Saturday, June 24, 2006
Not just there yet...
I have been moodier than ever. One day my world is full of sunshine, the other is blue and gloomy. And this I can handle. What I find hard to deal with is an hour of sunshine, two hours of blues, then a ray of light, then the darkness of depths.

This is also how I see myself in the mirror. One day the 4 kilos I've gained are not even there. I see myself in my bathroom mirror, while I am taking my shower in the morning, and I see a well rounded sexy renaissance figure that makes me smile to myself, proud for the 40 kilos still out of my body. Then I catch a glance of myself in a window as I walk by and say...yuck....I'm so fat!

I have to be fair with myself. For someone who has gained enormous amounts of weight in difficult times, as a very compulsive emotional eater, once 40 kilos, other times from 10 to 20, till the disasterous 2001 that I gained 60 (!!!), I have dealt very well with the last couple of years and the things I have been through. I have struggled to maintain. Even if that means that I have days where all I have from the time I wake up till dinner time is water and coffee, so that I can eat a decadent dinner.

However, this does not make me feel terribly better. Surely it gives me a sense of semi-achievement, a kind of "cheer up, it could have been soooooo much worse" feeling, but if I want to be totally honest, it drives me mad as well. It makes me angry. Really angry.

This is normal for the all-or-nothing type I am. But an all-or-nothing type is not normal.

I am kind of lost as to where to start. With what do I start. What is the thing I need to tackle first. With work, things are straight forward in a very confusing way. I will stay there till at least October. I go by day by day and it is manageable now. I try to take as few things inside me as possible and I try to take the personal involvement out of it completely. Some days I succeed better than others, but generally, it is not too bad currently.

With Angelos things are a bit more complicated. He really spent all his patience during my hard working months. Which means that now, he expects me to be my normal summer self. More feminine, more fun, eager to go out, smiley and happy. This puts an enormous pressure on me. He is not demanding but I sense his demand, if you know what I mean. Me, on the other hand, is full of guilt for the months I was totally really barely physically existant in our home and marriage, and I try to surpass my mood and pretend to be cheery, but it ends up in a more frustrated me and a less pleased him.

Then the August holidays plans had to be made. You know I go to the same secluded little island almost yearly for the last 5 years. I adore this place. And the people are magnificent. We have made so many friends there. This summer however I was not too keen to go there. Because all I need is 3 weeks in an island I'm familiar with - I cannot handle surprises or adventure now - but with no company besides my husband. In that island is almost impossible to not run into someone in the beach, or at dinner. Gorgeous warm people really. But I want silence. I want quietness. I want a bit of husband and wife seclusion. But Angelos wanted to go to Fourni so much, I said ok, and booked our room.

Two days after, Angelos came home with a special insert of that day's paper, dedicated to exotic trips. Surely, after the disasters Thailand and Bali and Shri Lanka are cheap places to go. The travel agencies have put up vacation packages that are very very attractive. For the money we will spend in the island for 3 weeks we can spend 17 days in exotic Thailand. Then, we could extend our stay and stay at my friend in Bangkok for another week, and with a bit more money have our three weeks in Koh Samui and Puket. Just like we would say we would do in 2004. I got all excited back then and he changed his mind at the end. So now what do I do? Cancel the room in the island? Look for the more attractive package? Or stomp my feet in the ground and decide and announce to him what I really want?

I know you will think that I am crazy and ungrateful. Angelos said that since after June 28 we enter the 10th year of our marriage, we should celebrate with something special, since this will be our last summer with no baby. Since next summer we will either have a baby or be expecting one soon. You would expect me to melt with his romantic idea and get all mellow inside with the thought of a baby coming. But no. Instead, I get all stressed and panicked about when and if I will get pregnant. Which, of course, makes the baby making take a step back cos Im in no mood.

One thing at a time Argy, you would say. And this is where I will stop my feet and ask: If I am to deal with one thing at a time, then why on earth do they come in dozens????!!!!!

I think I should go to the beach. And feel fat in the same fuschia bathing suit I was feeling fabulous last year. At least I'll get a bit more tan at my thighs and this will make the cellulite look less revolting. Not that I wear shorts. But I see it anyway!

Posted by Argy at 12:39 pm | 6 comments

Saturday, June 17, 2006
A lot of things
It really is funny to always feel like I do not know where to start lately. I see my girlfriends and they ask me how I am and I do not know where to start. I post here and have a ton of things inside me and yet do not know where to start.

