Friday, December 03, 2004
The big difference
Good morning :)

I slept at home last night. After the airport, I took Phil to the club, then I took him to his hotel to chill out a bit, then I went to my mum to surprise her - she was not expecting me due to work - then went and took Phil to dinner, then took him for a drive, then to the club, where I kissed him good bye, wished a great gig, and came home. I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone dance!

So now, me and my remaining iced espresso are here, catching up on blogs.

And while I was doing that, it hit me. The big difference really hit me. And I want to share it with you, because. let's face it and be honest, I love you!

So my darling friends, the big difference in our lives, is in the first 10 seconds after we open our eyes in the morning. These ten seconds are actually our whole day. For the last years, I have been waking up every day and the moment I opened my eyes, I felt happy. I felt the inner content of being healthy, being married with a wonderful man, having a healthy family, a job that pays my rent and brings food in my plate, friends I could kill for, smaller thighs, more movement. Surely this was a result of therapy and not enlightment or wisdom. But it was mine and it was my fuel for the day.

For the past 3 months I had lost this.

I would wake up and open my eyes and would instantly feel panic. I would try to go back to sleep so that I won't feel this. I would pull the duvet up and hide in its comforting darkness for a bit, and pretend to myself I feel nothing, but it was a lie and I knew it. I felt the panic of loosing my mom. I felt the anger towards illness. And this would go on all day. I would see a shop with christmas ornaments and would feel angry that christmas (my favourite time of the year) were coming.

I will tell you a secret. All this was not only due to being afraid of loosing my mom. Because it is the course of life. Surely I cannot have my parents for ever. Surely I dream of them passing away quietly in their sleep after they complete their 99th year. With no illness. No pain. But now that the worst is over, I can really comprehend why I was in such madness.

I felt there was unfinished business between me and my mom. Like there is between me and my dad and me and my brother. There were so many things I had not tell them. I have not showed them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I have not apologised for things that still sadden my heart. And I felt there was no time for this. Besides the sadness the possibility of loss brings, here were also the guilt of not expressing all the feelings in their exact size, do I make sense?

I know I may sound like a paragraph of these "love yourself and others" silly books. But spare me for a second. The last days, my mom and I have grown so much closer. Deeper closer. Womanly closer.Not just like mother and daughter. More like two grown up women who respect and admire each other.

My mother feels proud for my strength. A strength I did not know I posessed, and a strength I found inside only because she had given it to me. I feel in awe in front of my mother because I realised that the person I am is something I owe to her.

My brother, who was in denial through her entire illness, told me the other day that the only reason he was able to hold his kids and sleep at night was knowing that I was with mom and he felt safe.

My dad looked at me and told me that now he feels sfe that if he gets sick he has someone to rely on.

And for the last days, be it the hospital armchair or our bed at home, I wake up happy again. Today for instance, I woke up still too tired, but the moment I opened my eyes I was thinking...should we get a huge fake christmas tree this year or a real one so that the house will smell of its freshness? And perhaps we need to change the ornaments and buy new and have a new theme?

And I was happy.

The big difference my friends is to wake up happy in the morning. To appreciate the simple stuff we take for granted. Like health. Like a bowl of warm cereal and an iced coffee. Like the choise between 6 different skirts, 5 different pairs of trousers, and various shirts and blouses to wear. Like the change left on the small table near my bed from my husband so that I can take a taxi to work and win some more minutes of leisuring at home. Not everyone has this.

Having spend 8 days in the hospital have opened my eyes. I have seen kids there. I have seen young people there. I have seen so many people crying in waiting areas. In the tv, every day in the news they show poor people with no money to buy food. Our economy is so bad, especially after the Olympics. This Christmas will be the toughest Greece's economy ever had the last decade. Every thing is going up, besides the pay checks.I have no idea how we are going to afford all the christmas pressies this year.

Yet, I feel fortunate. I feel blessed. I am healthy. So is everyone I love. I will host the Christmas lunch this year. I have made friends with wonderful women all over the world here. My mom made arrangements with her girlfriend, the one who stays with her every other day, and I will get to sleep at home both saturday and sunday night! I will cook for my friends again on Saturday! And I saved the best for last. My mother biopsies came out clean.

Gibran was so right. What brings us sorrow is what brought us so much joy in the the first place. And vise versa too, if I may add!

Now I will take a shower and go. Hve a great Friday all :)


Posted by Argy at 9:25 am
9 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow... wow.... wow..... (loud applause).

Bravo Argy!!!!

What a wonderful and inspiring, say yet happy post! You brought back so many memories of me and my mum when she was dying - talking like friends and not mother and daughter. I told her of things we have never discussed and we opened up knowing that it was the only time left to do this. How wonderful that you now get another chance with you mum. I am so pleased that the test results came back good.

Did you know that I have come to just love reading your journal? - you open a part of me that has been closed for many years and really touch my heart.

Can I tell you how totally jealous I am that I am not going to be at your next dinner? The last one made me drool so much and I am so jealous of your talent to do this. My talent is to talk and chat at dinner parties and not to be the hostess.

How wonderful to have found your journals...

Lynda

11:36 am

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what an amazing post, my goodness... you are one smart and insightful cookie :)

(dg)

12:04 pm

 
Blogger Tracy said...

Hello Gorgeous :) I know what you mean by knowing in the first 10 sec. when waking up if it's going to be a happy day or full of panic. Sometimes, when I wake up happy (or think in the middle of the day how blessed I am) I have to look around my shoulder a little worried and think if I'm too happy - is there something awful going to happen soon? I don't know if it's just me or if it's common for other people too not to be able to completely relax and get comfy in utter happiness...
Well anyway - have an awesome weekend! Monday is a bankholiday in Finland so it's going to be three whole days of weekend for me :D

2:31 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have I told you lately that I simply adore you?? No?? Then let me say it now ... I adore you! Thanks for such an inspirational and beautiful entry today. It was just what I needed.

*Hugs*

Lee

10:36 pm

 
Blogger Steffany said...

Thank you for a lovely, beautifully worded, heartfelt post. I am winking back the tears right now because it inspired me so... Your courage is tremendous. And the lessons you're learning about your relationship with your dear mother are absolutely priceless--every daughter out there could learn a great deal from your words. Thank you for your heart and for putting so much joy and emotion into your posts. Thank you for blessing us. I'm so glad you're waking up happy and thankful again.

12:24 am

 
Blogger LisaB said...

Hi Argy,
As Lynda said, your post brings back so many memories from when my own mother was dying.
I so love to read your honest, raw feelings and thoughts.
Lisa xxx

3:37 am

 
Blogger metamorpheus said...

Not only are you fortunate, blessed and healthy, you are extremely rich and wealthy. It's always a pleasure to know people that "get it."

Great post and thanks for sharing!

2:57 pm

 
Blogger Kimba said...

Another amazing, heartfelt, honest and accurate post from a truly amazing lady! This is why I love reading your blog Argy, and why I adore you so much :)

I'm so glad you're waking up happy in the mornings. That truly is what life is all about, isn't it. You couldn't ask for anything more.

Hope you had a gorgeous weekend!
Hugs & Kisses, Kimba XOX

12:17 am

 
Blogger Angel said...

you are an amazing girl and i love reading your posts. just wanna say i am thinking of you and sending you lotsa *hugs*

4:51 am

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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