88.3

This is a .3 gain. I did nothing really "bad" so I guess it is my body retaining because Im close to ovulating. Or it might be the flights. My body always reacts bad to the differences in pressure while flying. I can weigh in before I get in the plane and weigh in right after I get off it and it will show a couple of kilos more. My rings suddenly get tighter, my feet have no room in my shoes, you get the picture...

I did well with the food. Even during the trip. And I had the erge to binge all day yesterday because I had a horrible day at work, but still, I restrained.

I did not do well with the exercise. I did my first workout of the 3rd Cto5K week on tuesday and the second today, so I have to do the 3rd tomorrow. I would like them more evenly spread during the week...but with the two days away it was not easy. The weird thing that happened was that when I woke up on Thursday in my friend's house (I stayed at a friend in Thessalonica) I was suddenly so sorry I did not have my running shoes to go out and do the workout. For a second there I really wanted to do it and felt my body missing it!!! On the good side, my pedometer counted 27.893 steps on my two days there! All in high heels...hehehe

I did fight inside my head though. Therapy on Tuesday night was rough again. My therapist told me to keep notes and record the weird stuff. Well...all weid stuff that has happened was all the food thoughts that pour out at any moment of stress, anxiety, boredom etc. Followed by sadness when the decision not to eat was taken. Nothing weird really, besides the notice of sadness coming right on. Another proof for the food being the substitute I reckon.

Things are work are pretty tensed. They will remain this way. My job is really devided in good and evil. Good is the project planning, the research about it, the brainstorming, the implementation, the buzz about producing the event. The evil is the administrative stuff. The organisation is really beurucratic, the procedures are really complex, and the decisions made take eons and a lot of paperwork till they can be put into any use. It tires me and upsets me. Plus there is a good part of my team who does various kinds of intentional mistakes in paperwork and stuff they bring me to sign to make me look like the dufus. Fun...lol.

The gorgeous Airlie mentioned my love and romantic relationship with food in the most honourable way. And this made her make her own yoghurt! Now how precious is this?!!! To make her eat more of the good stuff, here is what I had for breakfast in her honour. I usually have this as a dessert for 2.5 points after my fishy dinners.

We call this spoon sweets. Because it used to be served in a bowl, with individual spoons, and each would take a spoonful of it. In greece we make this from any fruit you can imagine and more. From the peel of citrus or oranges too. The concept is always the same, but I have managed to make it more diet-friendly.

For each kilo of fruit, depending on the fruit's natural sweetness, you use from 800 g to a kilo of sugar. But in mine there is 125 g of brown organic sugar per kilo of grapes. So while the WW book counts one point for a tsp of this, I count 1 point for 3 tsp. And it transforms my yoghurt to a nice dessert.

You wash the grapes and take them of their stems. You put them in a big pot and on the stove in high temp till they start taking their juice out and begin to boil. You should leave room in the pot and not cover it to the top with fruit or you will experience various accidents, like it boils too much and liquids suddenly get out of the pot, you cannot stir it and it gets burnt on the bottom, etc. When it begins to boil, you add the sugar. In a cheesecloth or tulle you put 2 vanilla beans opened, star anices, cinammon sticks, cloves, and allspices. You throw that in the pot and let it boil. It will get brownish at some point. You have to take the temp down at this point and let it shimmer and shimmer, till the liquids thicken to a syrop-y consiste ncy. I usually make enormous quantities, cos many friends ask for it and Angelos wants to eat it all year, so I usually make around 12 kilos of grapes end of September, which lasts till June usually. The big quantities I make take eons. I shimmer them for 3 hrs, then let them cool to check the thickness of syrup, then usually shimmer them again for another couple of hrs. But if you make just a kilo it will take about an hr and a half I guess. Stir it often and gently cos it will start bubbling with each stirring. And keep in mind that when it cools it thickens more, so perhaps you might want to let it cool and see if it needs more shimmering. Now if only I managed to take pics actually on focus!