You know I have not seen my therapist in 7 weeks. That's quite a lot of time for me that has weekly sessions. I could not go because of work in May, and now he is on holidays in Italy till Monday, and I do not know if I will have a session next week either.

This has proven both hard and enlightening. Hard cos I missed the outlet he gives me in all forms of ways he makes me express supressed anger and stress - and I have had plenty of both during the last month in work - and enlightening cos I discovered how much I can handle by myself and in how many different ways.

I can now say that I am close in cutting my umbilical cord from him. I mean...I don't have the scissors in my hands just yet, but for the first time, I can say with certainty where EXACTLY they are! :)

I have caught myself in moments of extreme crisis, where I felt like I could explode in million pieces and be thrown right on the face of certain people, to suddenly switch off and get amazingly calm and serene and face the hysteria with grace and kindness. I have caught myself suddenly feeling content and peaceful in the middle of yells and cries. I have caught myself suddenly understanding the why's behind a certain behaviour of a certain person, a behaviour that made me want to kill them and insult them and hurt them a second before, and turn myself on the totally oposite direction of understanding the deepest reasons for this behaviour and instead of wanting to kill them I then wanted to hug them and reasure their insecurity, an insecurity that had nothing to do with the situation at hand, but with their own mentality and psyche.

Suddenly, all the directions lead to myself. I begin to be my own focus again. I get to work half an hour late because this is what I need to do in order to fill my vases with flowers again. I discard the thought of getting back home early because I have gotten the salmon fillets off the freezer and they might ruin if I don't get back home on time to cook them, and go out in search of the perfect beige high heel yet amazing comfortable sandals. I caress my husband's back and it's all about how smooth and soft his skin feels under MY fingertips. I have left the dishes on the sink the night before and I decide I'd rather go window shopping after work than returning home and cleaning up. I feel the cramps of my period and I smile in the thought that perhaps this is one of the last periods I will be having for the for a period of nine months. I've begun to think of nice shirts and skirts to make and an appointment with the dress maker is soon to be ralised.

I woke up at 9 this morning and decided to get back to sleep and woke up at noon again. Just because I can and just because I wanted to sleep in more than I wanted to go shopping. And I had to go food shopping, cos we need some meat and veggies for tonight's bbq (twill be just the two of us marvelling different body functions of the models that make the Italy football team ;). But I called Angelos just now - Angelos is working - and asked him if he could do the shopping because all I want to do now is stay home and re-pot my tomato plants, do last night's dishes, eat cold watermelon, and take a nap again.

I feel absolutely no guilt. I feel I have no pretenses to keep. I simply feel the strongest need to return to myself and tend to my own needs. I left my regeneration season, which is spring, to slip over my fingers this year and I am determined to speed the process.

When spring enters I always return to myself. I always eat better. I always walk miles. I always buy new clothes. I always buy fabricks and make skirts and dresses for me I design myself and I always go to my trustworthy dress maker for fittings, before or after a mani-pedi. I've done nothing of those this spring. I got to catch up. I got to.

The most cruel kind of disloyalty is to ourselves. Who can get a good night's sleep when they feel they have let themselves down?

Now tell me, aren't my roses, my new IKEA tablecloth, and especially my new beige pony skin Dr Scholl sandals gorgeous?!




Posted by Argy at 1:22 pm | 8 comments

Monday, June 12, 2006
This post begun last Monday and finishes today!
Angelos is still asleep. It is the last day of my week off today, a public holiday too. Angelos and I had made so many plans for the long weekend, like spending our days in the beach, then come home and shower, and go out to see movies in the open air movie theatres we have here, the true celebration of summer for us: a morning and afternoon spent on the beach, then home for a long shower and lots of sweet smelling after sun body lotion, and then a good movie in the open air theatre, with a cold beer and a couple of smokes, smelling the sweet jasmin that covers the sides of the big screen.

But the weather had other plans. Surprisingly for this time of the year, it has been grey, windy, cool and rainy since Saturday morning.

I spent a lot of time alone last week. Angelos would not come home before 10 in the evening from work, and Id spent hours and hours alone, with a very clean and organised home and not much to do. Slowly, all the tention from the last three months begun to get out. And since the stress and tension were gone, more deep feelings begun to arise.

To cut the long story short, I went through a mini depression. I tried seeing my girlfriends, it did not help. I went shopping, it did not cheer me up. I bought more flowers, they made no difference. Where did I drawn my sorrow? In the kitchen ladies. I cooked and cooked and cooked. And then I ate and ate and ate.

