Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Back to daily
Last night I left work at 9.15. On my way home I saw countless adds of the Mars Delight new (here at least) chocolate bar. So when I got off the bus, a little after 10, I stopped at the little shop to buy me smokes, and I also bought a Mars Delight.

I took it home, gave it to my husband, asked him if he liked it after he took the first bite, he told me "yikes", and I threw the rest away.

I cosnider this a total satisfaction to my curiosity - you got to trust the taste of the man whose taste drove him to the decision to spend the rest of his life with you ;) - and an act of respect to my decision taken earlier in the day to cut the crap and the poundage too!

Simple as that!

Thank you for your thoughts on respect. Denise was right on point when she said " a session for respect...yikes!" and Shannin is very right too when she says this subject requires a post of its own. It's coming on soon!

Posted by Argy at 4:46 pm | 4 comments

Monday, November 28, 2005
Week no 1
I was looking at the "Manage Posts" section of my blog just now, and I found 4 drafts of unfinished posts between November 15 and now. All together won't make a post, and each of them won't stand on its own, since it is really cut abruptly. Oh well...

Today the title is a statement. This is the week I start working on loosing weight and become fitter.

So numbers are in order:

Weight: 89.2 kg (shame on me ;o)
First Goal Weight: 75
Plan: 22 points daily for the first week, 20 points from the second on
Exercise: 10.000 steps a day minimum.

Let's get serious now, shall we?

Oh...and something to think about...

We all talk about loving ourselves, etc. On my last therapy session the issue of respect came up.
It was like a bomb. Respect?!

Posted by Argy at 10:39 am | 5 comments

Thursday, November 24, 2005
A comic story
I want to share with you a comic story I read in a comic book somewhere.

The hero is Fany, a gorgeous and very well paid hooker, who always wears expensive designers outfits.

So Fany is sitting in the corner of the street, when she sees a couple passing by holding hands and looking oh so happy. She thinks to herself...oh how i would love to be this woman, look at the love in her b/f eyes.

Next strip, the couple passes by another couple where the woman is pregnant and the first woman thinks...oh look at this lucky woman, her boyfriend loved her enough to marry her and get her to have his child, not like mine who promises marriage for 5 years now and still has not gotten me an engagement ring!

The pregnant woman with her hubby go on walking and they pass by a woman with 4 small kids, who seems drained from exhaustion, bad hair, sloppy outfit, and ms pregnant looks at her and thinks ...oh how i eny this woman who already has 4 kids and knows how this is done, notlike me who cannot sleep at night from the anxiety of how i will give birth.

In the meantime the mother of four walks away dragging her offsprings and sees a woman jogging wearing a fancy workout outfit. "Oh how I envy her" she thinks "she has no care in the world besides her well being"

The jogger goes on running, and sees a limo stopping outside a big corporate building, and a very pro dressed woman holding her business briefcase, speaking in her cell, looking mighty busy and important. The jogger thinks to herself "look at her, oh I am green. she has a high position, she rules the world, people depend on her, not like me who all I do is being the pretty doll of a rich husband".

In the meantime the Ms. manager enters the building and sees the cleaning lady cleaning the wondows of the building, looks at her and thinks to herself "oh how I'd love to be her...she has a job with no responsibility, and at 5 o 'clock she goes home to her family, and no cell wakes her up after midnight to check on profit shares".

The cleaning lady looks outside the window she cleans and sees Fany the hooker, standing in the corner of the street, with her designer's sexy outfit and looks at her, and thinks to herself..."oh if I was not so shy when I was young, I could have been in her shoes, selling my body for big bucks, not having a care in the world about bills or cleaning other people's shit"

Interest cycle here, don't you think?


This story was part of an email I sent to a dear friend today, and I thought I would share it with you too.

Posted by Argy at 12:41 pm | 7 comments

Monday, November 21, 2005
Ostrich
Sometimes I manage to persuade myself that things are not happening. Or that things that happen do not matter. Or that things that do not happen do not matter. Then, one day, I wake up and wonder why I am feeling so weird since everything is cool. Since everything is normal.

At that times, I search for the strength to pull away the veil.

I cannot go into much detail about the things that are happening and about the things that are not happening in my life right now. Let's just say that the last couple of months between leaving my company and joining a very demanding new job, I have managed to both let things happen and I have also chose to ignore things that did not happen. Like an ostrich I have chosen to keep my head inside the hole whenever what has been happening around has been too stressful to deal with.

The result?

Everything that has happened and/or have not happened has not disappeared, instead, has made their presence concrete and with a vengence.