I'm off to the normal saturday grocerry shopping ritual. I have a crave for many veggie dinners this coming week. Artichokes are now in season and I love them with potatoes and carrots in thick lemon sauce. Fresh peas with carrots and dill in tomato sauce. with feta...mmmm! I want to cook more bulgur...I have missed it! And legumes too, cos the weather reports are frightening the last couple of days. They say that next week the temp will drop up to 12 degrees. This means it will get to -5. In Athens!!!! It will snow too!!! They forecast the worse winter weeks to come of the last 4 decades!!! Nothing better to warm you up like a steaming bowl of lentil soup. Oh...and "trahanas"which is greek word and which I tried to find in english and cannot. It is cracked wheat, boiled in milk, then dried. You then boil it in milk and water and add pieces of feta to it when almost done. This makes a gorgeous soup! Oh I promise to make it and show you!

Right...I got to get to the shower now and get ready to go out. I wish I could stay in and burn firewood all day long while napping, reading, watching films and cuddling. But this man of mine is again working and I got to do the chores...lol

Have a nice weekend all!

10.15 pm and I was sleeping in the couch already last night. No wonder I have been up since 7 am! And I mean really up! It was one of these rare occasions that I felt awake the moment I opened my eyes. Angelos tried to talk me to get back to sleep as he was leaving for work, but it was not possible, so I got up, wearing my beautiful fuchsia pj's, put on my running shoes, hit the treadmill and did the third Cto5K second week workout! I finished the second week! Then I made a double espresso to last my blogging, and I have spent almost 2.5 hours reading blogs, commenting, and now I'm posting too! Then...it will be grocerry shopping, then a visit to my brother's shop to stock on fish for the week (I am going insane with the chickens and the avian flu) and back here to cook lunch and nap. We have no plans for the night and I can tell you that I'm dreaming of a girly movie with a nice fire and a good meal for dinner!

Work started getting insane again. We are organising a huge @rts market in June. Our proposal was approved on Tuesday and we been running ever since. I am excited. Give me an interesting production to plan and implement, and I can deal with all the other administrative and unfair shit anytime. So I have to fly up north to Thessalonica on wednesday to look at some venues, and then I'll fly back on Thursday. First class, on company's expenses...gotta love a few treats now and then...

Eating well sustained me emotionally this week. Things at work were tensed, busy, critical at some point. Eating my carrots, my walnuts, my oranges and my apples during the day gave me a weird sense of satisfaction. I am counting points at the moment, mainly in an attempt to watch my portions, and it is going well.

I know I should weigh in tomorrow, since I weighed in last sunday with the full 89.3 kg but I felt like getting on the scales this morning and I am glad i did. Because seeing a good loss of 1.3 kilos for the week is a way to keep me more on track the weekend. I actually feel like writting down some things about this week:

Current Weight: 88.00 kilos
Loss this week: 1.3 kilos

What brought this loss

• I drunk an average of 5 lts of water daily. I buy 1.5 lt bottles. Some days I had 3, some days I had 4. At work. All of them. And I usually drink about a lt of water at home, half of it when I wake up, and half of it while I am cooking.
• I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables. I had fruit breakies every day. Either apples, or freshly squeezed orange and tangerine juice. Then my lunch was 8 walnut halves with apples and oranges. I had some salad for snack too. A small bowl that contains about a cup and a half of salad: lettuce, white and purple cabbage, fresh mint, parsley, dill, grated carrot, arugula. No dressing. With so many herbs you do not need any other flavour really. It was either that or carrots.
• I went up and down hundrends of stairs every day. My office is on the second floor. My bosse's office is on the 5th. The president's office on the 6th. I must have gone up and down at least 30 times a day. Without counting my workout, I have done not less than 7.000 steps a day at work. Most of them on stairs. Intentionally :)
• No matter what time I got back from work each day - and never it was before 9 in the evening - I took the time to cook for me. Well for both of us actually, but the truth was tha the food was planned and prepared for me. We ate really lush meals each day, none of them being more than 1o points with dessert. Well, dessert was always dry fruits, but still, you got to count your figs and pineapple too! We ate pasta with prawns, we ate wraps with beef stripes, salad, and sweet chilly sauce, we ate lentil soup, we ate huge portobello mushrooms stuffed with lean beef mince and bulgur, and last night we ate wholewheat pasta with garlic, parsley, mustard and wine sauce.

Honestly, my mind races with ideas of strict dieting, like the detox my holistic med has given me, but I am not going there.I have to break the all or nothing habbit. This is why I am spending half my points on fruits and walnuts daily. Because honestly, I can go all day without food, just water, coffee and smokes, so I can have all my points on one meal! I have done this a lot, and it has made me maintain and lose weight too. But this is not good and I must find the balance. I must learn to eat slower - I inhale my food Im afraid - so to be satisfied with smaller portions.

