Good morning :)
I slept at home last night. After the airport, I took Phil to the club, then I took him to his hotel to chill out a bit, then I went to my mum to surprise her - she was not expecting me due to work - then went and took Phil to dinner, then took him for a drive, then to the club, where I kissed him good bye, wished a great gig, and came home. I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone dance!
So now, me and my remaining iced espresso are here, catching up on blogs.
And while I was doing that, it hit me. The big difference really hit me. And I want to share it with you, because. let's face it and be honest, I love you!
So my darling friends, the big difference in our lives, is in the first 10 seconds after we open our eyes in the morning. These ten seconds are actually our whole day. For the last years, I have been waking up every day and the moment I opened my eyes, I felt happy. I felt the inner content of being healthy, being married with a wonderful man, having a healthy family, a job that pays my rent and brings food in my plate, friends I could kill for, smaller thighs, more movement. Surely this was a result of therapy and not enlightment or wisdom. But it was mine and it was my fuel for the day.
For the past 3 months I had lost this.
I would wake up and open my eyes and would instantly feel panic. I would try to go back to sleep so that I won't feel this. I would pull the duvet up and hide in its comforting darkness for a bit, and pretend to myself I feel nothing, but it was a lie and I knew it. I felt the panic of loosing my mom. I felt the anger towards illness. And this would go on all day. I would see a shop with christmas ornaments and would feel angry that christmas (my favourite time of the year) were coming.
I will tell you a secret. All this was not only due to being afraid of loosing my mom. Because it is the course of life. Surely I cannot have my parents for ever. Surely I dream of them passing away quietly in their sleep after they complete their 99th year. With no illness. No pain. But now that the worst is over, I can really comprehend why I was in such madness.
I felt there was unfinished business between me and my mom. Like there is between me and my dad and me and my brother. There were so many things I had not tell them. I have not showed them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I have not apologised for things that still sadden my heart. And I felt there was no time for this. Besides the sadness the possibility of loss brings, here were also the guilt of not expressing all the feelings in their exact size, do I make sense?
I know I may sound like a paragraph of these "love yourself and others" silly books. But spare me for a second. The last days, my mom and I have grown so much closer. Deeper closer. Womanly closer.Not just like mother and daughter. More like two grown up women who respect and admire each other.
My mother feels proud for my strength. A strength I did not know I posessed, and a strength I found inside only because she had given it to me. I feel in awe in front of my mother because I realised that the person I am is something I owe to her.
My brother, who was in denial through her entire illness, told me the other day that the only reason he was able to hold his kids and sleep at night was knowing that I was with mom and he felt safe.
My dad looked at me and told me that now he feels sfe that if he gets sick he has someone to rely on.
And for the last days, be it the hospital armchair or our bed at home, I wake up happy again. Today for instance, I woke up still too tired, but the moment I opened my eyes I was thinking...should we get a huge fake christmas tree this year or a real one so that the house will smell of its freshness? And perhaps we need to change the ornaments and buy new and have a new theme?
And I was happy.
The big difference my friends is to wake up happy in the morning. To appreciate the simple stuff we take for granted. Like health. Like a bowl of warm cereal and an iced coffee. Like the choise between 6 different skirts, 5 different pairs of trousers, and various shirts and blouses to wear. Like the change left on the small table near my bed from my husband so that I can take a taxi to work and win some more minutes of leisuring at home. Not everyone has this.
Having spend 8 days in the hospital have opened my eyes. I have seen kids there. I have seen young people there. I have seen so many people crying in waiting areas. In the tv, every day in the news they show poor people with no money to buy food. Our economy is so bad, especially after the Olympics. This Christmas will be the toughest Greece's economy ever had the last decade. Every thing is going up, besides the pay checks.I have no idea how we are going to afford all the christmas pressies this year.
Yet, I feel fortunate. I feel blessed. I am healthy. So is everyone I love. I will host the Christmas lunch this year. I have made friends with wonderful women all over the world here. My mom made arrangements with her girlfriend, the one who stays with her every other day, and I will get to sleep at home both saturday and sunday night! I will cook for my friends again on Saturday! And I saved the best for last. My mother biopsies came out clean.
Gibran was so right. What brings us sorrow is what brought us so much joy in the the first place. And vise versa too, if I may add!
Now I will take a shower and go. Hve a great Friday all :)