I consider myself back at square one now. I have to start from this moment and I have to train myself again in many things. Eating, exercising, office etiquette, working modes, home life.

It is very easy to let myself slip. I am this kind of person. The type that tends to visit the extremes. The rebell I kept quiet when she had every right to yell will come and visit every time she has the chance. She is the part of me who never caused any problems when she was a teenager, and was, instead, the perfect girl. Straight A's, never arguing with her parents, always pleasant and sweet, you get the picture. I must have told myself back then that when I will grow up I will do everything I want the way I want it. I have work to do with this little girl. Because really, what is the point of doing whatever you want whenever you want it when all these things at the end hurt people you love and mainly and most importantly of all, still leave you with a sour taste?

It took a very loud argument this morning about something amazingly trivial to make me realise that I am in no good space. I have been inhaling unprocessed feelings for the last month the same way I have been inhaling bad food. Carelessly, thoughtlessly, and mainly pretending its what I want to do. I have been self centered beyond control. But not in the nice zen way where you make your well being a full time job in order to feel good and pass the good feelings to those around you. I have been self centered in the brat kind of way. I am stressed, I will order chinese. I am stressed, I will smoke. I am stressed, I will not do laundry.

It is no news that this kind of behaviour is not helping anyone to feel less stressed. So why should it make me calmer goes beyond my imagination.

But you know, I do not want to be like this. I also know that these characteristics will always be part of who I am forever. I know for a fact that regardless the therapy I am doing, what I am really aiming at is not to eliminate these patterns of behaviour. The aim and the succesful end result will be when I realise them at their very beginning, and start taking the necessary corrective action towards then on the spot. Not like "...oh shit, I am eating chocolate again cos I'm upset, well, tomorrow this will stop" but rather "...oh shit, I am eating chocolate again cos I'm upset, Angelos, I have taken a bite of this chocolate, do you want to finish it, or I should rather throw it away?".

I will always be an emotional eater. I will always have a high temper. I will always binge occasionally. But since we are at binging right now, this is what has happened in this department:

2000: A binge back then was usually a family sized pizza, a chef's salad, onion rings with blue cheese sauce, garlic breadsticks, a pint of icecream and a box of chocolate chip cookies

2005: A binge now is 4-5 slices of pizza, half a pint of icecream, a few dry figs

My aim is to stop at the last bite of the first slice of pizza and think.

This is pretty much the same about all the things I am still fighting to control. For some weird reason, one step at a time does not work with me. To explain this, what I mean is that I cannot start with the food today and after a week with the exercise, and after a month with the laundry. I need a clear day to start with the new scheme. On that day I will not exercise for an hour necessarily. Just making the time for a 15 minute brisk walk will be enough. A small step. But I also have to have a food plan for the day. And I also have to go back home and do the last load of laundry.

I remember when I first went to WW a few years back, I saw a couple of newbies. I was then around 110-115 kilos and they were somewhere between 85-90 kilos. I remember thinking back then that what for me would be an ideal weight at the time, for them was the detestful weight that made them decide and do something about themselves. I remember telling to myself that by the time I reach their weight it will be years and I would have managed to loose almost 30 kilos to be in a body that still needs to loose weight and oh my god...will this ever end?

Well, for the last year and a half, perhaps a little more, I have "cherished" my 85-90 kilos weight.

There is really no way for me to end this process. Unless I start now. As I am now. Because you know what the big mistake is all this time? I am expecting from myself to finish something I never thought possible. I am expecting from myself to loose the rest of the weight while deep inside me I never believed I could loose the 40 or so kilos I have managed to loose. So I am proceeding with the body of now and the icon of then. And am using my achievement not as a means of knowledge and experience to help me achieve my goal, but mainly, and I am ashamed really to admit it, as an excuse. Example: "I have lost 42 kilos, it's ok to eat the pizza now I am stressed, I know how to get back on track"

How is this going to bring a fullness to this project really beats me!

I will take this week to work on this mentally. I will take this week to get to know myself for who I am today. I will take this week to get rid of the image of the past. And visualise the image of the future. Because with all honesty, I will admit to you that I have never ever never imagined myself as a size 10 again. And this is proven by the long time I have been dwelling in the same weight for months and months. As if nothing lower than that is really possible.