Generally...I feel a lot better. Which is not good yet, but I have hope and faith. I forget to do my therapy execises and this means I'm still resisting. I mean...how can I forget? I remember about them when Im well in bed ready to sleep, and I get up and do them. They are breathing exercises with certain visualisations and resistance exercises, like you put your leg next to the wall with your thigh touching the wall and you push till the point that you realise how strong your thigh is. Beautiful. But my boss - who leaves tomorrow for 10 days for some conferences in america - wanted me to fly to thessalonica on tuesday. I said no. She said no is not an option. I said tuesday is not an option because i have a scheduled appointment with a doctor in the evening I cannot postpone or cancel. I did not want to tell her its therapy cos she would start her long speech that strong women dont need help. I have heard this speech countless times in the past. I feel good for not using the excuse of work to cancel my session. I was tempted me the little chicken ;)

The anxiety has given its place to a calmness. A peculiar kind of calmness. Like when you are looking forward to something and you are eager and cant really wait, but realise that this is at least a month away, so you stay patiently wait instead of frantically wait? If this made any sense to you, then you have an idea of what I am talking about...lol

I am going to get ready and go out now. Angelos is working so I am going to do all the things we usually do together on saturdays by myself. I kind of like it today. Enjoy your weekend, weekends are 2 precious days you know!

I have been unfair. Very very unfair. To myself that is. To all of myself actually. To my spirit, to my soul, to my body. That last post was indeed a reflection of my current state though. As the wonderful Beckie said "if it feels like rock bottom, the only way is up!"

I am that type. I really have to get down there. There is no other way for me to get back up. And I have spent the last months in an intermediate situation. Feel the blues, kill the blues. But you know, who really can kill the blues? And most importantly, why kill the blues? Why not take advantage of them. Construct on them.

There is not a possibility of getting the blues out of the blue you know. So pretending there are not there is a waste of time.

For the last months I have stomped my feet on the ground, have grown roots at my current position, and feel scared - to the point of being unable to even grasp the magnitude of the fear- to move on. I am not talking about weightloss. I have said this many times and I will never stop saying it. Fatness is not my problem. Fatness is the result. I do not deal with my weight to solve my problems. I try to solve my problems and this is how I have all the energy and willingless to lose the weight. This is how I got to lose the fortysomething. This is how I got where I am today.

So when you hear me complain about the weight, you have every right to tell me that I am avoiding the reality.

Like I have been doing for so long. Without much details, I have to be honest to you and tell you that I am trying to deal with a trauma. Which was deeper and has caused much more damage than both me and my therapist had ever realised. I actually was under the assumption that I was pretty well dealing with it. And I was. In absolute theory I'm afraid.

There are only two ways a person can act towards a trauma you know. Either completely avoid what caused it, or totally throw themselves in situations similar to those that caused it, in an attempt to diminish its impact. Two sides of the same coin of denial.

For most of my life I have done the latter. I realised lately that I have switched to the first way of "dealing" with it. This is what allienated me from my body.

I took the very hard decision to get over with it yesterday. This will not be easy. This will probably be my greatest struggle and my greatest achievement at the end. I'm scared shitless and proudly happy at the same time.

So my therapist proposed to prepare my body for the reaction of my soul. The deal is this: We will not talk about anything else. Actually we will not talk during our session for the next 3 weeks. We started a series of exercises to prepare my body for the work yesterday. I have to do all 3 sets of them when I wake up and before I go to sleep. These exercises will soften the reactions and will protect me from any shock. They will smoothen my energy channels and get me ready. For the big freak out...lol. I really am smiling. Weird woman I am....

I will get there. You know, I took a few weeks off therapy. I went to my last session on December 8, cancelled the following, then my therapist took 2 weeks of for holidays, I did not book a session during the week of my holidays. I do this when I get in such situations. This makes me get deeper in the problem and get in a dead end which hurts and troubles me to the point I have to admit things and take decisions. Now that I admitted the depth of my fear, now that I felt the dead end in all its magnitude - Im afraid to deal with this so this fear of the immense pain to come will stop me from doing these couple of things I have been always afraid to do and because of this I will never feel absolutely complete - I am ready to conquer this last beast. Because it is the last one for sure.

But I also want to state that I have been very unfair to my body and spirit, by thinking and feeling not so nice 'bout them.

