. Walk. Not power walking to burn the fat. Calm walking, lingering in the fresh sunshine, cutting a couple of orange tree blossoms to rub on my nose to hold the smell, breathing deep, my mind quiet, my body not as tensed and heavy as a few days ago. Walk like this for an hour, then taking a bus for the remaining distance to work. Getting on the bus, opening my book, read for 15 minutes or so, get off, go to work. Work quietly, not talk much, do my meetings, eat my apples, get back home. Cook quietly for Angelos, slice my veggies, bake them, make my tzatziki. Welcome him with a quiet hug when he comes home. Have dinner quietly, talking about our days. Then quietly curl up in the sofa and watch a movie. Then quietly sleep in his arms in bed.
Yesterday it was my girlfriend's birthday. Her niece is born at the same day with her. She turned 8. My friend turned 37. They do their birthday together, in a playground. Shes such a lucky woman my gf, to still have her birthday celebrated at a playground at the age of 37! With more than 40 kids arround! So yesterday, I took my 4.5 years old niece and went there. The playground was huge, and the kids were happy, and we the adults were having coffees and chatting and all of a sudden a kid would pop in and say something, or give a kiss, or complain a little. I was surrounding by hyper red cheecks, by sweet little voices, by pure energy.
"Azylo...zou ale quiet" my niece said (well...she said Argyro you are quiet in greek of course, but should she spoke in english, this is exactly how she would have sounded!)
"Argy you are quiet" my girlfriends mentioned.
"Azylo ...zou ale butiful" my niece said a little later.
"Argy you look very sweet today" my girlfriends noted. Who, when they saw me at first, both said I look like I have lost more weight.
The truth is I feel "smaller". I have not got in the scales. Perhaps this is what has been part of the reason of my being quiet. After the big storm there is always peace. I am experiencing this peace right now. By being quiet I am not living in my head. I am sensing my body. I am focusing on the inside. But not on the logic or lack of it. On the essence. On the feel. On the core.
There are two bodies inside my body. There is this young body, full of energy, bursting for new sensations, the playful body who wants to feel and experience and learn how to be more pleasurable and more pleasured.The curious body that feels new things and is totally whipped up with enthusiasm. The young body that wants to jump, climb trees, run faster, ride the bike standing up. And then, there is this young body that has been made to fear all these. There is this young body that has been terrified of running fast, and climbing trees and feeling the sensations. Because it might fall! It might get hurt! It might be taken advantage of! Oh the big bad wolf! Oh the horrifying hights! Then this young body learns to supress. Because is made afraid of "danger". And although it bursts for some action, it really has to be careful. Polite. Well behaved.
Seeing all these kids yesterday doing all the "dangerous" things in the protected world of inflated hills and soft floors, of rounded corners and pillowed ceilings, because I was so quiet, and really because of this, made me feel this young body that loved to experiment and play, the one before the one that got scared and tensed.
On our way back to my brother's house, my niece and I were sitting on the back seat of the taxi. She was talking and talking and talking like a machine gun. Her excitement was so much for her little heart. She was telling me about the cute boy, the games, what he said to her, that she liked holding his hand, that she had never been in a trampoline before, how she loved flying there, how she jumped higher from all, yap yap yap. I was drinking in her words. I was thankful for the darkness that hide my watery eyes because I was so mooved. So touched with emotion. And then she wore herself out I think. Suddenly, it was all quiet in the taxi. And her body slowly leaned towards mine, and her left hand reached for mine, and then she locked her tiny fingers to mine, and she put her right palm on my heart, and breathed a sigh.
"what is wrong honey?" I asked her.
"Your heart plays music" she said. "I like music in hearts aunty."
"You do?" I asked "Why?"
"Why?" she said "You are silly Azylo" she said with a I'm-oh-so-smart tone in her voice. "Because you love me!"
I hugged her and held her close. She was smilling and I could not say a word cos she could tell from my broken voice that I was good into tears by then.
The feel of her little body fully pleased with the play, fully spent after all this energy, and fully abandoned in the security of mine, the feel of her small hands on my hand and on my heart was the most precious thing I have experienced in my last quiet days.
Angelos booked an appointment with my therapist for next thursday. He told me last night. For a year we have been discussing this. There are a few problems we have to work out together for the both of us to move forward together. For the both of us to totally clear all the hurt and anger of the past. Of my leaving him 3 years ago for another person. And a few more things. My therapist had suggested 2 to 4 individual sessions of Angelos with him, and a couple of joined ones with both of us. For a year Angelos tells me that he really feels he should take these sessions, and for a year he is procrastinating them. I do not know what made him make the phone call, especially since we have not discussed about it for the last two months or more. But I am so thankful to whatever the reason was.
Life seems brighter all of a sudden.