Well, you little rebel inside me, with all due respect and sincere love and affection too, let me tell you something. You are growing to become a normal person. You are growing to become a wife and soon a mother too. You are working on the public sector now and you have to follow norms and rules. You are growing to do laundry and cook dinner after a stressful day. All these are not things to look down to. They are things to be proud for. Because without these, all you will remain will be the forever rebelious teenager. And at the ripe age of almost 37, you will, at least, look a tad outdated ;)

Posted by Argy at 3:41 pm | 7 comments

Monday, November 14, 2005
Title-less
Actually there could be a title but I don't like starting the week with a whine. Or a rant. So I will save you from this.

Instead, I will tell you about the plan. And my lost pedometer. There is not a shelf, drawer, pocket, or handbag I have not looked at for it. And I still have not found it. So I am ordering a new one today.

As of tomorrow morning, I am waking 30 minutes earlier, in order to go out and walk more. This will not be easy you know. The alarm will go on at 6.15 and I know the first word to come off my mouth will not be a nice one.

As of tonight the replenished stock of the little hidden box will be hidden away by Angelos. Fullstop!

And there is a challenge too. Well, actually there is a reward.

I booked tickets to Amsterdam today. Which I will have to pay on December 19 or loose them. It is a good 5 weeks till then. I am going over my mom's tonight, getting on the basement, and getting on the scales. Boy how I dread this! But no matter what the number is tonight, I made an agreement with Angelos last night. If I have not lost at least 4.5 kilos by December 19, there will be no trip to Amsterdam beginning of January. Instead, it will be postponed to March. See, on January 6 is a public holiday, so we can leave Athens on the 5th, and be back Sunday the 8th. The next long weekend comes somewhere between the last 10 days of February and the first week of March, not sure when exactly, since it is a religious holiday 40 days before Easter and I am still not sure when Easter is next year.

You know how I adore Amsterdam and how much I adore Amsterdam shopping too. Well, unless I can squeeze myself on a 14, I am not going and I am not shopping.

If I am silly like that, needing a carrot to make my arse move and my mouth stop, let this be it.

But I am seriously fed up with myself!!!! Action must be taken. Or else I have to concsiously decide that I don't mind gaining weight because I enjoy eating more than I enjoy feeling slimmer and more active and fit. And honestly, I cannot decide that.

Have a great week!

Posted by Argy at 10:14 am | 8 comments

Friday, November 11, 2005
A head of cabbage...or three
My husband and I are cabbage lovers. White and purple both, but white cabbage is one of my favourite winter veggies.

Cabbage is a stable in our household. I usually buy 2 medium sized white ones (or a huge one) and a small purple one each week from the farmers' market. The one white cabbage is eaten raw in salads. Grated carrot, finely chopped white cabbage, very little purple one, one garlic glove shredded, a couple of lemons, herbal mare salt, and a tad of olive oil makes a wonderful salad. We eat this almost every night. Sometimes we add mushrooms, or make a fancier dressing with olive oil, tons of sweet paprika, one Tsp of homemade mayonaise, lemon zest and lemon juice, all beaten up in the blender. This one is Angelos' favourite. I really like how it looks. The purple and white together enhanced by the deep orange of the dressing makes for a very happy coloured dish.

Then the other cabbage is used for stir fries, or other cooked delicacies.

Cabbage with rice and egg/lemon sauce. In a couple of Tsp of olive oil, I saute some onions, then I actually throw in the pot the cabbage cut coarsely, add some water, or chicken/vegetable stock if I have made any, let it boil, then add some basmati or brown rice or bulgur, depending on what's available, and when the rice is done, and the liquids have been almost all absorbed, I beat 2 egg yolks with the juice of 2 lemons, add a bit of the hot liquids from the pot to this mix, and then add the mix in the pot. This makes a thick egg/lemon sauce and a great dinner too. Served with tiny feta crumbs on top.

Sometimes I add mince and parsley too.

When I have time and feel like I want to please my man, I make dolmades with cabbage. Typical greek food.

I steam the leaves of cabbage and put them aside to cool. I put a few tsp of olive oil on the pot, saute onions and garlic, then add parsley, grated carrot, pine nuts, mushrooms cut very finely, sweet red pepper, zuccinis grated finely, and raisins. When these are sauted I add the rice, and wait till it is half done but still hard.

I take the leaves, and add a generous Tsp of the rice mixture on the leaf, roll it over, and place it in the bottom of the pot. I put the dolmades in layers, and add a little water in the pot, a plate on top of them, so they won't move in the pot and ruin their wrapping, and let them simmer for 20-30 mins. Then I make the same egg/lemon sauce as above and cover them all.

And sometimes I just mix mince and rice instead of all the veggies.