It's my spirit that has saved me from all the rough spots and it is my body that has carried me around for all my life. It was my sweet sweet body that got me on the treadmill yesterday to do the 1st workout from the second Cto5K week! Now go on. Give my bod a loud applause please, cos the poor bugger really deserves it!

To them, and all of you who took the time to get in my shoes and give your support and wisdom, I am indebted!

Thank you wonderful women out there! I needed both the sweetness and the kick in the arse!

On January 7, 2001, I had a great night. I know, cos its my brother's nameday on this day and my best gf's son's birthday too.

So all seventh's of January since 1999 go like this:

I go to the boy's bday party, have the cake, then go to my brother's house, and enjoy the feast his wife has cooked. Plus lotsa booze. And then lotsa after booze snacks and sweets.

When I went home on the 7th of January 2001, I went to change my clothes and wear my pj's and I remember I started to cry. Not silent cry. I cried and cried with groans and loud sobs. I remember my husband looking at me clueless, trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to estimate how drunk I was to act like this.

Granted, I was a bit drunk. Which made things get out easier.

What Angelos did not know was that as I went to the bathroom to get undressed and brush my teeth I had got on the scales. It must have been months since I had done this. I remembered I weighed 117 kilos the last time I had gotten on them. And I know that it was not a good idea to get on them at that point, right after a day of eating baby birthday party food AND adult name day party food and booze too.

Certainly, the day to get on the scales was not right.

Since I remember myself, I do not eat lots on christmas. But I get on some weird post christmas depression after December 27. I love christmas so much, I begin the preparations from mid November, and then suddenly it is over in 24 hours. What looked like a gorgeous home full of decorations and stuff suddenly in a day looks really outdated. And the binges begin. With all the leftovers. And the newly cooked meals and sweets too.

But I did get on the scales. 133. The number. Was. 133. Kilos.

I remember putting my finger in my mouth. I could not vomit. Then I begun to cry. It took me a couple of weeks to decide how I would approach the D thing. Diet. Deprivation. Demons. Dainties. Damage. Damnation. Fear!

I felt the same feelings last night. When after dinner I went to the bathroom and got on the scales. 90.Kilos.

Right...no panic. This morning, after a good poo its 89.3. Still in the eighties right?

Fucking wrong you know!

I was 86.2 kilos three weeks ago. I gained 3.1 kilos in two weeks. While working out like a mojo every day. Cto5K workouts every other day this week, and 5K brisk walk on the inbetween days. Which really means that I should have gained at least 1.5 kilos more!

I had this long confess type of monologue with my husband last night after the weigh in.

He said at first....Honey, you know that in christmas you always gain a bit of weight. Remember last year you gained 7 kilos, so now you gained less, look at me, Ive gained 2! Next year you gain nothing!

Which made me mad.

Don't get me wrong here. But I really do not care if you lost 5 or gained 10 babe! This is all about me. Me me me!

And since I've started this blog, determined to loose the last 25 kilos, I have probably lost 30. And have regained them all. In small chunks of couple of kilos in, couple of kilos out. Does this matter?

But I can still taste how entering 2006 in 85 kilos tasted a few weeks back. I can still taste how close and possible that felt. And this explains the sour and bitter taste I have been feeling in my mouth all this week, the taste I try to make go away by eating sweet and spice.

Aren't you sick of me? Aren't you fed up listening to "oh...this is the last time, this time I will make it happen, after all its just 20 bloody kilos, I had 60 to lose when I started!"

I am really fed up with myself. Really. Fed. Up!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am afraid.

I am afraid that if I lose the weight I will not like what I will see. Hanged flesh. Fallen boobs. Loose skin.

I am afraid that if I lose the rest of the weight I will have no excuses anymore. For the things I postpone.

I am afraid that if I lose the rest of the weight I will get men at my feet. And I will cheat on my husband. Because I used to cheat on him and all my boyfriends when I was slim and sexy. Come on, think less of me now, you have every right to. I bluntly admit to you that I am a reformed "cheater"who is using the rest of the fat hunging from her thighs as her means to be a socially accepted good person.

Or not?

Could all these be wrong?

Could I just have become another person now? Am I not running the danger of becoming a slut? Do I not have to postpone things any longer? Do I have the right to decide what I really want to do and then say not to the rest? Would I look ok if I really worked out to tone, if I added weights in the scheme?

