Tuesday, August 08, 2006
we are taking the ferry at midnight.

things are tender.

we are both deeply hurt... i think he needs more mending than i do really...i never realised the things i said...or did...or did not said...or did not do....all these last 8 months.

i have hope...

i have gratitude for your sweetness as well.

send us warm reconcilliation vibes.

i will be back somewhere between the 25 and the 28 of august

Posted by Argy at 8:55 pm | 24 comments

Sunday, August 06, 2006
A very long, very personal, very weightloss unrelated entry
Thank you for the baby making wishes.

However, to have a baby, you have to have a father for them. I am not sure I still have one.

My husband left home on Friday. On Thursday he came to pick me up from work, we went together to the hair salon and both had a haircut, then we went to Vangelis and Sofia's, then home, where we made plans to go book-shopping after work on Friday, and slept in each other's arms.

Then on Friday I left for work, while he was still asleep. I called him around noon, and he told me that he has been very pushed lately, he feels he does not recognise himself anymore, and he needed the weekend away to catch his breath and see what he wants.

I have mentioned before that there has been a bit of a marital crisis lately.

I never mentioned that the reason have been my suspicion of him having an affair.

I do not want to sugar coat my situation. But I am old enough, unfortunately I have been there, and I say this with all the shame I feel for having cheated on my husband, and mature enough to admit my share of the responsibility. There is never room for a third person unless there is a gap between the two. And I created this gap. No matter how it hurts my ego to admit it, I am partly responsible for this. I am not happy nor proud of him who chose the easy way out of the problems, but Angelos is a very handsome man, who teaches 20 something year old girls how to drive. They see him as a god, and are showing him this all the time. When you spent your day surrounded by this, and you come home to physically and mentally exhausted wife, who tells you that you work too much and have no time for her, although she has been doing the very same for too long herself, then you have a right to take the easy way out. You have a right to take the risk. However, you should be also mature enough to admit it when confronted with that.

Angelos failed here.

So he chose the good ole "offense is the best deffense" strategy.

I have spent the last 2 days in a cloud. Since Friday morning, I have cried tears the amount of which I was completely unaware my body was able of producing. I have felt amazingly strong anger. I have felt completely panicked and I have felt my breath stop at the thought of loosing him. I have ached deeply. I have played our life backwards, and in very slow motion too. I have said to my friends that all I want is for him to come home. That I am ready to forgive and forget. That no matter how hard it will be, I will carry my pain inside and make him feel welcomed and that I have realised my mistakes and am willing to work towards fixing them.

However, I woke up differently today.

My sadness is bigger. My pain is greater. I woke up this morning with the feeling that perhaps, I should take the risk, and let go of my marriage. Let go of him.

I woke up with a full consious of how I feel. Amputated. Without him I feel there is a part of me missing. He told me he will come home either tonight or tomorrow morning. To discuss things. To tell him what he had thought of. To tell me what he has decided.

I will listen to him. My tears have drained so I know I will be calm and wont raise my voice. I do not have energy left even for this. Then I will ask him the third and last time. I will even accept half the truth from his part. But I need him to aknowledge his part of the responsibility as well. I need him to aknoweledge that he decided to fill the gap with someone else instead of walking the extra mile to solve things out.

If he goes on attacking me about my lack of trust, if he keeps telling me he has no clue who the number he has called more than 30 times from his mobile the last month belongs to, phonecalls that last from 3 to 23 minutes, then I will leave him. Then I will deserve the pain I will have for a long better due to his absense a lot more than to stay with a man whom I love, but don't trust anymore. Then he will show me that he came back for a thousand reasons, but not the right one. To work things out. Because in order to solve your problems, you need to acknowledge them first.

I am certain of her existance. I just dont know if its an affair, a flick, or just a flirt that never got to the bedroom. Does it really matter?

I also know he loves me. He told me yesterday on the phone that he knows I love him and that he loves me too, but he feels he needs space to clear things out in his head. I loved him too when I cheated on him. I know this sounds irrational, but it really can happen you know...

Still, you need a very strong base to stand on to work such a problem out, and to be able to use the realisations one made and the pain one felt as the tools to built up again. And for me, this base is nothing else but trust. Love is not enough I am afraid...

You know what is the worse thing that he did though? The thing that hurt me the most? That from Sunday to Thursday he kept on buying me pregnancy tests. He kept on pushing me to take yet another one. Then, the day after I got my period, he packed his bag and left.

And you know what is the worst thing I did to myself? From Friday till the wee hours of this morning, I was comparing myself to a woman 10 - 15 years yourger and 20 - 30 kilos less. I was crying thinking that if Angelos and I finally divorse, he is gorgeous and will get a ton of women fall in his free feet, whereas I am old, fat, and unattractive, and will end up spending my life single and childless.

It took me a lot of time to realise I am so much more than my flesh. And it also took me a bit more to realise that my flesh is part of whom I am. And I am proud of them both.

Posted by Argy at 11:51 am | 13 comments

Thursday, August 03, 2006
Still...
Three minutes after the third pregnancy test in three days I got my period, 3 days late. It is exactly like that and I find it a bit amusing.

And as soon as I got it I went to weigh in and what?! 86.8! So 88 was not really the weight. 88 was the bloated weight.

We are not leaving today. We changed the tickets for Tuesday. And I am not coming back on August 25. Im back on August 29.

Last night I had my real and strong break down. I suddenly begun to cry and I was crying for 3 hours, blabbering the whole time, telling Angelos everything about the why's and the how's of my job, sometimes in a low key voise and cry, sometimes with screams and yells and plangent sobs.