Today is the third day I have eaten breakfast. Nothing too much really. I just grab a cereal bar on my way out and eat it while walking to the metro. And I also take with me a small tupperware bowl with something in it. Leftovers from dinner really. The day before yesterday was rice with veggie stir fry. Yesterday it was the cabbage/rice/mince stew. Today is boiled chickpeas with lemon juice, olive oil and black pepper.

It has been two days since I've eaten chocolate in the evening. And I manage to eat an apple here and there in my day. Small steps. Again. :oP

I thought that I should start from somewhere. And I have no idea where is my pedometer! I will have to search the house tomorrow. But I am walking. I do a minimum of 6 k a day. Sometimes 8 k, depending on how tired I am or how late I leave the office. If I leave after 7.30, I do not walk to the metro, I take a taxi there, so I miss the 2 k from the office to the metro. But I walk from the metro home still.

I must get used to waking up earlier. I used to get up between 8 and 8.30 and now I must be up at 6.45 the latest. That is if I want to keep on having my couple of hrs "me" time in the mornings. And I need these couple of hours for my sanity!

I will talk to you soon.

Now go eat some cabbage!!!!

Posted by Argy at 9:43 am | 8 comments

Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Preposterous?
I am not sure... I mean, how would posting from work at the dawn of the second week could be described?

But ladies, I have had enough!!!!

My puter at home although resurrected still does not give me enough time online to post or comment, and I have things to tell you all the time in my mind which apparently will become last week's news. Additionally, I have been lucky till Friday, when I got on the scales, and saw a 0.5 kg loss, yes, I saw the magic 85.5, so I decided that my new lifestyle is adequate for losing weight without actually any effort. Beware of such conclusions!

The first week at work was illuminative of all sorts. First, I know now I can do the job. I knew that before actually, but I was really worried about the managerial part of my position. I can do this too, and I think I can do it alright too!

First week on the job also brought me the emotional eating saga again. This means that I am - was till yesterday actually - eating nothing during the day. I really can live on coffee and smokes while working, especially when there is stress, and there is lots of it. I guess this is something that I have been used to since I was a student. Then, once a day, usually late in the evening and after letting some of the daily steam out, my appettite returns with a vengence. Ms PcMan is me. At that time I really dont mind what I am eating as soon as I chew and swallow, chew and shallow.

The days from Friday evening to Monday evening were disasterous. I ate like 3 pigs. And today suddenly my pants fit perfectly. Which is very bad, because on Friday the same pants were loose. I know its the bloat and all the excuses I can certify here, but the truth is that although I can tell now that its only 3-4 days sensible eating and I'll be back where I was on Friday evening, but the truth is that I am in serious trouble.

I do not seem to be able to eat during the day. Not even chocolate! Today for instance an employee had her birthday and brought in sweets. I almost gagged at the mere view of them. Come 10 in the evening, I will search the entire house for chocolate.

What I really have to work towards is nothing but my mental state. I have really to be truth to myself and accept why although I am already enjoying the merits of being a smaller size, although I know all the tricks (and treats) of succesful weight loss, why I do not give myself the 3-4 months it needs for the big task to finally be completed!

It makes me angry sometimes when I remind myself that I have managed to lose almost 44 kilos. Loosing the remaining 17 seems like nothing compared to that. Still, I am kidding myself and you and keep a weight loss journal. I really feel ashamed at times when I real wonderful accomplishments of yours and I semi-try half the week to kill it all the remaining of the week. It is really a bad excuse. I tricked myself all this time by telling me I am just practising and perfecting the art of maintenance. But get serious Argy, maintenance is a word to be used when you need to maintain. Right now you need to LOSE!!!

86 kilos is grand compared to 130 kilos. I will accept the roses, thankyouverymuch, but hold the drum roll and the chocolates too! 86 kilos is just 4 kilos away from the 90's and these are so close to the 100's. I do not want to get back there. And yet I want my cake and the dog fed too!Ah I am getting angry again...lol

Now I got to go back to working.

But I will be back soon. I really really miss you!

Posted by Argy at 5:29 pm | 8 comments

About Me
I have spent all 36 years of my life loving life itself and this will never change. I am a great lover of the smallest things. I am addicted to smells and I attach them to people and events. It is impossible for me to wake up without ice in my coffee.

Stats
Age: 37
Height: 1.68 cm
SW: 130kg/286lbs
CW: 86 kg/189.2lbs
GW: 69 kg/151.8lbs
Lost: 44 kg/96.8lbs
Left: 17kg/37.4lbs

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