Will I ever find out? Will I dare?

I am really sick and tired of excuses. It is Christmas. It is just a treat. We all need our little indulgenses. Come on my husband wants to eat this I should not deprive him of it and the pleasure of sharing it with me. I burnt 768 calories according to my pedometer today, I can eat ice cream.

Where is this taking me but round and round in the same circle?

There is a decision to be made. I can say I am ok with how I look now, go on with my exercise, whatever it will be at the time, and eat to maintain my 89 kilos, knowing I will range from 85 to 89 for life, depending on how well I eat or how many social events I have to attend.

And you know, this would have been alright, if I had not done this first workout of the Cto5K. My weight is distributed well, I have a nice waist to make me look curvacious, I know how to play with styles and clothes, and when I am dressed and have taken the time, I look less than I really weigh.

But this were all well till the first cto5k work out I repeat. Because this first work out made me feel the real me. Not the beautiful picture I have in my head, you know, the current picture compared to the 130 kilos picture. The real picture honey! The woman who feels the flesh of her ass bounce and move painfully as she jogs. The woman who feels the weigh of her thighs every time she lifts each leg to run. The flabbiness of her underarms as she moves them rythmically to her jog.

I feel very fat. Very very fat.

I am not happy with how I look now.

So I decide to lose weight.

I am going to go now. Angelos has gone to buy firewood. I will make a pot of my "cleansing"soup and this is what I will be eating today. And to make this fun, I will give you the recipe later.

But know that this is not going to be easy for me. It really feels like 5 years ago now. I will give it my best.

The good thing is that the third workout of week 1 was done earlier today! Nooooooo fun!!!!

Second work out is done! And it felt better...actually to be precise...it burnt less in the lungs! But it really leaves me totally out of energy, in contrary to power walking, which make my endorphines keep me on high hours after.

It really makes me wonder if I should do it in the evening, next week that I will be working again!

And after the workout, I went to my mom's and made a cake that smiles with the kidies. My niece did not want to take the cake of the tin, cos she wanted to take it back home to her dad. I enjoy doing all these so much. If only I did not have these things that have been eating up my mind and soul lately.....

Now I will go take a nap, and then the mega cooking begins!!!

Let's see how sore I wake up too!

I know you expected it, but I certainly did not. Shows a lot about perception really. I did believe that I have well worked muscles in my legs. I mean I do a brisk 5k almost every day. I go from the 2nd floor where my office is to the 6th floor, where my bosse's office is at least 5 times a day and down wearing high heels.

Let me tell you all I throught were bullshit!

My ass hurts, my lower abs hurt, my thighs HURT, my calves not so much.

I been up again insanely early. Dunno what's wrong with me. I do not really complain, but it makes me want to nap in the afternoon. The cleaning lady is here, and I have started the cooking already. Baby spinach with herbs and bulgur will be the dinner for tonight.

The cleaning lady is here and I am determined to clean and tidy the study. She will make me I know. I have about 5 big bags with papers and stuff I need to sort out and put away. Numerous folders too. All the stuff I got from my old company. I need to file them and stop looking at bags in my study.

When you have persuaded yourself that what you do is sort of ok, it is really difficult to change it. I have been living with one HUGE meal for dinner a day for too long. Breakfast would be an orange/tangerine fresh juice, and then it would be coffees and smokes till I got home, with an occasional apple here and there, and then I would eat an enormous, allas healthy, dinner.

It was hard yesterday to have 3 meals. This made me feel hungy all the time.

I have to admit that I am already feeling kinda scared for tomorrow's second work out!

But I will get my arse there and do it!

more later, as the cleaning lady is bossing me around to get up and do the work!!!!

Right. I am back.

I actually went there and did it! I think I have been contemplating this first time for the last 8 months. I did it I tell you!!!! And I still wonder how lucky I am to not have died out there, cos honesstly, I thought I would at some point!

All I will always remember from my first workout is how my lungs burnt. I mean, I have the extra you know. Not only I am fat and unfit, I am a smoker too.

But...I really did it!!!! Did I tell you already?

I got the pedometer with me and the distance I covered was 2.66 K. In 22 minutes. And I been so good, that I did the basic stretches it gives in the Cto5K site too! And I been silly really thinking I do not need a sports bra since my boobs are not that big. Ha! My girls were bouncing and I am in an age where too much bouncing is no good ;)

Now of course, I want to go to bed. I feel so tired! But I will go to the market instead. However, for you kind running souls, I have a few questions...

