Tuesday, May 17, 2005
A year ago...
I wrote:

I have been struggling with weight for many years. Now that I am almost clean of all other issues and weight is just weight to be lost for me I can say with sincerity that I have felt the same disgust with my body when I had just 5 kilos more and the same disgust when I had 61 kilos to loose. For me, the important thing was first to lift the weight of my shoulders. By doing so I waved goodbye and farewell to 36 kilos of fat. Tricky thing that was. The taste of accomplishment resembles that of tequila you know. And it is equally intoxicating. It drives you to cloud nine, and makes you feel on top of the world. And then you slip... And then I slipped. Fitting comfortably to a size 18, sometimes a 16, enabled me to go shopping and have a blast, feel beautiful inside my clothes, and good about myself. But it did disoriented me from my initial purpose. To reach a healthy weight range.I got 25 more kilos to loose.And I am going to loose them.By eating right and moving as much as I can.

On May 17, 2004 I weighed 94 kilos. On May 17, 2005 I weigh 88 kilos. I could be nice to myself here and list again all the rough stuff I went through this year. I could be really supportive to my efforts and explicitly describe how a loss is a loss and write a couple of paragraphs about how in the past I used to give up after a couple of loose weeks and never return on the weightloss wagon, while look at me now, although I have managed a small loss in all these months, I am so good a girl that I am still trying. I could even invent a new theory that after a loss of a vast amount of weight it is the healthy thing to loose so slowly because this way your body learns to maintain. I could also list all the good things that happen to me too cos of this loss and the little exercise I do. I could tell you all excited how I take the stairs to the 3rd floor where our new appartment is, since they have not yet connected the elevator, and how smooth my breath is at the end (and hey I am a smoker), and imply that my physical condition is so much better than it used to be. I could begin to number clothing items that now fit, or are loose. I could tell you how many compliments I get a day. I really could do all these things.

I won't.

I will tell you that I have spent the last days visiting Renee's place and reading her entry about the willpower and motivation pill and reading and rereading all the comments and still, after the 128th time reading them, I still could not decide which pill I'd rather have. Cos I want them both!

I have eally spent the last nights staying awake till 2 am, here, in my study, after Angelos goes to bed, with the PC open, playing frantically solitaire and thinking over and over the same question:

Why can't I concentrate for a few months and get over with these last kilos?

And the answer finally came last night. Because I am not motivated anymore.Because when I got on the scales after months and months and saw 130 kilos, yep, rounded like that, 130.00, I never thought I would make it to the 80's. I never really believed I could be slim and fit again. My dream then was to be able and wear jeans again. You know, not the fat section size 22 jeans. The normal nice cut labels you can find in any store. Last summer I bought my first pair of jeans after 5 years. Now I swim on them. They were a classic pair of Levis 501 size 38. Men's. I bought a size 36 women's a month ago, and it is very loose now. And I have a size 34 pair too, witch fits, but is embarassingly tight, so I am not wearing it yet.

Also, my weight loss is a big issue among family and close friends. Every time I see someone, they will all tell me what a huge accomplishment I have achieved, how good I am looking, etcetera, etcetera. Which is nice indeed, but bad too. Because without much change really, without much effort either, my vanity stays reassured and pleased.

I really need to sit down, now that I have admitted all this, and see why I want to loose the remaining 18 kilos. Perhaps I need to take a good walk downtown, get in shops, try clothes on, see what I want to wear that now does not fit, or is not nice on me. There is really no need to count my steps and exercise if I am to eat badly afterwards. Because although we all know that exercising even if not followed by a diet plan is good for us, it really pisses me off to walk around the block just to make sure that I have completed my 10.000 steps, and then return home and cook pasta. Not that I have eaten pasta lately. But with my lack of motivation for further weightloss, noone can guarantee I am not having pasta tomorrow!

I think I would so much like to read this entry on May 17, 2006, and smile, wearing my size 30 Diesel jeans, and remember that May 17, 2005, was the day that I got my motivation back, and changed my weight from 88 kilos to sexy 69!

Posted by Argy at 9:14 am
10 Comments:
Anonymous Lynda said...

ahhh, I know exactly how you feel - when you start to look and feel normal its hard to go that extra bit. I've struggled for ages over this. You will get motivated again but hey, guess what... it you don't the world does not end because you look great as you are anyway so don't forget to enjoy your success.

1:41 pm

 
Blogger Catesa said...

DAMN, woman! if THAT revelation doesnt motivate you i dont know what will now get to the diesel store and pick out your size 30jeans and mark the 69kg point on your scale, draw a weight chart and hang it above the scale and draw thick red lines with a marker so you can SEE your scale'y progress. find friend who are of all sizes smaller than you and ask for 1 donation of jeans from each size and hang each by your treadmill and after a workout once a week try on the smaller size to see how close you are to fitting them. we are all here to support you 100% during the last stretch of your journey :D

3:18 pm

 
Blogger Tracy said...

30 and 69 are my favorite numbers as well :) You go girl!

4:43 pm

 
Anonymous dietgirl said...

argy, i am struggling with the same thing. i mean, i feel motivated but i am really quite happy and 'manageably fat' now, i think i look reasonably foxy and i can get nice clothes in a 16. i don't seem to want to go all out and bust off the last dozen kilos. this could be a good OR bad thing... still trying to figure out. but all i know is that i feel like life is too short to be crazy obsessive about this. then again i want smaller jeans. ARRRGH! why do we have to be such complicated creatures?!!!

5:21 pm

 
Blogger Shannin said...

What a great post. I think it's so important to understand what motivates you. Sounds like you're ready to move into the next stage...

5:48 pm

 
Blogger Wendy said...

this is so tough! and you mirror exactly what I have felt - at lower weights - that I get to a point of being a size that is "acceptable" to myself, though part of me does want more, and better.

I hope you find the answer to this - and that you share it here!!!! I do have to agree with dietgirl that we don't want our whole lives to be about losing weight. what if doing what you're doing now, gets you there in not one year, but 3 more? is that 'good enough'? because it seems that is what you're on track to.

this is a very interesting entry - it's one of the core weight loss issues, I think. I'm going to have to ponder this - maybe over some solitaire or mah jongg! (but NOT over ice cream! ;)

6:06 pm

 
Blogger kimba said...

I can totally empathise with you! I agree with what DG said too. It's hard to keep the desire burning when you get to a weight where you actually feel comfortable and you can wear the clothes you want etc - because that 'need' to lose weight isn't there as strongly any more. It's changed from a 'need' to a 'want'. So your goals have to change too.

If your original goals are no longer valid because you already achieved them, then of course your motivation will lag.

So I think you're 100% on the right track in sitting down to re-evaluate your goals. I said the same thing to Tree today: Ask yourself - what do I want to achieve? How do I want to feel when I achieve it?

New goals for new motivation! Bring it on! :)

3:38 am

 
Blogger M said...

The motivation factor seems to be a question everyone is asking at the moment. Could it have something to do with the changing of the seasons? I feel lucky that I have the benefit of reading the blogs of those that have gone before me and I take my motivation from all of you.

I think Kimba's "new goals for new motivation" is the way to go.

Have a great day :)

8:42 am

 
Blogger - u said...

i loooooove the new colors. (sorry. but had to say that)

11:59 am

 
Blogger Nikki said...

How did I miss your blog:-( I think it's awesome that you are so introspective. I read the last entry before reading this one. I think that I will answer those questions for myself. I can't even let go of the first 5, let alone the last 5.

Thank you for pouring yourself out here.

10:36 pm

 

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About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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