It is naive to believe that I can go though such a hard period and be done with it when its over. The remains are still inside me and there is a sadness covered up in tireness and tension that now starts to get out.

There are things I need to accept and aknowledge and deal with again.

I grew away from my husband all this time. Strange mechanisms that are inside me... I guess I was missing him so much during the hard working months so in order to cope and be able to continue with the job, I sort of detached myself from him. Now there is again a path I have to walk to alone to get closer to him. He expects me to do this, I can sense it.

I stayed strong and did not succumb to food all these three months. Not that I was dieting. But I did my best to restrain most of the time and maintain, not gain that much.

After I returned from Thessaloniki, last Monday evening, I weighed in. A week ago I was 88 kilos, which was a loss of two kilos since my latest weigh in. Today I weighed in. 92 kg. I gained 4 kilos in one week, how hard have my jaws worked to acheive this you think?

Since last tuesday I have cooked and ate the following:

the langustine pasta, vanilla ice cream, anf garlic butter with fresh bread I made for the wednesday dinner were eatern for two days
then on friday i made stuffed peppers with rice and mince, lots of olive oil, garlic, onion and mint, and ate them all day through saturday lunch with plain yoghurt on top and lots of hot paprika.
then on saturday we went to my brothers house for a birthday bbq, and ate ribs and chops and sausages and fries and birthday cake too
yesterday I went into mega cooking and by the evening nothing was left from: pork chops marinated in yoghurt, with crushed garlic, paprika, and bbq spices, potato salad with home made mayonaise, tomato salad with roasted onions, zuccinis, eggplant, and feta, and the sin: homemade bitter chocolate and rum ice cream. This icecream was a killer really. It contained - besides the obvious eggs and cream - 2 Green and Black Cooks' 72% Cocoa bars, and half a box of Green and Black cocoa. It was sex on a spoon, especially with bits of maringue crashed inside the ice cream!

**************************************

So its Friday today. I saved the post on Monday to continue with it, but then we went to my gf's house for lunch, and then Angelos left to watch footie and us girls went to IKEA for bits and pieces to further "summerise" our homes.

And then on Tuesday I got my period, very early indeed, but totally normal, considering what I've been through the last month!

And my weight is back to 90, not cos I tried hard, simply because I got rid of the pre-menstrual bloat :)

I have tried to eat well this week. I cooked amazing dinners still. Of the most tasty and most healthy were my chicken the day before yesterday:

Take a whole chicken breast and cut it in cubes, bite - sized. Cut tomatoes, peppers, onions, zuccinis, and portobello mushrooms in same sized pieces. Take your skewers and put one piece of each making sure that the chicken is between onions and peppers for extraflavour. Put them on a tray, and add the following spices: hot and sweet paprika, garlic powder, curry, mustard powder, chicken bbq spice, and lots of garlic and lemon pepper. Roast them in the oven till the veggies have a bit of a burnt edge. Then take them of the skewers, in a bowl, remove all the leftover juices of the tray in a shaker, add the juice of 2 lemons, and 2 generous Tsp of good dijon mustard and shake this well. Pour this on top of the chicken and serve with a green salad of lettuce, arugula, and avocado, where on top you pour the fage 0% yoghurt you beated with 80 gr of blue cheese and half a cup of cottage cheese.

This week was all about dessert. And lunch.

How to substitute the every day icecream with something else. Luckily Im a watermelon maniac, and now Im hooked on my after - dinner - watermelon. Lunch is a bit harder. All this week I was trying to sort out papers and clean my office. Im almost done. Work will star being frantic soon. In a different way. The invoices will start pilling up. That was a 1.5 million project you see. Lots of paperwork processing, re-evaluating the budget, etc, etc.

You asked what the project was. I was a bit hesitant to say. I still remember Dooce...lol

But I guess if I use @ instead of a and 1 instead of l I can be safe, right?

So it was an @rts m@rket. 2OO exhibitors, 17O sh0wcases, 3OOO people, and a conference. In 4 days! I could give you the link in email and see the site we have on it, if you want.

I spoke with Ms Boss and she asked me to reconsider and stay. At least till February 07. She made all shorts of promises. I told her I will give her a month and then talk again.