Should I eat breakfast before or after the workout?
Can I drink water during?
Do I have to do it just 3 times a week or this is the minimum?

I feel like doing it every day during this week I have off work, to get in the habbit of it..

Right....bit of surfing now, then to the fresh produce!

Yes...with the camera too!!!

I have been up since 7am. It is 10.15 now. I finally got dressed. And I am hitting the football court for the first Cto5K work out.

Since 7 am I have butterflies in my stomach.

Is this normal?

I got to tell you mates...I am shitless scared!!!!

Right, I go now...

Last night we had a feast. The pasta with the caviar turned out better than any other time, and Angelos brought dessert too when he came home.

We had a lovely night. It felt strange at first. It is really weird to open the door to someone with whom you been living with for almost 9 years and yet feel that a guest came for dinner. He really acted as if he was a guest, and that made things much more flirty and ...ummm...interesting ;)

But boy did we ate! Before, during (dessert was meant to be a sex toy...hehe), and after (cos there was some dessert left ;)!

I woke up feeling blah this morning. And then, it begun!

I got to the freezer, took salmon and tuna fillets out to defrost. Took a shower, had my coffee, squeezed 2 oranges and 2 tangerines, drunk the juice. I instantly regretted is cos I had not weighed in, but decided to subtracy 100 gr from the weight. Ha! I got on the scales and they said 54! I laughed, though my heart beated for a single moment seeing such a small number. Then I got on again. It said "Error". As if I did not know... Then I got on again. And it was dead. Batteries. Well, shops in Greece are closed on Jan.2 due to inventory stuff. So I will get the batteries tomorrow and weigh in on Wednesday. Which shall take care of some of the bloat and which will also be my weigh in day. Then I got dressed, wore flat shoes to work.

Have I told you that there is a small football field right 5 mins away from home? And it has a runners path there too. So I went there, and asked when and if it is open to the public. Well, Mon - Fri its open from 7am to 8 pm, and Sat it's open from 8am to 1pm. Then I called Angelos and told him to tell his boss that he can have my treadmill after all. (I had told him I changed my mind last week and wanted a bit more time to think about it).

Then I walked 5k, then took the bus, and here I am at work.

Although my stomach still feels stuffed, I am feeling so great right now. Oh brilliant walking you always do this to me!!

So tomorrow morning the training for Cto5 begins. Are you excited? Oh I am!

And tonight you will all see Culinary Escapades.

And I will leave now to do some search on faster internet services. I need fast internet at home with all the photies I'm going to post from now on!!!

As a professional, I have done the following mistakes:

• have been too emotionally involved
• have valued work for more than it really is: fuel to run our lives the way we want

As a wife, I have done the following mistakes:

• have taken my husband's natural kindness for granted, resulting in taking advantage of it more than once
• have not made the effort for quality time, by expecting him to do most of the work
• have stopped being kinky
• have refused 99% of his proposals to go out to dinner, go see a movie, go to an amusement park, go downtown for window shopping, etc...

As a woman, I have done the following mistakes:

• have stopped putting day cream and body moisturising on a daily basis
• had not shaved my legs for more than a month
• have left the cleaning lady be in control of my home and have left her rearraging stuff to suit her work but not my life
• have stopped getting regular pedicures and manicures, and have not dyed my hair since July, resulting in showing the ton of grey hair I have
• have restricted my shopping to work clothes only...and pj's. This states my true situation...I either feel like working or vegging out at home

If you look at all together you will see some relation. I kind of stopped the feast of life I lived before I found out my mom had cancer. As if what happened was a punishment for having all I wanted and more. Childish...bitter...and dealt with too!

I need to pick up from the last. I need to nurture my feminine side. I need to begin pampering myself again. Pedicures, manicures, face creams, some clothes to wear to outings with my husband, some restaurant visits, some movie theatres are all needed. This will help me be a better wife, and work can do little to one's mood and psyche when they are happy and fulfilled emotionally. Not to mentioned when they are well and trully madly shagged ;) My girlfriends cannot unerstand how I can have such a gorgeous man hunting me all day and still go to bed wearing all my clothes. I know why. No matter how much someone shows me they want me, love me, like me, if I don't want me they don't really stand a chance.

