I wrote:

I have been struggling with weight for many years. Now that I am almost clean of all other issues and weight is just weight to be lost for me I can say with sincerity that I have felt the same disgust with my body when I had just 5 kilos more and the same disgust when I had 61 kilos to loose. For me, the important thing was first to lift the weight of my shoulders. By doing so I waved goodbye and farewell to 36 kilos of fat. Tricky thing that was. The taste of accomplishment resembles that of tequila you know. And it is equally intoxicating. It drives you to cloud nine, and makes you feel on top of the world. And then you slip... And then I slipped. Fitting comfortably to a size 18, sometimes a 16, enabled me to go shopping and have a blast, feel beautiful inside my clothes, and good about myself. But it did disoriented me from my initial purpose. To reach a healthy weight range.I got 25 more kilos to loose.And I am going to loose them.By eating right and moving as much as I can.

On May 17, 2004 I weighed 94 kilos. On May 17, 2005 I weigh 88 kilos. I could be nice to myself here and list again all the rough stuff I went through this year. I could be really supportive to my efforts and explicitly describe how a loss is a loss and write a couple of paragraphs about how in the past I used to give up after a couple of loose weeks and never return on the weightloss wagon, while look at me now, although I have managed a small loss in all these months, I am so good a girl that I am still trying. I could even invent a new theory that after a loss of a vast amount of weight it is the healthy thing to loose so slowly because this way your body learns to maintain. I could also list all the good things that happen to me too cos of this loss and the little exercise I do. I could tell you all excited how I take the stairs to the 3rd floor where our new appartment is, since they have not yet connected the elevator, and how smooth my breath is at the end (and hey I am a smoker), and imply that my physical condition is so much better than it used to be. I could begin to number clothing items that now fit, or are loose. I could tell you how many compliments I get a day. I really could do all these things.

I won't.

I will tell you that I have spent the last days visiting Renee's place and reading her entry about the willpower and motivation pill and reading and rereading all the comments and still, after the 128th time reading them, I still could not decide which pill I'd rather have. Cos I want them both!

I have eally spent the last nights staying awake till 2 am, here, in my study, after Angelos goes to bed, with the PC open, playing frantically solitaire and thinking over and over the same question:

Why can't I concentrate for a few months and get over with these last kilos?

And the answer finally came last night. Because I am not motivated anymore.Because when I got on the scales after months and months and saw 130 kilos, yep, rounded like that, 130.00, I never thought I would make it to the 80's. I never really believed I could be slim and fit again. My dream then was to be able and wear jeans again. You know, not the fat section size 22 jeans. The normal nice cut labels you can find in any store. Last summer I bought my first pair of jeans after 5 years. Now I swim on them. They were a classic pair of Levis 501 size 38. Men's. I bought a size 36 women's a month ago, and it is very loose now. And I have a size 34 pair too, witch fits, but is embarassingly tight, so I am not wearing it yet.

Also, my weight loss is a big issue among family and close friends. Every time I see someone, they will all tell me what a huge accomplishment I have achieved, how good I am looking, etcetera, etcetera. Which is nice indeed, but bad too. Because without much change really, without much effort either, my vanity stays reassured and pleased.

I really need to sit down, now that I have admitted all this, and see why I want to loose the remaining 18 kilos. Perhaps I need to take a good walk downtown, get in shops, try clothes on, see what I want to wear that now does not fit, or is not nice on me. There is really no need to count my steps and exercise if I am to eat badly afterwards. Because although we all know that exercising even if not followed by a diet plan is good for us, it really pisses me off to walk around the block just to make sure that I have completed my 10.000 steps, and then return home and cook pasta. Not that I have eaten pasta lately. But with my lack of motivation for further weightloss, noone can guarantee I am not having pasta tomorrow!

I think I would so much like to read this entry on May 17, 2006, and smile, wearing my size 30 Diesel jeans, and remember that May 17, 2005, was the day that I got my motivation back, and changed my weight from 88 kilos to sexy 69!