I want to have a baby. I want to have one so badly I can almost feel it. I thought why not get paid till at least I get pregnant. Till the end of my contract in October, I have to take 20.000 euros. Why give them to them? If I leave now I will only get 5.000. It will be silly to give away 15 thousand, wont it? In Greece you can get fired and have no pregnancy benefits if you have not completed a year in a job. So that means that if I go now, I cant get a new job. And to tell you the truth I do not want to go back in times where money was a struggle. I would rather stay there a bit longer and save a bit more.

I dont like the normal, adult, and responsible way of making a decision. But Im afraid I have to follow it this time ;)

Right. I got to get to the shower now!

Soon I will be back for good, with normal posts, regular comments, and pictures, cos I have a ton of them, from the event and from most of the dishes I just described!

I leave work at 6 now. And go around 10.30.

Posted by Argy at 10:55 am | 3 comments

Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Resurfacing
I fell asleep in the sofa, at 10 pm on Monday evening. Angelos probably woke me up and took me to our bed sometime after. I have no recollection. I woke up yesterday at 11 am, had coffee, and left to go to the farmers' market. All this time I was dreaming about this. Going to the farmers'market the first tuesday after the event!

As I was walking in the market, my eyes and nostrills feasting on the fresh produce, I felt human again. Normal. Female.

Taking care of my house, making sure that dinner is cooked on time, picking up flowers and putting them in nice vases sometimes makes me feel more feminine than a pair of high heels and a nice hair do. Yes, call me weird ;)

I napped for hours in the afternoon. And woke up at 8.30 in the evening, made stuffed aubergines with mince and herbs, baked in tomato sauce with caramelised onions, parsley and tons of garlic. Then I cleaned some small fish, made fillets, and marinated them in lemon juice, garlic and parsley. I put them on the fridge where they have to stay for 24 hours, and I was asleep at by 11!

My sweet cleaning lady showed up at 8 this morning. I was already in the kitchen, making ice cream. My first attempt on vanilla ice cream since I've been in this house. It has turned out beautiful.

Then I made some strawberry sauce for the ice cream. It is cooling now too.

I have 2 people over for dinner tonight.

I am making a nice arugula salad with the marinated fish and baked garlic, bruschetta with tomato, basil and garlic for starters, pasta with langustine for main, and the vanilla ice cream with strawberry sauce for dessert.

I cannot really describe the serenity all this cooking and house work has brought me. I got rid of all winter decoration, got my sea shells and peebles out and put them where the dry pine cones and small pumpkins were, I filled my vases with tons of roses, and I like my house again!

Now, I will go buy the wine for tonight. And then return home and get another long nap. I say I deserve all the naps I can get my darling!!!!

Posted by Argy at 2:15 pm | 10 comments

Sunday, June 04, 2006
Torpid
I am in my hotel room for the last two hours.

I have been looking at the ceiling all this time. I have felt the saltiness of tears unable to be held for another second for the whole two hours. I actually cannot stop crying even now. And I do not want to either.

These are tears held inside me for months now. These are tears of anger, frustration, sadness, insult, loss, nostalgy. These are also tears of pride, emotion, friendship, support. These are tears that have to find their way our of my system so that I can take my distance from the sentimental and finally concentrate on the pragmatic.

The event was a success.

Ms. Boss finished her introductory speach thanking her associates, my team and myself nominally in front of members of the government, v.i.p.'s, artists, managers and promoters from 40 countries all over the world.

I have slept a total of 19 hours in 6 days.

And I am certain now I do not want to be part of this anymore. Actually, this is not precise. I would like to be part of this, I would love to slave over this actually for the rest of my life. But in the idealistic environment I have always hoped for all these 14 years I work in this field.

Art is an expression of one's soul and emotions. No matter what the form of it, it is destined to elevate the human spirit and feed the human soul.

Instead, artists and "artistic" politics feed each others' egos by tearing away each others' flesh.

Small things besmirch what should be pure and exemplar.

Small people gather "corpses" to support themselves and have something to surmount to in order to show their magnitude.

The one thing I had to put aside in order to be able and stand the process was my self respect. I would have to give up and go if I did not do this. But I am glad I did it in a way. It helped me to sustain my power to finish the job. Now there is no need for me to do this anylonger.

The cause was indeed noble. Our project was indeed noble. Only it was done for the wrong reasons.

I will always treasure each and every moment of the whole four months. The bad ones more actually. These are the ones who make me who I am. These and the power to say that I do not want to be part of it anymore.

I need some time off to take my distance and evaluate things with a clear head. Then I will hand in my two weeks notice.

I am going home tomorrow afternoon. See you soon!

Posted by Argy at 7:28 pm | 10 comments

About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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