So tonight my husband and I have a date. At home. He will leave again in an hour, go to the gym, take his clothes with him to change, and I will take a long bath, cook for him pasta with caviar, get dressed and wear make up, and he will come here as a guest invited for dinner.

As for diet and exercise, I just know I am ready. To finish the job. I still have to think about the procedure. I eat fresh and wholesome by belief. Organic food, no processed junk. I toy with going back to WW or spending a little fortune to see a new holistic med I have heard tons about. But the whole treatment cost a lot, and she does not put you on a diet as we know it, but tells you what you should completely cut of your food lists to be helthy and fit for life.

I know for sure that I want to go somewhere once a week and get the weigh ins. Look at it with a bit of competitive attitude. Not against the rest of the folks trying, more against the weigher themselves.

And I will start the couch-to-5.

All will start on january 8. Not that I plan on being a pig really till then. But I need the time off work that starts the day after tomorrow to regroup and plan and get organised.

Angelos took this photo of me last night, before we left for the party. It's a nice pic really. Do you know what is my wish for 2006? Weightwise that is. To put this picture next to the one I will take on new year's eve this year, and on January 1, 2007, read comments that will basically say...oi! you look so much thinner than you looked last year!

Yes, I trully want this. Trully. And I dare you to place a bet with me ;)

This is the image I have in my head now. Something fresh. Like a rose blossom slightly opening. This is how I want to think of the New Year. 2006. Think of it. Isn't magnificent that the world have managed to survive 2006 years? Isn't it magnificent that besides the wars, the polution, the damage, babies are born, orange trees get blossoms, water is still drinkable, and people, no matter how poor or rich still feel?

2005 was a tough year for me. It really took me so much more time and effort than I ever admitted to get over the fear and panic I felt with my mother's illness. All this made me get back in childhood traumas and insecurities. My mom had left for 3 months when I was almost 6 years old. Her bother was in Italy studying, could not come back to greece, as he was a bit of a rebel during thedictatorship years in greece, and he political situation was not permitting for him to come back. Then, my mom had health problems with her breasts. So she had to have an operation. She decided to have it in Italy and also go help her younger brother. My aunt and cousin moved in to take care of us. I really thought I lost my mom. My aunt would make me eat 3 slices of bread with butter and honey and drink a huge glass of milk with ovaltine. a cocoa thingy for milk. I would cry while eating this every morning and then throw up.She would make me eat more. Bad times.

All this came back. It took me time to accept the relationship between the feelings I had at this time last year and the past. But through therapy the veil once more was lifted.

I cosnider my maintaining and even loosing a bitof weight on 2005 a big achievement. I could have easily gained at least half the weight back. What really saved me was the taking in clothes strategy. I have said before how much this costs me, but really, if you go on and take your clothes in every 3-5 kilos, then this is all you can gain. Unless you can afford new clothes all the time.

But there has been so much more during 2005. The move to the new appartment, the change of jobs, the attempts to get pregnant, the decision to postpone the pregnancy due to the new job, the emptiness inside this decision has brought, along with the hope of advancing professionaly and saving money so that I can be able to not work for at least the first year of our baby.

I also lost a few friends during the lasst year. Relationships I was maintaining by making all the effort slowly grew distant when I halved my efforts. It is always bittersweet. Since I started therapy I have lost many "friends". Which makes me sad, and at the same time, makes me feel richer inside.

I grew closer to the people I have met through this blog. I value this closeness more than I can describe.

And now, I have to take the big decision. I have to commit. And I am ready to. I have really felt it boiling inside me the last month. You know, when you live your life in auto mode, with no time to think and feel, you end up with a very fresh look about yourself. It is weird to explain, but during the whole of December that I was working like a mad woman, I caught myself watching me and my life as if I was watching a movie. Three movies actually. "Argy the professional", "Argy the wife" and "Argy the woman".

Right now, Angelos and I share the sofa. He plays "Call of Duty"in his playstation, and I am writting this. We really want to spend the whole day like this. But we have to get up, get dressed and go to his parents for lunch. I will be back. I have so much to write. For me. I need this clearness writting in here brings me.

I will be back after lunch. I really want you all to have a very strong year. Strong in the feelings, strong in the heart, strong in the health.

You know we can really do whatever we want. Our possibilities are endless. Tis a bit unfair to limit the greatest gift of all...our own potential!

Right...more after lunch...which I have no idea what is gonna be!