Today I feel clean. My husband feels trusted again. And they all can go fuck themselves. And Im actually being very nice and giving when Im saying this. A good fuck would clean their brains you know.

So I am in a Polyanna mood. I say its better I changed our holidays and we will be leaving on tuesday instead of today. I mean, who wants to travel for 12 hours in a ferry on the first day of her period? Who wants to go to the island and spend the first 3 days just looking at the sea, sitting in the beach under the tree reading? Instead, we will go on holidays and I wont be having the period to worry me for 3 weeks.

I tell you, be sweet and wish me that this will be the last period I will be having for 2006. And this is a good weight for me to fall pregnant too. I could gain 10 - 12 kilos and still be in double digits. The things I think of....

I got to go now. To work. Angelos is not working anymore. It will be nice to come home to him this evening. I have really missed returning home and finding someone to say hi to!

Posted by Argy at 9:08 am | 10 comments

Tuesday, August 01, 2006
wassup?
I do not know where to begin again. I still have the tenths of posts I've "written" in my head and never took the time to transfer here and I'm,once more, lost as to where I left this and where I am now.

Life has decided to throw all the pebles in one go. Work is incredibly ...ummm.... complicated let's say, to the point of having my boss casually mention that perhaps I should not leave for holidays on Thursday, and stay till the end of the week. This would not have been horrible, unless you take into consideration that we've already paid 233 euros for our ferry tickets, and the next ferry to our paradise island is not before next Tuesday, and has no cabins or car spaces free. So if its not on August 3rd, then it has to be on the 10th.

Then, for the first time in many years, Angelos and I are having relationship problems. Two over tired and over worked people, each wanting just to be taken care of is not a nice combination. We both feel neglected from each other and we both expect too much. We do these endless conversations that lead nowhere and the next day something comes up again. I think we pulled the strings too much last Friday, and we spent the weekend with concsious effort from both parts to relax and have fun. So on Saturday he took the day off work, we went shopping, to a nice restaurant for lunch, then home to nap, and then we went out in the evening and saw a silly boys' movie in a gorgeous open air cinema. Sunday found us spending the afternoon in the beach, early evening in bed, and then bbq'ed a yummy mixed grill for his parents and brother.

You know, I don't glow anymore. I've lost almost all the winter weight gain, I'm back at 88, which is exactly the weight I was at last summer, and yet, I feel very fat and unattractive. You think that this does not have an effect in my relationship? You think that I am not making him see me through my eyes? I surely do, and then I compare myself to his perfect six pack and get insane.

We really need these holidays. Really need them. I am thinking that this should be our last summer without a kid. I know that 9 years of marriage with one spouse wanting a child from the start and one being uncertain about having one is not good. Now that we both want one I think I should finally stop procrastinating and just do it. I know he feels that I do not trust him to be a good father. Which is not the case at all. But I cannot make him believe the opposite. He feels that I am not trusting him to support me emotionally either. He feels this because I keep all my work problems to myself. I dont tell him things. He thinks I do not trust him. I try to explain to him that I am not allowed to tell. He can't undestand this. And I hurt him while I hurt myself from not being able to share, not being allowed to talk about things.

I also know that we will get through this. We have gone through worse and we have managed. However, we are both growing. We are both having a bit of a middle life crisis as we are both in the same age and we are both approaching the 40's.

It makes me wonder you know. Does this really worth it? The bigger house, the endless pairs of shoes, the closets full of clothes, the dinners in fancy restaurants? Does this really make sense? Two people working at least 12 hours a day, for what?

I also understood something else during the weekend. We, weight loss bloggers, have spent thousands of words describing the willpower and strength one needs to stick to the plan. I have found out that it takes the same willpower and strength to binge too.Perhaps it takes more. Of strength I mean. It takes a lot to step on your dream and crash it by eating pints of icecream and french fries smothered in mayo. Not that I binged or anything. But I was so close to this on Sunday, as I was watching the grilled pitas and the grilled feta with garlic poder and cayene pepper, and was imagining of dipping the pitas in the olive oil where all the juice of the tomato was floating, and the scent of new onions was so fragrant, and was thinking about this pita(s) covered with the melted feta on top of the olive oil and then bits of tomato on it, and me having 4 of those, and realised that I was using all my strength at that time to overcome my dream of finally loosing the last and rest of the weight. And I was really using all my resources at that point. I was really using my logic to persuade myself how much I "deserve" to indulge once in a while to something yummy and healthy, cos hey!, olive oil is good for you, whole grain pita is healthy, garlic is good, and organic feta is full of calcium goodness.

Who am I trying to fool?

When you get to an age, and one day you realise that you have more behind you than you have ahead of you, and yes, I am talking about years, and you also realise that these years are not going to be all productive and vibrant, like the ones you have behind, you feel like when you are in the shower, enjoying the hot steamy water, and suddenly someone turns on another tap, and the water suddenly gets very cold. And while you were in your steamy dreamy state, you wake up. And yoou realise you want someone to be there so there is coffee for you to smell.

I have neglected so much. It is almost hard to decide where to start and mend. I should start from myself though. I have to find what's mine in order to be able to give again.

Right. Not a happy post. I am expecting my period too. Im a day late actually, but took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. Both a relief and a disappointment. I cant leave for our secluded island if Im pregant, with no doctors or hospitals in case of an emergency. And we really need these 3 weeks away. Just us. Loving each other from the start. And making our baby with the surpluss of this love. Cos its there. Its just dusted a bit. And we both have to get the dust mops and get to business.

I will see you again before Thursday. Our ferry leaves at 4 pm. And we better be in it you know!

Posted by Argy at 8:43 am | 6 comments

About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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